“Everyone loves their tacos,” Eli says after we finally snag a table.
I take a sip from my soda, wishing there was a splash of whiskey in it. “They have damn good food.”
“The girls are hosting a party at my place tomorrow,” Tony says conversationally. “You guys are invited, of course.”
“What girls are you talking about?” I ask.
“Hayden, Gracie, Joselyn, Ellie,” Tony says. “The usual gang.”
“I hate that Ava’s not here,” Eli says. He looks down in the dumps.
“Bro, you planning on visiting her during our bye week?” Caleb asks.
“She wants me to,” Eli says. “Though I told her she should come here. See her family and her friends.”
“You should go there. And I’ll come with. Check out the babes.” Caleb grins.
“Do not take his ass,” Tony says, jerking his thumb in Caleb’s direction. “You want private time with your girl. Not to have to entertain this guy the entire weekend.”
“I can find my own entertainment,” Caleb says, irritated. “I don’t need a babysitter.”
“I’ll be your babysitter,” I tell him with a sly smile.
Caleb lifts up his hand for a high five and I give it to him. “Sounds like a plan,” he says.
“You two will be up to no good,” Eli mutters, shaking his head.
“That’s the idea,” I say, already looking forward to the change of scenery. “When’s our bye week again?”
They laugh at me, and I laugh along with them, but I’m serious. I don’t remember. I’m caught up in my head most of the time, and it’s not the best place to be right now.
“You know we play San Diego State in September,” Tony says. “You can see her then too.”
“It’s great that they’re on the schedule,” Eli says with an enthusiastic nod. “When football season’s over, I’ll be able to see her even more.”
“Then maybe you won’t be such a pouty baby,” I tell him.
He glares. “Whatever. You don’t get it.”
I ignore Eli’s anger toward me because I know he’s right. I don’t get it. I’m not in a relationship. Don’t have a girl that means that much to me—with the exception of Ellie, and she’s mad at me so I blew that. I don’t really have many people that mean that much to me in general, besides the ones who are sitting at this table.
A server shows up with our food and we dig in, conversation forgotten as we each devour a plate full of tacos.
“What’s up with Ellie anyway?” Caleb asks when he’s on his last taco and finally comes up for air. “Haven’t seen her much lately.”
At least I’m not the only one.
“She’s around,” Tony says mysteriously, sending a meaningful look in Caleb’s direction.
Caleb snaps his lips shut and shoves his last taco into his mouth.
And that’s it. That’s all they’ve got on that particular topic.
Ellie is around…where? What’s she doing? Who is she hanging out with? How are her classes? Does she like Fresno State? Who is she living with? Is she at the dorms? Is she happy? Has she made any new friends?
My questions are endless because I’m genuinely curious. I miss her. I miss her more than I want to admit. She was my touchstone throughout the summer. The one constant I could count on. I kiss her once—and what a kiss, I still can’t stop thinking about it—and now she’s gone. I fucked up.
What else is new?
Six
Ellie
I am totally in my element. Being at college, on campus, and away from the only home I’ve ever known, is downright liberating. I’ve remained in one place my entire life, and I thought I would miss it. Be homesick. I was scared at the thought of not having Ava beside me. My sidekick, my constant companion for the last four years. Gone, just like that. At first, I felt untethered. A little lost. Like a balloon let go. Adrift, climbing higher into the sky.
But it turns out…I’m okay. In fact, I’m more than okay. I’m taking a heavy class load—all general ed classes this semester and next, trying to get those out of the way. I still don’t know what I want to be. My major is undeclared, and that scared me at first too, but you know what?
I’m eighteen. How the hell am I supposed to know what I want to do for the rest of my life? Some people have it all figured out, but I am not those people. I’m not even close to those people.
I exit my Intro to Statistics class with a vague headache. While I like school and do well at it, math is not my thing. Stats is a really intimidating subject, and I’m worried I’ll bomb the class, but I don’t have a choice. I have to take it.
