Rise of the Slippery Sea Monster

by Gareth P. Jones

  “It takes a wise man to devise a brilliant plan, but any old fool to muck it up,” the duke replied. “Thanks to your repeated incompetence, we are cleaning up after these royal rodents, while those tin-can terrors roam free.”

  Admiral Fussington stood up straight. “I don’t think they are rodents, technically speaking.” He held up the dustpan. “Do you have any more of those little bags?”

  “Admiral Fussington, you beef-headed buffoon, the Iron Duke is a name that strikes fear into a thousand hearts! I am a master of the ocean! No, I do not have any more poo bags.”

  “Duke! Admiral!” yelled the king from the other side of the bush. “I’m afraid that Mr Pitt the Younger has a rather upset tummy. I blame the prunes he had for breakfast. Anyhow, there’s more scooping needed.”

  “He’ll have more than an upset tummy once I’m through with the miserable mutt,” snarled the Iron Duke.

  “What was that?” called the king. “Did you say something, Duke?”

  “We’ll be right there,” said Admiral Fussington.

  “Excellent,” said the king. “Remember, if you do a good job, I may allow you to return to my navy one day.”

  “But, Your Majesty—” said the Iron Duke.

  “Silence.” The king cut him off. “As it is, I shall shortly be setting sail to the Americas without you.”

  “But that is a dangerous route. You’ll be sailing through pirate waters,” said Admiral Fussington. “Who will protect you?”

  “I’m taking Corporal Thudchump.”

  “Thudchump?” barked the duke. “But the man’s an idiot.”

  “In my experience, it takes one to know one,” the king replied.

  “But, Your Majesty,” said the Iron Duke. “I am begging you—”

  The king interrupted him. “The only begging I want to see is from my precious pooches. Now, come forth and pick up this poo, or I shall keep you scooping poop until you are too old to stoop.”

  “Yo ho, down below!” cried Blower from the crow’s nest, as they sailed away from the desert island where they had left Mainspring. “Pirate ship ahoy and it’s sailing straight towards us.”

  “You hear that, my salty seacogs?” yelled Captain Clockheart. “Load the cannons, but hold your fire. We’ll give them no excuse to attack … but we’ll be ready if they do.”

  Gadge pulled out his extendable telescopic eye to get a better look.

  “What can you see, Mr Gadge?” asked the captain.

  “Looks like a pretty standard ragbag mix of scallywags,” he said. “Hold on. Och, now there’s a familiar face and a few familiar tentacles, too… It’s Inkybeard!”

  “Squid head’s back!” squawked Twitter. “Squid head’s back!”

  “The Dread Captain Inkybeard.” Lexi’s word-wheel span and clicked. “The infamous pirate captain with—”

  “A squid called Nancy on his head. Yes, yes, we know,” interrupted Captain Clockheart.2 However, as the nameless ship drew alongside the Leaky Battery, it became apparent that the creature resting on top of Captain Inkybeard’s black hair was not a squid, but an octopus.

  “New friend, Inkybeard?” said Captain Clockheart.

  “Yes, this is Nell, me new wife,” replied the pirate.

  “What happened to Nancy?” asked Pendle.

  The octopus squeezed the tentacle that was wrapped around Inkybeard’s neck, cutting off his windpipe. She allowed him to struggle for a moment then released her grip.

  Inkybeard took a deep breath. “Ouch. I’ll ask you not to mention that name. Nell gets ever so jealous, so she does. She’s a little possessive.”

  “So are we,” added one of Inkybeard’s pirates, with black teeth and a striped bandana. “And we want our treasure back.”

  Inkybeard waved his cutlass at the pirate. “Quiet. As captain, Inkybeard will do the asking. Now, Clockheart, what have you done with my treasure?”

  “What treasure?” said Captain Clockheart.

  “Captain, look.” Pendle pointed to a perfectly round hole in the side of Inkybeard’s ship. A few planks of wood had been nailed over it, but it looked like the job had been done in a hurry.

  “Yes, we woke up this morning to find someone had pilfered our haul,” said Inkybeard. “And we know it was you what took it! Yours is the only ship for miles around.”

  “We know the rules, laddie,” said Gadge. “Pirates don’t steal from fellow pirates.”

