Angel's Share

by Kayte Nunn

  Cara let him in, and then tactfully made herself scarce. Mattie looked up at him from her position on the sofa. ‘Hello, stranger,’ she said warily.

  ‘Hey, Mattie.’ He sounded guarded. Not like the Johnny she thought she’d known. He leaned down to kiss her, landing it awkwardly between her mouth and her unblemished cheek, as if he hadn’t been able to decide which to aim for. ‘Your face looks better.’

  The bruise around her eye was almost gone, and Mattie’s swollen mouth had returned to its normal size too, though it still felt sore when she ate. The cut was still a vicious slash across her cheek.

  ‘I suppose it does.’ With a sinking feeling, she knew why he’d come. Nothing like a catastrophic accident to separate the men from the boys, she thought wretchedly, steeling herself for what he was about to say. From being initially overjoyed that Johnny had survived and was fine, her feelings had turned, curdling like milk left too long out of the fridge. ‘How are you doing?’ she asked, delaying the inevitable.

  ‘Me?’ He looked surprised. ‘Oh, fine now, thanks. Nothing that a few days’ rest couldn’t sort out.’ He looked sheepish and rattled the change in his pocket. He perched on the far end of the sofa, as if he knew he wouldn’t be staying long. ‘Mattie, I do feel bad that you got so terribly hurt. I know I’m partly to blame.’

  Mattie was suddenly furious. ‘Partly to blame?’ She looked at him as if she’d never really seen him clearly before. ‘We would never have skied out of bounds if you hadn’t insisted on it!’

  ‘Oh come on! I suggested it. And you were more than happy to follow me.’

  ‘Johnny.’ Her voice was icy. ‘You were the experienced skier, the expert. You should have known better.’

  ‘So you do blame me.’

  ‘Actually, if you want to know, I do,’ she said angrily, knowing she was being irrational – unfair even – but unable to stop herself lashing out.

  ‘I wasn’t exactly twisting your arm, you know.’

  ‘You just don’t get it, do you?’ At that moment she wondered what it was she’d ever seen in him. ‘You could have been there for me – afterwards.’

  He shifted uncomfortably. ‘Look, Mats,’ he said. ‘Things just aren’t the same, are they? Something got lost while we were in Switzerland —’

  ‘No kidding!’ she interrupted. ‘How about my whole life? I don’t know if I’m even going to have a job to go back to once I’m better. And it’s not as if you’ve been exactly supportive. You know, like a boyfriend is supposed to be. I’ve barely seen you since the accident.’

  ‘Can I finish?’

  She glared at him but remained silent.

  ‘I’ve tried to get it back, the way I used to feel about you, about us, but it’s just not there any more.’

  ‘Why not?’ she asked, wanting to make him squirm.

  ‘I just don’t see you in the same way.’

  ‘What, because of this?’ she pointed to the scar on her cheek.

  He had the grace to look shame-faced. ‘I’m sorry, Mattie, but I just can’t go on pretending everything is back to normal. It’s not fair to you. You deserve much better than this.’ He shifted awkwardly on the sofa. ‘Look, you’re an amazing girl. I know the timing is lousy, but I think it’s best not to beat about the bush. I can’t see a future for us.’

  ‘Is that it?’ she said flatly. ‘Is that all you’ve got?’

  Johnny looked stunned at her lack of emotion. What had he expected? Tears and hysterics? She wasn’t that kind of girl.

  ‘Then we’ve nothing more to say to each other.’ She set her mouth in a grim line. ‘Excuse me if I don’t get up to see you out.’

  ‘Look after yourself, Mattie,’ were the last words he said to her.

  That was exactly what she intended to do from now on.

  CHAPTER NINE

  From a distance, Mattie could hear ringing, but she was floundering, pinned down, unable to move, drowning under a weight of water. She didn’t know what the ringing was but it was insistent … She opened her eyes and the room came into focus. She heard the sound again and saw her phone, lit up next to her. She reached for it with her good arm.

  ‘Ummmnnngh …’ she said, eventually answering.

  ‘Hey, sis. Sorry, did I wake you?’

