Falling For Him

by Khardine Gray

  I pulled her in here quickly because I didn’t know who was watching.

  I brought her into the foyer and stopped in between the reception desk and the stairs leading up to my office.

  “Kelly, listen you can’t just come here like this,” I told her, doing my best to be polite.

  “You never said that last time,” she smiled with seduction and I couldn’t help but recall last time she came here. Yes it was wild, but in the past and behind me.

  “I’m seeing someone.”

  “Aren’t you always,” she laughed and her brown eyes sparkle.

  “Not like this. I’m in an actual relationship, a long term one, so I can’t see you.”

  She raised her perfectly arched brows. “Wow, sounds serious.”

  “It is.” It is for me. I couldn’t forget how I felt when I was with Zoe last night, and finally I felt like she’s at the point where she trusts me. It seemed like she was finally at the point I longed for where she’d give me a chance, and trust me with her heart. “So, I’m sorry but I can’t see you anymore, ever.” I wanted to make it clear, but in a nice way.

  “You don’t want to see me ever? That’s way harsh.”

  “I don’t mean to be rude or harsh. I just want you to understand that I’m with someone, and we can’t be like how we were anymore.”

  She looks like she’s got the message.

  “Okay, I see. Well I guess this is goodbye then.”

  “Yeah.” I nodded.

  She turned and walked away and I give her a few minutes to be gone. I was actually on my way out. I wanted to get home to do a little surprise I had planned for Zoe. That Mexican feast I wanted to do weeks ago.

  I waited for two minutes and left. I just didn’t want the awkwardness of being in the parking lot with Kelly and having watchful eyes on me. A lot of the guys from the team were here and if they as much as glanced at me with Kelly near me, they’d conclude that I’d done something with her. I couldn’t have that because mostly everyone knew now that I was with Zoe.

  I jumped in my car and headed home, but saw that Zoe was already there.

  Excitement filled me lifting my soul and I practically flew into the house. She was inside the sitting room.

  My heart, however, sank when I saw that she was laying on the sofa crying.

  “Baby,” I gasped rushing over to her. My first thought was that she didn’t get the job. “What happened? Did you get the job?”

  She sat up when I reach for her and wiped her face, then nodded.

  “Oh, good. What happened then. Why are you crying? I…” my voice trails off when my eye catches her suitcase propped against the two seater.

  It wasn’t there this morning. Why is it there now?

  I turned back to face her with panic in my throat.

  “What’s going on Zoe? Why’s your suitcase packed?” I was scared of the answer I could see in her eyes. She’s leaving me.

  She’s leaving me.

  But why?

  “I can’t do this.” She eventually said when it felt like eons had passed.

  “What baby, what can’t you do?” I was shaking my head at her, hoping she wouldn’t go, praying this is a joke.

  “I can’t be your girlfriend.” A tear ran down her cheek.

  “Why?”

  “I love you too much, and I know that I’ll lose you if I continue like this. If I become your girlfriend then I will lose you.”

  “Zoe, no. That makes no sense. I love you too I always have, now more than ever. Please don’t do this. I didn’t do anything.” I couldn’t think of what the hell I might have done now to cause this. Everything seemed fine this morning. Everything was perfect.

  “I saw you, with that woman. I went to meet you at work and I saw you.”

  Fuck. This was the result of my own stupidity. “I didn’t do anything with her. She came to see me and I told her I couldn’t see her ever again. I swear it Zoe. I would never cheat on you. Baby look at me, you have to believe me.” I was begging and I would beg more if I had to.

  She looked at me and searched my face and something softened in her eyes giving me hope, but then it disappeared.

  “Tristan, listen to me. Please.” She pulls in a breath and gazes deeply into my eyes. “I can’t live in the worry that something will happen one day, we’ll break up, and then that will be it. A lifetime of friendship will all be over, because we crossed the line.”

  “You don’t have to worry.” I tried to assure her. “All you have to do is trust me.”

  “Tristan, I know what you’re like. I’ve seen what happens to your girlfriends. I’ve seen it for myself. You can’t be committed to just one woman.”

  “I’m committed to you.” I said hoping she can look at me and see that I mean what I’m saying. “I mean it, Zoe if you know me, and I know you do, you know I’d never say something like that unless I meant it.”

  “I…” she closed her eyes and squeezed them tight, then she opened them and I saw fear. “I think you’ll try for me. For as long as you can, but then you’ll stop, and it will destroy me. Then I wouldn’t be able to see you ever again. It wouldn’t be like Brian or any of the others Tristan. It won’t because I didn’t love them.”

  She was telling me that she loved me, and I could see the fear of losing what we have all over her. She’s shaking from it. I wanted to tell her she has nothing to worry about again but those words aren’t powerful enough. Telling her that I love her again too isn’t going to do it either. I don’t know what to do and the panic of what was happening was crushing me.

  “Zoe, how can you just condemn me like that.”

  “I’m not, don’t you get it? I need you. I can’t imagine my damn life without you. I can’t lose you, so I’m doing the only thing I can to preserve what we have.”