  “And we know that there is no such thing as a fellow pirate,” said Inkybeard. “Eh, Nancy?” A tentacle squeezed his shoulder. “Ow! Nell, I meant Nell.”

  “We didn’t take your stinking treasure,” said Captain Clockheart.

  “That’s right,” said Pendle. “The same thing happened to us.”

  “Enough excuses!” said Inkybeard. “Now, we’re going to board your ship and retrieve our stolen loot, ain’t we, lads?”

  Inkybeard’s brutish pirates picked up muskets, pistols and cutlasses. They lowered a boarding plank and a heavily tattooed pirate stepped on to it.

  “If it’s a fight you be wanting, you’ve come to the right place.” Captain Clockheart jabbed his cutlass towards the pirate, who toppled into the ocean. “My marvellous metal marauders, defend our ship!”

  The Steampunk Pirates grabbed their weapons and prepared to fight, but just then a voice from above cried, “Wait!”

  Both crews looked up to see a young man with wavy brown hair, smart stripy trousers and a fashionable shirt.

  Once he had everyone’s attention, the boy leaped from his position halfway up the main mast on Inkybeard’s ship, with his arms outstretched. He fell for a moment, then grabbed a rope and swung over to the jib. He used the sail to swing on to a crossbeam, spun round it twice, then soared into the air before landing gracefully on the deck beside Inkybeard. Everyone watched open-mouthed.

  “Ah, Kidd, my boy,” said Inkybeard, patting him on the back affectionately. “We’re about to wreak our revenge on this shipload of steam-heads and take back our treasure.”

  “With all due respect, Dread Captain Inkybeard, sir, and apologies for speaking out of turn,” said the boy. “I realize I am only an ever-so-humble cabin boy, but I do not think these iron gentlemen are to blame for our missing treasure.”

  “Who is this wordy youngster, Inkybeard?” asked Captain Clockheart.

  “This be our cabin boy,” said Inkybeard.

  Kidd walked along the ship’s plank, bounced a couple of times then performed a triple somersault in the air and landed on the Leaky Battery.

  “The name’s Kidd. You’ve probably heard of me.”

  “No,” said Pendle.

  “Really? They say I’m the best pirate’s cabin boy in the ocean. I’ve served on more pirate ships than you have barnacles on your keel. The Black Skull, the Flying Pig, the Cutty Razor, the Pimply Bottom… I’ve sailed on them all.”

  “Aye, Kidd, but where’s our treasure if it’s not on their ship?” said Inkybeard.

  “Oh yes, the treasure,” said Kidd. “I was considering this mysterious theft when I remembered a leaflet I was recently handed in Barbary Bay.” He pulled out a rolled-up parchment from his back pocket.

  Captain Clockheart snatched it then handed it to Lexi to read out.

  2 Lexi was actually about to say: “The Dread Captain Inkybeard, the infamous pirate captain with a reputation for sinking his own ships at the first sign of mutiny.”

  When Lexi had finished reading the poem, he looked up and said, “It does fit with what happened to us.”

  “Hold on,” said Gadge. “If it was this monster that took our treasure then Mainspring was wrongly convicted.”

  The Steampunk Pirates gasped in disbelief, but Pendle sighed. “Of course he was,” she said. “That trial was about as fair as Inkybeard’s black beard, but a sea monster that steals gold? It’s ridiculous. And why would it cut such round holes?”

  “Sea monster…” Lexi’s word-wheel clicked into action. “A mythological creature said to dw
ell in the ocean, often the source of fear and superstition among sailors.”

  Captain Clockheart stroked his spring beard thoughtfully. “I say we hunt down this creature and give him a taste of the sharp end of our cutlasses.”

  Kidd jumped up and grabbed a boom, then hoisted himself up on to it. “Fellow pirates, I have a cunning scheme to suggest.”

  He scampered up the rigging of the Leaky Battery and took hold of a rope hanging from the crow’s nest. Then he swung round the mast and landed with one foot on each ship. Once again, his acrobatic display drew astonished “Oohs” and “Ahhs” from pirates on both ships.

  “We know that this slippery sea monster hunts in these waters,” said Kidd. “So we’ll need bait to coax it out.”

  “Don’t worry, Nell. He don’t mean you.” Inkybeard threw a tankard of water over the octopus then turned back to Kidd. “You don’t mean her, do you?”

