Disasters in Dating
Page 6
Comments from friends, family, coworkers, and neighbors that linked my happiness with someone else made me see that the look had shifted. Instead of being a sadness and a pity that I was done wrong and hurt by a man I loved, it was a sadness and a pity that I had no man at all. And that was concerning. So, I asked myself the necessary questions: When did being with someone who did me wrong become as bad as being alone? And when did so many people start subscribing to that mindset?
I spent six months dating myself, finding myself, getting to know myself. In that time, I wrote my best articles, gave my best advice, and became my best self. It was a transformative time and I let go of the baggage of my past. I was finally, officially, ready to date again. My desire to date wasn’t a need, but instead, I wanted to meet new people, go on dates, and have sex. And with the assistance of my best friends, my new SOS profile featured three photos—one close-up, one from the chest up, and one full body—and a new bio was ready for action.
Sitting in my elegantly chic pink and grey living room, I stared at my profile objectively before hitting the Let’s Do This button.
“Here goes,” I whispered to myself as the screen loaded and then the first man popped on the screen. “Nope.”
Leaning forward, I grabbed the remote from the chrome and glass coffee table, turned on the television and continued on my quest. After swiping left on seven men in a row, I leaned forward and picked up my glass and took a long sip of crisp, sweet wine. Letting my head drop back onto the couch, I sighed.
What am I doing? I closed my eyes and groaned. If I didn’t have any luck on the other sites, why in the world would they think this is going to be any different? It’s still the same area with the same men.
I exhaled and exited the SOS application so I could open a text message.
“Online dating isn’t for me,” I stated each word as I typed it in the group text message.
I didn’t even get a chance to put my phone down before the responses came in.
Nichelle: If you want to date, Mr. Right isn’t going to stroll up to your front door. You’re going to need to either go out and mingle around town or stay on SOS. If you want to go out, you know I’m a great wing-woman. Not as good as you, but I’m a close second.
I giggled at Nichelle’s text message. I was a great wing-woman. I took pride in my ability to make a potentially awkward situation comfortable for everyone. I seamlessly played wing-woman for Nichelle at a frat party, introducing her to her now husband. It would be serendipitous if she were to introduce me to mine.
Anika: You haven’t given it a chance. We only set up your profile earlier today. There’s no way you’ve gone through all the men on there. Just give it a chance. You’ll meet someone.
Carmen: Who says you have to look for your soulmate? You said you wanted to find someone for good times and good sex. So, think of it like that. You’re not out here looking for Mr. Right. You’re out here looking for Mr. Swipe Right.
Nichelle: Carmen has a point. You aren’t looking for your husband. You’re looking to have fun and enjoy yourself. So, do that. Have fun and enjoy yourself. If you’re looking at each picture, reading the profile, and trying to see if you could imagine being in a relationship with them, you’re overthinking it.
Carmen: You never had a chance to live out your ho years. Now is the time. What a time to be alive!
I laughed out loud and shook my head. Carmen was convinced that everyone needed a period of their life where they explored their sexuality, tried something new, and figured out what they liked with a number of different participants to really gauge what worked and what didn’t. I’d gone from relationship to relationship, so I’d never really dated around.
Anika: During your ho years, you don’t have to sleep with everyone you date. I’m looking at you, Carmen.
Dyani: But you can if you want to.
Carmen: If you want to fuck them all, fuck them all!!!!
Nichelle: You experience as many new dicks as you want! Because you know how you are and once you find the man you want to be serious with, you’ll probably be with him forever.
I smirked and shook my head. She wasn’t wrong.
Me: True, true.
Dyani: Desi, swipe right for any man you’re attracted to. If you find anything about him attractive, swipe right.
Anika: Attractive and educated.
Nichelle: Attractive, educated, and employed.
Carmen: Attractive, educated, employed, and interesting.
Nothing compelled me to want to swipe right on the seven men I passed over because I didn’t see long-term potential in them. But my friends were right. Even though I wasn’t the random hook-up type, I loved meeting new people, going on dates, and experiencing new things.
I was taking SOS way too seriously.
Me: Love you ladies! You’re right. I’m taking myself and these dudes way too seriously. I just need to make sure they meet the basic criteria (attractive, educated, employed, and interesting) and swipe right.
Dyani: Yes! Swipe right! Love you!
Anika: Yes! Yes!
Me: I’ll keep you updated!
I finished my glass of wine and placed it back on the table.
“Okay, let’s try this again,” I murmured as I clicked the SOS application on my phone.
Left swipe. Left swipe. Left swipe. Right swipe. Right swipe. Left swipe. Right swipe. Right swipe. Right swipe. Left swipe. Right swipe. Left swipe. Right swipe. Right swipe. Right swipe. Right swipe. Right swipe. Right swipe. Right swipe. Right swipe. Right swipe. Left swipe.
