“Now I’m kind of worried. Is this present dangerous.”
He chuckles loudly. “My dear brother, it very well could be, but I’m going to love every damn minute of it.”
“Forget I ever asked.”
We’re back to pushing the sleigh, and thankfully I see the girls in the distance with strands of lights they’ve plugged in. “Cool, we’re almost there. I can’t wait to hit the sack.”
“You’re ducking out after this?” I question.
“Hell yes I am. This body doesn’t look this good without a good night’s sleep.”
“I’ve gone plenty of nights without sleep and we still look exactly the same. Well, you probably weigh more than me, but that’s neither here nor there.”
“Fuck off, Jake. You calling me fat?”
“Wow, sensitive much? I’m only saying you weigh more than me.”
“That’s low. I see where this is going.” He tosses up his hands. “I’m out of here.”
“What the hell, Jax? Get back here and help.” I have to stop calling out for him to prevent from waking up the kids. He’s suddenly become defensive and I’m not sure why. Jax is Jax. He probably needs to find Amber and ask if she thinks he’s fat, which will turn into her comforting him, and then an all out romp between the sheets. I’m just glad I’m not going to be in the room when it happens.
Reese and Amber approach when they see me struggling. “Where did Jax go?” Reese asks.
“He’s pouting. I told him he weighed more than me.”
Amber puts her hands in her pockets and giggles. “You didn’t?”
“Why? What’s the big deal? I didn’t say he was fat. Not that I’d ever care what he weighed. He’s still Jax.”
“Yesterday he went to put on a shirt I packed him and it was too tight. I told him it must have shrunk in the wash, because I could tell he was worried about gaining weight.”
“You lied to him?” Reese seems surprised.
“Well, I didn’t want him worried about it. I went and got him the same jeans he wears in a bigger size so he wouldn’t notice. He still looks good. He’s solid muscle. So what if he’s got a little more cushion in that fine ass of his. I happen to like it.”
“Holy shit. This is the funniest thing I’ve heard this week.” I have to keep quiet about using this against him. He’s never going to hear the end of it. I finally have ammunition against him. This is going to be the best Christmas ever.
Reese already senses something. “Jake Mitchell, you better not be up to something. Leave your brother alone, at least until we get back to the Carolinas.”
“Don’t worry, babe. I’ll be on my best behavior,” I lie. It’s just a little fib really. I mean, she knows me too well to assume I’m being honest about it. My brother is always one step ahead when it comes to jokes. This will give me years of fun. His pudgy little heart is in for a real shit show.
With the help of the women, I’m able to get the sleigh in position, no sign of Jax coming back to assist. It’s unfortunate, because I’ve come up with my first attack on his fragile feelings.
My uncle starts bringing in a set of donkeys to use as the reindeer. Aunt Van found some antlers she uses for the dogs in those fancy photos she always takes, so she’s attached them to their heads already. One of the little guys is steady trying to shake it off his head. They aren’t used to being hooked to anything, so this will be a hoot, but Uncle Colt assures us they’re gentle enough to make it work. I’m not even sure how he acquired the two asses, but they do semi resemble reindeer from a distance. It’s not like the sleigh has to travel that far. Uncle Conner will have the reigns and once they round the opposite barn they’ll be able to take them back to the stables where they reside.
We’re all starting to get into position, my Uncles helping Dad set up the ladder so he can take the bells on top of the roof. While they steady it, my father is behind them pretending to hump them. It seems the women aren’t as amused as he thought they’d be, so I offer them something else to laugh about. Like a stealth ninja, I dart in his direction, yanking down his pants until they fall to his ankles. When he turns around to see the culprit, he flashes everyone with all that God gave him, as miniscule as that happens to be at the moment.
His hands quickly cover up his little package. “What the hell?”
I’m hunched over laughing. “Damn Dad. You cold? From the looks of things, I’d say this weather has taken a toll on your precious jewels.”
“No one can resist his balls, right? That’s what he always says,” Mom teases.
