Always and Forever

by Wendy Lindstrom

  “He was more like a brother than a cousin. He worked in our stables as a groom, so he was always around. I snuck pastries and other treats to him each time I visited the stables.”

  Hal shook his head. “Your father must have had his hands full with you. And you say you have a sister... is she as willful as you are?”

  “Gracious, no!” Nancy said with a laugh. “Elizabeth and I are twins, but that’s where the similarity ends.

  Hal pulled back in shock. “Twins! I can’t imagine how your father dealt with two beautiful daughters.”

  “Fairly and with great love,” she said, her smile fading. “Elizabeth and I have always been close. We could often be found together, and many couldn’t tell us apart. We’ve always liked a lot of the same things, but at the same time we’re truly very different. Elizabeth is calm and in all ways proper, and I dare say far less stubborn than I am.”

  Hal could easily picture two red-haired girls dashing across the green lawn in front of a grand house in Buffalo. He was, however, having trouble picturing a quieter, calmer version of Nancy. He was coming to deeply appreciate this headstrong, bright, determined woman that he’d married.

  And in that moment he intended to woo her with everything he had. Because he wanted the playful and passionate woman who was rapidly stealing his heart.

  Unaware of his silent realizations, Nancy continued talking about her sister and her life in Buffalo. “Elizabeth and I got along famously. We both liked what we liked, and sometimes it was the same and sometimes it wasn’t. But there were never any concerns until it came to Stuart Newmaine. While my father intended the young man to become my husband, I could summon no feelings for him. But Elizabeth and Stuart were smitten with one another the moment they met. I can only hope that my leaving has opened my father’s eyes to the situation and helped them find their happiness,” Nancy said, sadness creeping back into her voice, and Hal understood firsthand just how painful it was for her to leave her family.

  “Why don’t you write your sister and ask her? And you could tell her a little about your life here in Fredonia and that you’ve married a fine and dashing man of your own.”

  His comment garnered the smile he’d been hoping for.

  “You certainly are a fine and dashing man,” she said, “and I’ll take great pleasure in sharing that detail with my sister someday.”

  “Why wait? Maybe if Elizabeth knows you are married, it will help smooth the way with your father.”

  Nancy’s eyes cut away, but not before he saw the anguish in them. Why would writing home cause her tension? He pondered that thought for a moment and then tucked it away, not wanting to further distress her.

  “I hadn’t meant to be intrusive,” Hal said quickly, not wanting to fracture the comfortable relationship they were forging this afternoon. He placed his hand gently over Nancy’s, and after a slight hesitation, she turned her palm up to link fingers with him. That simple contact was comforting and somewhat incredible as he realized the two of them were holding onto each other.

  “You haven’t been intrusive,” she replied, her gaze fixed on their clasped hands as if she found it incredible as well. “It’s just that it’s complicated. Elizabeth deserves a chance at happiness and my leaving was the only way she’d get that chance. I need to give her time to make that happen.”

  Not once did Nancy meet his eyes, and Hal suspected there was more she wasn’t sharing. She was skilled at evading his questions and changing the subject but he would eventually get to the truth.

  Nancy swung her knees to her side and tucked her feet under her skirt. Facing Hal, she said, “Tell me about your family, Hal. I’d really like to hear about your life.”

  He suspected she was sincere, but he also knew it was a perfect way for her to shift attention away from herself. Still, he’d brought her here to ease her heartache and so he leaned back on his hands and said, “My sister Charlotte is two years older than I, and she’s married with two rambunctious boys that call me Unca Hal.”

  Nancy laughed. “How darling!”

  Hal couldn’t help smiling as he thought about his nephews. Before his sister had kids, he was content being a bachelor. Even when John Radford had advertised for a wife, Hal was comfortable with his single life. But now that he was married and thinking about the future, he eagerly contemplated having a family with Nancy, although he wanted to wait until he could more adequately provide for his family.

  “You said you have two sisters,” Nancy prodded, nudging him away from thoughts of children.

