One or Two Things I Learned About Love

by Dyan Sheldon

  Connor called me as soon as he got home. He wanted to know how my day was. I said oh you know. Quiet.

  It’s just as well your nose doesn’t really grow when you lie. I probably wouldn’t be able to fit in the car by now.

  Connor begged me not to go to pottery tonight. He said he knows how much it means to me but he hopes he means a lot to me, too. (How cute is that?) He wouldn’t ask, but what with the championship and the Bowden men’s annual Labor Day fishing trip, we’re not going to see so much of each other for the rest of the summer. What’s he going to do when he can only see me on weekends? It’ll be like being in jail (but without the cell and the drab clothes and the bad food). How could I say no? But I didn’t want him to hang out here all night in case my mom or Zelda said something about me going to the beach yesterday, so I told him I was yearning for pizza. He said my wish is his command. To kill time and lessen the chance of any of the Big Mouth D’Angelos saying anything to Connor, I dawdled over dinner. It took me ages to decide what I was having. When I finally did make up my mind, and our meals came, if I’d eaten any slower we’d have still been there for lunch tomorrow. By the time we got back, my mom was over at Gran’s, my dad was in bed, and Gus and Zelda were building a wooden dinosaur in the living room. Gus joked that every time I go out with Connor I have an accident. She said at least I’d stopped limping. Connor said he knew I’d be fine if I stayed off my foot for a day. Zelda was concentrating on the dinosaur and oblivious. But Gus glanced over at me. She didn’t say anything about the beach though. All she did was grunt. Connor was looking at me, too. I grabbed his hand and said since it was such a nice night we should sit in the backyard. Now that we practically have a deck. Blissblissbliss. Finally we took a break and I went to get us a cold drink. When I got back he had my cell out. Again. I said, “Don’t tell me you thought I had another call?” He said no he was just curious who was in my phonebook. You know, because he wants to know everything about me. He said, “We don’t have secrets from each other, right?” It sure doesn’t look like it, does it? I said, “Of course not.” He wanted to know who G is. I said that’s my gran. See, it’s a landline. Remember I told you she only has a landline because she’s the enemy of technology? And Grady? Who’s Grady? I said, “You met Grady at Movie Club. He’s going out with Maggie.” Connor said, “You call him?” I said I might. You know, if there was an emergency and Maggie was with him and her phone had been run over by a car or eaten by a shark or something, I might call Grady to get hold of her. And Mike? I said, “You know, Michelle Sambucca, the girl I swapped shifts with?” I know it sounds dumb but I was feeling kind of uncomfortable. Even more uncomfortable than I felt in the restaurant that time. I told him to put down my phone and he said, “In a minute, this is interesting.” I was beside him so I saw him hit my sent messages. I said, “Come on, Connor. I want to talk to you, not look at the top of your head.” He said OK. Only he didn’t put it down. Then he wanted to know why I was texting Ely. Ely! It’s amazing how you can feel guilty when you have nothing to feel guilty about. At least I can. I’m getting immensely good at it. Connor was reading one of my texts. What did I mean I’d talk to him on Tuesday? And that there was nothing to worry about? I said I didn’t mean anything. It was just something for work. What? I said the first thing that came into my head. Potatoes. Ely was worried we were going to run out of potatoes. And then I saw Connor go for my inbox. He’d see Ely’s texts to me. There was no way “I’m worried about you again” and “make sure you do” sounded like they had much to do with potatoes. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t order him to put my phone down because then he’d get even more suspicious. I was floundering in another ocean of whys. Why did I ever text anyone? Why didn’t I delete all my messages? Why did I even have a dumb phone? So I panicked. Once again. Action not thought. I made a move as if I was going to hand him his iced tea, but instead I kind of stumbled and spilled it all over him. I don’t know what got into me. Really. I’ve never done anything like that before in my whole life. I kept saying how really sorry I was. And I was really sorry. He was soaked. He said he thought I’d killed my phone. I acted as if that was the worst thing that could’ve happened.

