“Maybe you overreacted,” Ava says when I finish speaking.
“Nope. I didn’t.” I shake my head, not about to take responsibility for the blow up. “He’s the one with jealousy issues, yet he never tells me that he actually wants to be with me. If I give him a piece of myself and then he dumps me for some other random girl to hook up with after a performance or game or whatever? Forget that. I don’t want to be just another girl added to his list.”
“You’re already on the list,” she reminds me gently.
“I’ve never allowed his P into my V, as Gracie says.” I roll my eyes while Ava laughs. “And that P is coming nowhere near me if he can’t tell me, Ellie, I want to be with you. He couldn’t manage it last night. What’s going to change?”
Ava’s laughter dies and she sends me a sad smile. “Are you going to be okay at Strummers?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. Probably. I’ve done this sort of thing before. Watched him with adoration in my eyes while hundreds of girls and Caleb scream his name.”
We both smile, thinking of Caleb fangirl screaming.
“I heard Caleb isn’t allowed to scream his name tonight. Not with those record execs coming to watch him perform,” Ava tells me.
Right. The record execs. Jackson told me about his call with the guy from Evergreen last week. I hope it works out for him, though he’ll probably tell them no anyway.
And I’m sad no one told me about Caleb not being allowed to scream how hot Jackson is like he usually does. But I haven’t been hanging around any of them lately. I’ve been too busy. And okay…maybe I’m distancing myself from the gang. They all surround Jackson continuously, keeping us linked. I might need to break that connection.
Sooner than I thought.
“I’ll go tonight, but if he acts like a jerk, forget it. I won’t stick around,” I say.
“We’re all going to hang out at Eli and Jackson’s apartment after the concert,” Ava says, reaching out to gently touch my arm. “I want you there.”
“And I would love to be there, but I can’t go.” I shake my head, anxiety filling me just at the thought of being there. “I have to protect myself.”
“I get it. I do.” She hauls me in for another hug. Ava is never one to avoid her emotions. That’s one of my favorite things about her. “He’s a fucker.”
“Who? Jackson?” I start to laugh.
She pulls away from me, her expression fierce. “He is. A complete motherfucker. Why does he have to toy with your emotions like this? Why can’t he just give in and tell you what you want to hear?”
“Because maybe he doesn’t feel that way about me. I don’t want him saying those things if he doesn’t mean it.” My words are logical, as are my thoughts. And I tell myself it’s okay if he doesn’t actually feel that way about me.
But it hurts. It hurts like crazy because why else would he get jealous over Carson? Is Jackson that much in denial? Or is he one of those assholes who doesn’t want me, but doesn’t want anyone else to have me either?
I’m guessing the latter. So many guys are like that. It’s such bullshit.
“It’s okay if that’s the case,” I continue since Ava hasn’t responded. “I can move on. Eventually.”
“Yeah, I know you can,” she says softly, her eyes glowing. “You’re such a good person, Ellie. And you have such a big heart. If Jackson can’t see your worth, another guy will, and he’ll give you the proper treatment you deserve.”
“I know. You’re right. Thank you.” We hug again. Her words are reassuring. They make me a feel a little better. Though deep down inside…
All I want is Jackson.
We arrive at Strummers thirty minutes before they open the doors. The line is wrapped around the building, nothing but teenaged girls as far as the eye can see. I rode over to Strummers with Eli and Ava, feeling like a complete third wheel. They are all over each other, Eli acting like he can’t take his eyes or hands off of her, and by the time we’re out of the car and headed for the venue, I’m walking far ahead of them so I don’t have to witness their slightly sickening display of affection toward each other.
It’s definitely a me problem and not a them problem, that’s for sure.
I spot Diego, Jocelyn, Gracie, Hayden, Tony and Caleb already standing in line, and I rush toward them, laughing with Gracie and Hayden as they wrap me up in a group hug.
“We haven’t seen you in forever!” Hayden says, squeezing me extra hard. “Are you avoiding us?”
