“I totally agree,” Gracie says with a nod.
“So you don’t think I need to do anything different to try and get his attention?” I ask, wanting to be sure.
“No,” Hayden says. “Just—keep being you, while he spirals out of control and completely falls in love with you.”
My heart flutters at her words, and I tell it to calm down. “I don’t want to get my hopes up.”
“You’re not misreading him. Don’t think that you are,” Hayden says.
“He’s picking me up at three to take me to the mechanic shop,” I reveal. “My car will be ready by then.”
“Aw, so he won’t have to pick you up after work?” Gracie looks disappointed.
I shrug. “Guess that obligation is finished.”
“He can still come by after work though,” Hayden says with a sly smile.
“Booty call!” Gracie says, and they give each other a high five.
I scowl at them, but they just laugh at me. Until I’m laughing too. Worry nags at me though. What if this doesn’t work out? I’m a planner. I normally like sure things. Whatever is happening between Jackson and I can’t be described as one, not in the least. He doesn’t come with guarantees. Most people don’t.
Seriously, what the hell am I doing? Is it a mistake, believing I can have something real with the boy who used to avoid me in public places, yet told me all of his deepest secrets in private? Should I even trust him?
My heart tells me yes. My logical brain?
Is screaming at me, nooooooo.
We chat a while longer and then Hayden agrees to drop me off at my apartment, which is a big help. She gets me home earlier than normal so I take a shower and get ready for work, taking my time so I look the best that I can.
By the time it’s close to three, I’m a nervous wreck. My stomach is twisted up in knots and my hands are shaking as I apply a coat of lip gloss. When I’m finally done, I rub my lips together and take a step back, contemplating myself. I look no different. My hair is curled, so that’s nice. I turn to the side, smoothing my T-shirt over my stomach. At least it’s not stained, and I’m wearing my best bra so my boobs look good.
There’s a knock on the door and I run down the stairs, slowing as I get to the bottom, and taking a deep breath. I need to remain calm. Unfazed.
I approach the door, exhale slowly and turn the lock, opening the door and smiling at Jackson, who is standing on my doorstep, sexy as can be.
Black T-shirt. Light gray basketball shorts. Socks covering his feet with Nike slides. The typical stuff I see boys wearing on campus. Jackson just looks a little sexier with it. Maybe it’s the longish blond hair that flops over his forehead. The chain around his neck. The look in his eyes when his gaze meets mine, the faint smile curling his lips.
“Hey,” he says, his voice low and a little gravelly. “Can I come in for a minute?”
“Sure.” I open the door wider and he walks inside.
“I wanted to get here a little early because I hoped I could talk to you,” he says as I shut and lock the door. He stops in the middle of the living room, glancing around. “This is nice.”
“You’ve been here before,” I remind him.
“Yeah, when it was pitch black and I couldn’t see anything.” He smiles.
I blush, remembering that night.
I need to keep it together. Not get all flustered over him, which is far too easy to do.
“What did you want to talk about?” I ask, needing to change the subject.
“I wanted to apologize for what happened last night,” he says, his expression solemn. “I acted like a complete asshole.”
“Oh. It’s okay.” What does he mean, he acted like an asshole? Yes, I’d been mad at him for thinking he forgot me, but I got over that fast.
“I never want you to think I’d forget you. I was so tired. I just—when I fall asleep, sometimes I sleep hard. And that’s what happened. I didn’t mean to be late.” He takes a step toward me, his hand reaching out, but he lets it drop before he makes actual contact. “And then I acted like a dick toward you. And your—friend.”
There it is. That tiny glimpse of jealousy. I’m tempted to smile. Worse, I’m tempted to ask him about it, but I keep that particular question to myself. “He’s fine. Don’t worry about him.”
“If you say so.” He doesn’t sound so sure. “Are we fine?”
“What do you mean?”
“Me and you.” He takes another step closer, and this time, his hand makes contact with my arm, his fingers warm on my skin. “I don’t want to fuck this up.”
