Big Girls Do Cry

by Carl Weber

  Oh, boy, here we go. I hated Leon’s homophobia.

  “I like him because he’s my friend, Leon,” I stated flatly. “And if you think he’s so much of a sissy, why don’t you tell him that to his face?”

  “You know me, baby. I’m a lover, not a fighter,” he said with this stupid smile on his face.

  That black eye I had last week says different. “You’re not funny, Leon.”

  Leon frowned at me. “You act as if you like him more than you do me.”

  “Damn right, sometimes I do. Jerome’s like a brother to me. When your ass isn’t around, he’s always there for me. I love you, Leon, but sometimes I don’t like you.”

  “Look, I apologize. I didn’t come home to fight. I came home to be with my wife.”

  That made me feel a little better, but I was still not convinced he was being sincere.

  “So, why did you come home, Leon? I thought you were leaving for good.”

  “This is my house, and you’re my wife. I just needed a few days to cool off.” He smiled and sipped on his drink. He even had the nerve to look sexy. “Plus, I got a call from Rashad. He congratulated me on being fully vested in his hedge fund. No need to fight if I got what I wanted.”

  “True,” I replied. To be honest, that’s the way I saw it too. That’s why I gave Rashad the money. I loved my husband enough to let him win this one.

  “He said you dropped off a cashier’s check.”

  “Yeah, I did.”

  “I’m a little confused. You said you couldn’t afford to give me my interest in your company.”

  It’s our company. Why can’t he see that? We’re supposed to be a team.

  “What I couldn’t afford was losing my husband. I went to the bank and got a loan.” I could tell he was shocked. I just hoped he was grateful, because I’d put our financial future on the line to keep our marriage intact.

  “Thank you, baby. This is gonna be big. You’ll see.”

  “I hope so, Leon. That’s a lot of money to give to one person. Every financial person I know warned me against it.” If I hadn’t already made money with Rashad—with a much smaller initial investment, mind you—I probably wouldn’t have done it.

  “It will be. So, where have you and your friend been?” Interesting, now that he felt he’d won our fight, Leon refrained from taking jabs at my gay friend.

  “We were just out for a few drinks.”

  He finished off his drink with a laugh. “Oh, and here I am thinking you was out with the fat girls book club.”

  “No, the Big Girls Book Club,” I replied, hating that lately he had to put down everything and everyone I was associated with.

  “And you are a big girl, aren’t you? My big girl!” He smiled sincerely, standing up. Everything he had said up to now had sounded derogatory, but now his voice had a seductive tone to it. So did the way he approached me. “You are still my big girl, aren’t you?”

  I didn’t answer, but I did remember why I missed him and wanted him home so bad. I loved Leon. I loved him to death. He was smart, funny, and a great husband—when he wasn’t consumed with self-pity and doubt.

  I took in his handsome six-foot-five frame. Leon was as fine a forty-five-year-old man as you’re going to find. He was tall, chocolate, and slim. There was a little gray around the temples, but when he entered a room, women paid attention.

  In the beginning, I found it hard to believe that a man as successful and as handsome as he was could be so attracted to a big-boned sister like me, but he was. I learned shortly after we started dating that Leon had always been a chubby chaser. I didn’t have anything to worry about when it came to the Tyra Banks and Beyoncé types, but if Mo’Nique or that woman who plays the mother on Tyler Perry’s House of Payne ever came around, I was taking my husband and heading for the hills.

  He winked at me as he came closer, undressing me with his eyes while taking in my full-figured curves. He had a way of making me feel like I was absolutely the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.

  “I missed you, baby.” He stepped closer, sliding his arms around my waist. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to call you out your name. I was just frustrated. I didn’t mean to lose—”

  I placed my hand over his lips. “It’s okay. You’re just going through a hard time.”

  He lowered his head until his lips covered mine.

  I almost submitted to his advances, but I caught myself in time. “Stop, baby. We need to talk.”

  I gently pushed him away. I didn’t want to fight about money anymore, but we still had some unfinished business to discuss. I wanted to talk to Leon about his leaving. Would he promise to never hit me again? Was he back to stay? Most of all, where had he been for the past few days?

