“I suppose I can’t understand what it is to be a mother,” Devon agreed, “but I do understand when someone is hurting, and you are obviously in pain.”
Jessica nestled Ryan closer to her in a protective manner, and instantly Devon realized that her mood had to do with her insecurities over the boy. He’d figured she’d outgrown her concerns, but apparently she still carried the weight of her fears with her.
“Are you still afraid of losing his affection?” Devon finally asked.
Jessica stiffened for a moment, then her shoulders slumped forward as if she’d just met her defeat. “You can’t understand.”
“I only held him to help calm him down. You looked so tired, and Ryan was obviously tired; I just figured it might help.”
“It did help,” she said, wiping at tears with her free hand. “It’s just that he’s all I have, Devon. If I can’t be a good mother to him—if I can’t make it work between us—then I might as well give up.”
“Give up what? Motherhood? You can’t take them back once they’re here.”
“But there are those who would take them from you,” Jessica declared.
Devon felt confused. Who did she fear would take Ryan from her? “You don’t mean to suggest that someone might come after Ryan, do you? Someone from back East? His grandparents? Is that it?”
Jessica shook her head. “Newman’s family is all dead. They died when he was a teenager. His only brother died some years after that. He’d never married, and therefore Newman was the end of the line.”
“Then who?”
Jessica still refused to look Devon in the face. “There was a friend in New York, Essie. She always offered to help me with Ryan. She always insisted on having us spend our days with her, and she never wanted me to lift a finger to care for Ryan. She made me uneasy, but I felt sorry for her. She was barren, you see.”
Devon did indeed begin to get a clear picture of what must have taken place. “Go on,” he urged.
Jessica ran her hand across Ryan’s head. “One day she came to me with the idea of letting her and her husband adopt Ryan. She said it was impossible for me to give Ryan all he needed. She said she would make a better mother.”
“She obviously didn’t know you very well,” Devon muttered.
Jessica turned and gave him a look of frantic gratitude. “She thought she did. I’m afraid I was rather harsh with her and sent her home with her suggestion completely refused. Two days later, her mother showed up on my doorstep. The woman was positively intimidating. She took one look at my home and condemned it. She said it would be a wonder if Ryan weren’t dead by winter.”
Devon clamped his teeth together in anger. He wanted to say something to counter the horrible insensitivity of the woman’s actions, but he knew there was nothing he could do.
“She finally left, but then Essie showed up the next day and the next day and the day after that. Ryan adored her because she spoiled and pampered him. I began to fear that he loved her more than me, and when I sent her from my home for the last time, I had to forcibly remove Ryan from her arms. He cried and cried, and Essie cried and declared it a sign that she should be his true mother. I told her to never come back, and I slammed the door on her. Three days later, the letter came announcing Father’s death. It seemed like an answer from God, and yet I would have never wished my father dead. I’d just about decided to beg him to let me return to Windridge anyway.”
“But, Jess, she can’t hurt you,” Devon said, hoping his words would comfort her. “She’s far enough away that she can’t just drop in on you and make you miserable again. And Kate would never tolerate anyone storming into Windridge and threatening yours and Ryan’s happiness. This Essie can’t hurt you anymore.”
Jessica said nothing for several moments. Then she shifted Ryan in her arms and looked at Devon with an expression of intense pain. “But you can.”
Devon felt the wind go out from him. “What?” he barely managed to ask.
“Ryan adores you. He seeks you out, and he’s drawn to you like flies to honey. I can’t ignore that. I can’t just look away and say it doesn’t exist. Neither can I find it in myself to deny him.”
“Why would you want to? You have nothing to fear from me. I’m completely devoted to the little guy. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him or you.”
“Maybe not willingly,” Jessica replied. She looked away, and Devon watched as she fixed her sight on the horizon where the house on Windridge was now coming into view.
Devon wanted to reassure her and thought for a moment about declaring his feelings for her, but it didn’t seem right. Somehow he feared she would just presume he’d made it all up to comfort her. Feeling at a loss as to what he could say, Devon said nothing at all. He looked heavenward for a moment, whispered a prayer for guidance, then fixed his sight on the road ahead. Somehow, someway, God would show him what he was to do about Jessica and Ryan.
Chapter 7
Driving cattle had always been a loathsome chore to Devon. He didn’t like the time spent with cantankerous animals on the dusty trail, and he certainly didn’t care for being away from Windridge. Especially now. Leaving Jessica wouldn’t be easy, and Devon tried to avoid thinking of how he would handle their good-bye.
The days passed too quickly to suit him, and before he knew it, Devon was giving instructions to the other four ranch hands, explaining how they would drive the cattle to Cottonwood Falls and from there board the train for Kansas City.
“I’ll only need you as far as Cottonwood. You all get two weeks to settle any other business you have.” He pointed to two of the cowhands. “Sam and Joe can take off after we get the livestock settled in the freight cars. Neil, you and Bob need to wait until the other two get back. Buck will handle the ranch until I return, which hopefully won’t be any longer than two, maybe three weeks.”
The men nodded, asked their questions, and waited for Devon to dismiss them to prepare for the drive. “We’ll head out in fifteen minutes or so. Be ready.”
