Rise of the Slippery Sea Monster

by Gareth P. Jones

  “Tuh-tuh-tuh-tick, stop talking. Tuh-tuh-tuh-tock, you’re not real.”

  “Not real?” exclaimed the coconut. “Who are you to turn up here and start saying who is and isn’t real?”

  “Cuh-cuh-cuh-click, well, you’re not, are you? Tuh-tuh-tuh-tick, I’m imagining you. Tuh-tuh-tuh-tock, you’re in my mind.”

  “Who’s to say you’re not in my mind?”

  “Cuh-cuh-cuh-click, don’t be silly.”

  “You’re the one talking to a coconut.”

  “Tuh-tuh-tuh-tick, you don’t exist.”

  “So you come here and suddenly we exist. But if you weren’t around, then we probably wouldn’t even make a sound when we hit the ground.”

  “Tuh-tuh-tuh-tock, what?”

  “Well, Mr The-only-one-who-exists, I’ve been doing some calculations,” said the coconut pointedly.

  Mainspring wondered what kind of calculations a coconut was capable of doing.

  “I’ve worked out that you will be completely wound down within the hour.”

  “Cuh-click, within the hour?”

  “That’s right.” The coconut looked about as smug as a coconut is capable of looking. “Then you’ll just be a lifeless lump of metal on a deserted island. This is all your fault, always mutinying and arguing. You even tried to mutiny against Mr Tree here and he’s just a tree.”

  “That was a bit rude,” said the tree.

  Mainspring turned to look at the tree. “Tuh-tick, you mean you can talk, too?” he said.

  “Of course not. I’m a tree,” said the tree.

  Mainspring knew he was imagining the voices, but that didn’t make the coconut’s words any less true. Whether or not he was accused falsely, there was no doubt that he had brought this upon himself with his greed and ambition. As this fact sunk in, a single droplet of oil fell from Mr Mainspring’s eye.

  “You’re crying? Pathetic,” said the coconut. “What would your Grandfather Clock say if he could see you now?”

  “Tuh-tuh-tuh-tock, he would say that there is still time and there is still hope,” replied Mainspring.

  Mainspring was struggling to tell what was real, so he had no idea if the tree really did make a clicking sound then tip all the way over so that its leaves dipped in the ocean, revealing a large hole in the ground. A jet of water shot from the hole, creating a brief rainbow as it showered down into the ocean.

  Mainspring gazed at this beautiful vision in wonder, then he lost his balance and tumbled into the hole. A few moments later, the tree sprang back into place, sealing the hole and leaving Mainspring down at the bottom of the shaft, badly dented and almost completely wound down.

  Kidd’s monster-ship plunged deeper and deeper, until Inkybeard felt his ears pop and the blue sparkle of the sunlit water gave way to blackness.

  All the while, Kidd talked and talked about how brilliant he was to have tracked down Inkybeard. For his part, Inkybeard remained quiet.

  Eventually the engine cut out and the monster-ship came to a standstill. Then he said, “Master Kidd, Nell is wondering where we be now.”

  “The monster’s lair, of course.” Kidd picked up a lantern and held it up to the porthole, so that Inkybeard could see the water outside draining away.

  He gasped. “What wizardry is this?”

  “This is not wizardry. It’s Whizz-Kidd-ry.” Kidd chuckled. “The water is being drained away from the outer cave using a series of pumping air vents that lead to the surface.”

  Inkybeard felt a shudder as the ship settled on the rocky bottom of the underwater cave.

  “Now, would you be so kind as to open the hatch behind you?” Kidd picked up a pistol and pointed it at Inkybeard.

  “Open a hatch in a ship on the belly of the ocean?” said Inkybeard. “Are you madder than me?”

  “Worry not. I designed this all myself,” said Kidd. “Now, the door, please.” Kidd waggled the pistol at him.

  Inkybeard opened the hatch cautiously and then stepped out.

  Kidd followed him with a lamp. Its flickering light filled the cave, allowing Inkybeard to see the outside of the remarkable underwater ship. “Hey, what do you know? It does look like your mother, Nell.”

  Nell squeezed his head.

  “Easy now, girl,” he said. “It was only a joke.”