  Suddenly Leon reached down and cupped my breasts in his hands. It was a soft, feathery motion, which slowly built momentum, but there was an expert manipulation of my nipples. He knew my spot. Although I still wore my suit, I could feel the heat starting to rise inside me from his touch. He began kissing my neck, and my knees gave way.

  Every woman has her own special erogenous spot, the one that can take her from an ice princess to a sultry tigress in a nanosecond. Well, Leon knew mine after five years of marriage. All resolve melted when his hand found its way under my blouse and made direct contact with my breast. I felt myself ready to spread my wings. Besides, it had been a while since we’d made love.

  “Stop,” I moaned, but I felt my back arch, my arms roping around his neck as he kneaded my nipples. His lips worked their way up my neck to my lips. I opened my mouth and took in his tongue. “No, Leon. Not now,” I murmured. My mouth said no, but my body screamed yes.

  “You know you want it,” he whispered. I didn’t answer with words but guided his head back to my neck. He worked his way up and down my neck, opening another button of my blouse with each succulent kiss. Next thing I knew, he’d gently pushed me down on the sofa. My blouse was fully open now, with both his hands kneading my exposed breasts. He wasted no time bringing his lips to my nipples, sucking them like a newborn babe. I’d never felt such heat, such animal passion with Leon. It was like he was a totally different man. If it were possible, I would say this was the best our sex had ever been.

  His skin against mine felt like fire. His fingertips were touching hidden crevices he’d never touched before. I have no idea how or when our clothes came off, but somehow they did. When Leon mounted me, my body was ready and begging to be satisfied. I don’t think I’d ever been that horny in my entire life.

  With all that being said, I was afraid things were not going to end up as planned. You see, Leon, who was a very well-endowed man, had run into some major stamina problems the last few years. It was a secret I’d kept even from Jerome, because the last thing I wanted was for anyone to think my husband was less than a man in the bedroom. The frustrating part was that Leon was such an egomaniac in the bedroom that he didn’t have a clue. Things were so bad in my sex life that I hadn’t had an orgasm in almost six months, and I’d given myself that one; however, I was determined to get mine tonight.

  “Slow, Leon. Take it slow,” I pleaded.

  “Girl, I know what I’m doing. You know you like that shit hard and fast,” he said as he entered me like a bull. I tried to hold his hips to slow him down. I was so sexually charged that I would need only a few minutes to reach my climax. All I had to do was get him to hold off a little while longer and we’d both be happy. Hell, I’d be elated.

  He was doing great for the first minute or so. I honestly thought this was going to be it. He was actually going to make me come. I was so pleased that I whispered encouragement in his ear. “That’s it, Leon. You’re gonna make me—” Just when I was about to reach my climax, he stiffened his back and collapsed on top of me.

  No, no! I screamed inside. You’re almost there. Just move your hips a few more times.

  But it never happened, which was not good at all, because when Leon was finished, he was done, end of conversation. I
hated it, but he’d been that way since we first started dating.

  I bit down on the inside of my lip. It took me a few seconds to get over my disappointment. One side of me was glad that he came so fast, because it made me certain he hadn’t been with another woman after our fight, but the other side felt cheated. I wanted to come too. He’d gotten me all hot and bothered, but for what? Nothing!

  We were lying on the living room floor, clothes strewn all over the place. I could hear Leon’s ragged breathing piercing my ear. Another few minutes and he’d be asleep.

  Finally I made a move. “Leon.” I shook him, hoping he could recharge and we could go for round two. Instead, Leon lifted his shoulders and looked down at me. “Whew! Girl, girl, girl. That was good, wasn’t it? I told you that you liked it hard and fast.”

  Good? Was he crazy? Hell no, it wasn’t good. I was just getting started. I wanted to jump all over Leon’s selfish ass, but I didn’t want to risk our tenuous reunion and send him back out into the streets.

  So I did something I was getting good at. I pretended I’d had an orgasm.

  “Yeah, babe. That was great.” I tried to look satisfied. “Why don’t we do it again?” Couldn’t hurt to ask. Maybe I’d get lucky. The second round always seemed to last longer than the first. At least, that’s what I remembered.