  I shook my head at her, and take hold of her hands. “Zoe, you’re allowing fear to get in the way. I love you, I’m in love with you. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. You have to trust me. Try.”

  I’m trying.

  That’s the last ounce of strength I had. Except for my mom, Zoe is the first woman to hear me say I love you. She knows that, she has to, but the frightened look on her face says she’s sticking to her decision.

  “My heart can’t take it Tristan. I watched my mother fall apart after my dad left.”

  “I’m not like him.” I cut in. We never talked about her father’s departure much, but I knew it affected her and explained a lot with her attempts to choose men who were safe options. “I’m not. Please look at me. Baby, can’t you see how much I love you?”

  Instead of looking at me she actually looked away. “I can’t do this.” She breathed.

  My shoulders slumped because I’ve lost the game.

  I stared at the one person I’d ever fallen in love with, and I knew I’d lost. It killed me.

  “So that’s it…you’re leaving?”

  “I’m going to stay with Rachel for the weekend. I’ll be back on Sunday night.” She nodded and turns back to face me. “When I come back I’ll go back to being your best friend. It’ll be like none of this ever happened. Like we never opened that note. Like maybe we chose another one.”

  I gazed into her eyes and see how serious she is.

  I can’t do it. I can’t go back, I can’t go back to the place in time when she wasn’t mine. But I can’t tell her that now because I’ll lose her for good.

  So I moved when she gets up and I stand too even though I couldn’t feel my legs under me.

  She looked back before she went through the door, leaving me.

  I felt numb. Hollow as if my soul has been ripped from me.

  I felt like I’d lost everything that meant something to me, and I didn’t know what to do.

  Zoe

  I think I’m all cried out.

  I cried so much that there’s nothing left.

  Inside I felt desolate, like a part of me was missing, and I felt like I made the wrong decision.


  But how can it be wrong if logically I think I did the right thing?

  I couldn’t feel the answer, the answer that will fix this. I was usually so intuitive and insightful. I’m usually a woman with my head on my shoulders and I know what I want. I also know what I need. But, could that be because I always had Tristan to turn to. He was always there for me to run to, always there to balance my life.

  But, I just broke up with him on the thought that I could simply slip back into the past where we were friends.

  It’s night. Saturday night and I’m dreading going home tomorrow. All of that happened yesterday but feels like it was a long time ago.

  I was sitting on the terrace of Rachel’s apartment looking out towards the city lights off in the distance. I was fixated with a flashing white light that’s coming from Santa Monica Blvd. The light flashes in varying degrees of brightness. From a steady glow to one that overpowers the cascade of lights surrounding it. I think it’s a club and the lights must belong to its sign board.

  A slightly chilly breeze circles me and I pull the blanket I brought out here closer to my ears.

  It was around eight when I’d first come out here to think. I’d been out here for a few hours. Rachel’s guy had come by and I didn’t feel like talking and being sociable. I also didn’t want to be reminded that I had no guy. Or, rather that the guy I wanted was the one I was scared to have.

  Tristan looked so sad yesterday when I left him. He looked hurt, and I felt bad. I felt so bad because in essence this was happening because I didn’t trust him to be my boyfriend, and it would hurt less to simply be his best friend. I was choosing the easy option, or the position I thought was easiest.

  My thoughts waivered when I heard the sliding doors opening and Rachel came out with a steaming mug of hot chocolate. She’s mad at me. Has been since yesterday. She thought I overreacted.

  I felt it was easy for her to say because we’re so different when it comes to men. I want someone who will be mine, and my only. But she wants someone who will be there for the moment and it’s a bonus if they surpass that stage and end up staying together longer.

  I want the guy who will be committed to me, who will want to be with me always. But out of Rachel and I, I seem to be the one who gets hurt the most. I ended up with Brian, the man who’s married with children, who deceived me for the whole time I was with him, who made me the other woman who was never going to have any place in his life.

  I end up with Tristan, the man who I know to be the most notorious playboy I’ve ever met, and it’s him I’m in love with.

  Where’d I go wrong?

  “I brought this for you. It’s freezing out here. You should come inside. The last thing you need is a cold.” Rachel commented handing the mug to me which I took gratefully.

  “Thanks. I need it.” I gave her a little smile. She sits on the deck chair opposite me and pulls a tartan patterned blanket around her shoulders.

  “Rob seems nice,” I said, just to blend things over between us.

  “Yeah, he does.”

  “I hope I didn’t intrude on your plans.” I know she goes out whenever she got the chance and the fact that Rob came by suggested they had plans for the evening. I didn’t stay in the living room long enough to find out what that could have been.

  “We did have plans but they were easily rearranged.” She answers through a tight-lipped smile. She’s not done being mad at me.

  “I’m sorry. I’d be okay staying here if you guys want to go out. Or if you planned for him to stay here I can go to a hotel.”

  “Don’t be silly. You’ll do no such thing. If however the option was for you to go home and make up with Tristan I’d happily accept. If it’s not then I’ll see Rob sometime in the week.” She gave me a focused look and her eyes stare into me.

  “I feel lost Rachel.” I confessed, because that’s how I feel.

  “Maybe because you lost your compass.”

