by Dani Hoots
I nodded, completely understanding. When the strangers had first come, I too was young and many didn’t trust my judgment. Micos’ father was the only one who really trusted me and I was glad I could return the favor to him through his son.
The rest of the tribe was readying for battle, one way or another. I knew I didn’t need to worry, as Micos was in charge. As for me, even though the spirits had said we would meet our deaths, I went to my medicine hut and started gathering herbs to communicate to the other world, to ask for some guidance, or at least a clear mind and safety for everyone.
After I gathered all that was needed, I lit the incense and sat down and closed my eyes. I tried to clear my mind and listen to anything that could be of help. I was in a meditative state, which put me in a state of mind somewhere between feeling fully awake and fully asleep. That name, Peuchen, emerged from the back of my mind.
I didn’t come out of my meditative state as the memories came flooding back to me. True memories, not as hazy as they had been when I woke. I had gone into the forest, where I had then met a creature of great darkness. We talked about the strangers that arrived on our shores, and how they threatened my tribe’s very survival.
And I agreed to sacrifice myself so that their leader could use me as a vessel.
“So you do understand that it was real. That is a surprise. I’ve never had a human push through their memories to get to me. I am impressed, you are definitely a strong one.”
“Who are you?” I asked in my mind. Whatever it was, it had entered me and was talking from within my mind. I didn’t understand what was truly going on, or how it was happening. Fear swept through my body, but I didn’t allow it to weaken my will. Whatever it was, it would not gain control.
“I am the creature you let posses you. I am the peuchen leader.”
My heart felt as if it had sunk into my chest. How could I have been so foolish as to let this happen? An evil creature resided in my mind. “How can you be inside of me?”
“Don’t you remember? Don’t you recall what happened the night before? One of my subordinates placed me into your body.”
“How, how is that even possible?”
The creature laughed. “It’s easy, really, how do you think peuchen come into existence? We don’t create beings like you do. We take over the bodies of mortals, we take over people till they slowly become a peuchen.”
My heart began to race. “What do you mean?”
“You, my dear, are no longer human. You are one of us. You are a peuchen.”
“No. No, that is not possible. I can’t be one of you, I am human. I am a machi. I communicate with spirits, I bring peace to our tribe. I cannot be one of you.”
“Have you heard the spirits since you started meditating? Do you think that connection is still with you as you sit here and meditate? No, the only voice you hear is mine. You are disconnected from the spirit world and anything that is of the light.”
The words hit me like a spear. I had been able to communicate with the spirits for my entire life, yet now that had been taken away from me. My entire reason for existence had been swept away. “This can’t be true. This can’t happen. I can’t—”
“Oh, but it is true. You can’t run away from this fact. You are under my control now. You agreed to it and there is no turning back.”
“What is going to happen to me?” I asked, fear spreading through every part of my body. I felt as if I was alone now, as if there was no one just outside of my hut. As if everything had disappeared and there was only darkness. As if this creature and I were the only ones who mattered at the moment. Just like in my nightmare.
“It can go two ways. One way, the way I recommend, is letting me take over your body completely and fully become a peuchen.”
“And if I refuse that?”
“Then there will be a battle between you and me, mentally, and it will destroy you. You will be ripped to shreds from the inside-out and it will lead ultimately to great suffering and eternal torment.”
“No, I won’t let you win. I can defeat you.”
“It’s too late, the process has already begun. You must make the choice: easy or pain?”
“I will take pain instead of giving into you.”
“That is your choice. So be it.”
It felt as if a bolt of lightning went through my body. I felt like screaming out in pain, but I didn’t want someone to witness what was going on. I didn’t want them to know the truth. That I had given my soul to the darkness. To a peuchen.
“I will not let you win,” I managed to breath out.
More pain shot through my body. It went through every inch, slowly increasing with every second. I could feel my body shake uncontrollably. But I would not give up, I couldn’t. To let myself be taken over by this creature was an utter disgrace to all machi before me. I had to defeat it now before it was too late.
“No!”
“Give in to me. It will be much easier.”
“I will not. I refuse.”
“If you want to help your people, if you want to save them from the strangers, you must give in to me. You will have all the power you could ever dream of. You would be unstoppable.”
“But then I will become one of you. I would no longer be human,” I managed to say.
“Oh, my dear Apachita, you already are one of us. It is your mind that is the only thing left. Your soul. You must let it go.”
“You are lying. I am still human.”
“Look into the reflection of the water and you will see the truth.”
I opened my eyes and glanced over at the bowl of water. Slowly, I stood up and peered into it.
There, in the reflection, was me. But it was different. Although my human body was still there, my eyes were different. They were a blood red, just like the peuchen from the night before. Suddenly, my face disappeared and there in its place was the grotesque peuchen, its black matted fur and face of a rabid bat.
I smacked the bowl across the room, water splashing every which way.
“No, this can’t be true. It can’t.”
