by J. M. Witt
I saw him fight the smirk as he floored me with his comment. “I didn’t say you were.” I looked in his eyes and my heart cracked in half. I know what I saw in his eyes, I’d seen it for a while and he could deny it all he wanted, but maybe he’d just admitted it. “You said you were.”
I took in a shaky breath and denied it. “No, no I didn’t.”
Shaking his head softly, he reaffirmed, “But you did. In my garage.” He took a deep breath. “I should’ve ended it then and there.”
I knew the exact moment he was referring to. I thought it’d been just a thought, but I must’ve said it out loud. Covering my face, I began to choke on my own sobs. He pulled me close and let me bury my face in his chest. When I was calm enough to breathe, I lifted my head and struggled to make eye contact with him.
Pressing his forehead to mine he confessed, “I’m going to miss you.”
Greif and anger tore through me. “Tell me. Tell me it was at least real, that I’m not crazy.” He searched my eyes. “It became more than just sex for you, too. Please give me at least that much.”
Sighing, “It did, it is. That’s why we can’t continue.” He ran his hand over his forehead, “And now Todd and Judith might know.”
I just shook my head. “You know how unhappy I am, was, at home and in that marriage. You wouldn’t be here with me if you were happy, too.” I suddenly lost my words, unsure of what I wanted to say next. “Ugh, this is wrong. It’s all wrong.”
“But for a while it was beautiful and so right, Mer.”
“Then why are you ending it? It can still be beautiful and right. We make each other happy; fulfill needs and desires that no one else can.” He didn’t say anything. Then I confessed what I was pretty sure he already knew. Crying out, “Nobody knows me like you do. I can love you from afar.” I was pathetic, but I didn’t care.
“Mer, you’ll find another person to meet your needs. It just can’t be me. I can’t just walk away from her and the kids.”
And there it was. I never expected him to walk away from his kids. They were his world. I just thought his happiness would mean more to him. I said from the beginning that I wasn’t naive and knew he’d never leave her for me. But somewhere along the way as feelings grew and our relationship blossomed, hope planted itself inside me that we’d become more than just play partners, confidants, and lovers.
I was a fool. I wasn’t going to argue with him. Only he could change his mind, I couldn’t do that for him.
Cupping my face between his hands, he forced me to look at him. “I’m releasing you. We’re no longer tied to one another.”
I couldn’t leave without one more kiss. I pressed my lips to his and he reveled in it as much as I did. He kissed the tears as they fell to our joined mouths, never letting go of my face.
Breathless, I pulled away. “That’s where you’re wrong. We’ll always be tied to one another. It’d be impossible not to be given the world you opened up to me. Whether you know it or not, you saved my life.”
I got up and he growled, “Don’t walk away from me.”
Turning on him I cried, “I’m not walking away from you. All I want is you. Even if it’s just a small piece on rare occasions. You’re the one walking away.” He didn’t say a word. He sank back down to the bench of the table. And being the prideful bitch I could be, I stuck the knife in further. “I may enjoy kneeling in front of you and submitting to you, but I will not give you my pride and dignity.”
With that I got back in my SUV. I restarted the song that had been blasting when I first pulled up. For You by Rae Morris started over as the tears poured down my cheeks. It took everything I had to drive away from him that night. If, and that was a big if, he wanted to talk to me he knew where to find me.
I borrowed someone who didn’t belong to me. It was magical and everything I never expected. It was everything I needed. But our ruse was over. Never to be forgotten or regretted.
Not even aware of what I was doing until I did it, I stopped at the local party store and picked up a pack of cigarettes. Sitting in the parking lot, I smoked a couple, which was enough to curb the hurt, but made me nauseous in return.
I debated about calling Tami or Jared, but decided against it. They’d dealt with enough of my problems and had their own issues to deal with. I was a big girl and I had to get through this on my own, as much as it hurt. Picking up a third cigarette, I smoked it down, nearly gagging halfway through.
“Stupid.” I threw the remaining pack out the window and drove home.
Walking into the house, the quiet that I normally craved, confounded me. Tears still rolled down my cheeks as I walked through to my bedroom. I put on my pajamas, grabbed a bottle of wine—no, I didn’t get a cup—and the ice cream. Sitting down on the couch, I turned the TV on and searched for something to watch. Nothing sounded good.
Picking up my phone, I had an email waiting from him.
“Fuck you!”
I didn’t even read it and seriously debated about deleting my email account and creating a new one. Clutching my phone, the sobs broke free once more. Pulling my knees up to my chest, I hugged my legs and cried the way only Gregor had seen me cry.
An hour later my phone pinged again.
“Jesus Christ.”
TO: [email protected]
10:29 PM
Subject: Home
Did you make it home?
TO: [email protected]
11:37 PM
Subject: Re: Home
Don’t ignore me.
Asshole. He had no right anymore to order me around.
TO: [email protected]
11:41 PM
Subject: Re: Home
I’m home. You released me, remember?
I didn’t hear back from him. Belly completely full of crap and aching, I crawled into bed that night, his playlist serenading me to sleep. I found myself smiling and crying as I recounted the memories each of those songs represented.