Dad covers himself with one hand while using the other to pull his pants back up. “Take your pants off and see what your little dick does in this weather, asshole.”
He’s embarrassed, which is funny in itself, because Dad is always the one cracking on everyone else. “If it doesn’t come back out, you might have to go to the doctors. I’ve heard some instances where the penis got stuck up inside and never came back out.”
Mom chimes in. “Wouldn’t that be a hoot. Then your dad would just dry hump everything around him.”
The crowd begins to laugh until we realize we’re supposed to be keeping quiet.
Dad ignores the next few comments while climbing the ladder with a set of rattling bells. We hurry to get into position in case the children hear them.
I turn my back for a second and hear my father cursing. He’s lost his footing and has slipped back down where the ladder is in place. My heart races when I consider how stupid it is for him to be doing this. “Dad, you need to come down before you fall off and die.”
He shakes his head and holds up a rope I hadn’t noticed. It appears to be coming from the opposite side of the roof. After further inspection I notice they’ve put it in place as a safety precaution. I’m sure it was the quick thinking of Uncle Colt.
Noah comes up behind me with a snowball, smashing it into my hair. Before I shove or punch him, he flashes a big smile. “Shalan’s pregnant again.”
“No shit?”
“She just told me before we came out here. We’ve been trying for months. She wants to tell everyone today. I can’t wait to tell the kids.”
“Congrats, cuz. That’s great news.”
“Did you tell your parents yet?” I wonder. “Does anyone else know?”
Noah shakes his head. “Na. I’ll wait until we’re all together. I just couldn’t hold it in, and you were the first person I saw standing alone.”
“Your secret is safe with me.”
“What secret?” I hear my wife say from behind me.
Noah sighs heavily. He should have known that this family can’t have secrets without them getting broadcast around. If we do anything well it’s gossip amongst ourselves. “Shalan is pregnant, but don’t say anything. We’re announcing it later.”
“That’s fantastic news. She said you’d been wanting another child. Maybe this one will be twins.”
“Don’t curse me with those words. You do see what twins in this family turn into right?”
She snickers while patting me on the shoulder. “Oh trust me. I live with it.”
“She loves every minute of it, too. Don’t you, babe?”
We kiss before she answers. “Of course I do. Besides, we’re still not out of the woods. Our next little guy could turn out to be two.”
“Little guy?” Noah questions.
“We’ve already determined we’ll have two boys. There’s no way I’m going to be able to raise a little girl without carrying around a shot gun.”
A guffaw escapes Noah. “No kidding. It’s tough, I’ll tell ya that, but I wouldn’t trade my little girl. It helps that she always has a big brother to keep her safe.”
“True.”
Noah puts his hand on my shoulder. “You’re a good dad, Jake. Even Jax has his moments.”
“If Jax is good at anything it’s being a father. He acts all tough and jokes a lot, but when it comes to them he’s so serious. They keep him grounded. Amber would have k
icked his ass to the curb by now if they didn’t have the kids. He’s too high strung. They force him to shut off the crazy when he’s home. It’s still there, but mellowed out.”
“Amber gets a kick out of him. I don’t think she’d ever go anywhere.”
“Probably not, but if she did leave he’d drive her insane until she came back.”
We all agree by nodding our heads and laughing.
“Where do you think your brother went?” Amber asks as she comes up to us with a hot cup of something in her hands.
“Where did you get that?” Reese asks.
“Aunt Van ran to the house and made coffee. There’s thermoses over there if you want some.”
I watch my wife make a beeline for something hot with caffeine, while I answer my sister-in-law’s question. “He’s probably off pouting. I’d check the RV. I know we said we weren’t going to sleep in it tonight on account of the kids being in the barn, but he’s probably gone off to get some sleep while the rest of us suffer.”
“I’m sure. For the macho man he tries to be, he’s so sensitive,” she admits.
“He always has been. He can dish it out, but he hates getting it back.”
“Don’t we all?”
I nod. Maybe she’s right.
