by J. M. Witt
My bottom needs you... :)
Emails continued throughout the day and night. We got on the topic of bringing in a third. He wanted another woman—shocking—and I wanted another man. The shocking part for me was how open he was to my idea. And, open to me inviting Jared in on it. Like that would happen with him being so far away. And, I wasn’t sure I’d know what to do with myself if they were ever in the same room together. The thought enticed and scared me to death at the same time. I could only imagine the shit the two of them would come up with. Gregor and I emailed until way past midnight and then were back at it first thing in the morning.
TO: [email protected]
6:54 AM
Subject: Re: Three down...
Sigh. So. Damn. Horny.
Yes, my mind has been reeling all night, asleep and awake. Thoughts of being face to face with you and Jared behind me...or vice versa...everything is throbbing.
Oh, I meant to say ‘Good morning.’ :)
TO: [email protected]
6:55 AM
Subject: Re: Three down...
So the vibrator didn’t help...?
Maybe the paddle will later.
TO: [email protected]
6:57 AM
Subject: Re: Three down...
It helped put me to sleep...for a short while.
I want you and your paddle in my bed now! (Stomps foot!) Lol.
TO: [email protected]
6:55 AM
Subject: Re: Three down...
When and where are you sucking this today?
He’d sent another dick pic and my mouth watered. God, I missed him. A few more emails went back and forth. We decided to meet for an early lunch and ‘negotiate’, or so he said. I was convinced he just wanted to make me squirm. Grabbing his jacket before I left, he’d had yet to get it back from me.
We decided on a small ‘hole in the wall’ joint in town. I arrived before he did and sat down in a booth and placed his jacket down beside me. A few minutes later he walked in and sat down, that fucking grin that undid me plastered on his face.
“How you doing?” His eyes were electric.
Pursing my lips, I smiled. “I’m good. You?”
“Better now.”
I just shook my head at him. Handing him his jacket, “Here you go.”
“Thank you.”
“No problem.”
“So. Are we really eating or are you going to get your ass paddled?”
Huffing, I chastised him, “I believe lunch was your idea, not mine.” He started laughing at me. “I’m going to choke you. I knew you were just doing everything you could to rile me up.”
“Maybe. And I’m the one who’s supposed to administer the choking.”
My face was hot and I knew he could see it. “Yes, well, I’m ready to go when you are.”
“We can’t leave now.”
Just then the waitress came over and asked for our drink order. I put my acting skills to work and groaned, “I’m not feeling very well. My throat is killing me. Something warm and creamy should help. Do you have any soup on the menu?” I knew full well that they didn’t serve soup and I watched as Gregor’s expression changed.
“We don’t have soup, but I can get you coffee or some hot chocolate.” She was clueless to my innuendo, but Gregor was shifting uncomfortably.
“Hot chocolate sounds great! Thank you.” Turning my eyes to him, I smiled brightly.
“I’ll have the same.” When the waitress walked away, he smirked. “That just earned you five extra strikes.”
Beaming, I replied, “Thank you, Sir. May I have another?”
“Six.” I raised my eyes, thinking. Lifting my leg under the table, I brushed my boot along his thigh. “Seven.”
I started chuckling.
“Keep it up and I’ll start taking them away.” I dropped my foot and clasped my hands in front of me. “Someone’s in love with my belt. Or is it my paddle?”
“You tell me.”
It was then that the bell to the front door rang and her voice grated through me. Shit! What the hell was she doing in this place? Gregor heard it, too, and when I looked to him, his eyes were on the door. I’d left the dominant spot of the booth for him, knowing he’d prefer to see who was coming and going. Something else, or someone else, was with Judith.
Shit!
Calmly, he whispered, “Remain calm.”
It was all he had to say to confirm what I already knew. Todd was with her. I was momentarily pissed. He’d never gone to lunch with me in the middle of the day, let alone a work day. The restaurant was tiny. There was no way they wouldn’t see us. Watching Gregor’s eyes as they rose, I knew one or both of them were walking over.
“Meredith?” He was surprised to see me here, let alone with another man.
Smiling, I turned. “Hey.” His eyes looked to Gregor and I was about to introduce them when he beat me to it.
“Gregor.” He stretched out his hand. He’d given him his preferred name, not his given name, William.
From what I could gather, Todd didn’t recognize him from the school, but Judith knew who he was. I could feel my palms sweating and my heart hammering. The waitress came over and dropped off our cups of hot chocolate as Todd moved to stand at Gregor’s side of the booth to make room for her. I watched his eyes as they lingered over Gregor’s jacket sitting on the seat next to him.
Gregor had no idea that Todd had seen that jacket. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Let it go, Todd. Please. Glancing back at Gregor and then to me, again, I knew he knew. Maybe not everything, but he knew something.
Looking to Gregor, he grunted, “Nice jacket.” I couldn’t look at him and then he just walked away. I heard him exchange some words with Judith and then heard the bell of the door.
“They left. What was that about the jacket?” He waited, but only a moment. “The jacket.” My eyes, glassy and stinging looked up to him. He sighed heavily. “What does he know?”
