The Secret Life of Mac

by Melinda Metz

  “Fortunately, Nate’s crazy enough to care about more than money,” Rich said. “I’m going to write a poem for him.” He reached for his notebook. “Not a limerick. An ode.”

  Regina patted his knee. “Perfect. A poem of praise that often expresses deep feelings. You deserve one, Nate.”

  Caleb left his position in front of the door and joined Nate in front of Archie—Archer—and Eliza. “You realize you’re going to be charged with attempted murder.”

  “Those chemicals wouldn’t have killed anyone,” Archie protested. “They were only strong enough to make people sick. Eliza did the research.”

  “Shut up!” Eliza elbowed him in the ribs hard enough to make him grunt.

  “As you so eloquently pointed out at the meeting, food poisoning is especially risky for the elderly,” Caleb told Eliza.

  “You S.O.B.! You could have killed Peggy.” Nate noticed that Peggy was the only one Gib mentioned, even though he’d been poisoned himself.

  “I didn’t use anyth—” Archie stopped mid-word, head jerking toward the window.

  Nate realized what had gotten Archie’s attention. The sound of a siren coming closer.

  “I guess I should have asked for the police instead of an ambulance when I called nine-one-one,” Briony said.

  * * *

  More than three hours later, it was over. The group watched through the window as two police officers escorted Eliza and Archer to a squad car. They were being taken in for questioning.

  Nate and the others returned to their seats without speaking, overwhelmed and exhausted. The only sound was Mac’s rumbling purr. Nate didn’t think he’d stopped purring once since he’d snatched off Archer’s wig.

  Gib finally broke the silence. “Good night, nurse, as Archie would say.” He shook his head.

  “Archer, you mean,” Briony reminded him.

  “Good night, nurse?” Ruby repeated.

  “Archie used as much crazy slang as you and Riley do when you’re pretending to be cowboys,” Briony explained.

  “What is it even supposed to mean?” Ruby asked.

  “It’s an exclamation of surprise, often used in place of a cussword.” Regina smoothed her hair, although it was already perfect. “I don’t believe the origin is known, although some think it started with a silent movie of that name, where Fatty Arbuckle dressed up as a nurse and flirted with Buster Keaton. Others think it started during World War One, and was simply a good night to a nurse in a military hospital.”

  “She’s right. Of course.” Rich held up his cell. “It’s on a list of expressions from the nineteen-twenties. First thing that popped up when I Googled it. Should have known not to bother looking it up with Regina around. Archer used almost everything on the list while he was playing the part of an old man. He went back a few too many decades.”

  “I found his crazy expressions charming,” Janet admitted. “I feel like such an idiot.”

  “We all thought he was great,” Peggy told her. “It wasn’t just you.”

  “I didn’t think he was so great. But I had no idea what he was up to,” Gib admitted. “You know who did, though?” He pointed at Mac.

  “He’s a delightful kitty cat,” Peggy answered. “But that’s impossible.”

  Gib stood up. “I’ll prove it. I just need to go home and get something.”

  “I’ll take you over,” Hope volunteered.

  “I’ll go too,” Max said.

  Nate stretched his arms over his head, trying to relieve the tension in his shoulders. “Strange day.”

  “Long, good, bad, hard, strange,” Briony said from beside him, speaking so softly only he could hear. Heat flooded his body just thinking about that night. He wished he could make everyone else in the room disappear. What he wanted most, what he needed, was to be alone with her. Not just so he could touch her, although he badly wanted to touch her, but so he could talk to her. That night in the kitchen, drinking wine, he’d told her things he hadn’t thought he’d ever share with someone who wasn’t family.

  Being alone would have to wait. Nate could tell the others felt the need to stay together, at least a little longer. Maybe he should order pizzas for everyone, although LeeAnne would probably throw a fit if he suggested it. She’d want to cook.

  Nate looked over at his sister and found her looking back at him, just as he’d known she would be. It was a twin thing. “You owe Dad an apology,” Nathalie told him. “A big one.”

  “Yeah, Dad’s never done a single bad thing,” he shot back, but almost immediately he relented. No matter what his father had done, Nate had to tell him the truth and apologize. He’d been wrong to accuse his dad of sabotage. “I’ll talk to him, I promise.” Nathalie nodded, satisfied.