  “There’s another hatch behind you,” said Kidd. “Go through it.”

  Inkybeard did as he was told. Kidd lit another lamp, revealing a second cave, bigger than the first and rammed full of treasure. Kidd followed Inkybeard inside.

  Inkybeard gasped. “Argh, now this be an impressive haul, to be sure! But why are we here?”

  “To make a deposit.”

  “But you collected no treasure from my ship – just me and Nell.”

  Kidd stood in the doorway, his eyes sparkling. “You are my treasure. You were the pirate who robbed me of my fortune.”

  “And now you intend to share yours with me. Is that it?” Inkybeard chuckled. “That’s very generous of you, lad.”

  “In a way. You will remain in this cave until I come back and decide what to do with you. However, there is no food or water down here and no way out. By the time I return, you’ll be a pile of bones. Goodbye, Captain Inkybeard. Goodbye, Nell.”

  Kidd turned to leave.

  “It just so happens that we remember your father’s ship,” said Inkybeard.

  “You do?” Kidd stopped in the doorway.

  “Aye, I remember it well. Only you’re wrong. Inkybeard never robbed it. The truth is that your old man lost his money before setting sail for England.”

  “What are you blathering about?”

  “Yes, he lost his money in a dubious investment in the Americas.5 But as he crossed the ocean, an idea occurred to him to make money another way. He would become a pirate. He took control of the ship, then grew a long, thick beard as black as ink.”

  “What are you saying?” said Kidd, raising the pistol once more.

  “Old Inkybeard didn’t sink your father, Kidd,” said Inkybeard. “Old Inkybeard is your father.”

  Kidd paused in the doorway and, for a moment, the glint in his eyes dimmed. “Dad?”

  “Barney Kidd, at your service.” Inkybeard offered his hand. “We knew it the moment we met you, but we couldn’t find a way to tell you. You’re our son, Kidd. You’re our boy.” Inkybeard threw his arms open. “Son.”

  Kidd’s eyes blackened with anger. “In which case, you deserve this even more.” He slammed the door shut, leaving Inkybeard and Nell in the gloomy cave.

  5 Those of you who have read The Leaky Battery Sets Sail will be interested to know that the name of the man behind this investment was Chas Goldman. Those of you who haven’t read this excellent novel should do so at once!

  No matter how many times Pendle tried to explain how the tracking device worked, no one except Lexi could understand her. The Leaky Battery had been travelling in the direction of the compass arrow for hours when Gadge finally said, “The ticking on your egg is speeding up, laddie.”

  “That means we’re gaining on the monster.” Pendle surveyed the horizon. “We should be able to see it by now.”

  “Yo ho, island ahead!” yelled Blower.

  “I say, isn’t that where we left Mainspring?” asked Lexi.

  “That be the island, indeed.” Captain Clockheart grabbed a telescope from his belt. “But I see no sign of our first mate.”

  “Never mind old clickerty-tick-tock. What about this monster?” said Gadge. “Pendle, are you sure this egg of yours actually—”

  CRUNCH!

  The Leaky Battery suddenly tilted to the left, sending its crew staggering to the side. Loose barrels and buckets rolled straight over the edge of the ship. One of them knocked Mr Pumps clean off his feet. He would have fallen had Loose-screw not grabbed hold of his bandana and kept him on board.

  On the lower deck, the cannons hit the side of the ship with such force that they crashed through the wood and dropped into the ocean.r />
  “What’s happening?” asked Lexi.

  A pair of twisting tentacles appeared on deck. One of them coiled itself around the main mast, while another sliced into the side of the ship with a spinning blade.

  “It’s the monster,” yelled Rust-knuckles.

  Captain Clockheart tried to slice through a tentacle with his cutlass, but another appeared and clamped around his wrist. More wrapped themselves around his legs.

  “A bit of assistance would be most welcome,” said Captain Clockheart.

  “Right you are, Captain.” Gadge switched to a rifle attachment and fired at the tentacles. They retreated, releasing Captain Clockheart.

  Pendle peered over the side of the ship and saw more tentacles cutting into the ship’s hull. “It’s trying to sink us!”

  “Water in the hold,” came a cry from below.

