“Damn bro. I never thought you’d actually go for it.” He shakes his head. “How was it?”
It’s none of his damn business, but I guess I need to give him something. “It was—good.”
“Want more?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know.” I shrug. “I don’t normally return for seconds. Or if I do, it’s only because I know I’ll never see her again.”
“You’re probably going to see Ellie a lot over the next few years,” Eli reminds me.
“I know,” I say miserably, hating that I sound so down and out. “I fucked up.”
“Maybe. Maybe not,” Eli says.
“What do you mean?”
“Keep it light. Keep it casual. See what happens. Ellie might be down. She’s eager to take any bit of attention you toss her way, I know that,” Eli explains.
“You make her sound desperate,” I say, my voice edged with steel. I don’t like hearing him talk about her like that. “She’s not.”
He actually laughs, the fucker. “Simmer down. I’m not knocking your girl. I’m just stating facts. This is a girl who’s been worshiping the Jackson Rivers shrine for a long ass time. She’ll do whatever she can to keep you.”
“Eli, what the fuck are you saying? I don’t want to string her along. She’s the serious type. You know this,” I point out.
“Right. You’re right. But she might be the nonserious type too. You’ll never know until you talk to her.” He turns onto Shaw Avenue and we’re only minutes from the restaurant. “I say you go for it.”
“Are you giving me permission?”
“If that’s what you need, then yes.” He grins. “Do it. Do her. Do her all night long, for as many nights as possible. Let it happen. See where it takes you.”
“If Ava heard you say this about her best friend, she’d kick your ass,” I remind him.
The look of terror on Eli’s face almost makes me laugh. “You can’t tell her. She’ll kill me.”
“You’d deserve to be killed.” I finally do laugh, but it’s brief. “I can’t use Ellie like that.”
Eli exhales, shaking his head. “I know. I was just talking out my ass. She’s a good girl, Jackson.”
“I know. She’s one of the best.” The absolute best. So responsive. So pretty. So sweet. All mine.
Yeah, no. Those last two words don’t apply. Well, they do. She could be all mine. All I have to do is say the words and I could make it happen.
Egotistical of me to think, but it’s true. She wants me.
Damn it, I want her too.
Could I keep it casual with Ellie? Probably not. She’d be in way too deep. She probably already is.
The problem? I don’t want pressure and commitment. I just want more.
More Ellie.
Eighteen
Ellie
I’ve walked around in an orgasm-induced fog for much of the day. Silly, right? Jackson makes me come once and I can’t stop thinking about it. How perfect the moment was—at least for me. I’m sure it would’ve been better if he’d let me do something for him, but of course, typical me, I was too scared to push.
As I go about my day, I become more and more confident. I’m not even mad that he slipped out of my bed God knows when and didn’t leave a note or text me. He hasn’t texted me all day. And that’s all right. I’m cool with it. I’ll see him again tonight, when he picks me up after work, and then…
Then I’ll jump him.
I’m downright giddy at the thought.
I take the bus from campus back home after class so I can get ready for work. I really miss my car. Maybe I should text Jackson and ask if he’s talked to the mechanic yet? I don’t want to seem pushy…
Ugh, I hate how I second-guess myself.
Entering my apartment, I find my roommate Alaina sitting on the couch, watching TV. She glances in my direction when she hears the door open, her face lighting up.
“Ellie! Hey, hi!”
I shut and lock the door before I turn to face her, confused by her enthusiasm. She’s been the least friendly of my three new roommates. Not that she’s been mean or anything, but she hasn’t been especially nice either.
“Hi. How are you?”
“Good. Great! How are you is the question.” The sly look she sends my way has my mind going blank. She’s watching me as if she knows all of my secrets.
But what could she know?
“I’m good,” I say carefully as I enter the living room, clutching the strap of my backpack. “It’s a Wednesday, you know? Closer to the weekend.”