I am going to miss them so badly. I don’t want to end our friendship, and I won’t. But I’m definitely going to keep them at arm’s length for a little bit while I work on getting over Jackson.
“I’m not avoiding you,” I tell them both with a smile. “I’ve just been really busy. Working a lot.”
“God, I know. School is such a grind,” Gracie says, rolling her eyes. “I’m ready to graduate.”
“G, we have two more years,” Hayden reminds her. “Well, a little less than that, but still. Buckle down, babe. We’ve got a long way to go.”
We talk about school. Classes. Tony joins our conversation, wrapping his arms around Hayden from behind and holding her close. Eli and Ava arrive long minutes later, which makes me wonder what they were up to. Probably making out. Now they’re hanging all over each other and everyone greets them enthusiastically, especially Ava. Caleb hangs back from the group, on the complete opposite side from where Gracie’s standing, and I wonder if those two have had another spat.
I feel for them. I really, really do.
Once the doors open, it’s a mad rush to get inside. Normally by this point in the night, I’d be texting Jackson, wishing him luck. Gushing over his potential performance and reassuring him that he’s going to do great. But I do none of that. I don’t text him at all, because damn it, I want him to miss me.
I want him to miss me so badly, he’ll realize he needs me in his life after all.
The inside of Strummers is jam-packed with people. Jackson is the main attraction tonight. There’s a band opening before him, and I feel sorry for them. These girls aren’t here to see them. They’re all Jackson Rivers’ fangirls, just like I used to be.
Used to be. Ha.
Still am.
Caleb worms his way through the crowd of overexcited females, indicating that we should all follow after him. We make a human chain, linking hands as we move through the thick clusters of people, trying to get closer to the stage. There’s no advanced admission tickets at this place. It’s first come, first serve and the floor is open. This is where I’m grateful for the big football players in our group. They just push their way through the crowd, Caleb always being the most aggressive of the bunch.
We’re closer to the stage, but there are still a few rows of people ahead of us. The lights go down, girls start screaming, and when the curtains lift, a band is on stage. All of them young, baby-faced cuties.
The girls start shrieking as soon as they launch into a fast-paced song.
“Who are these guys?” Ava shouts into my ear.
I shrug. “I don’t know.”
“They’re Cupid’s Bow,” Gracie yells at us with a big grin on her face. “Aren’t they adorable? They came up with the name because one of their moms told them they look like a group of cherubs, since they have such pretty faces.”
I want to roll my eyes, but I keep myself in check. I pay close attention, the way they smile out at the crowd, pointing and winking at girls. Making it seem like they’re singing at one girl in a particular. There are two guitarists and a bassist, and they’re not bad. Their voices are a little shaky, but I’ve heard worse. And their enthusiasm makes up for any lack of skill. They look like they’re truly enjoying themselves. And from all the incessant screaming, I’d guess the majority of the audience enjoys them too.
Hmm, maybe they all aren’t here just for Jackson. Maybe this band is attracting a bunch of groupies too. Smart to put them together.
The set goes on for ov
er a half hour and it’s continuous teeny bop sounding rock music. I could easily imagine these guys on the radio. I find myself moving to the music. Gracie and I dance around each other in circles, laughing as Gracie sings along with the chorus. Someone is clearly a fan.
This is what I love about Gracie. She embraces everything and everyone. She’s interested in all sorts of different things, and she’s open to everyone. She’s not afraid to say what she feels either.
I could take lessons from her. In fact, I have been, and she’s been a big help. Showing me how much stronger I can be.
That’s what I need. To be stronger. To stand up for myself. To ask for what I want, instead of expecting someone to figure it out on their own.
Like Jackson.
The band ends their set with a ballad, and all the girls sway with their arms up in the air, clutching their phones with the flashlight on, brightening the room. The couples I’m with are all cuddled up with each other, while Gracie, Caleb and I stand together, me in between them. I catch Caleb glancing in Gracie’s direction what feels like every few seconds, and I wish these two would either make it happen or give up. He also needs to do that with Baylee. Either tell her he wants to be with her, or cut her loose.