  “Bail her out,” yelled Captain Clockheart. “Mr Gadge, we need to get that hull repaired and we need it repaired now.”

  “Aye aye, Captain.” But Gadge was having difficulty climbing up the deck, with the ship at such an angle.

  “We’re all going to die!” squawked Twitter, flapping above their heads. “We’re all going to die!”

  “Not if I have a plan to save us, we won’t,” said Captain Clockheart.

  “Well? Do you have a plan to save us?” asked Lexi, who was clinging on to the mast with both hands.

  “Of course I do,” said Captain Clockheart, “My plan is that one of us needs to come up with a plan. Now, who’s got a plan?”

  “That’s not a plan,” said Pendle.

  “I’m afraid Twitter’s right,” said Lexi. “We are all going to die.”

  “We need to fire at Kidd’s ship,” said Pendle. “An underwater ship like that will be pressurized. It will only take one direct hit to bring it up.”

  “Och, now that I can do.” Gadge selected his cannon attachment, reached his arm over the side of the ship and fired a minicannonball into the water.

  Suddenly, the Leaky Battery rocked back into an upright position, flinging the crew over to the other side of the ship.

  “Up she rises,” said Captain Clockheart.

  A huge metal ship in the shape of an octopus emerged from the water. Its tentacles had released the Leaky Battery and were thrashing about in the water, as the monster-ship tried to stay afloat.

  Gadge’s cannonball had smashed the glass in one of the monster’s eyes, revealing Kidd inside. He was soaking wet and looking distinctly unhappy.

  “Look what you’ve done to my monstership,” he cried.

  “Sorry about that, Master Kidd!” said Captain Clockheart.

  “Just as I thought,” said Pendle. “This monster contraption was an invention of yours.”

  “Contraption?” exclaimed Kidd. “This is a far finer example of steam engineering than your floating tin cans.” He opened a hatch in the top of his ship and climbed out.

  “Och, at least we are floating, laddie,” said Gadge.

  “Whereas you appear to be sinking,” added Lexi.

  Kidd clung on desperately as his monster-ship filled with water. “There’s no chance I could catch a lift with you, I suppose?” he asked.

  “Catch a lift?” exclaimed Pendle. “If you had your way, we’d be at the bottom of the ocean right now.”

  “Yo ho, down below! Ship ahoy!” called Blower.

  “If that’s Inkybeard’s crew, we’ll teach them what’s what,” said Captain Clockheart.

  Pendle looked around at the damage caused by Kidd’s attack. “We’re in no position to fight anyone,” she said.

  “Wait a minute!” said Gadge, switching to his telescopic-eye attachment. “That’s no jolly roger. The ship’s flying the union jack.”

  “Oh dear,” said Lexi. “It’s the king’s navy and with our ship half torn apart and our cannons sunk, we’re sitting ducks.”

  “Ha, I wouldn’t want to be in your boat.” Kidd chuckled. “I say, that’s rather funny. And when I tell the commander of this navy ship how I am the one who put you in this position, he’ll probably give me a medal. Oh, I say, things are looking up for the ever-so-humble cabin boy,” said Kidd.

  “Not funny! Not funny!” squawked Twitter.

  The navy warship slowed down as it approached. All along the deck, red-coated soldiers stood with muskets and rifles aimed at the Steampunk Pirates. Rows of cannons stuck out from the side of the ship.

  The pirates grabbed what weapons they could find, while Kidd trod water. His monster-ship had now sunk completely.

  The commanding officer waved and cried, “Steampunk Pirates. Raise your hands or we’ll sink your ship.”

  “Never,” cried Captain Clockheart, as the ship lurched suddenly to the side. One of the crossbeams snapped and banged him on the head.

  “Captain,” said Pendle. “We’re letting in water. We have no cannons to defend ourselves. One hit and we’ll be sunk.”

  “The Steampunk Pirates don’t admit defeat,” said Captain Clockheart. “It’s not in our nature.”

  “Good men of the navy,” yelled Kidd from the water. “I am on your side. ’Twas I who did this damage to the Leaky Battery.”

  The commanding officer was about to reply when another voice came from below deck. “Corporal Thudchump, is it safe to come up?”