Shaking my head, “He found it and I told him I brought it home from a PTA meeting. That’s it.”
“Did he believe you?”
“Wha, I don’t know? He never brought it up again.” I knew what was going through his head. His exposure. Our exposure. I had no idea what was coming next, but it wasn’t what I expected.
“Go to Rodeo 1. I’ll be there in ten minutes. If it’s not clear, move to Rodeo 2.”
I didn’t have to ask if he meant now. His expression said it for him. Calmly as I could, I got up from the booth and headed for the door. Scanning the parking lot, I didn’t see Todd’s car or Judith’s massive SUV anywhere. Hopping in my own, I buckled up and headed toward Rodeo 1. I was trying not to panic, but it was hard. I had no idea what Todd would do, what he’d figured out, and I knew Gregor was going into protection mode as I drove. And that protection wasn’t in regards to me.
Rodeo 1 had cars and so did Rodeo 2. I sent him another text and he said Rodeo 3 was also compromised. Shit! Then an email came through and my heart raced as I read it.
TO: [email protected]
12:03 PM
Subject: Tonight
Can you meet tonight? I need to think about this. I can’t have Todd exposing us. Emotions can go haywire in a heartbeat.
The stinging behind my eyes and the tickle in my nose happened immediately. No, no, no, no... I had no way to control Todd and if I tried to confront him about it, it’d just make things worse.
TO: [email protected]
12:05 PM
Subject: Re: Tonight
Yes, the kids are with him tonight, unless he changes his mind. I’m really sorry. I will not reveal anything about you, us, to him.
TO: [email protected]
12:06 PM
Subject: Re: Tonight
I’ll be in touch...
I sat there for a few minutes in shock. Everything was going so well and now I didn’t know what was going on. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I drove home. I wasn’
t home for five minutes when someone knocked on the front door. Nearly sprinting, I flung the door open and I know my jaw dropped.
“Can we talk?”
Closing my eyes, I shook my head in disbelief. She was the last person I wanted to talk to. I knew she had a history with Gregor—her ex-husband being a good friend of his. What could she possibly want to talk about? I couldn’t reveal anything to her because she’d just tell Todd.
“I guess.” I didn’t want her in my house, but I wasn’t going to stand out in the cold with her either.
We stood in my entryway and I moved to my office. Sitting behind my desk, she took the chair across from me. Spotting the email from Gregor, I closed my laptop—not that she could see it anyway. I stared at her and realized she was nervous. This was a side to her I wasn’t used to.
“Judith, you came here. What do you want?”
“All I’ve ever wanted is him.” Her voice was broken and I tried to be sympathetic while on the inside I was gagging.
“You have him. You’ve always had him.”
Her doe brown eyes lifted to mine and she shook her head. “You’re the mother of his kids, it’s different.”
I sighed. “Judith, listen. I don’t want Todd back. You may feel like he chose me, but he never let go of you. So, honestly, I feel like we both got screwed over by him. But, I can promise you. He will never be back in my bed or in my heart like he was. I’ve moved on and need to keep doing so for my own sanity and for the sake of my kids.”
“Is there something going on with you and Gregor?”
This was none of her business. “He’s a friend.”
Her eyes scrutinized me and that statement. “He and my ex are really close.” I tried to look like I didn’t already know this information. “He has dirt on me and could’ve really screwed me over.” She paused, “He didn’t and I’m not sure why.”
I exhaled. “Well, based on what I know about him. If the information was just going to make things worse for both of you during the divorce, that’s why Gregor didn’t use it. He’s a peacekeeper and protector.”
She met my eyes again and then looked out the window. Nodding her head, she agreed. “You’re probably right. Had he shared that info, I’d have had nothing after the divorce.”
“Judith, I don’t want to know anymore. Whether it’s about Todd or not, I just... I can’t know anymore.”
“I understand. I know I’m the last person who should be giving any kind of advice, but I hope you know what you’re doing.”
Standing, I just smiled and said, “Thank you.”
“You know he’s not going to leave his wife for you, right? They never leave their wives.”
I laughed and snorted. “Um, really? He left me for you didn’t he?”
Shrugging her shoulders, she said, “Like you said, we’re different.”
I walked to my front door and opened it for her. “Yes, we’re all different.”
She didn’t say another word and neither did I. After closing the door and sitting back at my desk, I had no idea what the hell had just happened. Did she know Gregor and I were fucking? Did Todd? My head was pounding. Taking my phone with me, I laid down in my bed.
Startled, I woke an hour later. No email awaited. It was still early and he’d said ‘tonight’. I tried to remain calm. His email didn’t come until dinner time.
TO: [email protected]
6:13 PM
Subject: Re: Tonight
Can’t meet tonight. Something came up.
I’ll be in touch.
My heart dropped into the pit of my stomach. I had a horrible feeling that everything had just gotten royally screwed up. I couldn’t lose him, not like this. Losing him needed to be on my terms. If it wasn’t, I knew there was a possibility I’d never recover.