  “Is anybody hungry?” LeeAnne asked. “We can move to the kitchen. I’ll make anything anybody wants.” Nate smiled. Did he know her or what?

  “Does that include—” Rich began.

  He was interrupted by Gib, Max, and Hope returning to the room. Gib carried a paper shopping bag, which he upended over the coffee table. He fished out a ragged piece of thin latex with patches of white hair and pulled it onto his head. “Look familiar?” he asked. “Keep in mind it’s been used as a cat toy by our friend.” Gib gestured to Mac, who’d curled up on Peggy’s lap. “This will help.” Gib stuck what looked like a fuzzy gray caterpillar over one eyebrow.

  “He must have had to make a replacement wig after Mac made off with that one.” Rich chuckled.

  “He made new eyebrows too,” Janet said. “I thought he’d done manscaping on them, but he must have mistakenly made the newer pair thinner.”

  Ruby picked a piece of sponge off the table, then gave it a sniff. Mac’s purring grew louder, something Nate hadn’t thought was possible. “Schram Foam Latex, talc, plus some cake foundation. He knew what he was doing.”

  “What is all the rest of this, anyway?” Peggy gestured to the small mound of items on the coffee table. “That looks like one of my socks.” She pulled a pink sock with daisies on it from somewhere near the bottom. Then she flushed and snatched a deep purple bra. She balled it up and shoved it into her bag. Nate pretended not to notice. So did everyone else. Even Rich. Regina was obviously having an influence on him.

  “You should know that Mac is a diabolical matchmaker,” Ruby told them. “He got two of my friends together by stealing socks and whatnot from one of them and bringing it to the other. He also got two teenagers at Storybook Court together in pretty much the same way. Oh, and a truly annoying man, who turned out to have a heart of melted butter, ended up with our mail carrier, all thanks to Mac. I don’t know how he does it, but he seems to be able to sense which people belong together. It seems like he’s added detective to his résumé,” she added.

  “You talked to me for the first time after Mac made me spill coffee on myself!” Hope reminded Max. She flushed. “Not that that means . . .”

  “I’d been wanting to talk to you since the first day of our first class,” Max told her. “I owe the cat a thank-you present.”

  “A few cans of sardines would do it. He can’t get enough of them.” Gib shot a fast look at Peggy, then looked away just as quickly.

  “He brought me your key chain, the one with the picture of your grandkids,” Peggy said to Gib, then looked down at Mac while she stroked his head.

  “You two would make an adorable couple,” Janet said. She looked over at Richard and Regina. “What about you two? Did Mac have anything to do with how you can suddenly tolerate each other?”

  Regina tilted her head to one side, considering. “He did make sure I read a sonnet that had me thinking Rich had hidden depths beneath some truly atrocious clothing.”

  Rich laughed. “I might owe the feline a few cans of sardines, too.”

  “If I give him some sardines in advance, you think he’d work some cat magic for me?” Janet asked. “Since Archie is out of the picture?”

  “You never had a chance with—” Regina began, then s
topped herself. “I think it’s worth a try. He’s a very intuitive kitty, don’t you think so, Peggy?”

  Peggy looked at Gib. “I think he has it wrong with me and Michael.”

  “Michael? Who’s Michael?” Janet asked.

  “Gib. Michael Gibson,” Peggy explained. “We went to high school for four years, and he never even spoke to me.”

  “Not s-speaking doesn’t necessarily mean not interested,” Max said.

  “Really?” Peggy looked at Gib, not Max, when she asked the question.

  “Really,” Gib answered. “If you’d go out to dinner with me sometime, I’d buy the cat a damn sardine factory.”

  Peggy laughed. “Well, get out your checkbook.”

  Gib beamed. That was the only word for it.

  “I’m glad he decided to start visiting The Gardens.” Nate reached over and took Briony’s hand. “Who knows how things might have turned out without him around.”

  One year later

  Nate guided the pink Cadillac convertible into the Little White Wedding Chapel’s Tunnel of Love. “How’re you feeling?” he asked Briony.