The men moved off to collect their horses just as Buck ambled up. “Heard tell the Johnsons down Wichita way are working with a new breed,” Buck said as Devon finished packing his bags. “You could go down that way before coming back here. You know, check it out and see if it would work for us.”
“I suppose I could. But do you think that’s the direction we want to go?” Devon questioned, not liking the idea of delaying his return to Windridge.
Buck shrugged. “It’s just an idea. Heard they’re getting an extra twenty to fifty pounds on the hoof. You can suit yourself, though.”
“I’ll give it some consideration. Maybe I’ll find the same thing in Kansas City. Most folks in these parts are going to end up at the livestock yards there anyway. It just might work out I can get the information there.”
Buck nodded. “That sounds reasonable.”
Kate appeared just then, Ryan toddling behind her. “I brought you some sandwiches to take with you. I know you don’t have that long of a drive, but those animals can be mighty slow when they take it in their minds to be that way.”
“Thanks, Katie,” Devon said, taking the basket she’d packed. “If we don’t need them, I’ll take some of them to Kansas City.”
“Eat my sandwiches instead of Mr. Harvey’s fine railroad food?” Kate laughed. “I can’t imagine anyone making that trade.”
“Then you just don’t realize what a good cook you are,” Devon replied. About that time, Ryan wrapped his arms around Devon’s leg and started chattering.
“Horsy! Horsy!”
Devon laughed. He often gave the boy a ride on his knee, and it was clear Ryan wasn’t about to let him leave until he received his daily fun.
“Okay,” he said, reaching down to lift Ryan into the air. He swept the boy high, listening to his giggles, then circled him down low. Finally he stepped over t
o a bale of hay and sat down to put Ryan on his knee. “Now tighten those legs,” Devon instructed, squeezing Ryan’s legs around his own. “A good rider knows how to use his legs.”
“You keep an eye on him for a minute,” Buck called out. “I’m going to walk a spell with Katie and tell her good-bye properly.”
“Will do,” Devon called out, “but you won’t be gone for more than a few hours.”
Buck laughed. “To Kate, that’s an eternity.”
Devon, too, chuckled and returned his attention to Ryan. “You know, you’ll be a right fine rider one day. I’ll take you out on the trails and teach you all there is to know about raising cattle. You’ll know more than your ma or anyone else in these parts, ’cause I’m going to show you all the tricks.”
Ryan giggled and squealed with delight as Devon bounced him up and down on his leg. The boy had easily taken a huge chunk of Devon’s heart, while the other portion belonged to his mother. The only real problem was finding a way to tell her.
Devon had fully planned to discuss his feelings for Jessica before he left for Kansas City. But the opportunity never presented itself. Jessica had been overly busy under Kate’s instruction, and when she wasn’t working at quilting or sewing or any number of other things Kate deemed necessary to her ranch training, Jessica was busy with Ryan. She almost always retired early, not even giving Devon a chance to suggest a stroll on the ridge or a song or two on the porch. The only time she went into town was on Sunday, and that was usually with Buck and Kate at her side. Devon had no desire to make his confession of feelings a public issue. Even if Buck and Kate already presumed to know those feelings, Devon wanted to get Jessica’s reaction first.
“Well, Ryan, a fellow just never knows where he stands,” Devon muttered.
Ryan seemed to understand and chattered off several strange words, along with his repertoire of completely understandable speech. “More horsy! Mama horsy.”
Devon laughed. “I doubt Mama would appreciate the idea, Son.” The word son stuck in his throat. He wished he could call Ryan son. He thought of Jessica’s worries that he would steal Ryan’s affections, but in truth, Devon worried that Jessica would take Ryan from his life. He already cared too much about both of them, and the thought of losing either one was more than he wanted to contend with.
Lifting Ryan in his arms, Devon rubbed his fuzzy head. “You’ve got to grow some more hair, Boy. You don’t want to go through life bald.” Ryan reached out and pulled at Devon’s thick mustache. “Ah, a mustache man. Well, grow it there if you prefer,” Devon teased, “but the head would be better for now.”
He gently disentangled his mustache from Ryan’s pudgy fingers, then gave the boy a couple of gentle tosses into the air. Ryan squealed once again, and the expression on his chubby face was enough to satisfy Devon.
“You take good care of your mama while I’m gone,” Devon told him and hugged him close.
“Kate said you two were in here,” called Jessica.
Devon looked up, almost embarrassed to have been caught speaking of her. He wondered how long she’d been watching. She looked to have been there for some time, given her casual stance by the open door.
“We were just having a talk,” Devon said, putting Ryan down.
“Horsy, Mama,” Ryan said, toddling off to Jessica’s awaiting arms.
She lifted Ryan and held him close and all the while watched Devon. “Are you about ready to go?”
“Yup,” he said casually, taking down an extra coil of rope from the wall. “Everything’s set. We have to give ourselves enough time to make the train.”
Jessica nodded. “Well, I hope you won’t have any trouble finding everything we need.”
“I shouldn’t,” Devon replied, wishing they could get beyond the chitchat.