I’m walking with my head down, trying to shove my notebook into my backpack so I can zip it up, when I collide with someone.
And not just someone, but a male someone. I know this because he’s tall, solid as a rock, and is wearing cologne. Oh, and he speaks, and his voice is super deep.
“Sorry, you okay?”
I glance up to find an attractive guy studying me with concern. His hair is dark, as are his eyes, and he’s wearing glasses.
Oh my God, he’s cute.
“I’m fine.” I quickly zip up my backpack and hitch the strap up higher on my shoulder. “Sorry. Wasn’t watching where I was going.”
“It’s okay.” He smiles. It’s nice. He seems nice. He’s got this pleasant, open aura about him that I’m immediately drawn to. “Aren’t you in my statistics class?”
“The one we just came out of?” I gesture toward the open doorway, not too far from where we’re standing, and he nods. “Yes. Here’s where I confess I hate math.”
“Here’s where I confess I’m actually really good at math.” He smiles, revealing straight teeth. He’s not some gorgeous, untouchable boy like Jackson, but he’s definitely pleasant to look at. “I’m a finance major.”
“Of course you are,” I say, laughing. When he frowns, I realize I need to make myself clearer. “Trust me, that’s not a bad thing. I’m just—I was feeling really dumb while walking out of that class right now, and I’m sure you know exactly what you’re doing.”
“If you need help, I don’t mind,” he says, holding out his hand. “I’m Carson.”
“Ellie,” I say weakly, shaking his hand before letting it go. I didn’t feel a zip of attraction up my arm like when Jackson touches me, but I’m not discounting this guy. Not at all. “Are you a freshman too? Please tell me you just started here.”
“I just started here,” he confirms with a faint smile.
We both start walking down the hall. I don’t have class for another hour, so I’m taking my time, and so is he.
“Do you like it here so far?” I ask.
“I do. I’m not used to this hot weather, though. I grew up in Morro Bay,” he explains.
“Oh my God, I would kill to live in Morro Bay! I love the ocean,” I say a bit too enthusiastically. I tell myself to calm down. “Why didn’t you go to Cal Poly?”
“I wanted out of there,” he says, grimacing. “I’ve lived in that area my entire life. I needed a change.”
“I totally get it. I’ve lived in the same town my entire life too,” I say.
We exit the building and head toward the quad. He doesn’t leave my side, and we keep talking about Fresno State. Our classes. Turns out we’re in the same sociology class too, though we didn’t see each other. Not surprising, considering how big the classroom is.
“Do you have class right now?” I ask him.
“Oh shit.” He pulls his phone out of his pocket to check the time before lifting his head to look at me, his eyes wide behind his glasses. “I’m late.”
I laugh. “Better get going, Carson.”
“It was nice meeting you, Ellie. I mean it about helping you with stats,” he calls before he takes off.
“Bye!” I watch him go, smiling to myself. That was nice. I ran into a boy and we flirted. A cute boy too. And I didn’t think of Jackson once.
Wait, that is a comple
te lie. I compared Carson to Jackson in just about every single way possible, which sucks. I need to stop doing that.
I need to stop thinking about Jackson Rivers, period.
Scowling, I stomp my way toward the quad near the library, eager to meet up with Hayden and Gracie. We all have a break at this particular time and we decided to make a date of it.
I am so grateful for these girls and their friendship. They’re older than me. They didn’t have to take me under their wing, yet they did anyway. I soak up every bit of advice they give me, which is a lot. Both of them are so completely different than me. They’re fearless. They go after what they want, and don’t let stupid things like their insecurities hold them back.
I could take more than a few lessons from them, I know this.
I spot them, one dark haired with golden highlights, the other one a bright blonde, sitting next to each other at a picnic table under a tree. They’re talking and laughing and I stride right up to their table, plopping my backpack on the bench before I slide in next to it.
“What’s so funny?” I ask, genuinely curious. I want in on the joke. I need some laughter in my life.