  “Wonderful!” She smiled up at the stars and cherubs painted on the ceiling. “I could have walked down an aisle twelve miles long without a problem. I could have danced down the aisle. Roller-skated!”

  “Maybe we should renew our vows here,” Jamie said from the back seat.

  “We just finished celebrating our first anniversary,” David protested, laughing.

  “Who cares? I think we should renew every year. Every month! I want to celebrate pretty much constantly. Right, Mac?” She cuddled the kitty, who sat in her lap, wearing a black tuxedo tie. Nate wore a full tuxedo, and Briony had on a dress with a nipped-in waist and a wide skirt with an overlay of tulle, which he knew because he’d heard her, Jamie, and Ruby endlessly discussing it. Really, all he cared about was getting her out of it. He’d let her talk him into taking a month-long sex break so their honeymoon would be extra special.

  He pulled up to the window where the minister was waiting for them. They’d debated going with an Elvis impersonator, but Briony had decided she wanted a little bit of tradition and had asked the chapel to let her bring in her own minister from back home. Nate had let her make all the decisions. He wanted to marry her. He didn’t care about the trimmings, and he’d enjoyed watching how much pleasure Briony took in making dozens and dozens of choices, including having David and Jamie—and Mac—as their witnesses.

  The exchange of vows took less than two minutes; then he got to kiss her. Every time he kissed her, he didn’t think it was possible for it to get better, but somehow it did. This just-married kiss might hold the record for the rest of his life. Or maybe each kiss would top the last as-long-as-they-both-shall-lived.

  He circled the Caddy around to the entrance of the tunnel. A Vegas-era Elvis replaced Nate behind the wheel. Briony helped Peggy get the full skirt of her long champagne-colored dress with white flower appliques—according to what Nate had been hearing—into the back seat.

  “You’re up,” Nate told Gib. Gib got in next to Peggy; then Jamie passed Mac over to him. They’d had to have Mac as an attendant, too, since he’d played such a big part in getting them together. Peggy was actually wearing the pink daisy socks as her “something old.”

  Elvis started the pink Cadillac through the tunnel, and Briony, Nate, Jamie, and David returned to the parking lot. Most of the residents of The Gardens had come to Vegas for the ceremonies on party busses. Some threw handfuls of flower petals at Nate and Briony, while others blew iridescent soap bubbles.

  Nathalie rushed over to them and managed to wrap them both in a hug, Lyle and Lyla joining the huddle a moment later. “I’m so happy for you!” she exclaimed. “Although I’m the older twin. That means I should be getting married first.”

  He shook his head. His sister had become so much more involved in The Gardens and so much better at taking charge of her life over the past year, but he suspected she’d always be a little on the self-centered side.

  “You’re going to be getting married to Caleb, so you shouldn’t whine,” Lyla told her mother.

  “Lyla! Caleb and I haven’t talked about marriage!” She looked over at Caleb, who was helping LeeAnne and her staff get the tailgate reception food organized.

  “You talk about everything else,” Lyla answered. “She texts him almost every day, and they have these long conversations a couple nights a week.”

  “After you’re asleep—so I thought,” Nathalie said.

  “Look! They’re coming out!” LeeAnne called as Elvis pulled the Caddy back to the entrance of the tunnel.

  “Our turn,” Rich told Regina.

  “She looks so beautiful,” Briony said. “So elegant.”

  Regina wore a knee-length cream suit with touches of pink and a large pink hat. “She does, but not as beautiful as you,” Nate agreed as he watched Max get behind the wheel to chauffeur his grandfather and Regina to the chapel’s drive-thru window. Hope sat beside him, holding Mac.

  “He must really love her,” Briony continued. “That tuxedo could have come right off James Bond. Except for the tie.” It was bright pink and covered with black pawprints.

  “That’s extremely understated for him, and all to please Regina,” Nate answered. “Although I got a look at his honeymoon pajamas. I hope she brought her sunglasses.”

  “Here come the parents,” Briony announced. “At least my mom can stop sending me articles about how dangerous Vegas is.”

  Nate knew sticking to her decision to have their wedding in Las Vegas had been hard for Briony. He was proud of her for going with her gut, even when it meant going against her mom’s wishes. And while Briony’s mother looked a little nervous, she also beamed as she hugged first Briony, then him.

