Disasters in Dating

by Danielle Allen

  Each of my best friends started talking at once.

  “I’ll just have a fruit and yogurt bowl, please. Extra granola,” I ordered, handing the waiter my menu.

  I cast my eyes around the rectangular table and smiled. I was blessed and I knew it. With all the shit I’d been through, no one had my back like the four women with whom I did Sunday brunch biweekly.

  “I’ll have the strawberry lemonade, handsome,” Nichelle requested as the blushing waiter took her menu. “The price isn’t listed. How much is it?”

  “For you, don’t worry about it.” The waiter flashed a boyish grin, and I couldn’t help but be amused.

  “I’ll just have another water, please. And an acai and goji berry bowl please,” Carmen requested with a frown she directed at Dyani. “Because apparently Dyani thinks bird food will be enough sustenance for me.”

  Carmen was the funny one.

  Before the waiter could look across from Carmen, Anika shook her head and flashed a small smile.

  “Nothing else for me, please,” she declined softly, smoothing her thick hair down. “The amount of money we spend on brunch could be invested into our vacation budget.”

  Anika was the smart one.

  “I’ll have a water and the vegan blueberry oatmeal waffles,” Dyani proudly ordered her all-natural, healthy, vegan breakfast option before throwing a sheepish smile at Carmen. “And an order of bacon please. Crispy.”

  “This bitch is going to order bacon after making me eat like a damn bird?” Carmen exclaimed, rocking her shoulder into Nichelle.

  We all laughed, but no one laughed harder than Nichelle on my left and Dyani on my right.

  “I’m missing something,” Nichelle asked as soon as the waiter was out of earshot. “What did you ask him for him to tell you that he wanted you to choke on his dick?”

  I temporarily forgot we were discussing the last conversation I’d had on TenderFish.

  I rubbed my temples. “I asked about his day. I literally said, ‘How was your day today?’ and that was his response.”

  “Shut up!” Carmen’s mouth opened wide as she laughed. “Desiree, shut up right now! You asked him how his day was going, and he told you he wanted to force his cock down your throat?”

  She was so loud that I couldn’t do anything but laugh. It wasn’t long before Nichelle and Dyani joined in.

  “But you’ve signed up and deleted all the other dating apps so this has got to be the one,” Anika assured me as we settled down. “TenderFish couldn’t be that bad.”

  When our eyes connected, I saw the look again.

  I hated the look.

  The look was what kept me from dating.

  The look was what prompted me to start dating.

  The look was why I hesitated to start online dating.

  I looked at Dyani who gave me a reassuring nod. I could almost hear her prodding me to tell them about the new dating site she talked me into joining.

  I sighed. “Well, there’s one more dating site that I’m on.”

  “Oh!” Anika’s eyes lit up.

  “Good!” Carmen leaned forward. “Because you know I was living vicariously through you. I need these dates!”

  Nichelle shook her head at Carmen’s comment. “What site?”

  “It’s SOS!” Dyani exclaimed, unable to contain her excitement. “It’s new, but it’s the app to be on right now. There are so many eligible men on there.”

  Everyone looked at the married mother of one.

  “I wasn’t looking for me,” Dyani defended herself. “I just heard about it and helped convince Desi to join.” Before the conversation could shift to her wealth of knowledge concerning dating sites, she continued, “So as of twenty-four hours ago, Desiree is back on the online dating market.”

  “But I don’t know how long I’m going to stay on SOS,” I concluded, looking around the table.

  “Why?” Anika asked, her eyes wide and her voice almost shrill with pity and panic. “Don’t delete it. Your next love could be on SOS.”

  Tearing my eyes away, I shook my head. “Come on… You are the smartest person I know. Both mathematically and realistically, you and I both know that the majority of the same men that were on all of the other ones will be on SOS as well. Just because it’s the newest dating tool doesn’t change the actual men in the area.” I lifted my phone in the air. “I joined last night and this was my first message. The first one. First.” I cleared my throat as I quoted the twenty-nine year old man from SOS. “’Hey, how are you? I have a question: how do you like your eggs in the morning?’” I looked up. “And that’s just the first one.” I shook my head.