  “Nah, if I give you too much, you’ll get spoiled.” Leon gave me this silly grin as he eased off my body and picked up his clothes. He slapped my thick buttocks as he headed toward the stairs. “I’ll see you upstairs. I’m going to take a shower.”

  As I lay there, listening to the shower running upstairs, I thought about what it would be like to be with someone other than Leon. Then I snapped out of my fantasy and thought, When the hell would I have time to meet another man when I’m always busy working?

  Egypt

  8

  It had been more than a month since Tammy and I went out to dinner. She still hadn’t given me a definite answer as to whether she would be a surrogate for me and Rashad. Every time we talked, she’d give me the runaround, telling me not to worry and that she and Tim were still mulling over the idea. I wouldn’t admit it to Rashad, but I was starting to think the answer was going to be no—that is, until two days ago, when she and Tim asked us to come to New York for the weekend. My guess was that they were planning on telling us that we were going to be parents. At least, that was my hope. I couldn’t think of any other reason Tammy would ask me to visit. I knew my best friend pretty well, and she was a coward for the most part. If she had bad news, she would tell us over the phone, not face-to-face.

  So, there we were on a plane to New York. I was so excited I could hardly sit still through the hour-long flight. Rashad, on the other hand, was stone-faced and quiet. He barely moved during the entire trip. Ever since I’d told him of Tammy and Tim’s request for us to come to New York, he’d taken a wait-and-see approach. Rashad was always the levelheaded one between us, but I knew my husband, and he was excited inside.

  “You okay?” I asked when we landed. Rashad was usually the first person out of his seat belt, grabbing our bags so we could get off the plane. But this time he just sat there waiting patiently with his seat belt fastened as other passengers disembarked. “You haven’t said more than a few words since we took off.”

  He patted my knee and gave me a little smile. “I’m fine. Just thinking, that’s all.”

  “Thinking about the baby?”

  He nodded. “That and what to say to Tim.”

  I gave him a puzzled look. “I don’t understand.”

  Rashad put his hand over mine. “Maybe it’s a guy thing, but what do you say to a man who lets his wife have your baby?” His voice cracked, like he was trying to hold back powerful emotions. “I don’t know how I’m going to repay him.”

  “Neither do I, sweetheart. Neither do I.” I leaned my head against his shoulder.

  We didn’t say much as we walked hand in hand from the gate to the luggage claim area and then to the rental car kiosk. From the airport, it took us only fifteen minutes to drive over to Tammy and Tim’s Jamaica Estates home.

  Surprisingly, things weren’t as tense as I expected when we arrived at Tammy’s house. We were greeted with warm hugs and kisses. I was almost beside myself with anticipation. It took all my strength and self-control not to cut to the purpose of our visit and ask them for their decision right then and there, in the middle of the foyer.

  As I walked through the house, I noticed that Tammy had redecorated quite a bit. She, with her sneaky self, had stolen my color scheme and even decorated her foyer like mine, using a grandfather clock and a chandelier. Nevertheless, I was so wound up about getting our baby that I decided to forgive Tammy and her pettiness. I was going to have to deal with a lot worse from her during a pregnancy, so I might as well get used to it now.

  Finally, we were seated around the living room of their five-bedroom home. Once everyone was settled down with a drink, that tension I’d been expecting took over the room. It seemed like nobody wanted to speak. We were all staring at each other like a bunch of fools, each waiting for the other couple to speak.

  Finally, I just blurted out, “So, Tim, Tammy, what did you guys decide? Am I going to be a mommy or what?” I crossed my fingers, rocking back and forth in my seat. I didn’t think they were going to say no, but I was nervous as hell. Rashad took my hand in his to calm me down.

  Tim coughed against his fist, then cleared his throat. “Egypt, I know you and Tammy are good friends….”

  “Yeah, and?” I didn’t mean to interrupt Tim, but I couldn’t help myself. He was taking too long.

  “Calm down, baby,” Rashad said under his breath. “Let the man speak.”

  “Thank you, Rashad.” He cleared his throat again. “As you know, this wasn’t a small request. We had to give it a lot of thought and consideration. We’ve even prayed about it.”