“Gracie was telling me about her latest boy toy,” Hayden says, a wicked smile curving her lips. Gracie gives her a shove, irritation flitting across her face. “What? It’s true.”
“He’s not a boy toy,” Gracie tells me. “That’s so crude.”
“What is he then?” Hayden asks.
“A boy I’m talking to,” Gracie says, sounding prim and proper. “I take that back. He’s not a boy. He’s a man.”
“How long have you been talking to him?” I ask.
Gracie shrugs. “A couple of weeks?”
“Where’d you two meet?”
“On Tinder,” Gracie says.
“Oh. I could never do that,” I say with a shake of my head.
“Don’t dismiss dating apps without giving them a try first. You really should give Tinder a chance. It’s such a great way to meet people who go here, live around here. Whatever,” Gracie says. “It’s how I’ve met the majority of the guys I’ve been with since I started college.”
“And how’s that working out for you?” Hayden says sarcastically.
Gracie shoves her again, making Hayden laugh. “Shut up, you. I remember you doing the same thing until you met Tony.”
“True, true.” Hayden nods, her gaze coming to mine. The smile on her face is sly. “Tell Ellie about your new man.”
Gracie bounces where she sits, clasping her hands together. “Gladly. He’s tall. Blond. Curly hair. Big Adam’s apple.”
I frown. “You like his…Adam’s apple?”
“It’s so cute when he swallows! I don’t know. I’m weird sometimes.” Gracie waves a hand dismissively. “Anyway, his name is Franz.”
I send a questioning look to Hayden, who’s watching me carefully. As if she’s waiting for my reaction.
“Franz?” I unzip my backpack and grab my water bottle from it, popping open the lid and taking a sip. “What’s up with the name?”
“He’s from Germany. He’s a transfer student,” Gracie says with excitement. “His accent is sexy.”
“Really? We had a German foreign exchange student at my high school when I was a freshman. He was really nice, but whenever he spoke German, it kind of…scared me.”
Gracie frowns. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. It’s a very intimidating sounding language,” I say with a shrug, not wanting to upset Gracie. She seems really excited by this guy.
I’ve come to realize quickly that she’s excited about every new guy who comes into her life. And that lasts a few weeks before she’s ready to move on. I’m guessing this Franz is on the tail end of his journey with Gracie.
“Well, he’s coming to our party at Tony’s tomorrow so you’ll get to meet him then,” Gracie says. She must see something on my face because she frowns. “You are coming to the party tomorrow, right?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug, suddenly wanting to evade this conversation.
Hayden rests her arms on top of the picnic table and leans across it, reminding me of a stern teacher. Which is perfect since that’s her major. “Why are you even considering bailing out on this party? We’re the ones in charge of it, and that includes you. Tony’s just being kind enough to let us have it at his place.”
“Yeah. I don’t know.” I shrug, trying to play it off.
Hayden sends Gracie a knowing look before blasting me with her intense gaze once again. “Does this have anything to do with a certain Jackson Rivers possibly showing up?”
“Not at all,” I say too quickly.
“Bullshit,” Hayden says on a sigh, shaking her head. “Ellie. Don’t let him scare you off.”
“Will he be there?”
“Probably,” Hayden says.
“Then I don’t want to be there,” I say firmly.
“Girl, you can’t let him control your social life,” Gracie says. “I hate Caleb with a passion, yet he’s always right there. In my face. I’ve just learned how to ignore him.”
“You don’t hate him,” Hayden reminds her.
“Yeah you definitely don’t,” I say. “But has Caleb kissed you? Led you on and then told you he just wants to be your friend?” I ask. They know what happened that night after the concert. How much he humiliated me after giving me the most spectacular kiss of my life.
I still can’t forgive him for it.
“Caleb propositions me pretty much every time we run into each other,” Gracie says. “He wants in my pants. Badly.”
“And she wants in his pants,” Hayden adds. “Badly.”
“I do not,” Gracie says irritably.
“I don’t want in Jackson’s pants,” I say.