Which I still have to work, so a weekend doesn’t equate days off for me. I do have Sunday off though. Friday and Saturday night are both going to be busy, though not as much as usual since the football team is playing an away game.
“Yes. Right. The weekend. I’m guessing you’ll be spending it with your boyfriend?” The pointed look she sends me, along with her words, makes me realize that she probably saw Jackson.
But when? Not when we arrived. The house was quiet. They were asleep.
Maybe this morning when he left?
“Um, I don’t really have a boyfriend,” I admit.
“That’s not what he said.” Her tone is knowing and when I continue to stare at her helplessly, she throws her hands up. “Girl, you’ve been keeping secrets! That boy is gorgeous.”
“Oh. Uh, yeah.”
“Having middle of the night hookups with a complete hottie.” Alaina shakes her head. “I must’ve seen him around campus before. He’s really familiar. And really hot, too. I didn’t know you had it in you.”
“What do you mean, had it in me?” Now I’m vaguely offended.
“That you could snatch up a guy like that. Whew.” She fans herself. “I about died when I saw him sneaking out of the house this morning.”
And there’s my confirmation. “What time was that at exactly?”
“Little after five. I like to get up early and go running, remember.” Alaina is a running freak. She owns so many pairs of running shoes, it’s borderline obsessive. She showed us her collection when she first moved in, and even admitted she didn’t bring half of it.
What she did bring seemed pretty excessive.
“He was about to leave when he glanced over at me standing in the kitchen, eating a banana. I about swallowed my tongue when I saw him.” She’s staring at me in amazement. “Please tell me you two hooked up.”
What I really want to tell her is that what Jackson and I did is none of her business, but I don’t have it in me to be that rude. I just smile and nod, trying to look mysterious, not saying a word, but she won’t let me get away with it.
“Come on,” she says. “You have to tell me.”
I don’t have to tell her anything. “He’s an old friend,” I finally say. “We’ve known each other since high school. He’s a year older though.”
“He said he was your boyfriend,” Alaina says.
I frown. “Really?” I find that hard to believe.
She nods. “Well, I asked him if he was your boyfriend, and he said yes. Maybe you two need to have a little talk. Define what you guys are doing.”
Alaina grins. I scowl. I don’t understand where she’s going with this. Or why she cares so much. Maybe she just likes to gossip. Or maybe she’s digging for info on Jackson because she’s interested in him too.
I look at her—as in, I really take note of her features. Long brown hair. Pretty face—not outrageously gorgeous or anything, but she’s really cute. Slender figure. Tall. Extremely fit. Eats well, a vegetarian who’s considering going full vegan. She’s probably Jackson’s type.
But does he even have a type? To me, he seems to appreciate all females, which is so freaking frustrating.
I’m selfish. I want him to only appreciate me.
“Like I said, we’re just friends,” I tell her, deciding to remain honest. “Maybe there’s potential for more, maybe not. We’ll see.”
“I love your attitude, Ellie. I wish I could
be more like you. When I meet a guy I like, I go all in—and somehow, I always mess it up.” Her compliment makes me feel bad for judging her earlier and looking at her as competition. “I wish I was more casual with my feelings like you. I’d give anything to be able to keep an open mind and not fall so hard for someone that I can’t even see straight.”
I mull over what Alaina said to me as I get ready for work. She thinks I’m super casual over this situation with Jackson, when that’s the furthest thing from the truth. I’m not casual at all. I am in love with stupid Jackson Rivers and I have been for over a year. I’ve let him keep stringing me along like the complete dumb girl I am.
And now when he gives me a crumb—okay, it was more than a crumb—of attention, I’ve got stars in my eyes all over again and orgasms on the brain. As in, when can he give me another one?
What if he never gives me another one? He could totally freak out. That’s his way. He’s not one to stick with a girl for very long. He can’t commit. And according to Caleb, I have commitment written all over my body like invisible tattoos.