I woke several hours later, in the same position and the music still playing. Turning it off, I checked to see that there were no more emails. Rolling to my stomach, I clutched my pillow and fell back to sleep.
Several weeks passed. It got easier, yet more difficult. I didn’t run into him at school and wasn’t sure if he was avoiding me. Again, it was a big school and I didn’t even know who he was until all of this started all those months ago.
That Saturday I ran into Joplin’s to pick up some groceries. Grabbing a bottle of water, it was then that I saw him. He was at another register and I froze. I couldn’t not look at him. My eyes quickly looked at the throngs of people near him. I didn’t see his wife, but then I saw his kids. I certainly couldn’t just walk over and say ‘hey’. I probably would’ve broken down.
His eyes met mine as he walked by and the slight falter in his step wasn’t lost on me. I felt it too. I let my lips curl up to a half smile and watched as he walked out the door. He didn’t look back and that’s when the ‘hard’ part of all of this came to the surface. We’d discussed early on the problems that could arise from being in the same town. This would be one of the problems. I would have to get used to running into him from time to time.
I didn’t cry. Though I wanted to. I called Tami.
“Just breathe, girl.”
“I am. I just, I wasn’t expecting to see him. I nearly fell over when I spotted him.”
“Are you home this evening?”
“Yes. Headed home now with no plans.”
“Ok. I’ll be in touch. Maybe we can hang out.”
“That sounds lovely.”
Walking into my house, I had a moment of panic thinking about cleaning since Tami was thinking of coming over. Then it dawned on me that the house was clean, the kids with Todd and Judith.
Part of me loved that Todd and Judith were together. As long as she treated my kids well and they fucked up her house like they did mine, we’d all get along just fine! I could just picture her in tears as on
e of my hooligans smeared their dirty boots on one of her Persian rugs. It brought me way more pleasure than I’d ever admit.
I was on the phone when the doorbell rang a couple hours later. Opening the door, he was the last person I expected to find on my doorstep. His blues eyes shone at me and his big grin took my breath away. Without caring, I disconnected the call and threw my arms around his neck.
Chapter Forty-Two
BAD INTENTIONS
THE EMOTION IN MY voice was evident. “What are you doing here?”
His arms held me tight as he spoke softly, “A little bird told me you could use a friend.”
Squeezing each other tighter, I praised ‘little bird’, “I love Tami.” Pulling back from him, he wiped the lone tear rolling down my cheek. “Is Heather with you?”
Shaking his head, “No. I figured this was a trip I should make solo.” I nodded as he asked, “You going to invite me in?”
“Yes! Sorry. Come on in.” He had a suitcase with him and I smiled. Apparently he was staying and I didn’t mind. “I can’t believe you’re here!”
Shrugging his shoulders, “We might have been planning this for a couple weeks. With everything going on, we wanted to make sure you didn’t have the kids, etc.”
“Yes, that’d be hard to explain.”
We laughed. “So, you’ve been quiet the past few weeks. What’s going on?” I hadn’t told him about Gregor ending things. “When did he end it, what happened?”
Chin starting to tremble, I folded my arms across my chest. He walked over and pulled me to him. “I screwed everything up. I knew I shouldn’t have told him I loved him.”
“So you did tell him?”
“Not like you think. It slipped out during a scene.”
I heard him sigh. “Ok. That’s not uncommon. Scenes can be very emotional. Was he paddling you?”
I nodded against his chest, “To the point of tears.”
“Did he end it then or?”
“No, he waited. Todd and Judith saw us at a restaurant together. He ended it shortly after that.”
He blew out a breath. “Wow, did he fuck things up.”
I pulled back and leered at him. “What?”
“If it was the ‘love’ thing, he would’ve, should’ve, ended it the minute you said it. Or at least stopped the scene, gotten you out of subspace and then talked to you about it.” Moving us to the couch, he pulled me to his side. “What happened with the rest of the scene?”
“Umm. He didn’t paddle me anymore after I said it, though I thought I just said it in my head. Whatever, doesn’t matter now. He went down on me, but didn’t fuck me like he planned. He later said he knew that I needed the emotional release, not the fucking.”
He chuckled as I looked at him. “He’s got it bad.”
“Ugh.” I dropped my head back to his shoulder. “No, he doesn’t.”
“Whatever.”
“Yes, whatever. It’s over and is what it is.”
“Has he emailed?”
I shook my head. “Not since that night to make sure I got home ok.”
“This isn’t over.” He stopped me from looking at him, holding me tight. “Don’t argue with me. Just trust me. He’s not finished with you.” I started crying again at his words. “What can I do, Mer?”
“You’re doing it. I just want someone to hold me.”
Pulling me to my feet, he took my hand. “Come on.”
He led me to my bedroom and crawled on the bed. He opened his arms and I crawled in next to him and let him hold me. Jared held me in his arms for over an hour and it helped. I really did just need someone to hold onto and he knew that. A small giggle left my mouth and he laughed.
“You want something. What is it?”
“Massage!”
“Done. On one condition.” I looked at him and he gave me his condition. “You massage me first.”