“Fuck what up?” I ask, suddenly breathless.
“I don’t know. Whatever it is we’re doing right now.” His hand drops from my arm to my waist, pulling me in until we’re flush against each other. “Your roommates home?”
I shake my head. “No—”
He kisses me before I can finish the sentence, and I’m lost. To the sensation of his mouth moving on mine, his tongue searching. His hands gripping me close. I wrap my arms around him and hang on for the ride, never wanting this to end. I could drown in him, in this, in us so easily. But I need to keep my head. I have to remain smart.
I don’t want to get hurt.
We kiss like this for minutes. Until I’m finally pulling away, needing to breathe, to gather my thoughts. “We should probably get going.”
“Yeah.” He exhales loudly, leaning in, pressing his forehead to mine. “I don’t want to though.”
Excitement races through me at his confession. “We’re running out of time.”
“You’re right. Practice starts at four.” He releases me and takes a step backward, running his hand through his hair. Trying to regain his composure. “You ready?”
I go to the mirror that’s on the wall right next to the front door, checking my hair. I run my fingers through it, noticing there’s not a bit of gloss left on my lips. I chance a look at Jackson, who is currently sporting a few flecks of glitter on his pretty mouth.
Ha. I marked him.
“Let’s go,” I say.
Once Jackson settles up with the mechanic, we go out to the parking lot and I climb into my car to test it. The engine starts right up, and I reach out to pat the dashboard, murmuring, “Good girl,” under my breath, feeling completely ridiculous, but serious.
I need this car. It’s practically my lifeline. The only thing I own and I can’t lose it. And now I’m completely in debt to Jackson since he just forked over almost nine hundred dollars to fix it.
The car probably isn’t even worth that much.
“Engine sounds good,” Jackson tells me when I roll down the window and offer him a thumbs up.
“It does. Thank you again for paying for the repairs,” I say, my voice sincere, my gaze never straying from his. I wonder if he knows how much it means to me, what he did. “I want to pay you back.”
“Ellie. I know you don’t have a lot of money.” His smile is sweet. “I don’t mind.”
“I do, though. That’s the thing. And I don’t want to feel like I owe you so much money. I’d rather pay you back. In small chunks, because that’s the only way I can manage it,” I explain.
“Whatever makes you happy,” he says, his entire demeanor easygoing. “That’s all I want.”
I take his words to heart. And of course, my heart soars, because it’s stupid and a big believer in true love.
“Have fun at practice,” I tell him, not wanting him to leave.
“Have a good night at work,” he says, acting like he doesn’t want to leave me either. “Since we’re leaving tomorrow for the game, I probably won’t see you until Monday.”
My soaring heart crashes, just like that. I momentarily forgot that they’re leaving. I suppose I could invite him over to my place after work. I should.
I totally should.
“Good luck at your game,” I say, instead of inviting him. “I’m sure you guys will do great.”
“They’ll do great,” he
says, his voice light, his gaze full of disappointment. He blinks and it’s gone. “While I’ll sit on the bench.”
He hates that. I know he does, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it for him. “You’ll get your chance.”
“Maybe. Maybe not.” He shrugs one broad shoulder. “See you Monday?”
I nod, fighting the sadness that threatens to overtake me. “Be safe.”
His gaze softens. “You too.”
I watch him walk to his car, wishing he would’ve at least kissed me goodbye. Said something growly and sexy like he did last night. We may have had a mini make-out session at my apartment, but it wasn’t much, and I wanted more.
With Jackson, I always want more.
Right now, we’re acting…normal. Like we’re not trying to be anything other than friends.
And that’s depressing.
Twenty-Three
Jackson
The next few weeks pass by in a blur. Two away games in a row. Plenty of practices leading up to them. Lots of travel that leaves us exhausted but luckily enough, we win both games.
Not that I had anything to do with it.