  Ely wanted to know if I’d lost my phone or something. Since it wasn’t attached to my hand for a change. I said or something. He said you mean there’s been a discouraging word said on the high plains of love? Did you and Mr Coffee have a fight? He didn’t say “another”, but I could tell from the way he was straightening out the tomatoes that he was thinking it. So I had to explain how I’d accidentally drowned my phone. Death by iced tea. He said he wished he’d thought of that. He would’ve done it weeks ago. What a relief it was to have me actually totally present for a change instead of either checking my phone or wandering around in the netherworld of misery and heartbreak unable to find the way out. I whacked him with a bunch of spinach. He whacked me back with a bunch of scallions. It’s very lucky that Blue Eyeshadow Lady pulled in right then or it could have turned really ugly. But I have to be no-eyes-but-mine-shall-ever-see-this honest here. Even though it’s weird not getting any messages from Connor, I was a little relieved myself. Not to be out of touch with him. Just not to have to be looking at my phone all the time. Or to feel that he’s watching me. Somehow. And also because now I don’t have to delete all the messages that were on my old phone.

  So tonight I had to talk to Connor on the landline. Public as a statue in a park. Can you imagine what it must’ve been like before cell phones were invented? When people only had landlines? And not just that. Gran says when she was a kid they only had one phone for all of them. How did you get any privacy? Gran says she used to take the phone out into the garage. And in the winter she’d have to wear a coat and a hat. Thank God it’s summer, that’s all I can say. I managed to get the house phone out to the porch so at least I wasn’t right in the middle of everyone. Usually the only person on the porch is Mrs Claws. Lying in wait. But not tonight. Of course. There was enough traffic for a train station the day before Thanksgiving. First Dad came home. He wanted to know what I was doing. I said I was sitting on the porch. Then Zelda came out to put her dinosaur hat on Mrs Claws. Then she just stood there staring at me like the Daughter of Satan. I asked her what she was doing. She said, “Nothing.” I said, “So do it somewhere else.” Then my dad went out again because he forgot the milk. Then Gus left. She said, “What are you doing sitting on the porch? It’s going to rain.” I said, “It isn’t raining yet.” It started to rain. Gus came back. She said people are going to think I’m weird sitting on the porch talking on the phone in the rain. Since the only people who could actually see me were the parents of Louie, I figured I’d take my chances. Two minutes later Mrs Masiado came over. As soon as she saw me she started telling me how she hardly sees me any more and stepped on Mrs Claws’ tail. Mrs Claws and Mrs Masiado both did the Evil Spirit from the Curse of the Pharaoh’s Tomb scream. It was so loud Connor dropped his phone. Mrs Masiado had to sit down for a few minutes to get her breath back. Mrs Masiado went inside. When she came out again, she left very carefully. Gran came over with a box of homemade preserves and pickles. She said let me guess who you’re talking to. Dad came back with a bag full of groceries. Zelda came out and took her dinosaur hat off Mrs Claws. Scorsese came over three times because he saw me sitting there and was hoping there might be some food involved. Hitchcock came over and sat on my lap. Dad went back out to get the milk.

  In the few minutes we actually had to talk, Connor said he really missed me today. He said it’s torture not being able to text me or talk to me all day. He feels like he’s stranded on a desert island. Only with AC, coffee and chocolate muffins. He kept thinking something horrible had happened to me. (I never realized what an enormous responsibility love is. It’s like being captain of a ship.) He was so worried he would’ve left work just to come to the stand to make sure I was all right, but it would’ve been easier to levitate than get away because they were so busy. (How sweet is that?) Was
I sure that my phone’s really gone to electronics heaven? Had I tried it since I got home? I said I’d had a quiet funeral for it. So when was I going to replace it? I said probably not till Sunday when I can get to the mall. He said he’ll be counting the seconds.