  “Yikes. The dating pool after thirty takes a sharp dive,” Carmen quipped.

  Nichelle giggled at Carmen’s pun. “Unless…”

  “Unless, what? I settle?” I turned my full lips downward, frowning in disgust. “Not happening.”

  “No, you definitely shouldn’t settle.” Nichelle shook her head quickly. “You are Desiree Johnson. You have your own business and you write advice columns for the hottest magazine in the country.”

  Carmen nodded. “You’re basically the Black Carrie Bradshaw.”

  I laughed, crossing my arms over my chest. “So what does that make you?”

  Nichelle tapped her chin before grinning. “I’m the Black Miranda, obviously! Anika is the Black and Korean Charlotte. Carmen is the Mexican Samantha. Dyani is also Samantha.”

  Dyani threw her hands up. “Hey! I’m the Indigenous Samantha.” Gesturing toward the sky, she quoted something her grandmother told her, “We will be known forever by the tracks we leave.”

  “It always amuses me when you do that because you look like your mom,” Carmen chuckled.

  Dyani was biracial—her mom was Indonesian and white; her dad was Native American. But because of her fair skin and bone-straight hair, she’d been regarded as White all her life. She would do extra stuff to highlight the diversity of her genetic makeup to no avail. Even in her leather headbands and feathered earrings, she still looked like Megan Fox.

  “Anyway,” Nichelle segued the conversation and her attention back to me. ”You are amazing! And for the last couple of months, you’ve been looking for the man that looks best on paper. But let’s be honest… you’re looking for a unicorn.”

  I let my head drop back, sighing loudly. “I want what I want. There’s nothing wrong with me having higher standards than I had before. I gave a guy with potential a shot, and all he did was waste my time. This go-around will be different.”

  Before I could stop myself, I glanced at Anika and I saw it again.

  The look.

  “There’s nothing wrong with you having high standards. You’re bringing a lot to the table. You’re the whole package,” Nichelle agreed. “But when you’re so specific, you end up missing out on a lot of good guys. That type of research and networking could lead you to your right guy, or it could result in you tweaking what you thought you wanted.”

  I rolled my eyes and looked around the table. “You guys… I was on those sites to meet quality men to hang out with and ended up with a lot of dick pics and marriage proposals.” I held up my phone. “Not to mention the very graphic account about how this lothario wants me to choke on his dick.”

  “I believe he said cock,” Carmen deadpanned. Giving me a small smile she added, “But for all the dudes on there looking for ass, there are a good number of men looking for the same thing you’re looking for.”

  “If swiping left means no and swiping right means yes, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that your probability increases if you actually swipe right on some of the guys,” Anika commented, causing me to scrunch my nose up at her.

  I looked at Dyani immediately to my right. “Why are you so quiet? Especially after basically bullying me into creating an SOS account.”

  She frowned, shaking her head. “Nope. You created the account so I’m not adding anything. How you want to spend your life is your business.�
��

  I narrowed my eyes at her. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “If you’re scared, I get it. What Troy did to you was completely fucked up. You didn’t deserve that, Desiree. But he wins if you never get with anyone else. He wins if he broke your heart to the point that you can’t love again. He wins if he jeopardized any chance of you being happy because you’re still thinking about him and the bullshit that he did. So not only will he never be happy because his karma is going to ruin his life, but you will also never be happy if you allow him to keep you scared to get out there again.”

  “Half of the things on your must-have list, Troy didn’t even have,” Nichelle pointed out. “And you were with that motherfucker for ten years too long.”

  I high-fived her as I nodded in agreement.

  “It’s time for you to learn how to casually date,” Carmen added, wiggling her eyebrows. “You spent all the quality hoeing years in a relationship, and now you’re in your sexual prime.” She spread her arms wide as if showing off a display. “There are so many dicks out there in the world waiting for you to conquer them.”

  Anika groaned and dropped her head into her hands.