A whistle gets our attention. We all turn to find Uncle Colt waving at us. “Everyone take your places.”
I spot my mom, Aunt Amy, Aunt Van and possibly Shalan running in little elf costumes. God only knows where they came from, but Aunt Van always likes making the best Christmas pictures so I’m sure they were laying around somewhere. My dad is still on the roof, now shaking the bells and beating his fist to make it sound like footsteps. Uncle Conner hops on the sleigh. He’s wearing a Santa suit that’s been stuffed to make him look like a chubby old man. They’ve decorated it, so lights surround the whole thing. The donkeys are still shaking their heads, but it makes it look authentic. With it being so dark outside, all the kids will be able to see is a big red suited man being pulled on a sleigh by brownish creatures with antlers. This convoluted idea might actually work. All jokes aside, from a distance it’s totally believable, especially to little kids.
“This is pretty awesome,” I say to my relatives standing nearby.
“Too bad Jax is missing this,” Amber adds.
Out of the corner of my eye I see two things happening all at once. The large picture window on the second floor of the barn is filled with children’s faces. My heart is full when I spot my little guy watching in awe of what he thinks he’s seeing. This makes it all worth it. Every single foot of ground it took for us to push that sleigh has paid off. These kids will never forget this night. They’ll tell their own children about it. It’s the coolest thing I’ve ever witnessed and I’m glad to be a part of it.
The plan is for Uncle Conner to get around the corner and then Uncle Colt is going to pull the plug on the extension cord for the lights hooked to the sleigh. It will look as if Santa disappeared.
The second thing I see causes alarm, and not in a dangerous way. I should have known my brother was up to something, but this is low, even for him. This will definitely piss a lot of people off, and I think that’s his intention. The worst part is, I’m the one who brought the damn mask to begin with.
Chapter 6
Jax
I needed a reason to cut out of there. That whole crew was cramping my style by turning our idea into something wholesome for everyone to enjoy. I wanted to stage a crash. It would have been cool to see the shock in the naughty kids eyes, and the innocent ones too. How dare they screw with my plans to torment the little kiddos? Now they’ll take the credit when it was me and Jake who came up with the plan first.
I’ll show them.
What I have up my sleeve is going to get everyone’s attention. Some quick thinking on my part will set everything into motion. Who needs them when I’m a basket full of fun all on my own?
It doesn’t help that they think I’m fat now. I’m not fat at all. I’m cuddly. I’m like a big kitten, who happens to enjoy snuggling up at night with another pussy.
Jake thought it was funny that my girls were scared of a Grinch mask we saw in the store during a pit stop in the RV on the way here. He kept putting it on and telling them that he was going to steal all the presents when Santa came. That’s where they got the idea of getting coal. They must have been talking about it to their cousins, because I heard them asking Uncle Colt if they were going to get coal for Christmas.
I tried to run this by Jake earlier, but he blew the idea off, saying that was taking it too far. Well, there’s no such thing as too far in my book. The more extreme the prank, the more likely they’ll never forget it.
It takes me a while to go through my wife’s luggage to find a pair black leggings. Just as I’m about to put them on, I spot something hanging from one of Reese and Jake’s bags. Much to my delight I discover something even better than dressing in all black. The holiday decorated leggings are plastered with Santa’s’, reindeer, and candy canes. I put on my black North Face and try on the mask. Satisfied it will do the job, I pull on the leggings, stretching them out to fit my thicker legs. Right away they itch against the hair. It makes me appreciate how often my wife shaves, but also understand it. If I had to wear these things every day I’d want to cut off my limbs.
I don’t keep the mask on while trekking through the property to search for a large burlap sack. I remember seeing one in the stables so head there first. I’m just about to walk out with the largest bag I’m able to find when I spot a shelf full of spray paint. One of them is labeled John Deere Green. The light bulb in my head suddenly pops on, giving me an even better idea for my kickass costume.