  After Connor hung up Nomi checked in. She said it must be killing Connor not to text me every three-and-a-half minutes. I said you really do exaggerate you know. But I told her how he wanted to go to the stand to make sure I was all right. Nomi wanted to know what’s going to happen when school starts and I’m incomunicada for most of the day. Is Connor going to turn up in the middle of Language Skills because he hasn’t heard from me since breakfast?

  Dreamed I was in art class. Richie Deckle was at the table across from me. We were making figures from papier mâché. I was just saying to Richie that I thought one of the horns was off on his goat when Connor burst into the room. He shouted, “I knew I’d catch you together!” Woke up feeling guilty.

  Connor called my mom to call Ely to tell me that he was going to pick me up from work tonight on the way to his strategy meeting (for softball – how much strategy can there be?) so not to leave early or anything. Ely wanted to know what the occasion was. “Don’t tell me it’s your anniversary.” I said don’t be ridiculous. Our first date was much earlier in the month. He started laughing so much he caused an avalanche of potatoes. Which if you ask me was God stepping in on my side because by the time we’d picked them all up he’d forgotten about it.

  Green Pick-up Guy was buying some corn and we were discussing the best way of roasting it on the barbecue when Connor pulled in. Connor usually just honks his horn or waves but this time he got out of the car and came over. I introduced them. Connor said, “Hi.” Green Pick-up Guy said, “So you’re the lucky fella. Nice to meet you.” Connor mumbled something about being in a hurry. He was standing there, almost smiling, but it felt like he was tapping his foot and scowling. When we got in to his car he said, “So that’s the guy who bought you the fan.” I said yeah. He said he thought Green Pick-up Guy was old. I said he is old. He has to be at least 25. Connor thinks I should give Green Pick-up Guy the fan back. He says it doesn’t look right for me to take gifts from other men. I could think of a few answers to that. Green Pick-up Guy isn’t “other men,” he’s Green Pick-up Guy. For Pete’s sake, it’s a paper fan, not a diamond. And if you’re including yourself in the category of “men” you’re stretching the definition because you’re talking like you’re ten. But I didn’t say any of them. I know he only says stuff like that because he loves me. If he didn’t, what would he care how many paper fans guys gave me? So I said I’d give it back.

  Connor wouldn’t tell me why he’d picked me up till we got to the house. Then he ordered me to put out my hands and close my eyes. I said, “And you’ll give me something to make me wise?” He said, “Absolutely.” And you know what he gave me? A new phone! He couldn’t wait for me to get out to the mall to buy one myself. But it’s not just a new phone like I would’ve bought. One that makes calls and takes messages, that kind of thing. This is a really expensive, state-of-the-art-on-every-galaxy-in-the-universe phone. It’s not just smart, it’s a genius. It does everything but microwave your supper and dry your hair. Connor was really excited. He kept asking me if I liked it. And I kept hugging him and saying, “Yesyesyes, I love it.” He grabbed it out of my hand to show me that besides standing on its head and speaking 20 languages fluently, it takes amazing photos and videos. So now when we’re not together I can take a picture or short film of myself so it’ll be just like he’s with me. For just a second I imagined the phone watching me wherever I went and calling Connor to tell him what I was doing. Is this what Alexander Graham Bell had in mind when he invented the telephone? Probably not.

  Spent most of the night putting what numbers I could into my new phone. Went on Facebook to send messages to my friends on there (well, the ones I actually know, not the friends of friends of friends of friends who met somebody once at a party) and discovered that I have even less than I thought. It’s like they really have vanished into the ether.

  Got my first texts on my new phone. Connor wanted me to send him a picture but I was brushing my teeth so I sent him a photo of the toothpaste. He texted back that he didn’t know I squeeze in the middle. He may have to rethink our relationship. (How hilarious is that?)

  Put the phone in my bag for the night.

