Big Girls Do Cry

by Carl Weber

  “That’s bull! We were right up the block at my other friend’s house.” I said it with confidence, but now that I thought about it, Isis was pestering us about what time we were going to be home and telling us to stay out as long as we wanted to. Plus she was singing the whole ride home. I’d never admit it to Rashad, but it was possible they got together that night. That still didn’t mean Little Rashad was Tony’s baby.

  “Your sister has never lied to me.” He glanced over at my mother, who sucked her teeth; then he looked back at me. “Now, maybe like your mother says, I don’t ask the right questions. Nevertheless, she’s never lied to me, and I believe what she says.”

  “Daddy! You believe her over me?”

  “No, but she made a very convincing point, one that I brought up to your mother last night and she dismissed.”

  “What’s that?”

  “That boy’s eyes look like they were plucked right out of Tony’s head.”

  “That don’t mean a damn thing. Rashad’s grandmother had green eyes.”

  “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m just calling it as I see it. If you guys don’t believe her, she said she’d give you a blood test.”

  Rashad had just hung up his cell phone. “I don’t want no goddamn DNA test. I want my son. Call that bitch back and tell her to bring me my son.”

  My father stood up and got in Rashad’s face quick. “That’s my daughter you’re talking about, and I ain’t raised no bitch! Now, sit your ass down. I got a few things to say to you.”

  Rashad did as he was told. I didn’t have a good feeling about this at all.

  “For three years I held my tongue when it came to you.”

  “Bobby, don’t—”

  He cut his eyes at my mother. “Stay out of this, Karen. You know this conversation’s been a long time coming.”

  He turned his attention back to Rashad. “First of all, don’t act like you’re all innocent in all this. You either, Egypt.”

  I sat back in my chair. How the heck did I get in this? Rashad was the one who called her a bitch.

  “You been screwing my daughters for fifteen years now. You was going with Isis, gave her a cheap-ass ring to keep her from finding a decent man for five years, then moved down to Atlanta without her.”

  “Hold on,” Rashad protested. “I asked her to come with me.”

  “Yeah, but she stayed put because you wouldn’t marry her. I wouldn’t have moved down there with you either. Why should she give up her life if you didn’t want to commit?”

  Rashad kind of huffed and rolled his eyes. Where the hell was my father going with this? I thought all this was water under the bridge a long time ago.

  “Then you come back to New York and have some epiphany that she’s the one thing missing in your life. And you’re probably right, only Tony’s standing in your way. So you two duke it out for her affection like a bunch of goddamn imbeciles. Messed up part for you is that you get your ass beat.”

  Rashad was squirming around in his chair. I know he didn’t like what Daddy was saying. I didn’t like it either, but I wasn’t about to protest and put myself in the line of fire. At least not yet.

  “Now, this is the part that I’m in the dark about: What the hell made you think that sleeping with her sister was the right thing to do? You get dumped by one daughter, then decide to screw the other. You’re lucky my wife stopped me, because I was gonna beat your ass myself.”

  Rashad glanced at me. I knew he wanted to say something, but I was so glad he was holding his tongue. One wrong word could make this whole thing even worse.

  “Oh, and don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying Egypt was in the right on this either.” He looked at me, and I knew it was my turn to get blasted. “Screwing your sister’s ex-fiancé is about as trifling as a woman can get.”

  While I sat there stunned, he turned back to Rashad.

  “I ain’t got no choice when it comes to Egypt. She’s my child, and I got to love her. But what made you think I’d be cool with you sitting at my dinner table with one daughter after I know you were screwing her sister for ten years? Did you think I’d be cool with that? ‘Cause, for the record, I’ve never been cool with it. I just love my children.”

  His words were like an arrow through the heart. I never even knew Daddy had an opinion about my relationship with Rashad. And I definitely didn’t know he disapproved. It appears he just didn’t want to rock the boat.

