Disasters in Dating

by Danielle Allen

  “You are fucking perfect,” he whispered, eyeing me worshipfully.

  “Then stay…” I searched his dark brown eyes, looking for a glimmer of something that indicated that he wanted more.

  Bending forward, he planted a soft kiss against my lips. “I can’t.”

  I struggled to come up with the words I wanted to say to him, the words I needed to say to express myself and how I was feeling. “I want more,” I admitted, fully exposing myself, but masking it under the cloak of sexual intimacy.

  He looked into my eyes, searching them.

  My heart skipped a beat the moment I saw recognition in his eyes. When it clicked for him what I meant, for the briefest of moments, I saw the feelings I felt being reflected back at me through his eyes. And then we both breathed and with that solid exhale, I felt my heart shattering before he even opened his mouth.

  Planting a kiss that felt more like a goodbye than anything, Charles sat up. Untangling my legs from around him, he eased off the bed. “Get some rest, gorgeous. Goodnight.”

  Chapter 13

  “I just wanted to call to say thank you and to tell you that I cancelled my membership on SOS,” Miles informed me. “After last night, I’m convinced I don’t need to meet anyone else off that site.”

  “Thank you for last night. I’m very, very interested in hearing more about this new development at length, but I’m at brunch with my best friends now,” I giggled as I sat at a table in the back waiting for my friends to show up.

  “I know. I timed this specifically in hopes that you’ll think about it and not rush to give me an answer,” Miles asked, his voice upbeat and light. “There’s no rush. I just wanted you to know how I feel.”

  “Fine. I’ll think about it.” I playfully added a loud, overdramatic sigh. “But only if that means you’ll think about me as well.”

  “I haven’t stopped thinking about you since we met,” he responded earnestly.

  There was a genuineness to his words that made my heart skip a beat.

  “So, in this week and a half, you’ve thought of me and only me?” I made a skeptical face even though he couldn’t see it.

  “I’m going to tell you something serious… It’s been almost a month since we started talking on SOS and I thought you were cool. But I was also talking to a few other cool women, too. It wasn’t until we met that I realized that they had nothing on you. Your energy and beauty are incomparable. So, I’m just putting it out there. No pressure or anything, I just wanted you to know that you’re who I want so I’m actively pursuing you.”

  I grinned. Noticing Carmen walking in, I lifted my arm up to wave her over. “I want to talk more about this when I’m alone, but my God, Miles… You are such a charmer.”

  “And you are the real thing, Desiree Johnson.”

  My heart fluttered. “Your words make me all fluttery. I’ll call you as soon as I leave.” I stood to hug Carmen. “Talk to you soon.”

  “Yes, you will.”

  We said our goodbyes and I slipped my phone into my bag.

  “Well, well, well…” Carmen said in a sing-song tone. “Looking like someone is in love?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Not even. I just had a really good date with a really great guy and he called being sweet—per usual.”

  “You sound like you really like him, and I hope it’s who I think it is.” She squealed. “Is it Miles?!”

  “I’ll never tell,” I sang at her.

  Anika, Dyani, and Nichelle walked in and made a beeline toward us.

  Everyone hugged, sat down, and figured out their orders. After our waiter came by and we ordered almost everything on the limited brunch menu, everyone turned to me.

  “Have you whittled down your list to just two finalists?” Anika asked, hope crinkling her eyes.

  Frowning slightly, I nodded. “I did. And I’d hoped I’d just be consistently dating and fucking one man right now. But… I’m not.”

  Her face fell slightly. The hope was dimmed by the other look, the look I hated, the “you can only be happy if you’re in a relationship” look.

  The look.

  Rolling my eyes, I focused on Nichelle, the one who knew me best. “I really like Charles. I think because we related on a friend level first, it made me our connection feel more real. The constant flirty banter kept the sexual aspect of our relationship alive and well, but it was truly a great friendship that kicked it off.” I sighed. “And at the same time, I really like Miles. If I would’ve written down everything I wanted a man to do and say to pursue me, the paper would spell out Miles. One hundred percent. He is doing and saying everything right.”

  “He sounds perfect,” Anika gusted.

  I slumped, putting my head in my hands. “One would think, right? But if he was perfect, if the situation was perfect, I wouldn’t feel so connected to Charles. And with Charles, we have the chemistry, we have the banter, we have the conversation. He stimulates my mind and my body.” I looked around the table at the others and sighed. “So, on one hand I have this man that I feel like we’ve established something solid, something real, and he—”

  “Isn’t interested in a real relationship?” Nichelle asked rhetorically.

  I pursed my lips at her. “Sometimes I want to fight you.”

  She smirked. “I know. But you love me.”

  I reached over and grabbed her hand. “I really do.” I sat back in my chair. “But damn, I know he doesn’t want a relationship. Let me just tell this damn story!”

  We all laughed, but inside the admission made me a little sad.

  “I’ll keep her mouth shut,” Carmen promised, refilling Nichelle’s glass with the orange juice and champagne cocktail. “Continue, continue.”