He’s not good enough for her. She’s put up with that shit way too long. Longer than I have with Jackson. I’ve gone to school with Baylee for what feels like forever. I’ve never really gotten close to her though. She moved in a different circle than I did, plus she’s a year older than me. And while she’s hung out with our group a few times, Caleb doesn’t bring her around that much. He actually told us he didn’t want to put ideas in her head by letting her hang with us.
That’s kind of messed up. But that’s exactly what the two of them are.
Like Jackson and me.
He put way too many ideas in my head, and now look at me. Pissed and hurt, ready to walk away for good. I’m even willing to give up my friends, so I don’t have to deal with his dumb ass anymore.
That’s actually infuriating.
When Cupid’s Bow finish their set, the curtains drop and the girls are left screaming at nothing. Once the regular lights come up and background music starts, some of the crowd thins, giving us more room to inch closer to the stage.
“Hope he brings it tonight,” Caleb says, shaking his head. “That band wasn’t so bad.”
“You’re into the One Direction sound now, hmm?” Gracie teases.
“That shit went a lot harder than 1D,” he scoffs, shaking his head. “Besides, I happen to like Harry Styles. That fucker does whatever he wants and no one judges him for it.”
“Are you serious?” I ask him, shocked. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a guy admit he likes Harry Styles. Not even Jackson, and he appreciates all kinds of music. Even boy bands.
“Sure. Why not? He sings and girls drop at his feet. They lose their fucking minds over that guy. To have that kind of power…” His voice shifts and he shakes his head. “Must be mind-blowing.”
“Ask your friend. I’m sure he knows all about it,” Gracie says, her gaze immediately going to mine. “Oops, I didn’t mean anything by—”
“No, it’s okay. Jackson does have a pretty big fan club,” I reassure her.
“Yeah, but you’re still his number one fangirl, right?” Gracie’s brows shoot up.
I slowly shake my head. “I don’t think so. Not anymore.”
And that makes me sad. Worse, it kind of hurts. It’s for the best though. I need to move on.
I have to.
We all chat while we wait for Jackson’s performance. It’s so hot in here, I’m sweating. Thank god I put my hair up in a high ponytail and am only wearing a cute camisole I bought at the end of summer. The straps are thin, as is the fabric, showing off plenty of skin. I wish I would’ve worn shorts because these jeans are confining, but whatever. Ava and I were going for a look, and we sort of match, like we’re still in middle school.
It was fun, getting ready with her earlier. Like old times.
The music stops. The lights shut off, and the crowd goes silent while we wait. I’m breathless, knowing what’s about to happen, but still excited over it anyway.
This is what Jackson does to me.
A single spotlight clicks on, shining on the stage, and there he is. Sitting in his ornate throne, his guitar in his lap, wearing jeans and a black tank. He leans in close to the mic, flicking his head to get the strands of his long blond hair out of his face. “Good evening. I’m Jackson Rivers.”
The crowd goes wild. Including me.
He launches into a song that is vaguely familiar, but I can’t quite place it. He usually kicks off every performance with a cover song, and it’s normally Nirvana.
But this isn’t Nirvana. I’m not sure who it is, but I can’t help swaying to the beat, letting it take over my body. Jackson’s voice wraps all around me, his fingers plucking the guitar strings nimbly, creating a bluesy sound. It dawns on me who the song reminds me of. I’m not a huge John Mayer fan, though my mom used to be, but the song has a Mayer feel and I’m thinking that’s who it is.
Hmm. Not what I would consider Jackson’s normal style, but I’m digging it.
Once the song is over, everyone claps and shouts. Jackson’s smiling, his gaze scanning the crowd. I keep myself tucked behind Caleb, not wanting him to see me enjoying this. Maybe I shouldn’t be enjoying it.