  I made a weak attempt to stop him. “Daddy, we’ve been through all this. Isis has told me plenty of times that she’s over Rashad. Why don’t we figure out how to get the baby back?”

  He cut his eyes at me. “Can’t you see I’m having a man-toman conversation with your husband?”

  Yeah, but you’re the only one talking.

  I glanced at my mother for help, but she shook her head in warning, which told me this was something that had been weighing heavily on my father’s mind for quite some time.

  “You see, it’s not that I dislike you, Rashad. You’ve been a decent son-in-law, and you take care of Egypt real good. Truth is, I was almost past all this until I found out you had the audacity to ask Isis to have your child.”

  “I didn’t ask her. Egypt did. I didn’t know anything about it until I got home that night.”

  That’s it, baby. Throw me under the bus.

  My father let out a derisive laugh. “Is that when they took you dragging and screaming down to the fertility clinic so you could give sperm to inseminate her?” He shook his head. “Do you have any idea why Isis agreed to have your baby?”

  Rashad hesitated long enough that it made me feel uncomfortable. Something was running through his mind, and I had no idea what it was. When he answered my father, he sure didn’t sound confident. “The money?”

  “Don’t insult me, okay. I know my daughter, and she did it because she loves you. In her mind, having your baby was like having a piece of you that her sister could never have.”

  None of us said anything, probably because if we were being honest with ourselves, we were all in agreement on that point.

  Rashad tried to get a word in. “But none of that matters now. What matters is she signed those papers, and then she took my son.”

  Daddy looked like he wanted to punch him.

  “What if he’s not your son? What if by the slightest chance he’s Tony’s? What you gonna do then?”

  “You don’t want us to fight for our son, Daddy?”

  “I never said I didn’t want you to fight. What I want you to do is what’s right. Your sister said she’d give you guys a blood test. I’ll make sure she does. If Rashad’s the father, you guys split custody. If Tony’s the father, you leave your sister be.”

  “What about the money she took from us?” I asked.

  The look he gave me told me he thought I was being petty. “You’ll get your money back.”

  I turned to Rashad. “What do you think, baby?”

  Of course, he didn’t look happy, but I think he knew that this was the only choice we had at this point. There was almost no chance Isis would talk to either one of us. It would take us who knows how much money to fight this in court, and even then, we might need private investigators just to find Isis. Daddy was the only hope of staying in touch with her and working this whole thing out, which meant we had to play it by his rules.

  “I want your father there when they take his blood,” Rashad said.

  “I can do that.”

  “And we use a facility that my lawyer agrees to.” He looked my father straight in the eye. “For the record, I never intended to fall in love with Egypt. Truth is, I tried to avoid it, but you never know who you’re going to fall in love with. So, I respect what you said; I just want you to respect that she’s my wife.”

  My father nodded his understanding, and I felt the tension in the room lift ever so slightly.

  “Oh, and as far as my son goes, if I find out he has one drop of my blood, I’m fighting for full custody. I don’t care what
you or anyone else says.”

  Loraine

  51

  I cried so hard last night I could barely sleep, and when I did finally doze off, I had horrible nightmares. I kept asking myself over and over again why Jerome would do something like that to me. Sure, he gave me that cockamamie story about how Leon was no good for me and that he was doing it for my own good. Who the hell was he supposed to be anyway, my father? What hurt the most was that up until the moment I heard him admit it, I still had faith in him. I honestly believed he was going to have some type of explanation, or at the very least an immediate denial. A part of me still couldn’t believe he hadn’t attempted to lie. I’m sure some would say at least he kept it real and didn’t deny it, but to me, the lies he’d told had already done all the damage, and this one might have saved me a little heartache.

  When I woke up, I realized I needed to get away. The absolute last place I wanted to be was at work. I was an emotional wreck, and there was no way I could walk past Jerome’s empty desk all day without breaking down at some point. I had a lot of things to work out in my head, including who was going to take over Jerome’s position as my right-hand man. Even more importantly, what was I going to do with the two men in my life? I loved each one very much in his own special way.