  “The pirates are refusing to surrender, but they have a badly damaged ship. There’s also a swimming boy. I was about to open fire on all of them.”

  “Hold on. I would like a word with my servants first.”

  A small man with a fur-lined coat and a golden crown on his head stepped out on deck.

  “All hail, His Majesty, the King of England,” cried Corporal Thudchump, saluting.

  The soldiers raised their guns and saluted.

  “Ah, there you are, my Steampunk Servants,” said the king. “You lot have caused me quite enough trouble. Quite enough, indeed. I say, why is there a boy in the water?”

  “Your Majesty,” said Kidd, swimming towards the ship. “Mine is the story of a boy who was badly wronged by pirates, and yet—”

  “Silence. You’ll show more respect and bow before royalty,” the king said.

  “Yes, Your Majesty.” Kidd bowed, but as he was swimming, this meant that he disappeared under the water.

  The king turned to address Captain Clockheart. “You there, with the clock on your chest, would I be right in thinking you are in charge?”

  “Aye,” replied Captain Clockheart. “I be the captain of this ship.”

  “Then you simply must give the command to surrender. Do so at once and I will take you back. I’ll have Mr Swift turn you into obedient servants again. It is your only chance of survival.”

  “Unfortunately, I think he’s right about that,” said Pendle.

  “I agree,” said Lexi. “If we fight we’ll be defeated … sunk … obliterated.”

  “Och, I hate to admit it, but we’ve got no choice,” said Gadge.

  “That’s where you’re all wrong,” said Captain Clockheart. “There is always a choice. I may not always choose the wisest course of action. Nor the safest. But if you ask me to choose between being a slave and roaming free, Steampunk Pirates will always take freedom.”

  “We’re all going to die!” squawked Twitter.

  “Your Majesty,” yelled Kidd. “I will happily surrender. As an ever-so-humble cabin boy, my story is one with—”

  “Someone get that boy on board,” said the king.

  “Thank you, Your Majesty,” said Kidd.

  “And gag his mouth to stop him talking.”

  “And what of the Steampunk Pirates?” asked Corporal Thudchump.

  “If they won’t surrender, sink their ship and be done with them.”

  “Cannon-bearers, musketeers and riflers, prepare to fire,” commanded Corporal Thudchump.

  “Our chances of survival are too small to calculate,” said Lexi. “They are miniscule … tiny … teeny weeny.”

  “I think I ca
n hear the approach of the ghost train.” Captain Clockheart solemnly raised his fist. “All hail the Steampunk Pirates!”

  “So this is it then,” said Pendle. “This is how our adventures end.”

  “Och, and if that’s not bad enough, I think it’s raining,” said Gadge.

  Inkybeard was stuck in a cave, surrounded by huge mounds of gold, buckets of rubies and mountains of diamonds. He sat down on a pile of precious silk underwear and picked up an emerald the size of his fist.

  “Nell girl,” he sighed. “We be in a right pickle this time.”

  “Cuh-cuh-cuh-click … wuh-wuh-wuh-wind … me uh-uh-uh-up.”

  “Who’s down here?” Inkybeard jumped up and spun round to see who had spoken.

  “Tuh-tuh-tuh-tick…”

  The voice belonged to a mechanical man with a large key in his back, lying on his side.

  Inkybeard sat him upright. “Inkybeard recognizes this heap of junk. You’re one of the Steampunk Pirates!” He gave Mainspring’s key a couple of turns and heard the whirring, clicking and ticking of him coming to life.

  “Tock, thank you.”

  “So are you one of the machines with useful devices to get us out of here?” said Inkybeard.

  “Click, no, I’m the scheming one. Tick, and I have a scheme to get us out of this hole. Tock, all I need is something to light a fire.”

  “Then you’re in luck.” Inkybeard patted his pockets then reached inside his right boot and pulled out a match. “I knew I’d put it somewhere safe. So, what’s this plan of yours?”

  “Click, we take gunpowder from our pistols, then blow a hole in the side of the cave.”

  “A hole? There’s nothing but ocean on the other side of these walls.”

  “Tick, exactly. The water will come rushing in. We’ll each get inside a trunk positioned under one of these shafts that lead up to the surface. Tock, the force of the water will push us up the shaft and we’ll be free.”