  “No, Charles doesn’t seem to be interested in a relationship right now. But I don’t know. We had a moment on Friday that… I don’t know.”

  “Who had you smiling like a lunatic when I walked up?” Carmen inquired.

  “Miles.” Thinking about what Miles said made me smile. “You know how you can sometimes feel it when someone has good intentions for you?”

  Anika spoke up. “Yes!”

  “That’s how I feel about Miles. He’s such a good man. He’s incredibly sweet and so nice—like genuinely nice. And he treats me well. The one time we got hot and heavy, he just gave me the impression that he would be able to handle business in the bedroom. He’s so cool and creative and fun. I have so much fun with him.”

  I put my head in my hands and groaned.

  “Dating should be fun,” Carmen pointed out gently.

  “I thought so, too,” I grumbled. “But I feel conflicted because I have these two great guys. How am I supposed to choose between the two?”

  A silence settled around the table as my best friends seemed to consider the question.

  Softly, Dyani spoke up, “Why do you have to?”

  “Why do I have to choose between them?” I questioned her incredulously.

  Her head bobbled up and down. “Why? Do they know about each other? Miles and Charles?”

  I shook my head.

  “So why do they need to know? Why do you have to choose?” she repeated, leaning forward.

  I’d never really thought about it. Besides, when Miles said that he didn’t want anyone else, I’d never given any serious thought to it. I got different things from both of them. But what I wasn’t getting from either of them was sex.

  Well, oral sex, yes. But I wanted to get filled up…

  “Well, because…” I looked at the other women and then back at Dyani. “Because that’s what’s right. Especially since I don’t want to have sex with both of them at the same time. Well, I want to…” I laughed. “You know what I mean. I’m not going to have sex with them both at the same time. I’m a one-dick kind of woman and I don’t want to have sex with either of them until I know what’s what.”

  “But does Charles know he’s in the running? I mean, does he know that you’re possibly putting a relationship wi
th Miles in jeopardy?”

  Always the fucking voice of reason.

  “And to add on to what Dyani was saying,” Carmen continued. “Why do you have to choose right now? You should choose Miles eventually. But right now, if you’re getting something out of dating them both. Date them both!”

  I looked at Nichelle, but Anika chimed in. “If Miles is giving you what you need right now, why are you even entertaining Charles? Charles doesn’t even want a relationship! Choose Miles!”

  “Because she likes Charles,” Nichelle argued, looking at everyone else before looking at me. “And since you like both and can’t choose between the two of them, I’m going to have to agree with Dyani and Carmen.”

  Anika shook her head and folded her arms. “I don’t want Desi to end up alone. I want her to marry and be happy.”

  “I don’t want to end up alone, but the reality is, I might.”

  “No!” Anika exclaimed. “Don’t say that!”

  I furrowed my brows. “Not getting married doesn’t mean my life is any less fulfilled. It’s difficult getting into the swing of dating again because I have a lot less patience than I did in my twenties. But this isn’t the end of the world. I would love to find the man that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, but the reality is that I might not get married. And that doesn’t mean I’m not happy. I don’t need a man to make me happy or complete me. I’m complete all on my own. And I know you don’t think so, but I am happy.” I looked around the table. “I have the best friends in the entire world. I have a family who loves me and that I will be visiting in a couple of weeks. I have a career that I love and thrive in. I have an incredible apartment in an incredible city. My life is good.”

  “But Troy—”

  “Troy being sloppy showed his true colors and saved me the cost of an expensive wedding and an even more expensive divorce. Troy is such a non-motherfucking factor. I’m living my life and enjoying each day. What happened was hard and it hurt. I was devastated for an entire year, but I rose from the ashes of that relationship and I’m stronger, wiser, and happier than ever before. And to be honest, I just would love to find someone to be happy with.”

  Carmen sensing a conversation shift needed to happen, told us about a comedy gig she booked at a restaurant near the bay. We ate and talked about the upcoming week and our upcoming vacation. As usual, we laughed the time away.

  When I returned home, I was full and excited for a movie night with Charles. I made chocolate covered popcorn, showered, and changed into something more comfortable.

  Miles: I’m sending a surprise something over for you to help you with your thinking and reflecting on my proposal from earlier.

  Desiree: You’re so sweet, but you don’t have to send me anything.

  Miles: I know I don’t have to, but I want to. You deserve it.

  Miles really was like my very own prince. He was so sweet and so creative with his acts of kindness. He was legitimately wooing me and had yet to fail at making my heart flutter when we were together.

  Desiree: You’re so sweet! I’ll let you know when I get it. Thank you!

  I’d just finished bringing the popcorn and water into the living room when there was a knock at the door. I peeked out the peephole and even though Charles didn’t have his usual smirk adorning his face, his more subdued expression was just as sexy. My stomach clenched.

  “Hello, Vincent Charles,” I greeted Charles with an elaborate bow.

  “Hey…”

  The way his voice flatly replied, I looked up and that’s when I noticed what he had with him.

  “Miles, what are you doing here?” I asked shocked.