Now it’s the long awaited first week in October—bye week for the Bulldog football team. It’s a relief to not have a game to play this weekend, and our practices so far aren’t nearly as intense. Which is good because I have other things happening.
Like a performance Thursday at Strummers, just for Rick and the execs at Evergreen Records. All of my friends are going as a show of support. I warned Caleb he can’t yell anything obscene, and he seemed disappointed. He might’ve also pouted like a little baby. Tough shit. I’m not going to let him make fun of me while I’m on stage.
I have people to impress.
Ellie will be there too, of course. Speaking of her…
We haven’t seen each other much these last couple of weeks. She’s always working. I’m in class—she’s in class. Or I have football. I leave for an away game. We haven’t been able to connect except through text, and I miss her.
I told myself not having her around would be a sign. Maybe even help me realize I don’t need her in my life like I thought I did. I was acting like a possessive fuck around her, and I didn’t like it. That’s not me.
But absence can make the heart grow fonder, and that’s exactly what’s happening with me when it comes to Ellie. I miss her so damn much it feels like there’s a hole in my heart, which is some dramatic, sappy shit. Just call me John Mayer because I’m writing songs about it, too. Emotional ones that are about her smiling face and other parts of her I want to explore.
I’m debuting a song Thursday night. Hopefully she won’t be too offended.
More than anything? Hopefully she’ll realize the song is about her.
After practice Wednesday night—our last one for the week, thank God—we head over to the Doghouse Grill for dinner, and I’m pretty sure Ellie’s working. I’m not even that hungry, but I’m glad we’re going there. Eli is in the best mood I’ve seen him in a long time, and that’s thanks to Ava arriving tomorrow.
“Smiling because you know you’re getting some pussy tomorrow?” Caleb asks Eli as we walk toward the restaurant entrance.
Tony slaps him on the back of the head. “So crude.”
“Sorry, Dad.” Caleb glares at Tony. I laugh. Eli just shakes his head.
“I’m glad she’ll be here tomorrow,” is all Eli says. And that’s all he has to say. We know he’s glad. He’s been missing his girl something fierce.
I think about me and Ellie. If she left and went to school somewhere else. Or if I left for another tour. Moved to Los Angeles to pursue this music career thing for real. What would I do? How would we do?
Frowning, I shake my head. Why am I even thinking like this? We’re not actually together. I’m still as free as a bird. So is she. If I moved, we’d both have to move on. There would be no other choice.
I rub my chest absently, my heart aching just thinking about it.
Yep. I am in way too deep. I need to get over myself. Stay strong. Remember she’s just a girl. A girl I like. A good friend. That’s it.
We enter the restaurant and stand in line, and I spot Ellie working behind the register, taking orders with a cheerful smile on her pretty face. Her long dark hair is in braids again. Looking cute as can be. My once aching heart now thumps in excitement at seeing her, and I tell it to calm the hell down.
We haven’t even done anything yet, and look at me. I fingered her once. We’ve kissed a few times. And here I am, like a lovesick puppy dog.
“There’s your girl.” Tony jabs me in the ribs with his elbow. “Hayden mentioned you two haven’t seen each other much lately.”
“We’re both busy,” I say with a shrug.
“You’re not leading her on, are you?” he asks.
I glance over at him, scowling. “No. I don’t know what we’re doing, if you want me to be real.”
“Yeah. Just asking. Hayden is worried. So is Gracie,” Tony says.
Great. That makes me feel terrible. I don’t like it when those chicks gang up on me. They’re fiercely protective of Ellie.
“Gracie is what?” Caleb asks, always nosy when her name pops up.
“Ready to beat your ass,” I tell him.
He frowns. “What did I do now?”
“What do you always do?” Tony asks him, going along with it. “She’s sick of your shit.”
“She can suck my dick,” Caleb says cheerfully, just before his expression turns serious. “Actually, I really wish she would.”
Eli shoves Caleb, so he topples over a little bit. “You need to learn how to respect women.”