  ‘Mark!’ Her heart leapt at the sound of his familiar voice. ‘No, no, don’t worry, I don’t think it’s that early.’ Her brother had rung her in Switzerland as soon as he heard the news, and it was only her absolute insistence that she had plenty of help around her that stopped him jumping on a plane right there and then. ‘Whassup?’

  ‘What are you doing today?’

  Mattie considered his question as she tried to switch her brain on. ‘Most likely staring at the walls of Cara’s flat, which is pretty much all I’ve done over the past week. Tell me what’s going on with you; I’m sure it’s much more exciting than my life right now.’

  ‘Oh, you know, the usual. Leo’s trying to teach Barnsie some new tricks. He almost got him to sit up and beg the other day. Luisa’s making mischief, and we’ve just installed a new bottling line … same old, same old, really.’

  ‘How’s Rose?’

  ‘She’s good. Got her hands full with the restaurant, you know how it is. Anyway, speaking of food, how do you think you might feel about lunch today?’

  ‘Oh, ha ha, nice one, Mark. You suggesting we Skype while I eat a microwave Tesco special?’

  ‘Um, not exactly. I was thinking more along the lines of lunch at London House. Rose tells me it’s the hottest place in town right now, and it’s a stone’s throw from you.’

  ‘Yeah, right, very funny. Are you deliberately messing with my head? Cause I could do without that right now, you know. My sense of humour got buried in the avalanche, I reckon.’

  ‘Nup, not messing around.’ Mark couldn’t keep the glint of satisfaction from his voice. ‘I landed half an hour ago. Give me a chance to check in to my hotel and grab a coffee and a shave and I’ll be with you.’

  ‘Whaaaat?’ Mattie nearly dropped the phone in her excitement. ‘No way. You’d better not be kidding me.’

  ‘Swear to God. Now, what’s the address?’

  *

  Mattie’s hand was trembling as she hung up. She sat up in bed and swung her legs awkwardly over the side. ‘Cara!’ she called through the open door. ‘Cara!’ she shouted again, louder this time. ‘Guess what?’

  Her friend appeared, rubbing her hair with a towel. ‘What? What is it?’

  ‘Mark. My brother. He’s here in London. He’s coming to take me out for lunch.’

  ‘Oh mate, that’s brilliant news. What a fantastic surprise.’

  ‘I know.’ Joy welled up in her. It would be so good to see him. She hadn’t realised how much she’d missed having family around, especially at a time like this.

  ‘Now, quick, can you help me make myself look at least halfway presentable? I’ll need some concealer to cover up my eye.’ The bruise had faded to a pale browny yellow, which only made her look tired. There wasn’t much she could do about the cut. Though the stitches had been removed, it was still a disfiguring and angry purple-red.

  ‘I think we need to do more than that. Come on, let me at least wash your hair.’

  ‘Is it that bad?’ Mattie put a hand to her head, feeling the greasy strands clinging to her forehead.

  ‘Hated to mention it, but yup, it is that bad.’

  By noon that day, Mattie was being wheeled into the restaurant. There was a delicious aroma of food cooking, fresh-baked bread and caramelising onions. A warm fug had steamed up the windows, but was welcome after the bitter cold outdoors. It was the first time she’d been out of the apartment since she’d arrived there from hospital, and the sights and sounds of the city had crowded in on her. It was all a bit overwhelming. Thankfully the restaurant was quiet and the starched waitstaff didn’t bat an eyelid at her wheelchair, nor her bruised face or tracksuit pants, which were the only thing she could get on over the cast
on her leg. Cara had lent her a soft grey cashmere sweater and wound a bright saffron scarf around her neck. This at least added a bit of colour to her pale face. Her normally close-cropped spiky haircut was now more of a shaggy mop, but Cara had done her best to tuck it behind her ears into some semblance of style. No amount of concealer had been able to disguise the scar or the shadows under her eyes, but at least she didn’t look as horrific as she had a few weeks earlier.

  With a minimum of fuss they showed Mattie and Mark to a corner table where she wouldn’t need to be disturbed by other diners wanting to get past.

  ‘So what do the doctors say?’ Mark asked after the waiter had taken their orders.