  He wouldn’t push Nancy into intimacy. They would build that path together. Part of that construction needed to begin with sharing their lives and their feelings. And so he opened up about his family. “My younger sister, Martha, and my three younger brothers, James, George, and Samuel all live at home.”

  Nancy raised her eyebrows. “Gracious, that must have been a houseful when you and John Radford lived at home too.”

  “It was utter bedlam on a daily basis. I looked forward to the day I’d be able to escape the clamor have my own home. But honestly, I miss my family and even the noise more than I’d ever anticipated. It just hadn’t occurred to me that you’d be missing your family as well. I’m sorry I wasn’t more aware of your feelings, Nancy.”

  “Thank you, Hal, but my homesickness is a result of my own actions, not anything you’ve done or not done. I’m the one who has been unmindful of your feelings.” She placed her hand over his and rubbed her thumb across his knuckles. “I can only imagine how your heart aches over leaving your family and losing your brother. It makes my own heart bleed for you.”

  The familiar lump of grief lodged in Hal’s throat and made it difficult to speak, but he pushed himself to share everything with Nancy. The success of their marriage depended on it. And so he dragged in a pained breath and began. “John and I had such grand plans here in Fredonia. We wanted to build a profitable business here and send money home to help our father get back on his feet. Instead, John died and now I can barely keep food on our table much less send anything home to help my father.” Hal shook his head, still unable to believe John was dead. “I still expect John to come slogging into the house at night, boot heels dragging and a big smile on his face because he loved what we were building. There are times it hurts so much I can’t breathe. It’s like a canyon in my chest that’s sucking all the air out.”

  “Oh Hal...” Nancy squeezed his hand, her eyes filled with tears. “I’m so sorry. I wish I could help ease this burden on your heart.”

  “You have,” he said, and he meant it. This sweet, sassy, take-charge lady was teaching him to live around his grief, to wade right through the middle of the muck when necessary and then to haul himself out of that swamp and keep moving.

  Drawing in a deep breath, Hal smelled fresh pine and fresh dirt and fresh air, scents that reminded him of John Radford. Gads, it felt good to think about John Radford with something other than overwhelming grief in his heart. Perhaps comforting Nancy through her heartache had soothed an ache in Hal’s heart as well.

  “During our walk here today, I smelled the pine trees and it reminded me of John,” Hal said. “John said he liked the smell of fresh cut pine even better than Mother’s baked bread.” Hal laughed. “I like the smell of pine, too, but it simply can’t compete with Mother’s bread. John would tuck pine shavings in his pocket and it would vex Mother terribly to find piles of sawdust on the floor under John’s chair at the table.”

  Nancy laughed. “Keeping the floors clean with all those children must have taken the better part of her day. I’m glad, though, that the memory is a good one for you. It does make me curious why John would leave your father’s mill to come to Fredonia. Did they not get along?”

  Hal took a deep breath, pondering the best way to answer her question. Even now, he could feel his hands tightening into fists at the memory of his father looking broken and defeated as he watched his beloved mill being auctioned on the courthouse steps. Even after se
veral months, Hal’s anger towards the man responsible had not subsided and had in fact been heightened by John’s death. His brother would still be at home and alive if not for Lloyd Tremont.

  “If you’d rather not talk about it, I understand.”

  “No, it’s not that,” Hal said. “I’m just not sure where to begin.”

  Her lips quirked up on one side. “At the beginning would be a good place to start.”

  Her small jest turned him from his anger and he sought the best words to describe the events that changed his life. “Well... my brothers and I helped my father run his sawmill at our home in Buffalo. It was a small, successful mill, but we had a hard time keeping up with the steamer orders. So Dad bought a second larger mill thinking that John and I would run it. I didn’t want to run the mill. I wanted to build furniture, so I accepted an apprenticeship with A. B. Edwards. I left John and my father to run the family business.” Hal’s gut twisted saying those words. “I shouldn’t have left them like that. It was selfish. When the steamer contract fell through my father couldn’t afford the new mill. We didn’t have enough orders to pay for the new mill, so the bank repossessed it.”