  I got dressed and called into my office to tell Hannah I’d be taking a week or two off for some personal business. I’m sure she thought I was going somewhere exotic with Michael. I told her to pack up Jerome’s belongings, because he was no longer working with us. She asked what happened, but I just told her Jerome no longer worked for our agency … period. No way was I telling her my personal business. I liked Hannah, but she was the biggest gossip in the office, and my life was disastrous enough already without the added trouble of everyone in the office whispering about it behind my back.

  To start off my little soul-searching adventure, I decided to ride down to Virginia Beach and get a room by the water so I could sort out my feelings. When I was younger, I used to take long walks along the beach whenever I broke up with a boyfriend or had a problem. Usually, by the time I’d gotten home, I’d have everything kind of worked out in my head. I knew it wasn’t going to be quite that easy this time, but by the end of the week, I hoped to have a little clarity in my life.

  I drove down I-64 with the top down on my convertible and the wind blowing in my hair. For the moment, I felt like I had peace.

  The open road was a nice distraction, but that’s all it was. It didn’t solve any of my problems. I was still in love with two men, and one of them, Michael, had been blowing up my phone all morning. I wasn’t sure if he’d spoken to Jerome or if he’d called the office and Hannah had mentioned that I was taking some time off, but he obviously knew something was wrong, because he was calling every five minutes. I didn’t want to answer the phone; I didn’t know what to say.

  After I checked into the Hyatt Hotel, I went to my room, shut off my phone, and went to sleep. I was mentally and physically exhausted from the drive, lack of sleep, and the entire ordeal.

  The next morning, I went for a long walk down the beach to look for answers. I was glad that the beach was empty. I wanted to be alone. I took off my sandals and let the sand ooze between my toes. I breathed in the smell of the ocean. Just the feel of the morning sun warming my back was comforting. Every so often, I would scoop the sand and pick up flat stones, then skip them over the water. To amuse myself, I ran away as the tide came in, then trudged back into the wet sand after the waves receded, like a child.

  I stayed at the edge of the water, which was how my life felt. I was at the edge, both mentally and spiritually. Should I take the plunge, or should I step back? Lord, what should I do?

  My cell phone chimed, letting me know I had a text message. I already knew who it was; the only person who sent me text messages was Michael. I missed him so much. Not just in a physical way, but as a companion. The two of us had so much fun together.

  I read the text Michael sent: PLEASE CALL ME. I’M WORRIED ABOUT U. I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON BUT WE CAN WORK THROUGH ANYTHING. I LOVE U.

  I texted back: I’M OK. JUST NEED SOME TIME TO THINK. I LOVE

  YOU TOO.

  I don’t think Jerome had any idea just how much he’d screwed up my life. Because of his lies, I was stuck in the middle of a love triangle I didn’t create. I still couldn’t believe I’d gone to a lawyer to divorce Leon. Signed papers too. Thank God I was able to stop them before they could serve Leon with the papers. So I was still married, but who knew if my marriage was even salvageable after everything that had happened during the past few months.

  And then there was Michael. The most wonderful, yet tragic thing that had happened since kicking Leon out was that I’d let my guard down. I’d fallen in love with Michael. I’d fallen hard too. I thought I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him.

  But now I just didn’t know. I asked myself over and over again, was it fair to walk away from Leon, now that I found out he’d been telling the truth all along? We didn’t have the greatest marriage, but it was okay, and we were working on it, trying to make it better. Truth is, if I hadn’t found those panties and Tina hadn’t shown up at my door, I never would have given Michael the time of day romantically. Why, when he was so fine and had everything going for him? Because I was loyal like that to my husband. I only let Michael in because I thought Leon had betrayed me.