“But it is. So let me take over. Let me give you all the power I have. Let me give you the strength to defeat the strangers.”
“But you will destroy what little humanity I have left.”
“It’s the price you have to pay.”
I stood up and shook my head. “No, I am more powerful than that. I am more powerful than you. I can keep my humanity and have your strength. Go ahead and try to fight me, you will only find my strength, something you can never defeat.”
The creature didn’t respond but simply laughed. I felt as if its presence had left me alone for the moment. I took a few deep breaths, waiting for something to happen, to discover that it had indeed left me. I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I knew I had to be on my guard.
I opened the door of the hut to find that the sun was nearing the world’s edge once more. I couldn’t believe I had been meditating for so long—or fighting with the peuchen, I should say. Everyone was still hard at work, preparing for the battle that would happen the next night. I felt so detached from everything, as if I had been battling with another conscience entity in my mind. I didn’t feel like anyone could understand what I was going through, and I felt so alone. I didn’t know who I could talk to about anything, nor did I think there was anyone in the world I could talk to about this.
“Apachita,” Micos called out as he hurried towards me. I blinked, not realizing he had been near. “Did you get answers as to what is going to happen?”
I was surprised at the question, taken a bit off guard as so much time had passed since we last talked with each other. I couldn’t tell him the truth, I couldn’t tell anyone the truth of what I had agreed to. “We shall fight our hardest, and we shall win. That is all.”
He nodded. “That sounds good to me. As long as the spirits will keep us safe, I have faith that we will win.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell him or anyon
e really, that the spirits predicted our deaths, and a new way of life. We loved our way of life now and I couldn’t imagine a world where we couldn’t keep our customs any longer, where I woke up to find everything destroyed and gone. Pure desolation.
No. I wouldn’t allow it. We would win this battle if it was the last thing I did—even if it meant using a power that could destroy me.
Killa and Inti had just stepped out of their hut, stretching, as they too had been meditating for answers throughout the day. They both joined Micos and I as we stood outside my own hut.
“How about you two, did you hear anything from the spirits?” Micos asked.
Killa and Inti gave me a quick look, as if they were worried about something. “No, we didn’t.”
Micos frowned. “Well, that is too bad. Keep me posted if anything beneficial comes up. I need to go help some people with making spears.”
I watched him run off, then turned to my two apprentices. “What is wrong?”
“Well,” Inti began. “Both Killa and I heard a message from the spirits. They said that we would be facing rebirth for this land, as if we were going to face defeat. What did they tell you?”
I frowned. “Let’s talk inside my hut, come on.”
They followed me inside and I started some incense. “Yes, they told me the same thing. I didn’t want to tell anyone in fear of spreading panic.”
“But we should tell the truth, don’t you think? We could even run, settle somewhere else.”
I shook my head. “There is nowhere we can hide from this. We must face our destiny, but I don’t believe we will meet defeat. I think we can gain enough strength to fight them.”
“But how?” Killa asked. “If we don’t have the spirits backing us up, what use is it?”
“We will find a way,” I snapped back. “Now, go prepare for the night. I am done discussing this—you aren’t allowed to tell anyone as to what the spirits have said. We must keep a positive outlook.”
“Yes, Apachita,” they both said and left my sight. I rubbed my temples.
I had no idea what I was going to do next.
I tossed and turned all night. I couldn’t sleep, not when I knew what was inside of me, waiting for me to be weak so that it could attack. I worried that in my sleep it would be able to take over my body and my mind and I would wake up to be someone, or something, that I no longer recognized as myself.
But could I even recognize myself? I had turned my back on all that I believed, letting this creature inside of me. I had already turned my back on the spirits after having asked for their guidance all of my life. It didn’t make sense, I couldn’t believe I had let something like this happen. I wondered if my heart had been in the right place, having wanted to help my tribe by becoming more powerful, yet turning my back on the spirits that I swore to trust.
As I lay there, staring up at the top of my hut, I thought about what I had truly done. I had given into the darkness for the ends that I wanted. Was it wrong to do such a thing when it was better for my people as a whole? Was darkness terrible when the circumstance asked for it? Had I really done something wrong?
It was a question that I believed everyone faced. Did the ends justify the means? I couldn’t let my people be destroyed by these strangers, as the spirits had said would happen. The peuchen, however, said that with their power I would be able win this battle and my whole tribe would survive. But at what cost? It never mentioned me having to lose my humanity, or let my body be taken over, as an added cost. It only said I was a vessel, and that was all—nothing about the fact it would try to take over my world and shut me out to be trapped for eternity.
I should have known, though, that this would happen—that the details were never given and it was probably a trick to get their leader back. I shouldn’t have trusted it, but with everything that happened, I was at a loss. There was no other answer.
“Which is why you should give in to me...”
The voice was back. I had begun to wonder if it had left me alone because it gave up or it wanted to see what I would do. I guess I found my answer.