“Done!”
Sitting up, he moved forward and climbed behind him on the bed. Without asking, he yanked his sweater over his head.
Sighing, “You trying to distract me?”
“Yes, yes I am.” Grinning back at me he asked, “Is it working?”
“Maybe.” I started in on his shoulders as he groaned. “So, how are things with you?”
“They’re good.”
His tone was slightly somber. “You sure about that?”
Shrugging, he mumbled, “Heather is pulling back. The divorce is getting ugly, exactly what she didn’t want.”
“Is she pulling away or just really stressed? I know that the process is really just beginning for Todd and me. We’ve agreed on most everything, but now we wait for a judge to sign off.”
“Her ex is being nasty. Bringing up the infidelity on her part.”
Sighing, “Well even my attorney said there’s really no point in bringing that up because a judge will typically discount it. Unless there’s some reason to believe the kids are in jeopardy.” He looked back at me as I laughed. “I know you’re not a threat to her kids. Sounds like he’s just on a power trip.”
“Yeah. Something like that.”
My hands worked lower down his back. “Does she know you’re here?”
“She knows I’m in Michigan. She knows you’re here.”
“Jared?”
Reaching back, he put his hand on my knee. “Don’t worry about it. We’re fine. We’ll be fine. I think I needed the time away and a friend as much as you do.”
“You can say that again. Every girl needs a friend like you.”
He laughed at that. “I’ve missed your humor.”
“I should go on tour.”
When my hands were thoroughly sore we switched spots. The first thing he did was pull my hair aside and kissed the nape of my neck. It was enough to send tingles through me. Tingles I hadn’t felt in a long time. Since the ‘break up’, if you could call it that, with Gregor it was like my libido had been turned off.
His fingers dug in and I instantly relaxed. “Oh, God. I almost forgot how good you are at this.”
“You need a full body massage.”
“Hmm. I wouldn’t turn it down.”
Leaning in, he whispered, “Maybe later.”
The chill ran over my entire body as he continued working on my sore muscles. He always managed to find things that were sore on me that I didn’t even know existed.
I couldn’t resist asking. “Did you bring your goodies with you?”
His voice was low and tempting. “Maybe.”
“Handcuffs?”
“Guess you’ll have to wait and find out.”
And... Puddle in my panties. Thank God. I wasn’t broken.
A long while later he said, “So what now?”
I leaned back into him as he wrapped his arms around me. “Honest?” He nodded. “I’m starving.”
“Eat in or out?”
“Um, takeout maybe?”
“Perfect.”
He put his sweater back on and I threw on a hoodie. We got in his rental and headed up to the closest plaza. Deciding on Chinese, we went in while he looked over the menu. We placed our order and then sat down at the window booth and waited. We were laughing, I was laughing, and it felt so good. I hadn’t laughed like this in such a long time.
Following his gaze, he was looking at something in the parking lot. “See something?”
He shook his head. “Thought I saw something. Just someone staring at us.”
My eyes scoured the parking lot through the window. My first thought was Gregor and then Todd. I guess it didn’t really matter. I was a free woman and could be seen with whomever I wanted. Our food was ready and he paid for it and then we climbed back into his rental. I climbed in before he did. When he sat down he asked what I wasn’t expecting.
“Gregor drive a truck?”
“Umm, yes. Why?”
“Just curious.” I glared at him and he laughed. “Sorry. I don’t even know what he looks like so I’m sure I’m just being paranoid.”
<
br /> I sighed, “Can we go eat please? I just... Yeah. I can’t even.”
“What is it? Him seeing you with me or the thought of both of us.”
I started cracking up. “Well, both.” I immediately got very hot. “Roll down the windows. Shit!”
Laughing, he put the window lock on before I could get my window down. “You ass!”
“I like you all hot and bothered.”
“I know you do! But you’re still an ass.”
After eating, which I didn’t do very much of, we were on the couch and he was rubbing my shoulders again. Bad Intentions by Niykee Heaton was playing. My imagination started going crazy at the prospect of both of them at the same time. Jared and Gregor at the same time... I might die. Gregor and I had discussed adding a third, male and female had both been options, but I didn’t think there was any way I could handle a second Dom in the room and had said as much to Gregor.
Now that I’d experienced Jared, all I wanted was him in the same room with Gregor and me. I wanted them both to manipulate me. Knowing now it would likely never happen. I thought about the two of them collaborating as to what would happen before the time came. I wanted to know that they discussed me in the dirtiest of ways, about how to get the most pleasure from using me as their sex slave.
I shook the thought away as I felt Jared’s breath against my ear. His lips started kissing my neck as he pulled me back to him. “Jared...”
“Tell me what you want, Meredith.”
Cooing, “This. Turn it all off. Please.”
Turning my chin, he looked in my eyes. “I’m not Gregor.”
Somberly, I replied. “I know that.”
“Ok.” He kissed me then made his demands. “Get undressed and wait for me. I want you kneeling on the floor.”
“Yes, Sir.”
“Good girl.”
We walked to the bedroom and I started to undress. Before he left the room, he pulled a blindfold out of his bag and handed it to me.