  “Great venue, Briony,” her dad said; then it was his turn to kiss the bride. “I love it. And I love you.”

  “I love you, too, Dad,” she answered.

  Then Nate’s parents were up. His mom hugged him tight, tight, tight. His dad hesitated, then hugged him, too. They hadn’t reached the state where a hug felt natural, but they were getting there. When his dad had had trouble finding a job, Nate had taken him on at The Gardens. He’d made him start as a busboy, which he now had to admit was kind of a jerk move, but he’d wanted to be sure his father was going to stick around, and when he did Nate had bumped him up to assistant activities director. The ladies seemed to love him even more than they had Archie, the Archie created by Kenneth Archer. Nate wondered if the man was able to charm his fellow inmates so easily.

  “Anyone else want to take a ride through the tunnel? My treat!” Rich called as he got out of the Caddy. Nate caught his dad shooting a look at his mom.

  His mother shook a finger at him. “Oh no. You are still on roommate status,” she said. They were technically still married, but his mother wasn’t treating him like a husband. “If you continue to behave yourself, maybe we’ll come visit the chapel for ourselves one day.”

  Nate found that he didn’t hate the idea of his parents getting back together at some point. About six months ago, his dad had moved back into the family house, and Nate could see that his mom was happier with him around. She got out more, going to a lot of the events his father organized at The Gardens. They’d even started taking salsa lessons together. But his mother, like Nate, had needed time before she could completely trust Nate’s father again.

  “I just realized I forgot to ask you the question I always ask people when I first meet them,” Ruby said to Briony as she joined them.

  “Let’s hear it,” Briony said.

  “If your life was a movie, what would it be called?” Ruby asked.

  Briony raised her eyebrows. “My answer will be so different today than it would have been back then.” She took Nate’s hand. “What do you think? My life and your life are going to have even more overlap now.”

  Nate had hired Briony to work at The Gardens, too, mostly so he could get
her to stay in LA when her cat-sitting gig ended, but also because with Briony doing the accounting, Nate actually had time to take care of the plants and make some additions to The Gardens’ gardens.

  He considered the question. “I think it’s going to have to have ‘Cat’ in the title somewhere. We never would have met without MacGyver.”

  “I agree,” Briony said. “If everyone would just follow Mac’s orders, the world would be a happier place.”

  “Orders, that’s about right.” Jamie joined them with Mac in her arms. “He doesn’t ask; he tells. He’s extremely bossy.”

  “I’ve got it.” Nate gave Mac’s head a stroke, and Mac gave Nate one of those slow blinks of his. “The movie should be Obey the Paw.”

  “Love it!” Jamie exclaimed.

  Briony reached over and scratched Mac under the chin. “Me too. I don’t want to think about what my life would be like if Mac hadn’t become my people sitter.”

  Keep reading for a special excerpt of

  Talk to the Paw

  by Melinda Metz.

  Inspired by the true story of a Portland, Oregon, cat who stole from his neighbors—and stole America’s heart. . . .

  SHE’S PUTTING HER LOVE LIFE ON PAWS

  Jamie Snyder is thirty-four and single but not ready to mingle. After suffering through The Year of the Non-Committal Man, The Year of the Self-Absorbed Man, and The Year of the Forgot-to-Mention-I’m-Married Man, Jamie’s ready to celebrate The Year of Me—and MacGyver, of course. MacGyver is an adorable tabby with a not-so-adorable habit of sneaking out at night and stealing things from the neighbors. That’s right, MacGyver is a cat burglar. He’s still the only male Jamie trusts—and the only companion she needs....

  BUT HER CAT HAS OTHER IDEAS

  MacGyver knows his human is lonely. He can smell it. It’s the same smell he’s noticed on their neighbor David, a handsome young baker who’s tired of his friends trying to fix him up. But now MacGyver’s on the case. First, he steals something from David and stashes it at Jamie’s. Then, he steals something from Jamie and leaves it with David. Before long, the two are swapping stolen goods, trading dating horror stories, and trying not to fall in love. But they’re not fooling MacGyver. When humans generate this much heat, the cat is out of the bag....