  ‘This’ – Mattie knocked on the heavy cast on her leg with her good arm – ‘will need to stay on for another six weeks or so. It’s going to be a long recovery, with lots of physio. They’re going to wait and see if this’ – she pointed to her cheek – ‘will need surgery to tidy it up. They think it was sliced by the edge of my ski when it came off. It also all still fucking hurts.’

  ‘Oh Tilly, it’s been so tough for you.’ Concern was written on his face.

  ‘It’s Mattie these days, remember,’ she said, wrinkling her nose at him. ‘Less babyish.’

  ‘Well, you’ll always be Tilly to me, I’m afraid,’ he said, leaning back as a waiter unfurled his napkin for him. ‘Hope they’ve at least given you some decent painkillers?’

  ‘Actually they make me feel so woozy and confused, I’ve been trying to wean myself off them,’ she confessed.

  ‘You’re a tough cookie, kiddo. Do you remember the time you smashed your knee on the cement of the winery floor when you were rollerskating in between the barrels? You got right up again and carried on skating, even though there was blood running down your leg and into your sock. You were only about six at the time.’ Mark smiled at the memory.

  ‘Yeah, well, I think this qualifies as a little more serious.’

  ‘Fair call,’ he agreed.

  ‘And it does all leave me with a bit of an issue.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I haven’t told my boss yet, but I can’t see how I’m going to manage at work with only one arm.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘I need both hands for, well, pretty much everything. The computer, driving …’

  ‘Right, I see. That is a problem. Can they hold your job open for you until you’re recovered?’

  Mattie was saved from answering by the arrival of their starters. She let out an involuntary moan at the sight of a plate of crab tortellini floating in a clear broth before taking a sip of the glass of Puligny-Montrachet that Mark had ordered to go with it. ‘Far out, Rose knows how to pick a good restaurant. This looks sensational. A step up from a ready meal, that’s for sure.’ She was suddenly starving.

  Mark reached over and placed a reassuring arm on her shoulder. ‘Glad to see you haven’t lost your appetite. You always could eat the house down.’ He picked up his fork and speared some pasta. ‘Now, tell me about Johnny. How is he doing? Your friend – Cara, wasn’t it? She mentioned he was hurt too.’

  Mattie hesitated. She was embarrassed to tell her brother that Johnny had behaved less than impressively since the accident. ‘I, er … he’s been spending some time at his parents … in Hampshire.’

  ‘Oh. Was he badly injured?’ Mark asked.

  ‘Actually, not so much,’ she admitted.

  ‘So he’s been to see you?’

  ‘Only once since Switzerland,’ she said quietly. ‘And that was to break up with me. I don’t think he could cope with a less-than-perfect girlfriend.’ She pointed to the scar on her face. ‘His loss,’ she said in a flat tone.

  ‘What?’ Mark was incredulous, incensed on his sister’s behalf. ‘You’re kidding? What a total dropkick!’

  Mattie chuckled at the expression. It was good to hear those words from someone else and have her innermost feelings confirmed. ‘Do you know, I think you might be right,’ she said, surprised that she was able to laugh at the whole sorry situation. It felt better than she could have believed possible to have her brother there.

  ‘So,’ he said, ‘what are your plans now? What are you going to do if you can’t go back to work?’

  And there was the question that Mattie had been avoiding for the past few weeks. What was she going to do? She only had a few thousand pounds in savings – most of her wages since she’d started working had gone towards repaying her student loans or on simply living – even though she was well paid, London was an expensive city. Bianca had been supportive so far, but Mattie knew she was expecting her back at her desk within a week or so. She’d used up all of her sick days and was now on unpaid leave – not a situation that was sustainable, for her or Three Bees.

  ‘You know you can always come back home, back to Kalkari,’ Mark said when she didn’t reply. ‘It’s been a long time since, well … a lot of water under the bridge. Anyway, there’s plenty of space, and I know you’d get on with Rose. You haven’t seen Luisa since we came over when she was a tiny baby, and Leo’s grown so much. We’re your family, you know. I want to be there for you, especially at a time like this. I know how much you love your independence, but why not come back, even if it’s just for a few months, until you get back on your feet? It’s been ten years, Mattie, don’t you think it’s about time?’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘It’s not as if you’d have to stay forever.’