  I chuckled. “I’m not trying to conquer dicks. I’m trying to just meet some nice guys, go on some dates, spend some time with quality men. That’s it.”

  Dyani put her hand on my shoulder. “Well then, you’re going to have to revamp your profile and start giving some of these guys an actual chance.”

  “Let me see the profile Dyani made you create,” Nichelle requested, her hand out waiting for me to give her my phone.

  “I feel like this is an intervention or something,” I joked as I unlocked my phone and handed it to her.

  I narrowed my eyes as no one said anything.

  “Okay, who had the acai and goji berry bowl?” the waiter asked as he appeared out of nowhere.

  Our waiter had help; as the waitress picked up the plates from our pancakes, eggs, bacon, and potatoes that we ate family style, our waiter put down our post meal snacks.

  We liked to eat.

  Once the wait staff disappeared, we dug into our plates. I was so focused on sprinkling my extra granola that I momentarily forgot about the dating intervention my friends had put together.

  “Okay, what the hell is this?” Nichelle exclaimed just as the spoon touched my lips.

  My eyes jolted to her direction as I was frozen, arm raised. “What?”

  I hadn’t had nudes on my phone in over a year, but my stomach dropped as if she’d stumbled upon me in compromising positions.

  “Do you really not have a photo on your profile?”

  “I didn’t want anyone from work to see me.” I made a face. “You know I don’t want them all in my business.”

  Nichelle gave me a look. “First of all, if they can see you on the site, that means they’re on the site—so they can’t judge. Second, not having a picture is not an option. Do you think men are just going to assume you’re hot? You need to show off what you got because honey… you got it!”

  Carmen nodded. “Seriously, if there’s a time to advertise and put your literal best face forward, it’s on a shallow ass app where you determine if you want to get to know someone better based off of a few pictures.”

  Anika lifted her eyebrow and pursed her lips. In a quiet voice, she remarked, “Sounds like someone is familiar with dating apps.”

  We all hooted and hollered, embarrassing the smiling Anika as she looked down into her lap.

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever,” Carmen giggled as she took my phone from Nichelle. As soon as she looked at the screen, she instantly made a face. “Why is your profile so basic?” She looked genuinely concerned. “You are not basic. But this…this is basic. SOS is supposed to stand for Someone Special. This profile looks more like an SOS distress signal.”

  I felt the laughter bubbling up in me, but I swallowed it down. “Shut up,” I grumbled.

  “Wait, let me see.” Anika reached over the table and grabbed the phone. She read and then looked at me. She looked down at my phone again, and then she looked back at me. “Is this your message? Your tone sounds a little… bitter. I don’t know if you needed to add that you’re back on the market after a breakup. Or a list of things you’re not looking for.”

  “You did not,” Dyani breathed, eyes widening. She turned from me to take the phone from Anika. She quietly read and then she looked at me and shook her head. “Desi, this is some bullshit and you know it.” She hit a few buttons and then handed me my phone again. “Create a new account. I deleted the old one.”

  “If only I could delete that shit from my memory,” Carmen joked.

  “It wasn’t that bad,” I argued, holding back a laugh.

  “Yes.” Dyani placed her hand on my shoulder. “Yes, it was.”

  They nodded, murmuring solemnly.

  “It was actually the worst,” Anika whispered, causing us to giggle.

  Sighing, I closed my eyes for a second. “Honestly, I don’t even want to do this. I just want to meet someone organically, spend an adequate amount of time together, and then go.”

  “Organic? Seriously? Hello! I met Miguel on a dating site,” Carmen reminded us. “On TenderFish.”

  “I thought I could get better flights if I slept with the cute guy in the tourism department,” Dyani added, lifting her arms. “By the time I realized Kevin wasn’t actually the one buying the tickets, I was already pregnant.”

  Anika shrugged. “Mike was technically my boss.”

  All eyes were on Nichelle as she grinned unapologetically. “I don’t know how I ended up with the most traditional love story, but you all know that if I didn’t end up with Drew, that would’ve been me fucking the boss or online dating like a champ.” She looked at Dyani. “Better flights? I don’t know. First class? Absolutely.”

