Ache

by S. M. Soto

  “Okay.”

  I don’t wait for her to change her mind, I grip her hand in mine and pull her toward my truck. I help her into the passenger seat, even buckle her in like she’s incapable of doing it herself. I drive to the one place that’s always been ours. The one place I’ve missed almost as much as I’ve missed her. Our spot on the field.

  With her hand held tightly in mine, I lead her through the thick grass, and sit her down right next me. The need to feel her near me is borderline insane. I can’t explain it. When she’s here, right next to me, my heart doesn’t hurt so much. Everything feels right in my world again.

  “What’s going on?” I turn to her, begging her with my eyes to tell me the truth. Her bottom lip trembles as she averts her gaze.

  “So much, Liam. Things are so different, and I’m just so messed up now.”

  A sob slips past her lips, and she clamps a hand over her mouth forcing it back.

  “Talk to me, Bea. What’s going on?”

  “I can’t,” she says, shaking her head back and forth. “I’m ruined, Liam.”

  Her words hurt.

  Why the hell would she think she’s ruined?

  I know whatever it is that’s hanging over her like a black cloud isn’t good. If it was enough to make my sweet Bea want to take her own life, I know my heart is in for the trial of its life.

  We’re both silent as I try to figure out how to get her to talk. I want her to open up to me, and trust me like she did six years ago, but I don’t want to push her.

  “When I came home, I was worried I’d find you happy, with someone else, but seeing you like this Bea? I can’t take it. I’d rather see you happy with some other guy, than see you hurting. I can feel your pain, it hangs in the air around you. I don’t know why it’s there, but I feel it, and all I want to do is make it go away.”

  “I want you to make it go away, Liam. I really do, but this time…I don’t think anyone can.”

  “I spent every day with you for nearly three years, and I’ve never once seen you like this. Tell me how to fix it,” I whisper into her hair, pulling her into my arms. I let her sob onto my shoulder as I squeeze her tiny body against mine, fighting back my own tears. A sense of helplessness overwhelms me as I hold onto the girl that’s captured my entire heart.

  How the fuck do I help her, if I don’t know what’s wrong?

  I didn’t expect to come home to this. Not this version of Bea.

  “Why didn’t you move on, Bea?” I ask her, needing to know. She was the one who cut contact between us, and I thought at the time it was because she moved on, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

  “I couldn’t, not after you.”

  Her words hit me right in the chest, making it hard to breathe. That all too familiar pang of sadness engulfs me, swallowing me whole.

  “Did you?” she asks. “Did you move on?” I can feel her holding her breath, and I know honesty is the best policy even if it does hurt.

  “I tried. Every day I tried. I met a girl who made me feel happy again, but it’s…it’s complicated,” I say, trying to explain my relationship with Emery. She doesn’t hold a candle to Bea, but she’s still been a close friend and confidant while I’ve tried to forget the girl resting in my arms. I know she’s in love with me. I feel it in the way she looks at me and talks to me. I wish for her sake, I could let go of Bea and fall for her, but I can’t. And in all honesty, I don’t want to. Bea is a permanent fixture in my heart. No matter how many years go by, she’ll always be the one.

  Tears soak into my shirt, and my arms wrap tighter around her, squeezing Bea closer to me.

  “Are you happy?” she asks softly into my chest, between breaths.

  Staring out at the open field I mull over her question. I love what I do for a living, I followed my dream and now I get paid to play my favorite sport. I make so much money that half the time, I don’t even know what the hell to do with it. But does that make me happy? In some ways, but not the way it should. At the end of the day I have my family and Emery to share my success with, but what does it matter when the most important person in the world isn’t there to witness it?

  “I don’t think I’ve been happy for a very long time,” I say, blowing out a deep breath. “Six years to be exact.”

  I hear her sharp intake of breath, it’s unmistakable. She’s silent for a beat, as we stare out at the field that was once ours a long time ago.