  “He means treasure,” said Pendle.

  “Ain’t both ships cleared out of treasure?” asked Captain Clockheart.

  “Yes,” said Kidd, “but if Inkybeard loots another merchant ship then takes his ill-gotten booty to Rotten Apple Harbour, we’ll have the perfect thing to lure this monster out.”

  “Looting and luring is all very well, so long as it’s followed by a bit of blasting and sinking,” said Captain Clockheart.

  “No,” said Kidd. “We must allow the monster to steal the treasure.”

  “What?” said Inkybeard. “Rob us a second time. Why?”

  “Because we need to locate the monster’s lair and retrieve our gold. The Leaky Battery will be waiting nearby to watch the monster get the treasure. According to that rhyme, it’ll leave a trail of bubbles, which will lead us all the way back to its lair.”

  “But what if the rhyme isn’t accurate? And what if—” Lexi was cut off by a sharp bash to the head from Captain Clockheart that instantly shut him down.

  “Now is no time for what ifs,” Captain Clockheart said. “This monster took our treasure. Now we’re going to take it back. This plan be to my liking, Master Kidd.”

  “Lexi is right. This is a bad idea,” said Pendle.

  “Bad idea! Bad idea!” repeated Twitter.

  “Ah, but you said that about leaving Mainspring on an island,” said Captain Clockheart dismissively.

  “Yes, and I was right about that, too! He’s innocent!” protested Pendle. “We should be getting our first mate back, rather than working with this kid who we don’t even know.”

  “Now, Pendle lad, I know you’re jealous of this cabin boy…”

  “Pendle’s jealous!” squawked Twitter. “Pendle’s jealous!”

  “No, I’m not,” Pendle replied.

  “There’s no need to be jealous.” Kidd jumped down between the ships, grabbed the end of the Leaky Battery’s plank and flipped himself back up again. He landed next to Pendle. “Like yourself, I am just an ever-so-humble cabin boy.”

  “Ha, I like the cut of Master Kidd’s jib,” said Captain Clockheart.

  “This is all very well,” said Inkybeard, “but if we end up with a fresh hole in our hull while you bunch of bashed-up buccaneers go after the monster, what’s to stop you running off with all the treasure?”

  “My word,” said Captain Clockheart, offering his hand.

  “And our honour,” added Gadge.

  “Inkybeard don’t hold much weight in the words and honour of pirates,” said Inkybeard. “We wants a guarantee you’ll come back.”

  “What kind of guarantee?” asked Gadge.

  “I know… We’ll take your cabin boy,” replied Inkybeard. “We knows how valuable Pendle is to you. He mends your broken bits, oils your joints and maintains that engine of yours. We’ll keep him till you return with our half of the treasure.”

  “All right,” said Captain Clockheart. “So long as we get our lad back.”

  “And since there is no need for two cabin boys on one ship,” said Kidd. “I will sail with the Steampunk Pirates. I’d be honoured to add the Leaky Battery to the list of great pirate ships upon which I have served.”

  “Then we have a deal,” said Captain Clockheart.

  “But, Captain—” began Pendle.

  “Don’t worry, lad, it won’t be for long,” Captain Clockheart said.

  Kidd winked at Pendle. “Please allow me to show you around your new ship. Don’t worry, this crew may look like a band of ruthless rogues, but they serve their purpose. I wouldn’t get on the wrong side of them though, if I were you.”

  Pendle looked into Kidd’s sparkling brown eyes. “I’ll find my own way,” she said. “Besides, I’ll be back on my own ship soon enough.”

  There was a whirring sound as Lexi came back to life. “I say, what’s going on?”

  “We’re swapping cabin boys then going after the monster to get back our treasure,” said Gadge.

  “Oh dear,” said Lexi. “Is that entirely wise?”

  “Piracy ain’t about wisdom. It’s about boldness, braveness and bashing people on the head,” said Captain Clockheart. “Now, let’s go monster hunting.”

  Marooned on a tiny desert island with only a palm tree for company, Mainspring was alone for the first time in his life. To help cope with this new experience, he had taken to talking to the island’s only other occupant – the tree.