“Liar,” they say at the same time before they start laughing.
I can’t help but laugh too, because they’re right. I’m a total liar. I would love to get in Jackson’s pants. But I’m not going to keep throwing myself at him. I can only take being rejected a couple of hundred times before I want to wither up and die.
His rejection that night was like having a hammer banged on top of my head. Knocking sense into me and making me see exactly what he was doing.
Using me. I made him feel good. Puffed up his ego, whatever. Yes, he had adoring fans at his concerts every night, but I was the one constant in his life who didn’t let him down. Who was always there to pick him up.
Well, screw that. I’m tired of picking someone up who doesn’t want me. Lesson learned, the hard way, but at least I didn’t get in too deep.
Okay, that’s a total lie. I got in way too deep with Jackson. I’m still there, treading water in the deep end. But I’m trying my best to get out, and Carson might be just the distraction I need.
“I met a boy,” I tell them, which silences their laughing almost immediately.
“Tell us more,” Hayden says, her eyes twinkling.
I explain my literal run-in with Carson. How cute he was. How he said he’d help me in class.
“I hate math,” I say, wrinkling my nose.
“How kind of him to offer,” Gracie says, waggling her eyebrows.
“It was nothing like that. He was kind of nerdy in a cute way. He wears glasses.”
“I love a cute boy in glasses,” Gracie says with a wistful sigh.
“He’s in my sociology class too,” I add. “Hopefully I’ll see him tomorrow.”
“If you see him tomorrow, you should invite him to our party,” Hayden says.
I slowly shake my head. “No way. I’m not going, remember?”
“Ellie!” Hayden sounds completely frustrated with me. “You’re going. Who cares about Jackson? Ignore him the entire night. It’ll piss him off.”
“That’s my plan with Caleb,” Gracie adds. “I love nothing more than to piss him off. He makes it so easy.”
“I don’t think I’m as strong as you two,” I say morosely. “Besides, you’ll have Franz wi
th you.” I point at Gracie.
“And you could have your cute, nerdy Carson with you,” she says with a smile. “That will make Jackson so jealous, he won’t be able to see straight!”
“He doesn’t get jealous of anything I do.”
“Because you haven’t given him a reason to be jealous yet,” Hayden says, ever so logical. “Your boy shows up at the party tomorrow night, just for you? Jackson will lose his mind.”
“Doubtful,” I say, though maybe…
Maybe they’re on to something? I don’t know. Jackson doesn’t give a crap about me. That much is clear. I gave him clear stay away from me vibes and he did exactly that. If he really cared, he would’ve reached out by now.
Right?
And I don’t want to use Carson to get back at Jackson. That’s mean. I like him. He seems nice. I need to move on with my life and try to actually live it, versus sitting around, waiting for Jackson to notice me.
Forget that. Forget him. I’m going to move on from Jackson.
Even if it kills me.
“Ellie, please go. Invite whoever you want. All of your friends. Let’s make this thing a rager,” Gracie says, her voice soft and pleading. “You need to let loose and have a good time. You’re so uptight, worried about a guy who clearly doesn’t care.”
Ouch. Her words hurt. But they are also the slap of reality I need. Jackson has proven he doesn’t care. It’s been a month. No calls, no texts, not even a glimpse of him on campus. I don’t hang out at his apartment anymore since Ava left. I’m not hanging out at Tony and Caleb’s condo either because I know I’ll run into him. Plus, I’ve been busy with work and school. My new job at the restaurant near campus is practically full-time, because I need the money.
It’s a lot. I don’t have time for him. Though he haunts my thoughts still.
Constantly.
Ugh. Whyyyyy?
“Fine,” I say, sitting up straighter. “If I run into Carson again, I’ll invite him to the party.”
“Good,” Hayden says with a firm nod. “Come over early and we’ll glam you up.”
“Glam me up?” I ask cautiously. “I don’t like wearing a lot of makeup.”
The Sophomore Page 5