Chapter Forty-One
SALVATION
A WEEK PASSED. The emails weren’t like they’d been. He was pulling back and it was taking everything I had to keep it together and not scream at him in email. I had enough sense and sanity not to call him, but that didn’t mean the urge wasn’t there. He exercised control in all things. I knew this. Even when he was being irrational—which wasn’t often, that I knew of—he was in control.
Salvation by Gabrielle Aplin was playing. The lyrics—like so many—spoke to me. It touched on all parts of him; his eyes, his effect over me, him walking into my life when I needed him most—even when I didn’t know it myself. We were worlds away from one another and when we collided, we never expected that in the wreckage, we’d find something so wonderful.
The utter despair I could let myself sink into, if I let myself, was constantly present. He wasn’t my White Knight or my Prince Charming. And Lord knows I didn’t need or expect him to rescue me. If anything, he was my Dark Prince.
Staring at the beauty of the snowfall, my thoughts were heavy on him. The snow represented innocence, purity, and looked like a blank canvas begging to be painted on. The complete opposite of me. I was no longer innocent, or pure, and my body and heart had clearly been colored upon. If you looked close enough you could see his marks, both inside and out.
And then, more poetry came.
Standing at the riverbed of your love
Waiting for your hands to pull me under
Slowly, I step closer to your tide
Hands, like the waves, wash over me
Drifting in and out of your current
Impossible to quell the desire
Unbearable to turn back, I fall
I succumb, floating closer to you
Looking above, the rain falls down
Unlike my tears, cooling my fevered face
Sinking, I feel you all around me
Underwater, bathed in every part of you
Your touch is like a siren’s call
Willingly, I drown again and again
I sent him an email, missing his quick wit like never before.
TO: [email protected]
12:35 PM
Subject: Hey
I know you’re swamped with work and other bullshit...me included. Hope all is well.
Thinking of you.
He responded later that afternoon.
TO: [email protected]
3:17 PM
Subject: Re: Hey
You’re special bullshit though... :)
I will try to find a time to meet soon.
Sighing, I replied. He was always vague enough to leave me wondering, yet hopeful enough to keep me hanging on.
TO: [email protected]
3:20 PM
Subject: Re: Hey
Glad you still feel I’m special. My sentiments are the same.
The kids are with Todd rest of this week.
Yes, I threw in my availability because I just never knew if he was talking about meeting today or in two months. I laughed at that and got back to work on editing. I was up to my knees in editing when his email came through.
TO: [email protected]
6:11 PM
Subject: Re: Hey
Running to the store and some other errands after the kids are in bed.
Can you meet at Rodeo 1 around 9pm?
TO: [email protected]
6:13 PM
Subject: Re: Hey
Yes. Shouldn’t be a problem.
He didn’t respond, but I knew he would as it got closer. He texted me close to 9 and said he was on his way to Rodeo 1. Fear and anxiety tore through me. Part of me didn’t want to go, but I also wanted, no needed, to see him. Even if it was for the last time.
Pulling into the lot, the only other vehicle there was his truck. Every memory we’d shared in that backseat flashed through me like an electric shock. The night he’d asked me to stay, I should’ve said yes. I still didn’t know what he’d meant, whether he wanted me to stay for an hour or all night, and I would’ve done either had he persisted.
I parked my SUV as dread continued to creep up my spine. I couldn’t
do it. I couldn’t get out of my vehicle and face him. I had a bad feeling and I wasn’t ready to let him go. He was sitting in the dark at our picnic table, waiting, and I wondered how long he would wait. The tears, unlawfully, began falling from my eyes as I pressed the palms of my hands over them.
I became distracted by the song playing and was startled when the door opened. I inhaled a sharp breath, trying to compose myself. “Mer, come here. We need to talk.”
He took my hand and led me to the table where we both sat down. My body was trembling and he was well aware of it. I tried closing myself off to him, but his power over me was still prevalent, and I feared it always would be. He stroked my face as I leaned into his hand, his other arm wrapping around me as his warmth cocooned me.
Turning my face to his, he whispered, “I’m going to miss those deep eyes.” I covered my face as the tears started flowing again and he wrapped his arms around me. “We have to end this Meredith. We agreed to ‘no falling in love’. Let alone everything else that’s happened.”
“Why would I ever admit that I love you?” My voice cracked as I avoided his eyes. “It’s the one thing you said not to do, the one thing I knew if I admitted to...” I stopped talking as my body began to shake.
“When, how long?” He pulled my face to his and stroked it the way only he could. I knew then that he had come to see me that night as I lay asleep in the hospital. “This wasn’t supposed to break up your marriage. You’re getting a divorce.”
“Todd and I had problems long before you came in the picture. You know that. Are you telling me that if you found out Amy was having an ongoing affair, since before you married, you’d be ok with that?”
He ignored my last question as he so often ignored many of my questions. “This was supposed to help us both find balance and peace. Not find love.”
“Sometimes we find what we least expect when we need it most.”
“Mer...”
I was growing angry. I knew he felt it and I was going to deny it until he admitted it. I’d never even said it to him and he was acting like I made some big proclamation. “I’m not in love with you. Don’t flatter yourself.” I was fighting my emotions with everything I had so that I could keep him. And he knew how stubborn I was.