  Connor’s working today because he has a game on Saturday so I went over to Nomi’s to get the phone numbers I’m missing from her. Wound up in hammocks in the garden. We were there hours. We played about a hundred rounds of the IF game. If you could go anywhere in the world at any time… If you could meet anybody past, present or future… If you could invite any ten people to a party… If you were stranded on an island because of a storm… We were laughing so much that Mrs Hallihan next door thought maybe we were being torn apart by terrorist chickens and were shrieking in agony. Usually, no matter what the IF is (dinner, shopping, a train ride through India…), Nomi wants to do it with her ancestors. But today Nomi decided that if she was on an old ship crossing the seven seas she’d want the other passengers to be from different centuries. So she could find out how much grief Mary got for getting pregnant before she was married. And if Columbus was really as bad as everyone says. And if anybody thought it was weird that the guys who wrote that “all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness” owned slaves and wouldn’t let most men and all women vote. Then we got into what a huge language barrier you’d have on this boat between all the different people and cultures. And how difficult it would be to get anybody to do anything together. It was when we were figuring out how long it could take to get someone to pass the salt from one end of the table to the other that Mrs Hallihan popped out through her back door and thanked God that we were all right. That started us laughing all over again. This is going to sound dumb, but I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed Nomi. Tell the truth, I didn’t know I’d missed her at all. Since neither of us actually went anywhere. I think maybe she’d missed me, too, because she didn’t make any of her normal sarcastic cracks when Connor texted me. Not until he asked me to take a picture. She just watched me as I got out of the hammock and lay down in the grass (he wasn’t going to know whose grass it was) to snap myself. Then she watched me get back in the hammock. And then she asked me what I just did. I told her. Nomi said, “Why? He forgot what you look like?”

  Went to Movie Club tonight but I left my new phone at home. (Just in case it can walk or up-periscope like a mini submarine or something.) I haven’t been best friends with Nomi Slevka since eighth grade for nothing. If she caught me checking it for messages during the movie or in the intermission she’d be on me like a cowboy on a horse. And then she’d want to send a picture of all of us in Louie’s basement. And how would I explain that? Connor thought I was home packing socks for my mom. Which, in case he sent me any texts, was the reason I wasn’t answering. Because we were so busy. So anyway I didn’t bring my cell and nobody teased me about Connor or anything. Nobody even mentioned Connor. Not one Mr Coffee or Lover Boy all night. We watched Bringing up Baby. Grady and Kruger griped at first because it was in black and white, but it was so funny that they totally forgot about that. And I forgot about Connor. But when I remembered, I felt guilty. So as soon as I got back, I sent him a picture of me holding a box with a pair of socks on my hands like mittens. He sent me one back of him and his team and pizza debris from their post-practice meal. They were all making faces. I said it looked like they were having a good time. He said they were. What about me? I said how good a time can you have packing socks? If I was Pinocchio my nose would be so long by now I’d be able to smell the roses in Gran’s garden without leaving our house.

  The Vegetable Avenger and his trusty sidekick Lethal Lettuce are now a regular feature of Fridays on the beach road. I’d say there were a
t least a dozen new customers today who wanted to be waited on by vegetables. Only one person was negative. No prizes for guessing who that negative person was. Broccoli Man got out of the car this time but only to tell us he thinks we’re cheapening everything Farmer John and the farm stand for. Broccoli Man doesn’t like gimmicks. We have a good product, grown in honest soil with honest toil (I swear that’s what he said), why can’t we just present it simply in all its humble glory? Ely said because it’s more fun dressing like a carrot. Broccoli Man said it’s gimmicks that are ruining this country. Ely said he thought it was corporate greed. Broccoli Man gave him a that-scale’s-off-by-a-fiftieth-of-an-ounce look and asked if that wasn’t what he’d just said. After he finally left I asked Ely what he thinks Broccoli Man does for a living. Ely figures he’s probably part of a scouting party from an alien planet. Either that or he’s something in computers. I said maybe he is a computer. Ely said that’s impossible. Computers work on linear logic.