  It still is.

  “Why?” She finally asks, and I give her the simplest answer. The God’s honest truth.

  “Because I don’t have you.”

  No words are needed after that. All that needed to be said on my part was said. I don’t know what happened to Bea that made her so broken, but I intend to find out.

  As I hold her in my arms for the first time in six years, it starts to feel like I’m home again. Where I should’ve been all along. The constant ache is gone, and in its place, is that blissful warmth Bea’s presence elicits whenever she’s near.

  That fateful day in the field changed everything. Liam had brought back the hope Melody introduced. I wanted him to know everything so badly, but Connor’s filthy words floated around in my head on repeat. I was afraid of what Connor would do if I ever told the truth about what happens in our house.

  I was so afraid that he was right about me—that I was trash and a whore. I sure felt like one. I knew Liam deserved better than a broken girl like me. I wanted him to have better, because a future with me? It wasn’t promised.

  Over the course of the next month, every single day Liam and I met at the field, just like old times. We ate, we talked, and we laughed like no time had passed at all. He made me feel safe, happy, and most of all, he made me feel like me again—Bea Norwood.

  At the end of every night, Connor still came into my room and reminded me who I belonged to, but with Liam back, I was ready to endure it all. He gave me strength where I normally had none. He was a ray of light in the darkness. He was the savior I always wished I had.

  But that didn’t make it any easier. Having Liam so close meant Connor was more aggressive and angrier than usual. He didn’t try to hide his marks like he’s usually done over the years. That need that I’ve had for six years, to hide from the world inside my room, to hide what he’s been doing to me from my friends and my family is all consuming. But with Liam back…I find it harder than usual to keep my distance. It’s risky, but it’s worth it. Laying in his arms beneath the stars is always worth it. I’ll take whatever Connor dishes out, so long as I get to keep Liam in my life. If that means getting creative and hiding the marks Connor has left on my body? So be it.

  My mom and Richard even stopped home for two weeks to visit in between their next trip. With Thanksgiving just around the corner, they wanted to spend time with their kids. It felt good seeing them and seeing the look on my mother’s face when she noticed my hair and wardrobe change. She looked at me like a mother should always look at her daughter, like she was proud. I basked in her approval. All she wanted to do was take me out—to dinner, to get our nails and toes done—anything to make up for the loss of six years of mother daughter bonding time.

  Classes at the college were going well and my job at the library was still as easy as ever. On my days off I always found time to spend with Melody and Myrah, the two constants in my life that I was certain I never wanted to lose. I split my time between the two girls only because I knew Myrah wasn’t ready to share me with someone else. Her logic was three’s a crowd and she didn’t want to ruin the dynamic we had going, especially after six years of no contact. I think she still wanted to enjoy our friendship, just the two of us, for now. In all honesty, I think I preferred it this way. When I was with Myrah, it was like I was regaining my old self back, doing all the things I should’ve done, but when I was with Melody, she helped me heal in ways no one else could. She was the only one who truly knew everything about me and the dark secrets I was keeping. I didn’t want to mix the two most important
people in my life for purely selfish reasons. And I’m okay with that.

  Reconnecting with Myrah was like being given a second chance. She accepted my faults, and my issues like any best friend would—with open arms and a smile on her face. She worked hard daily, conspiring to get me and Liam back together. I’ve tried to tell her that he was better off with the other woman in his life. She could give him things I probably never would. But Myrah was adamant that what they had didn’t hold a candle to us. But it was obvious Liam had a close relationship with the woman back home. He often excused himself when she called and would be unavailable for a while.

  I tried not to let it get to me, but it was an impossible task. If I could rewind time, things would be different between us. So incredibly different. It would’ve been me, who was so important he was willing to drop everything for. It made me angry—especially at Connor. He was the root and cause of this.

  All of it.