  After about two hours of walking, I was tired, but I felt a cloud had lifted off my shoulders. My answers had come to me at the ocean. By the time I returned to my hotel room, I knew what I had to do. I took out my cell phone and dialed Michael’s number.

  He answered after two rings. “Hey, where are you? I’ve been worried sick about you.”

  “I’m okay. Like I said in my text, I’m just trying to work through a few things.”

  “Yeah, but I haven’t seen you in a week.”

  “I know, and I think it’s going to be a little longer.”

  I heard him sigh on his end of the phone, but he said nothing. I stayed quiet too. There was nothing I could say that would make this any easier.

  “Can I ask you a question?” he finally said.

  “Mmm-hmm.”

  “Are you somewhere with Leon?”

  “No, I haven’t seen Leon in weeks.”

  “Thank God. I was starting to think you two were back together.”

  I didn’t comment. I just went on to another subject. “Michael, do you believe in soul mates?”

  “Yeah, I think you’re my soul mate. I can’t stop thinking about you. I feel like I’ve waited for you my entire life.”

  He made me smile, but I was still sad because of the terrible situation I’d put this sweet, wonderful man in.

  “Was it worth the wait?” I asked.

  “Hell yeah. You’re great. I love you.”

  How could I give this man up?

  “I know you love me, but what if I told you that you had to wait a little longer to be with me?”

  There was silence for a while, and then he asked, “Loraine, are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

  Now was the moment I had been dreading. I had to tell Michael the whole truth. “Remember I told you I kicked my husband out because he was cheating?”

  “Yeah, he was messing around on you for like five years, wasn’t he?”

  “Well, not exactly. I recently found out my husband wasn’t cheating.”

  Michael got quiet.

  “Michael, you still there?”

  “Yeah, I’m still here. I’m a little confused, but I’m here.”

  “I know. I’m sorry. I never wanted things to be like this.” I went on to explain to him everything I’d learned, from the moment Peter approached me at the bar to the confrontation with Jerome that confirmed the truth.

  “So, if he wasn’t cheating, where does that leave us? What does it mean?”

  “Michael, this is really hard for me. I’m trying to do the right thing here.” I was
so nervous that I was pacing back and forth as I talked to him.

  “You’re breaking up with me, aren’t you?”

  “I want to be fair.”

  “Fair to who, him?” he shouted for the first time.

  “He didn’t do anything wrong, Michael. Don’t you understand?”

  “Well, neither did I, Loraine.”

  “I know that. But he’s my husband. I took an oath in front of God to love him for better or for worse. I have to give him a chance.”

  “But I’m in love with you.” The pleading in his voice broke my heart. I wished I could reach out and hold him, make everything all right.

  “I’m in love with you too. I just can’t be with you right now.”

  “Loraine, I’ve loved you since I was a young boy, and I’ve never gotten over you. No woman has been able to touch you. Now, here I finally think I’ve got a shot at happiness, and you tell me this?”

  “Just trust me, Michael. What’s meant to be will be. Just let me work this thing out. I want you to know that no one has ever made me as happy as you have these past few months.”

  “If you’re going to break up with me, at least do it face-to-face.”

  “I can’t do that.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because if I see you, I won’t be able to let you go, and this is hard enough as it is.”

  “Don’t do this. Please don’t do this.”

  “You take care of yourself. Always remember I love you.” I hung up without saying good-bye, because I couldn’t stand to say those two little words. They were so permanent. I hurt so badly; I felt like my heart would burst.

  I lay down on the bed and stared into space for the longest time. Eventually, I turned on the TV to drown out my own thoughts, and I finally fell asleep.

  After my nap, I ordered room service, then took another walk on the beach. I felt the need to gather myself before I made my next phone call.

  Leon answered on the first ring. “Hello? Loraine, are you all right?” He sounded surprised, probably because I hadn’t been accepting his calls for the past few weeks.

  “Yeah, everything’s fine. I was just sitting here kind of thinking about us.”