  “Oh, no, that’s heartbreaking.”

  “It was maddening!” Hal declared, his attempt to control his anger a pitiful failure. “I tried to reason with Lloyd Tremont, but the wealthy banker wouldn’t hear a word of protest.”

  Nancy gasped and the blood seemed to drain from her face.

  “I had a little savings set aside and I offered every cent of it to Tremont if he would just give my father another couple of months to start making payments. I really thought Tremont would consider it. He and my father were friendly acquaintances. I had even been to the man’s estate years earlier to help my father carve the family crest on Tremont’s front door.”

  Her eyes locked with his. “You carved it?”

  “Yes, with my father,” he said. “And you’d think that would have meant something to Tremont. My father considered the man a friend, but apparently Tremont considered their transactions nothing more than business. It seemed he had no sympathy for my father’s hardship, and he not only repossessed the mill but sold it to our biggest competitor at auction.”

  “Hal, I don’t... I don’t know what to say.” Nancy clasped a palm to her stomach, a look of horror on her face.

  Hal shoved his hand through his hair but resisted the urge to stand and pace as he spoke. “The man even had the gall to tell my father that he should have known better than to make such a risky investment. It broke my father’s heart to watch his mill being sold to his competition on the courthouse steps. It was like a dagger in his heart, and mine, to watch his dream dashed in a single instant.”

  “I’m sure it was, but perhaps—” Nancy shook her head and looked down the creek. “I’m so sorry Hal.”

  Taking a deep breath, Hal forced himself to calm down. His ranting about Tremont’s treatment of his father had obviously upset Nancy and possibly ruined their day. “I’m sorry, too, Nancy. I’ve said too much – I hadn’t meant to trouble you with my past and a problem neither of us can do anything to resolve.”

  And he hadn’t even spoken of the crushing guilt he felt over the situation. If he had only listened to his father and stayed to help at the mill instead of chasing an apprenticeship with Edwards, maybe he could have helped save the mill before it was too late. And John Radford would still be alive.

  “I’m glad you told me,” she said, but her smile wobbled, and he wasn’t at all convinced that she was glad to know the thoughts that burdened him.

  “I’m afraid I’ve ruined our picnic,” he said, disappointed in himself. “My intention was to fill your day with sunshine and laughter, not with my clouded past and hot anger.”

  “Well, I could cool you off by shoving you into the creek again.”

  He met her wry grin with one of his own. “I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted too. I deserve another dousing for raining on our picnic.”

  “I rather enjoyed our plunge into the water.”

  The sweet sincerity in her eyes warmed him. He thought about the kiss and their play that followed and he’d enjoyed it all. And he wanted more of that wonderful feeling and to be the cause of his wife’s laughter. “Shall we see if I can brighten this day again?”

  Her answering smile gave him hope, but there was still a reserve in her eyes that hadn’t been there earlier. “What do you have in mind?” she asked.

  “Are you daring enough to walk to the falls in your bare feet?”

  A surprised laugh escaped her. “Most certainly. But the real question is, are you daring enough to keep up with me?” With that, she leapt to her feet and danced away. Three steps later she yelped and jerked her right foot off the rocky beach. “Gracious sakes! It’s like walking on glass!”

  Hal laughed and playfully taunted her for having feet too delicate to support her fierce nature. Then he surprised her, and himself, by sweeping her up and cradling her petite body in his arms. “Allow me to carry you the rest of the way,” he said, turning them toward the falls and a new and wonderful romance.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Hal went to the mill the next day with a spring in his step and a renewed hope for the future. Despite losing several hours of work time, his heart felt a lot lighter after his afternoon with Nancy. Telling her about his father and their troubles had helped him more than he’d realized, and though he regretted casting a shadow over their day, his confession had seemed to bring them closer.

  She’d shared a bit of her childhood with him as well and he appreciated getting to know her better, although he still felt there was something she wasn’t telling him.