I turned on the TV and continued the mindless fun of quickly swiping left or right without overthinking. As the movie got more interesting, the less attention I paid to SOS. My phone went dark, and I tucked my knees underneath me and stared at the action on the TV screen. I gasped as the killer was revealed and the movie ended.
I turned off the TV. Well that was better than expected.
Grabbing my phone and my wine glass, I put the glass in the dishwasher and headed to my bedroom. Turning on music, I let the playlist randomly shuffle through my Night playlist. Moving my body to the sexy R&B song that gently pumped through the speakers in my room, I danced my way to bed.
After snuggling under my covers, I picked up my phone to aimlessly waste time until I fell asleep. Opening SOS, I frowned and then something else caught my eye. Above the photo of a man being licked on the lips by his dog, a little heart notification and a little envelope notification appeared.
Curious, I tentatively hit the heart notification, and my eyebrows flew up.
“Holy shit!” I exclaimed, sitting up in bed.
It had only been a couple of hours, and I’d matched with twenty-nine men. I didn’t even remember swiping right on twenty-nine men! As I scrolled through to quickly glance at who was who, I smirked at the diversity of my lineup. Men of varying heights and weights, different races and occupations littered my roster of potentials.
“Okay, let the games begin,” I murmured as I tapped the envelope at the top of the screen.
To: Desiree
From: Lovers & Friends
Hi, I’m Doyle but my friends call me D. You are absolutely beautiful. I’d like to get to know you better—mind, body, and soul. I’d like to take you out and make love to your mind as we talk about our future. I’d take you home and make love to that beautiful body of yours. I’d bring you so much pleasure that your soul would tie to mine. If you’re interested in letting me get inside your mind, body, and soul, here’s my number. Call me. 240-555-4132.
“Interested in letting you get inside me? No, thank you, Doyle,” I spoke to the screen as I ignored the message and moved on to the next.
To: Desiree
From: Pretty Boy Josiah
Yo! THX 4 matching wit me. Ur cute. Ur looking 4 something real and so am I. HMU. IDK maybe coffee? Luv coffee. LOL! WBU?
“You’re a thirty-five-year-old! A grown ass man! Don’t ask me out with text speak.” I rolled my eye
s.
To: Desiree
From: Hungry Like A Wolf
I’m craving chocolate. And I heard that once you go black, you won’t go back! So let me get a taste of that chocolate.
I closed my eyes and groaned. “And that sounds like a fetish. No, thank you.”
To: Desiree
From: Lonely And Looking
Hi, I’m Chadwick. I’m at the point in my life that I’m looking for a long-term relationship. I want someone to spoil and pamper. I want someone to take care of and treat like a queen. Will you be my queen, Desiree?
“No, Chadwick,” I sighed. “I will not.”
To: Desiree
From: Bobby B
Wanna fuck?
“Not only do I not want to fuck, I’m going to block you for lack of originality and rudeness, Bobby B.”
What the hell was wrong with some of these men in the area. Nothing about my profile or my photos indicated I was down for random sex. The nagging feeling that had bothered me when I first joined the world of online dating a month prior rattled in the back of my brain.
Is online dating code for sex?
Online dating was still dating. I hadn’t dated in eleven and a half years, but the concept of dating shouldn’t have changed as drastically as it had in a decade. Dating was supposed to be an opportunity for two people who were attracted to one another to spend time together to determine if they would be compatible for a relationship. Dating was supposed to be a fun way to get to know someone. In getting to know them, one could determine if they were interested enough to sleep with them.
I shook my head in confusion as I scrolled through message after message filled with ridiculous propositions for sex and bullshit declarations of feelings.
How is this dating? I wondered before I got to a message that actually caught my attention.
To: Desiree
From: Jayson’s Lyric
Hi Desiree, how are you? I have to admit that while your beauty caught my eye, it was your profile that captured my attention. You’re clearly intelligent and deep. Beauty and brains is a combo a lot of women say describe them in their profile, but yours actually displayed it. So, while I am a well-traveled, fun-loving, outdoorsy man, I’m also passionate about music. I wish I could tell you that I’m passionate about my full-time job, but there’s only so much enjoyment I get from managing hedge funds. So, music is my passion in life. Much like you, I know who I am and what I want. And I hope for the chance to get to know you better because while based on your profile, I’m interested, you may just want me for my body. I look forward to hearing from you, Desiree.
Jay
To: Jayson’s Lyric
From: Desiree
Hi, Jay! I hope this message finds you well. As nice as your body appears to be, I assure you my interests are pure. Do you play an instrument? Do you sing? I love music, but I’m not musical. And thank you for taking the time to read my profile.