  Miles looked at me with a brokenness only creatives and passionate people possess and my eyes stung with tears. He was truly a sweetheart.

  “I told you I was bringing you a surprise.” Miles shifted his gaze from me to Charles. “But I see you have company.”

  Tossing a beautiful bouquet of colorful flowers to the ground, Miles turned and headed toward the elevator.

  “I’m sorry about that,” I whispered, shaking my head. “I don’t know why he just showed up like this.”

  “Yeah…” Even though his tone seemed nonchalant, Charles’s body language alerted me to how tense he was.

  He bent down to pick up the flowers, hesitating for a second as he looked at them and then handed them to me. Even though I had stepped back and opened the door wider he didn’t make a move into my apartment. He was clearly unamused with me.

  “I think I’m going to skip on movie night.” Charles started backing away from my front door and I felt my heart drop to the floor where my stomach and jaw still remained.

  “I’m sorry about the interruption. It won’t happen again.”

  I saw a flash of hurt in his eyes before he looked just above my head, breaking eye contact. “No, I think it’s for the best that I go home.” He made eye contact.

  “Please, don’t go,” I murmured so softly that the words were barely audible.

  “You should check on your boyfriend.”

  “What? Boyfriend? I don’t have a boyfriend.”

  He walked backward toward the elevator. “Are you sure about that?”

  “Yes!” My voice indignant as I fought back tears.

  Charles hit the elevator call button. “The man who brought you those flowers seemed to think you did.”

  “What?” I looked down at the flowers and noticed the white card. “Stepping my game up to be worthy of the title BOYFRIEND.”

  Panicked, I looked up just in time to see Charles enter the elevator car. “He’s not my boyfriend!” I yelled as the doors closed.

  Backing into my apartment, I let the door close behind me and I just dropped. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I rolled over onto my back and stared at the ceiling. I’d started the day on a high. I had two incredible men that I was spending my time with and with one ill-timed pop up visit, I lost them both. And it hurt.

  Getting up, I grabbed my phone off the coffee table and I sent a group text.

  Desiree: Charles and Miles found out about one another. They both seem pissed.

  Carmen: Oh shit!! How did this happen?

  I did a voice recording explaining everything that went down because it would’ve been way too long to text it to them.

  Nichelle: If they both seem pissed, that means they both felt some kind of way…which means they both have feelings. And they both had emotional reactions and exits. Especially with Charles. He wouldn’t have left like that if he didn’t have real feelings.

  Desiree: It was never the feelings I doubted. It was his ability to be in a relationship that I doubted. And with Miles, I knew how he felt. I should’ve at least told him about Charles.

  Anika: I’m sorry that happened.

  Desiree: I’m sorry about earlier. You were right, Anika. I should’ve made a choice. If I would’ve made a choice, none of this would’ve happened.

  Dyani: Technically you didn’t do anything wrong, so don’t feel bad because no relationship rules were established so you didn’t violate anything.

  Desiree: I feel bad. I know technically I didn’t do anything wrong. But I still feel bad that they were hurt.

  Dyani: Yeah, they were hurt and you should apologize to them for that. But you didn’t do anything wrong. You can’t control the expectations that they had for you and the relationship—especially if you didn’t agree to any terms. Don’t let either of them make you feel bad. Acknowledge their feelings and then communicate to them what you want moving forward.

  Nichelle: Think about it. How do you feel about them? And once you know how you feel, ask yourself this: if you had to choose, which would you choose?”

  I put my phone down and wiped the tears from my eyes. I thought about the question for a minute or two before I realized I’d known the answer all along.

  As I climbed to my feet, my cell phone dinged again. Expecting it to be one of my friends, I was caught off guard by the message I received.


  240-555-8118: Hey, what are you doing?

  “What the hell?” I had to scroll up to see the last conversation to even know who it was. “Brian? Seriously? You’ve got to be kidding me? You disappeared for weeks and think you can slide back into my life. Bye!”

  Delete!

  Frowning, I grabbed my handbag and keys and left my apartment to go to the man that I wanted to be with. For almost a month both men were on the forefront of my mind. But as I waited for the elevator, I realized my heart pulled me one way, and my head pulled me another. But my soul knew if I wanted this one or that one.

  This one or that one.

  Brink of Disaster

  Brink of Disaster: This One

  Brink of Disaster: That One

  August 6, 2017

  Two guys.

  Two endings.

  Two books.

  How do YOU want the story to end?

  The choice is yours.

  Disasters in Dating Playlist

  Music inspires me. The artists mentioned below wrote songs and lyrics that depict the mood of Desiree Johnson’s journey in Disasters in Dating. If you haven’t had a chance to listen to any of these songs, you should purchase them immediately and listen on repeat.

  Follow the Disasters in Dating Playlist on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/user/1298254681/playlist/1YATtVIjHXBdMgyr5ESKxI

  Rise

  Solange

  Love Galore

  SZA ft Travis Scott

  Don’t Want You

  Ella Mai

  Loyalty ft Rihanna

  Kendrick Lamar

  Mona Lisa

  Monte Booker ft Naji