Ryan began squirming and calling for Devon. The boy had not yet mastered Devon’s name, so when he called out, it sounded very much like “Da da.”
“Unt Da da,” Ryan fussed, straining at Jessica’s hold. She put the boy down, not even attempting to fight Ryan’s choice.
The boy hurried back to Devon, inspected the rope for a moment, then raised his arms up and bobbed up and down as if to encourage Devon to lift him.
“It’s easy to see how much he loves you,” Jessica said, her voice low and filled with emotion.
“I love him too,” Devon said, wondering how she would react to this. “He’s a great little guy. It would be impossible not to love him.”
Jessica nodded. “I just hope you take that love seriously.”
“What do you mean?” Devon asked, wishing he could turn the conversation to thoughts of his feelings for Ryan’s mother.
Jessica stepped closer and studied Devon before answering. “I just ask one thing of you, Devon Carter. Don’t let Ryan get close to you unless you plan to be around to be his friend for a good long time. It’ll be too hard for him otherwise.”
At first, Devon wanted to reply with something flippant and teasing, but he could see in Jessica’s eyes that she was dead serious. His heart softened, and he gave her a weak smile.
“I plan to be around for a very long time. I wouldn’t dream of leaving Ryan without making sure he understood my reason for leaving. And since he’ll be too small to understand much along those lines and will be for a good many years, I guess you’ll both just be stuck with me.”
“Just so you understand.”
He rubbed the boy’s head, kissed him lightly, and put him back on the ground. “I intend to always be here for Ryan,” Devon stated firmly. He looked deep into Jessica’s dark eyes—knowing the longing reflected there. He wanted more than anything to add that he would also be there for Jessica, but he could already hear Buck calling everyone to mount up.
“Guess you’d better go,” Jessica whispered.
Devon took a step toward her, then stopped. There wasn’t enough time to say what he wanted—needed—to say. “I suppose so,” he finally murmured.
“You’ve got the list?” she questioned.
He nodded, almost afraid to say anything more.
“And you will be careful?”
Her voice was edged with concern, and Devon longed to put her worried mind at ease. He remembered that moment months ago when he’d held her while she cried. “It’s a piece of cake,” he replied. “The hard part is getting the critters to Cottonwood. After that, there’s nothing to it but haggling the money.” He grinned, hoping to put her at ease.
“I’ve heard about folks killed in stampedes,” she countered. “And Kate says we’re coming up to time for a tornado or two.”
“We’ll be careful,” he promised, realizing that whether she spoke it in words or not, she cared about his well-being.
“You coming?” Buck asked as he poked his head into the doorway.
Devon caught his mischievous expression and sighed. “I’m coming.”
❧
Jessica had the distinct impression that had Buck not interfered, Devon might have said something very important. She sensed his desire to tell her something, but no matter how long she stood there in silence, he seemed unable to spit out the words. Of course she did no better. She had hoped to say that her concerns for Ryan were based on concerns she also felt for herself. She knew she was coming to depend too much on Devon. She also knew that she’d lost her heart to him, and that for the first and only time in her life, she was in love.
With this thought still weighing heavily on her heart, Jessica followed Devon from the barn, calling to Ryan as she moved back to the house. She picked the boy up and told him to wave good-bye to Devon.
“Unta go,” Ryan began to whine. “Me go too.”
“No, Ryan,” Jessica said. “You have to stay here. We can’t go this time.”
Ryan continued to fuss, and Katie tried to still him with
a cookie that she kept in her apron pocket for just such occasions. Ryan contented himself with the treat, while Jessica found no such consolation.
I should have told him how I felt, she thought. But her feelings were so foreign and new to her that she wasn’t sure what she would have said to him.
“I should be back by the end of November,” Devon called to them, bringing his horse to a halt just beyond the porch. “Don’t worry though if I’m later than that. It may take some time to secure the freighters and collect all the things you ladies have deemed necessary to running a good resort.”
“Do you have the money?” Jessica asked.
“I’ll pick up most of it in Cottonwood Falls. I have the deed papers for Joe Riley’s piece of land, and that will allow me to take his money for the land and add to what we have in the bank.” He glanced over his shoulder and saw that Buck was already positioning the ranch hands in preparation for moving the cattle from the corrals. “I’d best get over there and do my job.” He turned the horse and started to leave.
“Devon!” Jessica called out. She knew her voice sounded desperate, but she couldn’t help it.
He stopped, looked at her quite seriously, then grinned. “What?”
Jessica swallowed hard and tried to think of something neutral to say. “I’ll be praying for you,” she finally managed.
Devon’s grin broadened. “Thanks. With that bunch,” he said, motioning over his shoulder, “I’ll need it.” He took off before either Kate or Jessica could say another word.
“Wonder whether he means the men or the steers?” Kate teased.
“Probably both.”
Jessica brushed cookie crumbs from Ryan’s face and headed to the front door when Kate called out, “Looks like we have company.”
Turning, Jessica could see the faint image of a black carriage making its way up the Windridge road. “Who could that be?”
Kate shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ll go put some tea on and set out some more cookies. It’s been so long since anyone’s come calling at Windridge, I might not even be able to find a serving plate.”
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