But it’s like I can’t help myself. I love the way he performs, his songs, his voice, his charisma on stage.
The curtains lift, revealing the band behind him, and he jumps out of the giant chair, leaving his guitar behind as he goes over to the microphone stand and clutches the mic with both hands. “I have a new song I’m debuting tonight. Wanna hear it?”
All the girls scream yes as loud as they can, including Caleb. Jackson sends him a warning look, and I can’t help but smile.
I love how Caleb gives him endless shit, and Jackson just takes it.
“Wanna know what it’s called?” Jackson asks, his gaze zeroing in on me and never straying.
Yes! They all scream again, except for me. I can’t speak.
All I can do is stare helplessly at this man I am hopelessly in love with.
He waits until they quiet down, licking his lower lip in this sexy way that probably has half the girls in the room melting as he murmurs close to the mic, “The song is called ‘Pink’. Here we go.”
The band starts playing, Jackson nodding his head to the beat. I’m breathless with anticipation, waiting to hear him sing and when he starts, I’m riveted.
When I first met you, I didn’t know what I had
You were loyal and true, yet I treated you so fuckin’ bad
You should’ve walked, when I proved who I really am
Yet here you still are, and you’re taking a stand
There are things I’ve done, words I can’t take back
That hurt you, destroyed you, and I’m a complete dick
But now I’m here with my heart in my hands
Eager and willing to make you understand
That every single part of me aches for you
Do you ache for me too?
Oh shit. I think this song is about…me.
Gracie and Hayden send me knowing looks. I can only shake my head helplessly, my eyes wide, my heart thumping wildly. I glance back at the stage, Jackson’s eyes finding mine once more as he launches into the chorus.
Pink
Like the color of your perfect lips
Pink
That smile of yours
could sink a thousand ships
Pink
Are your cheeks
when you think
of all the things I can do
Pink
Is my favorite place to touch you
The guitarist plays, and Jackson points at the crowd, his index finger aimed right at me.
There’s no other place I’d rather be
Than in the pink of you, surrounding me
/>
“What the hell?” Caleb swivels his head in my direction, gaping at me. “Is he singing about your ah…vagina?”
Gracie slaps his arm. Hayden starts to laugh. Ava is suddenly behind me, gripping my shoulders, her mouth at my ear.
“Pretty sure this song is for you,” she whisper-yells.
Yeah. I’m pretty sure it is, too.
Twenty-Five
Jackson
I played my fucking heart out tonight. Not for the fans, not for my friends. Not even for Rick and his people from Evergreen Records. Tonight wasn’t for any of them.
Tonight was for Ellie.
After our stupid argument the night before, I went over to Caleb and Tony’s and got shit-faced drunk. I couldn’t stop laughing at one point and they all got really pissed at me. They sat me down and gave me a talking to, and after I calmed down, I actually listened. I got real quiet as their words sunk in.
So did Ellie’s.
I’m a selfish dick. And I know it. I’ve been in denial, but my feelings for Ellie have been hiding in plain sight. I was just scared. Scared of fucking up. Scared of hurting her. Scared of getting myself into a situation I didn’t want to be in.
How bad could it be, being with Ellie? I have fun with her. She’s my friend. Even better, I want her. I’m attracted to her. I care about her. We have serious chemistry. I don’t know why I couldn’t admit this to myself sooner.
At least I’ve realized how much she means to me before I fucked it all up for good. Now I just need to convince her that I know what I want.
And that’s her.
I saw her hiding behind Caleb when I first started performing. She didn’t want me to see her, but like I told her last night, I do see her, all of her.
Everywhere she goes.
Pink is, of course, just for her. An ode to Ellie, and everything that she is. Every pretty little part of her, including the pink between her legs. Crude, yes, but fuck it. The words are all true. There is truly nowhere else I’d rather be, than sinking in the pink of her and feeling her surround me.
The Sophomore Page 22