He told me that once last year at a party when he was drunk and annoyed with women in general. I adore Caleb most of time, and at one point in my life had a major crush on him, but he can say some really awful things.
I suppose it’s part of his charm.
Hayden texts me as I’m doing my hair, pulling it into two tight braids so that’ll it stay out of my face completely tonight. I don’t care if I end up looking twelve.
Hayden: I can’t take you to work, but Gracie can!
Me: Oh no! Are you okay?
Hayden: Turns out I have a dentist appointment I completely forgot about. They called me and left a voicemail confirming it yesterday and I didn’t check my voicemail until an hour ago. Oops. I’m sitting in the waiting room now.
Me: Is Gracie cool with taking me? I could find another ride if I have to.
Hayden: No, she’s fine with it! She adores you. You know this.
I smile. I suppose I do. I adore Gracie too. I adore the both of them.
Me: Have fun at the dentist!
Hayden: It’s just a cleaning but ugh. LOL See ya sweetie!
I can’t help but think I have good friends.
I’m bounding down the stairs when I get a text from Gracie.
Gracie: I’m in your apartment parking lot, ready to take you to work.
Me: You’re the best! I’ll be right out.
I grab my purse and leave the apartment, glad no one is around that I have to talk to so I can escape quickly. As I make my way toward Gracie’s Honda Civic, I contemplate what I should say. If I should tell her about what happened between Jackson and me last night. Though she might immediately assume he’s going to do something terrible, which we all know he’s capable of. And he’s capable of doing some crappy stuff. Like possibly ignoring me.
God, I hope not.
Why am I thinking such negative thoughts anyway? Gracie will be excited for me. And neither of us should automatically assume he’s going to do something terrible. He’s not a horrible human.
Most of the time.
Ha.
I’ve never really talked to Gracie alone for a long period of time. It’s always Hayden and Gracie together. The drive to Doghouse Grill isn’t long. Ten minutes if traffic is bad. But we’re early, and we have time to chat in her car if she wants to.
I might want to.
As I get closer, Gracie spots me and waves, hitting the unlock button so I can open the passenger side door. I slide into her cool vehicle and shut the door, smiling over at her.
“Thank you so much for driving me to work.”
“It is no problem.” She glances around, peering out the windshield. “This complex is so nice.”
“Thanks. I like it here. I feel safe.”
“I love that it’s gated. Our complex isn’t. My mom had a fit about that, but we’re on the second floor, so that calmed her down some.” Gracie rolls her eyes as she puts the car in reverse and backs out of the parking space. “She’s super overprotective sometimes, and I’m almost twenty-one for God’s sake.”
“My parents are really overprotective too,” I admit, gnawing on my lower lip, dying to blurt out that I messed around with Jackson last night.
But I keep the words locked in, waiting for the right moment.
“They can’t help it, I guess.” She glances over at me as she waits for traffic to pass before pulling out onto the street. “You like working at Doghouse Grill?”
“It’s okay. Great tips. Really fast-paced, which helps the time fly by. I see lots of college students,” I tell her.
“Cute boys?”
“Yes,” I say with a smile. “Lots of those.”
“I should hang out there for a while tonight then. I need a new man in my life,” she says with a sigh.
“What happened to Franz?” He seemed sweet. Not very talkative, though. Tall, with a hint of dork. I love that Gracie doesn’t discriminate when it comes to guys. She’s attracted to all types.
“We were bored with each other,” she admits. “We couldn’t really make conversation. And yes, sometimes I’m not in a relationship for conversation, but I do want to be able to talk to the guy before and after the good stuff, you know what I mean?”
I have zero experience with that, but I nod like I do.
“Were you attracted to him sexually?” I ask.
“Sort of. He was a decent kisser. But that’s about as far as it got before I realized maybe he wasn’t the guy for me.” She sends me a quick look. “Hayden says I’m addicted to the chase. Once I catch them, I’m over it.”