  She briefly entertained the thought of returning home, but then instantly dismissed it. The long flight alone would be a nightmare in her present state, even with the benefit of painkillers, she told herself, skirting around the real reason for her reluctance.

  ‘Thanks, but I wouldn’t want to be a burden on you. And anyway, my life is here now.’ Even as she spoke, she began to wonder, could she really go back? With sudden clarity, she realised that she would need to forgive herself – even more than her parents – in order to do so.

  ‘No burden at all. You’d be doing me a favour.’

  Mattie looked at him suspiciously.

  ‘There’s a load of admin that needs some attention, and God knows I don’t get time for that these days, and I really could do with a proper PA. I’m sure you could manage that even one-handed. I know it’s not as glamorous as an advertising creative director, but I’d love to have you there. It’s glorious at home at the moment. The sun is shining, skies are blue …’ He stabbed his knife at the restaurant window to emphasise his point.

  The thought of warm, sunny days and fresh air was almost irresistible. But she shook her head. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. I’d make a terrible PA, and I haven’t been back home for so long. It might be boring after all this.’ She looked pointedly around the room, which had filled up with men in dark suits and women with expensive jewellery and salon-perfect hair.

  ‘Yeah, right.’ Mark refused to believe her protests. ‘I know there’s still a country girl hidden underneath that veneer of city sophistication.’

  She grimaced. ‘City sophistication? Did you clock the trackpants?’

  ‘Isn’t that what the fashionable set are wearing these days?’ he asked, raising an eyebrow at her. ‘Anyway, the offer’s there. All you have to do is say the word.’

  She smiled gratefully at her brother. ‘Okay,’ she said. ‘I’ll give it some serious thought. Now,’ she said, eager to move on to safer topics, ‘what does Luisa want for her birthday?’

  Later, after her brother had dropped her home, Mattie sat in the kitchen, where French doors from the kitchen looked out onto a tiny, bleak garden. She noticed a pair of robins flitting back and forth to their nest, feeding two gawping, bald chicks. She marvelled at their relentless hard work, how they persevered even when a storm almost blew their nest away. As she watched the birds, she rolled the idea of returning to the valley over in her mind, weighing up the possibilities. Could it be a chance to make things right?

  It was a conversation with Cara that finally convinced her. Cara, who h
ad surprised her by having infinite patience with her moodiness, and who had curtailed her party-going ways, making sure she was home every night to cook dinner for them both, who brought Mattie books and movies she might like, and who regaled her with stories from the outside world. She could never be grateful enough to her friend for all she had done.

  ‘I reckon you’re daft not wanting to go back home, even if it’s just for a few months. All that lovely sunshine and wine.’

  As Cara spoke, a memory surfaced: Mattie was sitting on the verandah of her parents’ house. Heat shimmering off the vineyards. Her family gathered around an outdoor table laden with salads. The smell of barbecuing lamb. Wine bottles beaded with condensation. The echo of laughter in the air. She felt instantly hollow with longing.

  ‘Are you trying to get rid of me?’ Mattie half-joked.

  ‘Of course not!’ Cara was indignant. ‘But from what you’ve said, it sounds like a great set-up. What’s stopping you? Call it an extended holiday. Whatever. Doesn’t have to be forever. Get on a plane and see your family, for heaven’s sake. Your mum’s probably going mental about how you’re doing. I know mine would be.’

  Mattie didn’t bother to explain that her mother still had no idea she’d been in an accident.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Rose carefully placed the last snowflake on the iced cake and tweaked a carrot nose. Luisa had requested – no, demanded – a Frozen theme, and so of course she had obliged. She couldn’t refuse the dark-haired little poppet anything very much. She’d crawled into Rose’s heart almost from the first day she’d met her.

  As she stood back and looked at the large white Olaf snowman cake, she knew Luisa would love it. She wiped her fingers on her apron and placed the cake in the pantry. She didn’t want an inquisitive little birthday girl discovering her surprise. Astrid had taken Luisa out for the morning to track down an Elsa dress and was under strict orders not to return until after lunch. Why was it always Elsa and not Anna? Rose wondered. The blonde ice queen, not the spunkier little sister?