  “Click, now, Mr Tree,” he said. “Tick, we need to work out how to turn my key. Tock, to prevent me from winding down.”

  Mr Tree didn’t respond, but Mainspring nodded as though he was listening intently.

  “Click, what’s that you say? I could ask a passing bird? Tick, there are two problems with that, Mr Tree. Tock, firstly, I haven’t seen a passing bird. Secondly, birds cannot speak.”

  Again, Mainspring paid close attention to the tree’s silent reply.

  “Click, what’s that, you can’t speak either? Tick, why, Mr Tree, you are too modest. You are a most gifted speaker. Tock, now, be a good fellow and wind me up, would you?”

  Mainspring turned around and tried to wedge his key into the trunk. The tree shook and a coconut fell on his head.

  DONK!

  “Click, now, Mr Tree,” said Mainspring. “Tick, there’s no need for that. Tock, let’s try again.”

  He made a second attempt to wedge his key in, but a second coconut landed on his head.

  DONK!

  “Click, if that’s your attitude –” Mainspring wagged his finger furiously at the tree – “Tick, you and I are not going to get on. Tock, not at all.” He grabbed the trunk and shook it violently.

  DONK! DONK! DONK!

  Three more coconuts dropped down. Mainspring’s head was becoming increasingly dented. “Click, you think you’re so great with your big leaves. Tick, well, I’ve got something to tell you. Tock, you’re just a stupid old palm tree on a stupid old island.”

  Mainspring stormed off, but the island was so small that it wasn’t long before he was back in his original spot.

  “Click, I think it’s time for a change around here. Tick, I’ve been talking to the sand and the rock, and we’ve decided that you’ve been ruling this island too long, Mr Tree. Tock, this be mutiny. Mutiny, I say! I’m in charge now. You hear me?”

  First Mate Mainspring drove his cutlass into the tree bark. “Ha!” he cried victoriously.

  The tree made no response.

  Mainspring tried to retrieve his blade, but it was stuck. “If that’s how you want to play it…” Mainspring placed a foot on the trunk and yanked. He pulled with all his weight and finally the cutlass came free. The tree rocked back, causing the final coconut to drop on his head, landing with a DONK!

  The Leaky Battery dropped anchor just along the coast from Rotten Apple Harbour and waited for Inkybeard’s ship to arrive. With the sails rolled up and the engine turned off, the Steampunk Pirates occupied themselves in other ways. Some cleaned the ship or rowed to shore to collect fresh wood. Up in the crow’s nest, Blower played a tin whistle. Gadge sat on the port side of t
he ship, whittling a piece of wood with a sharp knife attachment.

  Kidd proved to be extremely popular with the crew. When he wasn’t swinging from rope to rope in spectacular displays of acrobatics, he was making himself useful. He oiled joints that needed oiling, hammered out dents and listened to the pirates’ grumbles.

  “Good morning, Paddy,” said Kidd cheerfully. “What can I help you with today?”

  “Top o’ the morning to you, young man,” replied Tin-pot Paddy. “I’m in need of a little assistance with my elbow. It squeaks when I do this.” He waved his arm in the air to prove his point.

  “I see,” said Kidd. “And do you need to do that?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Is there any need for you to wave your arm like that?”

  Tin-pot Paddy considered this question for a moment. “There’s not, now you mention it.”

  “Then I have fixed your arm, even though I am but an ever-so-humble cabin boy.” Kidd bowed.

  “Excellent work, Master Kidd.” Captain Clockheart patted him on the back, sending him staggering across the deck.

  “Och, lad, you’re a breath of fresh air around here,” said Gadge, sending a burst of stinking steam from his rear.

  Kidd wafted away the smelly gas. “Talking of fresh air, I think I might go for a swim, if that’s all right with you,” he said.

  “We have a perfectly good rowing boat if you wish to go ashore,” said Captain Clockheart.

  “I’m not going ashore. I swim for fun – it’s relaxing.”

  “Not for us it wouldn’t be, laddie. I’d sink like a stone as soon as I hit the surface,” said Gadge.

  “Mr Richmond Swift, our creator, did not have a seafaring life in mind for us,” said Lexi.

  “Then why did he make you?” Kidd asked.

  “We were designed as servants for the king,” said Lexi.

  “Aye, but we ran away,” added Gadge.