“Maybe you are,” I say gently. I definitely think Hayden is onto something.
“That sucks. Makes me sound shallow.”
“I’m thinking it’s more you just haven’t found the right guy yet,” I say, not wanting her to believe she’s shallow. She’s not. Gracie has substance. She’s smart and fun and she wants to be a teacher and work with little kids. That’s awesome. So what if she hasn’t figured out what she wants in a guy? This is why she keeps dating all sorts of them.
She’s trying to find the perfect man for her.
“I suppose,” she says, sounding weary. “My mom says you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.”
“Sounds like your mom is wise.” I pause. “Or she really likes clichés.”
Gracie laughs. “Both. I don’t know. I’m starting to think I need to go on a man ban and focus on my path to discovery. A little self-help is always good for the soul.”
“A man ban?” I laugh. “I like the way that sounds.”
“You should join me. I’m sure you’d benefit from a man ban too, since Jackson always strings you along.” She presses her lips together, regret on her face. “That sounded mean. I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s true.” Until last night. “Here’s where I say I have something to tell you.”
“Oooh, what is it?”
“You can’t tell anyone.”
She holds up her hand. “Scout’s honor.”
“Not even Hayden.”
“What? I don’t like keeping secrets from her! More like it’s impossible for me to keep secrets from her.”
I sigh. “Seriously, Gracie. This is big. And I want to be the one who tells Hayden.”
I’m terrified of what Hayden might say though. And Gracie too. But the cat is halfway out of the bag so I don’t have a choice.
“What is it?”
Here we go.
“Jackson came over to my apartment last night and…” I don’t finish the sentence.
Gracie’s quiet for a moment. The silence is a killer. I’m literally squirming in my seat.
“And what?” she finally asks.
“We kind of…hooked up.”
She squeals. So loud, I wish for the silence again. My ears are literally ringing.
“Are you fucking serious?” she screeches.
“Yes! Can you believe i
t?” I shout, then immediately clear my throat. I need to calm down. “We did.”
“What happened?”
“Um...” It’s hard for me to say the words out loud.
“P into V?”
“No.”
“Mouth on P. BJ.”
I shake my head.
“Ooh, mouth on V.” Her smile is dirty, there is no other way to describe it.
“I wish,” I say on a sigh.
“Did he finger you, Ellie?” I slap my hands over my face and she bursts out laughing. “Oh my God, he did! He finger-banged you!”
“I’ve always hated that term. It’s so…crass.”
She laughs some more. “Please tell me he made you come.”
“Uh…yeah.”
“Nice! Did you give him a hand job?”
“No.”
“No?” She sounds almost alarmed.
“He said he wanted to take care of me,” I admit.
Another sigh leaves her. “He’s got a serious hero complex with you. Hayden is right. He has a thing about always rushing in to take care of you.”
“Why do you think he does that?” I ask, genuinely curious. I’ve tried to figure him out, but I’m at a loss most of the time.
“He’s put you on a pedestal. A lot of men do this. I think it’s called the Madonna whore complex? Like, he desires you, but you’re his friend and he respects you too, so in his head, he shouldn’t fuck with you,” she explains, frowning. “I’m messing this up. But I think you know what I mean.”
“I do,” I say, glancing out the window. “I don’t want him to see me as some sort of Virgin Mary he can’t touch.”
“Are you a virgin, Ellie?”
“I am.” And I’m not even embarrassed by it. I’m only eighteen. I’ve never really had a serious boyfriend before. Last night with Jackson is as far as I’ve ever taken it.
But I’m ready to do more.
“That’s a lot of responsibility for a guy like Jackson,” she says. “He seems the type to always want to play around and never commit.”
“I know. He’s afraid of commitment. His parents had a nasty divorce.” And he told me about it too. How it messed with his head. Made him realize he didn’t want to get married. He even said he doesn’t want kids.
The Sophomore Page 16