With no time to waste, I remove my jacket and start spraying my chest, arms and hands with the green paint. I’ll have to use gasoline to get it off later, but it will be worth it to look authentic. No one will suspect it’s me behind the mask.
The fumes are enough to get any person high, but I keep at it, spraying away until I realize I’ve gotten it all over the leggings. I use the remainder of the can to paint the rest of them. Now I look like a life-size Jolly Green Giant. Figuring I’ll be inside for most of the prank, I don’t worry too much about the frigid temperatures outside. I’ll run to the barn, steal the presents, make enough noise the kiddos take a peek, and then run back out. It’s simple. All I have to do is wait for everyone to settle down from the excitement of seeing Santa, and then I’m on it like a fly to shit.
I no sooner toss the can in the trash when I hear one of the horses causing a ruckus. Since most of the stables are insulated and warm, they attract mice and sometimes field rats trying to come in from the cold. Suspecting a critter is stealing the horses food, I walk over to calm the horse and chase away any unwanted critters, at least for the time being. I can’t have my family running in to check on the noise and spotting me.
The horse calms when I enter and begin rubbing it’s face to reassure it I’m friendly since I reek of paint and appear a different shade than the average human. I’m not sure what colors horses can see, but I obviously don’t look the norm. At first glance nothing is out of place. The timothy hay is in the trowel. The salt block is new and almost untouched. There’s nothing making a sound, so I begin to wonder if it’s only fussing because of me. Maybe it doesn’t appreciate the smell of spray paint. I’d done it far enough away that it wouldn’t cause the animals harm, but I’m sure they can still smell it.
As I’m walking out I get a whiff of something different though. My eyes fly open as panic strikes me. In the corner of the pasture, chewing on what appears to be a core to an apple, is a big furry skunk. It sees me as soon as I see it. Backing away as quick as I can, I fall back against a pile of straw near the door. The horse comes up off it’s two front feet and neighs loudly again. This does it for the skunk. I watch in horror as the little prick shoots it’s tail in the air and fires the most awful scent known to man directly at us. The horse begins bucking around
, while the skunk stays in a defensive position. I’m gagging as I try to stand, hurling vomit as I shoo it back out of the crack it obviously came in from.
When I assume it’s gone, I catch the side of the wall and hold on as I spew more of last night’s dinner all over the ground at my feet. The pungent odor burns my eyes and there’s little I can do to alleviate the disturbance. This isn’t the first time I’ve encountered a skunk, and unfortunately, it’s a grueling process to get the smell out.
Amber is going to shit a brick for sure. There’s no telling how long she’ll force me to keep my distance. I know for a fact I won’t be getting any Christmas nookie this year. Hell, I’ll be lucky if she lets me sit with the adults at dinner.
It takes me a few minutes to stop throwing up. Even when I’m done, I’m dry heaving. It doesn’t help that I’m sticky from the drying paint on my body, and with my stomach churning it’s impossible to relax. The sooner I get this charade over with, the faster I can find cans of tomato juice and get this stink off of me. As for the horse, well he’s just going to have to suffer through it until Colt can have one of his workers take care of it. Besides, I’m pretty sure that smell is going to linger for months to come.
There’s no sense of creeping around when I exit the barn. With my bag in tow, and a can of black spray paint, I start collecting rocks. It’s not coal, but I need to improvise. The best solution is to spray them black and let the kids think it’s coal. They’ve never held the real stuff, so they’ll be easy to fool.
Even as I’m painting the rocks, I’m still heaving and sick to my stomach. I’ve never smelled anything so powerful in my life. It’s worse than the time I locked myself in my mom’s hope chest for a couple hours and shit my pants when no one was around to let me out.
The family has had plenty of time to clean up and head back to bed. While I know most of the children are still too excited to fall asleep, I step inside the barn where the massive Christmas tree sits and take in the amount of packages I need to either hide or carry outside. My bag of painted rocks is weighing me down, distracting me both from the frigid temperatures and the fact that I smell worse than a dead decaying body.
O Little Town of Mitchellville Page 10