“I do respect them! I love my mama,” Caleb says, his expression wounded as he rubs his arm.
Lately we’ve all been giving Caleb endless shit, and it’s fitting because that’s usually his job. He’s been more subdued lately and none of us are quite sure why. He’s still seeing Baylee on the side, here and there, which is messed up, but I have no room to judge or talk, so I keep my mouth shut. He’s also working hard to get into Gracie’s panties, and while she plays a good game of stay away from me when it comes to Caleb, I don’t know if she actually feels that way.
I think, deep down, she’s attracted to him.
“Leading on one girl while trying to get with another isn’t cool,” Eli says.
“I’m not doing that,” Caleb says defensively. “Gracie and I, we’re just joking around with each other. And Baylee knows where we stand.”
“Uh huh.” This is from Tony.
We’re all looking at Caleb as if he’s full of shit.
“Hey, I’m not being any worse than Ellie.” Caleb jabs his finger into my chest. “You know she’s still seeing that Carson dude.”
“What?” All the hairs on my body seem to stand on end. I glance in her direction once again, and as if she can feel me looking at her, she meets my gaze, offering me a sweet smile and a little wave.
I lift my chin in greeting before looking away.
“She is,” Caleb says, his expression smug. “I see the two of them together on campus all the time.”
“They have classes together,” I say in her defense. I do not want to go down this path. I don’t want to get jealous and act like a dick. I’m not that guy. I’m not.
I don’t want to be, at least. But it’s like I can’t help myself when it comes to Ellie.
“Yeah, keep telling yourself that. Pretty sure they’ve even gone on an actual date,” Caleb says, stressing that last word extra hard, so it’ll punch me right in the gut. Gee, thanks, my friend.
“Bro, why you gotta be like that?” Eli says to Caleb, coming to my defense. “Are you purposely trying to rub it in his face?”
“Caleb,” Tony says, sending him a dark look. “Why are you starting trouble?”
“Why are you all on my jock? I’m not trying to start trouble. I’m just stating facts,” Caleb says with a shrug. “I heard the girls talking a few nights ago. Ellie
went to the movies with that guy.”
What the fuck? The movie date finally went down? Though I guess this is what I get. I’m too busy and don’t make time for her, like maybe I should. He persists because he’s not stupid or hesitant, and she goes on a date with him.
I’m instantly pissed.
And insanely jealous.
By the time we make it to the counter to place our orders, we’re all not talking, too busy glowering at each other. Caleb claims he didn’t mean to start shit, but come on. He totally did. He wanted the heat off him, and now I’m the one who’s pissed off.
“Don’t you guys look menacing,” Ellie greets us, her smile fading as she takes us all in. “Okay. Who wants to order first?”
“I will.” Caleb flashes her that charming, ‘I don’t give a shit’ smile and tells her what he wants. Tony is next. Then Eli. And finally.
Me.
“Hi,” she greets me with one of those breathless smiles of hers. The ones that usually make me want to discover other ways I can leave her breathless. “I’m so glad you came in tonight. I’ve been thinking about you.”
“Really? Did you think about me when you went to the movies with Carson?”
The words fall from my lips without thought. They’re just out there, bouncing between us, and her mouth drops open as she scrutinizes me.
I snap my lips into a straight line, hating that I said that. Hating that I look like a territorial dick. Hating worse that I’d love nothing more than to piss a circle around where she stands so I can tell that Carson kid to back the fuck off, once and for all.
Disgusting but true.
“Um, are you okay?” Her smile is fake. Frozen in place. Like she doesn’t know what to say.
“I’m fucking great.” My smile is just as fake as I make my order.
She gives me my total. “Maybe we could talk later? After I get off work? I close tonight. As usual.”
“You don’t have plans?” I ask pointedly as I hand over my credit card.
Ellie sends me a questioning look. “No. Do you? Look, I know we’ve been super busy lately, but—”
The Sophomore Page 20