  But I knew deep down, I was too. I should’ve been stronger. I wish I was stronger, because even though I was following Melody’s advice, I didn’t know if I’d ever make it out of my predicament alive.

  After spending a chilly evening with Liam at the field, he drove us home to have dinner with Myrah. This has become a new tradition as of late. Between both of our schedules, spending time together was so much harder than it was when were just kids. Sometimes during the week and on the weekends, Liam would head to San Francisco to handle important stuff back home before driving back to Lakeport to see Myrah. I knew he had a life back home, although I still wasn’t sure what he did for a living, but I knew he had obligations, so any chance we got to spend together, we took advantage of it.

  The leaves have changed from vibrant green to rust colored. The trees now looked like autumn gold—a riot of color—and the air was cooler, with just a hint of earthiness. With Thanksgiving coming up, I wanted to ask him to stay. To spend the day with me and Myrah. It was selfish and stupid. He had his own life and family back in San Francisco. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Having him here, so close, was still messing with my head.

  After enjoying a large combination pizza, and a bottle of wine, Myrah went up to bed to get ready for work tomorrow, leaving me and Liam alone together. I found myself spending as much time away from home as possible. A few times, I even slept here overnight because it gave me an out with Connor. It was one solid, blissful night I didn’t have to endure his degradation. But every night I stayed away from home, he made sure I paid for it—dearly.

  “What’s one of the things you wish you could’ve done?” Liam asks randomly, lounging on the couch next to me. I turn my attention away from the movie we were watching to look at him. With his dark brown hair hanging haphazardly over his intriguing eyes, I can’t help but smile. Every time I look at him, he makes my heart beat faster. The butterflies in my stomach are ever present when he’s around.

  I close my eyes, really thinking about his question, even though on some level I already know the answer.

  “Prom,” I say, voice laced with sadness. “I wish I could go back and have a prom.”

  When I open my eyes, I find him staring at me with an unfamiliar expression on his face. I used to be able to read him so well, but six years apart changes a lot of things.

  “You didn’t go to prom?”

  I shake my head thinking back. “You left before prom your senior year, and I…” My voice cracks. I clear my throat, pushing past the sadness. “My senior year I avoided everything,” I say with more strength than I feel and a hint of regret lacing my voice.

  I hate how much power Connor has had over my life. How weak I’ve been because of him and the things he’s done.

  “If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t go to my prom either.”

  “Why not?”

  He shrugs his shoulders. “There was only one girl I wanted there with me, and she was three hours away.”

  I can’t fight the grin that spreads across my face at his response. Liam stares at me intently, that famous crooked grin that I love twisting his mouth. His eyes drop to my lips.

  “I love it when you smile.”

  Such a simple sentence, but his words make my stomach dip. His eyes ignite with a heat that warms me from head to toe. Slowly, he inches toward me, the intent clear in his eyes. My heart tries to pound its way out of my chest the closer he gets. When I feel his breath on my face, I feel high, like my body isn’t my own. He runs the pad of his thumb over my lips in a feather light touch that leaves them tingling. They itch for more, more pressure, more anything, as long as Liam is the one giving it to me.

  My breath catches in my throat as his lips lightly graze mine. The smell of peppermint infiltrates my senses and for a brief second, I want to cry, not sad tears, but happy. The happiest tears I can muster. My breath is heavy and labored as he teases his mouth over mine, in a whisper soft manner.

  “Holy shit.”

  Liam and I whip our heads toward Myrah who’s standing on the front stoop of the stairs with a goofy grin on her face. Out of the corner of my eye I see Liam shoo her away with a flick of his wrist and I force back a laugh as Myrah’s eyes widen and she starts scurrying up the stairs.

  “Sorry! Have fun you two.” She tosses over her shoulder and this time, I do laugh. Liam stares after her retreating form with what can only be described as a look of murder etched onto his face.

  Finally, he turns his attention back to me, and I still see the heat there, clear as day.

  “I should go,” I whisper in an unconvincing voice.