  “This is not the time to joke. I’m being serious.” I frowned, knitting my brows together.

  “Who said I was joking? I’m not joking. Tristan was your compass.” She nodded.

  I looked at her and try to not feel that twinge in my heart that understands straightaway what she means.

  “I had to end it with him,” I defended.

  “Honey, you are scared. Scared. That is what you are and nothing more, but it’s enough to blindside you. You’re scared to lose him forever if you guys have a big bust up and your relationship comes to an end. You think that means goodbye forever. It’s not the fact that you’ve known him to love the ladies a little too much. It’s more of the fact that you think that being his girlfriend means losing him one day.”

  God. It was quite a thing being around someone who knew me so well they could see straight through me and speak to my soul.

  I continued to look at her, knowing she was so right and a tear ran down my cheek.

  “You silly girl, you love that man so much you’re scared to lose him, so you lost him on your own terms.” Rachel added seeing that she was getting to me.

  “I hate feeling this way,” I cried.

  “What way?” Rachel sighed.

  “Torn, and confused. This never happens to you.”

  “No, I admit that it doesn’t. But the sad thing is I’ve never met a man I was in love with. I have loved but I’ve never been in love. You are in love and sweetie I’m going to tell you that you’ve been in love for a long time but it’s only now that love is breaking through that guard of being bestfriends.”

  Is she right?

  She seemed to be right about everything else. But was I in love with Tristan for as long as that?

  I thought back and recall our life together. We were from Chicago, I could have easily stayed there. I could have gone to any college in the world way back when we moved to LA. But I followed him. I did everything I could so that we were always together. We’d lived together for fifteen years. Who else did that? And, not to mention that long before we became a couple we acted like we were.

  I’d had no qualms sitting in his lap, cuddling up to him on the sofa and falling asleep in his arms. Walking around in my underwear and talking about stuff I’d only talk to Rachel about.

  Who was I kidding Rachel was right, again.

  “I don’t know what to do.”

  “Do you love him?” She asked with a soft smile.

  “Yes. I do. But –”

  “No.” She interrupted me. “That but, that’s where you’re making the mistake. There are no buts in love. I know that much. If you truly love him then you have to get rid of anything you fear. Get rid of the but this, and but that. That is what you have to do.” She nodded with conviction.

  I’m surprised by her words and I took them in. I take them in and I focus on what she’s saying. I focused on what she’s telling me and tried to push past that wall of fear.

  “You think it’s that simple?”

  “Zoe, it’s not just about what I think. It is simple, you know the guy. You’ve been with him for over twenty years. That lasted, and now you’re cutting off another twenty years because you fear you’ll lose him?” She shook her head and brought her hands up to her chin, templing her fingers at her lips.

  “I feel like there’s so much to worry about.”

  “There isn’t. You just have to trust him. I know him too, remember? I know he would never, ever hurt you. Trust me, when I say that, and ask yourself what you want.”

  I was listening, opening my heart, mind, body and soul and I’m listening. I heard what she said, and could feel my soul aching for Tristan.

  The question of what I want is so simple.

  “I want him.”

  Rachel smiled when I say that. “Then take him, and trust him, and remember no buts.”

  I pulled in a steady breath, filling my lungs with the cool night air and try to take my mind back to two nights ago. The night when I decided I wanted to be his. The night when I knew I loved him.

 
It’s working, the fear is going.

  Courage is what I need, so I try to find courage.

  I was still building that wall of strength as I made my way back home the next day. I left just after we had breakfast.

  I listened to Alanis Morissette’s last album as I drove back, trying to distract from the fear and anxiety I felt.

  The last song was still playing when I pulled up to the house and parked the car.

  He was home. His car is parked outside the garage.

  I get out of the car and walk slowly to the front door where I stop for a few minutes to think about what I’m going to say.

  I still don’t know. I’ve had the whole night to think about this and the whole morning but I still don’t know what the hell I’m going to say to him when I see him. I can follow through with my original plan and try to go back to the way we were. Forget all that happened and just put my efforts into that. Or I can take Rachel’s advice.

  I pull in a deep breath and the sweet smell of our rose garden fills me. I looked at it filled with mini pink and yellow roses. He’d had that garden made just for me when we first moved here, because they were my favorite flowers. There was a lot of things he’d done just for me and everywhere I looked I could see examples of it. Examples of his love.

  Pulling in a deep breath, I opened the door and went in. It was time to face my fears.

  Time to take courage.

  He was in the living room, sitting on the window ledge by the sliding doors that overlooked the beach.

  He had on a white tank top and slacks. His hair was ruffled just the way I liked it. He looked over to me with those piercing blue eyes that mirrored the sea, looking at me with the uncertainty I felt.

  My mind became a mass of turmoil as I opened my mouth to speak. It was like all the possible decisions I’d thought about clashed in tandem rendering my thought process immobile.

  Then all the emotion I felt for him welled within the confines of my heart, swelling to the point where I couldn’t breathe.

  He continued to stare at me, face stern, expression contemplative. I felt that awkwardness again, but not because he was making me feel awkward. It was because I was struggling to find the right words to say.