Desiree
I smiled as I hit send. The short message was light, conversational, and a little bit flirty—or at least I thought it was. My smile fell and my eyebrows scrunched together as I reread my message.
Why am I thanking him for reading my profile? I shook my head as I pushed the thought away. I’m overthinking this. I just need to relax.
I deleted the next couple of messages, but then I came across another one that intrigued me. The man in the photo was ruggedly handsome with piercing eyes, but what caused me to stare was the firefighter uniform. And although I was captivated because there was something incredibly sexy about a man in uniform, it was his name that made me smile.
To: Desiree
From: Charles In Charge
Your questions are deeply personal considering I don’t know very much about you. How about we play a little tit for tat?
Waiting,
Charles
I smirked at his message as I read it again. He gave me just enough to pique my interest and he ended it in a way that came off as powerful. Although he used the word “waiting,” the confidence that leapt off the screen told me that he knew he would get a response back.
Waiting, I repeated his closing as I looked at his picture. My toes curled. I should ignore his message and make him sweat it out. Then he’ll be really waiting.
Unfortunately, I glanced at his photo again and couldn’t help myself.
To: Charles In Charge
From: Desiree
Okay, Charles… I’ll bite. But I’ll go first. What are you passionate about?
Desiree
To: Desiree
From: Charles In Charge
You bite? Interesting and noted… For later. But I’m a gentleman and I want to get to know you first.
I’m passionate about living and experiencing life.
What brings out your passion, Desiree?
Charles
I realized I had a grin on my face the entire time I was reading. There was something charismatic about him, and it was such a turn on.
Or I just need a cold shower.
To: Charles In Charge
From: Desiree
I’m passionate about helping people. That’s what I do for work. I like to refer to myself as a life coach. And from the look of a couple of your photos, it would appear that you also help people. How long have you been a firefighter?
Desiree
To: Desiree
From: Charles In Charge
Fifteen years. I graduated with an accounting degree, even got my certified public accountants license. But I knew that wasn’t going to cut it for me so before my junior year in college, I knew I wanted to help people do more than avoid the IRS. I needed something more exciting. So, I checked out my local firehouse and the rest is history. What brings you to SOS?
Charles
To: Charles In Charge
From: Desiree
Thank you for putting your life on the line of fire for the city. That’s admirable. I know you say you were looking for something exciting, but that’s also selfless. Anytime you head into danger as opposed to run from it, that is the ultimate sacrifice. And I’m on SOS because I want to meet new people. I’m easing my way back into the dating scene and I thought this would be a cool way to do it. What brings you to SOS?
Desiree
To: Desiree
From: Charles In Charge
Easing back into the dating scene? I know how that can be. You let me know if there’s anything I can do to make the transition smoother for you. Is there anything I can do to help? And I’m on SOS for the opportunity to meet women like you.
Charles
To: Charles In Charge
From: Desiree
Ha! In which ways do you believe I need help? And what kind of help do you think you could provide?
Desiree
To: Desiree
From: Charles in Charge
If you’re dipping back into the dating scene, you probably had a recent breakup. I could take care of you. I could help you take your mind off him—at least for a while.
Charles
I bit down on my bottom lip as I read his message. I knew he was coming on to me. I knew he was talking about sex. But for some reason, it didn’t rub me the wrong way like the other messages. Maybe it was because I was attracted to the smooth way he approached it along with the fact that he was a sexy firefighter. Or maybe it was because it was late, my playlist was playing increasingly sexy songs, and I hadn’t had sex in a long time. But I was smiling, turned on, and confused. There was something so enticing about him and I recognized that I was letting myself be seduced by Charles.
To: Charles In Charge
From: Desiree
Just to be clear and to ensure we’re on the same page, I don’t have sex with men I don’t know. So how would you take my mind off him?
Desiree
To: Desiree
From: Charles In Charge
I didn’t say anything about sex (but I see where your head is at—and I like it). What I
said was that I could take care of you. There’s a number of things I could do to take your mind off the breakup for a while. I could give you something so good that you’d savor the taste in your mouth for days… by taking you to my favorite restaurant. I could wear you out, get you sweaty and out of breath… by taking you dancing. Or I could get you to do something you’ve never done before… by letting you slide down my pole… at the firehouse. Like I said, you just say the word and I’ll take care of you.
Charles
This dude... I shook my head, but I couldn’t stop grinning.
To: Charles In Charge
From: Desiree
Tempting. But who says I need to be taken care of?
Desiree
To: Desiree
From: Charles In Charge
You deserve to be taken care of. Any woman asking about someone’s passion in life deserves to be taken care of.