  “I’m going to kill her,” he grumbles, making me chuckle.

  “It’s getting late anyway.”

  Liam nods his head, helping me stand to my feet. Like the gentleman he is, he helps me gather my stuff and walks me out the door. We stand on the stoop staring at each other. My legs clench with the wave of burning need that’s consuming my body.

  “Goodnight, Liam.”

  He traces his hand down the side of my cheek reverently. “Goodnight, sweet B.”

  His hand cups my cheek and before I know it, his warm mouth is on me. He kisses me half on the mouth, half on the cheek with a soft lingering kiss, and I just about die. The burning need to feel his whole mouth on mine, capturing my own is stronger than my need to breathe. I almost stoop low enough to beg him for more—for anything really—but somehow, I summon the strength to walk inside without resorting to begging.

  I’m on my way back home from a meeting with my agent, Brent. I spent Thanksgiving back home with my parents who now live in Frisco, the Pacific Heights area. They were happy to see me, as usual, since I don’t have time to visit as often as I’d like.

  I only have two and a half months left before spring training for the upcoming season starts up again. When I first got here, I only planned on staying for a month, just to visit Myrah and catch up, but things are different now. I have Bea. The girl who slipped through my fingers. The girl who still held my heart in the palm of her tiny hand despite all the years that have passed.

  I was making progress with her, I felt it in the way she moved, the way she talked, even the way she looked at me—she was opening up. Every time she let me hold her hand, or pull her into my arms, even the times my lips have grazed hers; I’ve felt it, that blockade built around her heart was slowly chipping away. I couldn’t leave, not now, or anytime soon.

  The attraction between us was still there, it hung thick in the air whenever we were near each other. Even though so much time had passed, my heart still beat for her. I wanted her in more ways than one—but most of all, I wanted to save her from whatever dark secret she’s been keeping. The overwhelming urge to protect her consumed me, it drove me fucking insane how protective of her I had become.

  The shrill ringing of my cell snaps me out of my thoughts of Bea that have been consuming all of my time, as of late. My gaze shifts to the name flashing on the screen and I blow out a breath.

  “Hello?”

  “So, how’s it
going?” Emery asks, no greeting required.

  Ignoring her question, I divert instead. “So, when should I expect you for the BBQ?”

  Every time Emery calls, she always asks how it’s going with Bea. She knows I’ve been spending all my time with her, and quite frankly, it’s uncomfortable discussing Bea with her. She’s my best friend and I love her to death, but I know this can’t be easy on her.

  I feel like a fucking dick.

  “You’re diverting. Why?” she replies immediately, calling me out.

  “I’m not.”

  “Bullshit. You are,” she accuses, then blows out a sigh. “You can tell me Liam…I know what this girl means to you. I just want to know how it’s going, that’s all.”

  Huffing out an exaggerated breath, I grind my teeth together. “If you must know, it’s going as good as can be expected. There’s a lot of shit she’s not telling me, but it almost feels like…” I trail off trying to find the right words.

  “Like it used to back then?” she asks, a hint of sadness in her tone. I slam my eyes shut feeling guilty for sharing this with her.

  “Yeah. Exactly,” I sigh truthfully.

  “Good. I’m happy for you,” she says in a chipper voice, changing her tune. “And I’ll be there tomorrow morning. I expect a town car and a five-star meal will be waiting?”

  A chuckle vibrates in my chest. “Goodbye, Emery.”

  Just as I’m pulling into the driveway, I spot Bea climbing out of her car parked at the curb in front of her house. Her caramel waves tumble down her back, and her beautiful milky skin has a golden tint to it now that we’ve been spending time outdoors together. The electricity hums in the air and it’s as if she senses it, turning on her heel she faces me, and a smile spreads across her beautiful face. It’s one of those shy smiles that has blood roaring through my veins and my heart racing. My dick twitches in my pants and I almost groan.