  Tim was beginning to get on my nerves. We didn’t need all this buildup—just get to the damn point. “Come on, cut to the chase. Are you going to let Tammy be our surrogate or what?”

  Tim heaved a deep sigh. His words came out in a rush. “No, Egypt. I’m sorry, but we can’t do it.”

  “Huh?” I turned to Tammy. She wouldn’t look at me. This had to be some kind of damn joke. “This isn’t funny, Tammy.”

  “We’re not laughing, Egypt,” Tim answered for her. “We know how bad you want a baby. We just can’t help you.”

  “Why not?” My eyes filled with tears, but I bit my lip and held back my pain.

  “Well, Tammy is thirty-eight, and carrying a full-term pregnancy at her age could be a health risk. Plus, she’s overweight.” Tim was enumerating his points with his fingers, as if he had practiced this little spiel. “If she carries a baby, it could push her into diabetes. We’ve got Michael and Lisa to think about as well. My children deserve to have a mother while they’re growing up. People still die in childbirth in this country, you know.”

  “Tammy won’t die,” I assured Tim. “And she’s been overweight since you met her. And we’re willing to pay for her to have the best doctors.” I knew I was babbling, but I couldn’t help myself. I had been so sure they were going to say yes, and now that Tim was refusing, I felt like someone had let me unwrap a beautiful gift and then taken it back. “She could go on bed rest the entire pregnancy.”

  Tim’s voice was firm. “No, we’ve thought about it. Tammy—I mean, we—can’t afford to lose a year of our lives. I’m sorry, but we have to put our own family first.”

  I turned back to Tammy, appealing to her. “I know this is a lot to ask, and I wouldn’t ask you for this if I wasn’t desperate, but I just want a baby of my own.”

  “I know, Egypt, but I haven’t lost my weight from my last baby.” Tammy, wringing her hands, had tears in her eyes.

  I felt if I could just get through to her, she could convince Tim to go along with our plan. “You know I would do anything for you, and I have.” I gave her a pointed look,
since Rashad didn’t know about the threesome I had had with Tim for Tammy.

  Tammy continued, “Tim’s right, Egypt. Having a baby would be like losing a year out of our lives. I’m sorry, but I just can’t do it.”

  Rashad stood up, his back ramrod straight. “Come on, honey. Let’s go. Tim, Tammy, we thank you for your time.” He was polite but obviously pissed. I rarely saw this side of his personality.

  “Why can’t you guys stay for dinner?” Tim asked. “Tammy made those beef ribs you like so much, Rashad.”

  “No, thank you.” Rashad kept his eyes straight ahead.

  I turned to Tammy one last time. “Tammy, please. I’d do it for you.”

  She didn’t answer. She just looked down at the floor with her eyes full of tears. I now had my final answer. I wanted to throw myself at Tammy’s feet and beg her to have our baby, but instead, I got up and followed my husband to the front door, sobbing softly.

  “Stop crying, baby,” Rashad said, putting his arm around me as I got into the car. “If it costs every cent I have, we’ll find someone to have our baby.”

  Tammy followed us outside, crying too. “Don’t be like that, Egypt. We’re still friends. Don’t take it personally. I would do it if I could.”

  “What are you trying to say, that this is Tim’s decision, not yours?” I turned to Rashad, who was now sitting in the driver’s seat. He just shook his head as if he could read my mind. “Tammy, I’ve known you long enough to know that if you wanted to do this, Tim couldn’t stop you. No, this was totally you. Tim’s just backing you up.”

  “Egypt, I can’t.”

  I put my hand up. “Don’t, okay? Just leave it alone.”

  “Listen, why don’t you ask Isis to do it? She’s your sister, and the baby would be more than half yours. It would have your bloodline too.”

  “Don’t try to push this off on my sister. You’re the one who’s supposed to be my best friend. But I guess it’s pretty obvious how lopsided our friendship really is.” I tapped my husband’s leg so he could get me as far away from her as possible. I dreaded the flight home. Unlike the trip to New York, where I was full of anticipation, I was returning home with my hopes shattered.