  We all laughed.

  Twenty minutes later, I had a new profile on SOS with a few cute photos.

  “Now, this is a real profile!” Dyani exclaimed after reading it aloud. “Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get real. You don’t subscribe to the fairy tale bullshit. What’s really going on?”

  I was quiet for a minute. “I guess it’s overwhelming to date. I’ve never dated as an adult. I was with Troy for ten years. I don’t even know if I know how. I don’t know if I understand casual dating because I’m so used to being in a serious, committed relationship. But I definitely want to be casual. I don’t want anything serious. I’m afraid of anything serious…” I cleared my throat. “Because what if I…” My voice trailed off into nothingness. I hadn’t allowed myself to admit the thought that rummaged around in the back of my mind for the last few months.

  “You’ll definitely meet someone, Desi,” Anika assured me softly. She stared at me with sad, watery eyes causing me to look away. “Whether it’s on the site or somewhere else, you’ll meet someone and fall in love.”

  I swallowed hard as I stared at a large, colorful painting on the back wall. “And that’s what I’m scared of.” I looked around at my friends. “What if I fall in love again?”

  Chapter 4

  On a Friday evening in April, eleven years and six months ago, I was making my way from my second interview with Urbane Magazine. I was riding the high of knowing that I was going to graduate in three weeks and start my writing career. It was as an assistant to a junior level executive in the sales department, but it was a job at the magazine nonetheless.

  As I practically skipped to my car, three blocks away, I stopped in my tracks as I heard an acoustic guitar. Following the sound, I made my way into Bar Noir. The five o’clock crowd was streaming in along with me, but I managed to grab a stool at the bar. I was quickly attended to by the cute bartender and had a celebratory drink in my hand within a few minutes.

  I turned on my stool and when I saw the guitarist, my lips parted in want.

  He was sexy—dark, bearded, tattooed, and sexy.

  He looked like a rock and roll kind o
f guy with his olive complexion, tattooed body, dark, perfectly coiled hair, and muscular arms that were showcased in a sleeveless tank top. But his voice sounded like smooth R&B, wrapped in silk sheets and even silkier melodies. His voice groaned over the guitar riffs and compelled me to stand to my feet.

  My movement was restricted in my black pencil skirt and white, sleeveless chiffon top, but I moved anyway. I sipped from my glass and allowed his vocal ability to draw me in. I didn’t notice anyone or anything around me. I just continued to be drawn into his essence as he bemoaned about love in a gritty, masculine way. I was absolutely captivated.

  “Ah!” I yelped as I was bumped hard by a muscle-bound man grooving to the beat harder than I was.

  “My bad!” He threw the faux-apology over his shoulder as he continued to make his way to the stage.

  I stared angrily at the back of the man’s head before looking down at the large dark spot that covered the front of my shirt. The stain seemed to grow, showing off my bra and deflating my new hire high.

  “Ass,” I grumbled under my breath as I put my glass on a nearby table.

  I stalked through the after-work crowd and as I exited the building, another man who wasn’t looking where he was going plowed into me with a thud.

  “Watch it!” I barked, forcing my eyes up to his and faltering.

  “Woah, sorry. I didn’t see you there,” he said, grabbing my upper arms in his big hands. “I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

  I opened my mouth and no words came out. My stomach flipped as we held each other’s gaze.

  “Are you okay?” The man with the caramel complexion and boyish grin repeated. He took a step back and moved us away from the flow of traffic into, out of, and past Bar Noir. My eyes dipped to fully take in the broadness of his shoulders, the firmness of his chest, and the muscular arms that were still holding on to my shoulders.

  I swallowed hard before taking a step back, out of his grasp. “Yes, I’m fine.” I pulled my eyes away from his and made the mistake of staring at his full lips. Another flutter tickled my belly.

  “Yes, you are,” he agreed. “I see you’re leaving while the performance is going on, so I guess it isn’t worth me staying.”