  After they’d returned from the gorge, they had spent a pleasant evening together, eating dinner in the kitchen and taking a short walk in the orchard as the sun was setting. Later Nancy played the woefully-out-of-tune pianoforte and joked that the badly tuned strings added new element to her songs. Hal found her music beautiful and the discordant notes a bit haunting. Still, he could easily see that Nancy enjoyed playing and that music had been a big part of her life. He wished he could get the pianoforte tuned for her, but it was an expense he could ill afford and a difficult task to find someone skilled enough to tune it.

  And so went his thoughts as he wrangled an oak timber onto the saw table, slabbed and squared the long sawn planks. He carried the heavy lengths of lumber a piece at a time and loaded them into wagon. He would finish sawing this order for Burton’s Tannery tomorrow and deliver it after he dropped off the kitchen cabinet, which he planned to finish tonight, at Addison’s store.

  The morning at the mill went quickly and before Hal realized it, he was watching the clock, awaiting lunchtime when he knew Nancy would be arriving. His gaze kept darting to the road, and when he finally saw her cross into the mill yard, his heartbeat accelerated. With a light stride, she crossed the yard in her pretty green dress with a basket hooked over her arm and a stylish bonnet framing her beautiful face and wide smile. Hal shut off the mill and left the lean-to wiping his dirty hands on a soiled rag.

  With feigned nonchalance, he leaned in and placed a quick kiss on Nancy’s cheek as if he’d done so every day for several years.

  But his act didn’t fool Nancy. She laughed and said, “Are you angling for food, Mr. Grayson?”

  “I’m willing to beg for whatever you’ve stashed in that basket. I’m famished.” Hal lifted the edge of a lap quilt she’d use to cover their food and attempted to peek into the basket.

  Nancy playfully tapped his knuckles. “Let me set out our lunch beneath the maple. It’s dreadfully hot today and I need to sit in the shade.”

  Hal took the basket from her and escorted her to a grassy corner of the yard shaded by sprawling branches of a large, leafy maple. With each step, he felt her nearness, the weight of her small hand hooked over his arm, the floral scent of her hair, the length of her stride — and his heart was flooded with warmth.

  She glanced up at hi
m, the look in her eyes telling him she felt that same exciting awakening.

  It amazed him to feel this way and to see the same connection in Nancy’s eyes. He hadn’t been looking for Nancy or marriage. His mind had been filled with too many plans and dreams. But his mother had always said that love would find him when he was least expecting it. Hal wasn’t ready to give a name to his feelings just yet, but after yesterday he knew his growing affection for his wife was real with roots that went very deep. Whatever the emotion, he knew he was defining his relationship with Nancy, not as John’s brother, not as her “rescuer”, but as a man who’d stumbled upon a treasure and couldn’t stop admiring it or believing it was really his to hold.

  Nancy smiled up at him. “I’d sure like to know what put that look of wonder on your face.”

  She had, but he couldn’t bring himself to say such things to her just yet. “It’s the delicious smell coming from the basket.”

  Laughing, Nancy lifted the quilt from atop the hamper. “Will you lay this out please?”

  He spread it across the grass and placed the basket in the center.

  As Nancy sat, she said, “I brought leftover chicken and I cooked up some of the squash that Mary Tucker brought over yesterday. Ours should be ready in a week or so.”

  “We’re very fortunate to have them as neighbors.”

  “And more so to have them as friends,” Nancy said as she pulled a plate of chicken and a bowl of sliced squash out of her basket. The fact that she quickly covered the basket again had Hal suspicious.

  “What else did you put in here?” he asked, trying again to peek inside.

  Nancy laughed and tucked the basket behind her back. “I brought a sweet, but you must eat your lunch first. I know you’re always rushed, so if you don’t have time to eat it today you can have it with your supper.”

  “Actually, I found that I’m more productive in the afternoons since I’ve been taking time for lunch. I think the break has enabled me to go back in the afternoon with a clear mind. And I have you to thank for that. I just wish I could increase the mill output enough that I wouldn’t have to be here from dawn to dusk, but I suppose I’d still have to spend most of the evening hours in the barn.”