“I will never give in to you,” I whispered, half relieved that it finally spoke, half worried that it would try to take over once more. The pain was too great, I didn’t think I would be able to fight it again and win.
“But you already have. Don’t you see this? Don’t you see you must complete the transition if you want your people to survive? How can you not see this?”
“I will do anything for my people, but I don’t believe that you are truly going to help if I let you take over. How do I know you will have the same intentions as me for destroying the strangers? How do I know you will let me control what you do?”
More laughter. It was one of the most deeply terrifying sounds I had ever heard. It sent chills down my spine and I felt like shaking uncontrollably every time I heard it. But I would not waver. I would not let it win because doing so means sacrificing my identity.
“Seems you are thinking too much. Of course, you would still be able to control your own body. Of course, you would be able to make sure your community is safe. I will not stop that. I just need you to let go so that you can have all my power. So that I may be alive once again.”
“I don’t believe you.” Nor did I want to let go. I didn’t want this to be happening, I didn’t want something I didn’t know taking over my body. I wouldn’t be me any longer, I wouldn’t be able to interact with my people without the guilt.
“Why would I lie?”
“Because you want the power. Because you want to use me to come back from the dead. Because you are darkness and will stop at nothing to get what you want.”
“And how does that make me any different than you?”
I felt a shock of realization go through me. It was right. I had given my body up to this thing, not only that, but my faith and my soul as well in order to get what I wanted. How did that make me any different from this creature? How did it make me different from the darkness? I had turned my back on the light, on everything I believed that night when I first agreed to its offer. This was just the end. The inevitable end.
“Just... let... go...”
I closed my eyes. It was right. I needed its power to go on. It was too late to go back at this point, I just had to accept it. I didn’t want to, though, in the end. I didn’t want to lose everything I had—but what choice did I have? I couldn’t let my people down, even if it meant losing myself in the process.
The moment I let down my defenses; I felt a wave of darkness take over. I could hardly breath, feeling as if I was being smothered. Everything became a dizzy blur and I felt like I was drowning. So much darkness, so much evil. I tried to reach for something to pull myself out of this feeling, to once again see the light, but it felt futile to try doing that. It felt like it would never happen. I kept reaching up, but I had no idea which way that was. I was disoriented, floating towards an abyss that I myself had created. Something I let happen to me. Tears felt as if they were rolling down my face, disappearing into nothing. I had to keep fighting; I could not live like this forever. I could not let myself be drowned in this darkness. I would not be able to keep my sanity, I would not let myself be strangled by such evil.
“Where am I?” I called out.
Nothing answered. There was nothing out there to offer me a response of any kind, to my satisfaction. It was all darkness, it was nothingness. I had given up my soul to wander in this abyss, perhaps for eternity. I had been tricked by evil and I would never again see the light, somehow I knew that to be true. I closed my eyes and prayed that there was some way I could gain control again. I knew I would never be able to undo what I had done, but I had to keep pushing. I had to keep fighting. I was a machi, I was my tribe’s leader. I would not let them down. I did this so that we could defeat the strangers. I would not give in.
Suddenly, a rush of light poured into where I was. It was like my eyes were opening, only to find that I was just a bystander in my own
body. I could feel my body moving, reacting, but none of it was me. Images came, but nothing was controlled by me. I tried to focus, to understand what I was seeing.
Then it all became clear.
I was in the middle of the forest with three other people; Micos, Urpi, and Yaku. Urpi and Yaku were Micos’ top warriors, never missing an arrow against an animal. They had trained well under Micos’ command and I knew that they would be our best warriors against the strangers. I could see them talking, but couldn’t hear what they were saying as if they were just murmurs. I tried to listen, but nothing was becoming clear.
That’s when it happened, when my own body betrayed me.
I watched as I, or the peuchen inside of me, attacked the three of them, my own mouth becoming some kind of vicious animal. I watched as it bit at the throats of Urpi and Yaku. Micos tried to get away but the peuchen inside of me didn’t allow it. My body attacked Micos and I watched in horror as blood began to pour.
No. I would allow no more. I couldn’t let myself hurt these people. It was against the promise I had made to them, it was against everything I stood for. I would make sure my people were safe.
I kept pushing against the invisible wall that surrounded me, the one that pushed me down into this darkness. I knew that somehow, if I kept pushing, that maybe I could reach the surface and gain control of myself once more. Then I might be able to defeat this peuchen. I would not give in, I would not let this creature take over for any longer. I would not allow harm come to my people or myself. I couldn’t lose my identity or my leadership for these people. I had to defeat this evil, and if I couldn’t, then I wasn’t cut out to be a machi any longer.
With all my strength and my naïve faith the spirits may still assist me, I pushed harder and harder. I felt as if there was hope, that I could do what I needed to do in order to return somehow to my body. That I could be in control.
“What are you doing? This is impossible!” I heard the creature scream into my mind.