Chances Are

by Wendy Lindstrom

  Suddenly afraid to know what it said, she glanced at her sons.

  “It’s all right, Mother.” She felt Duke’s arm slip around her shoulders, and Boyd and Radford standing strong and supportive with Kyle. With a nod from Kyle to go ahead, she read the words on the page:

  My Darling Nancy,

  There are so many things I need to say to you. So many things I want to say to you. But I must start with the most important: I love you. I think I loved you a long time before I was even willing to admit it to myself. You have been my friend, my lover, and my strength since the day I met you. And now we know that I won’t be growing old with you and my heart aches knowing that I’ll leave you behind to continue raising our boys alone, that I’ll miss seeing our boys fully grown. I only hope they find the great loves of their lives as I have with you. And I hope they give you lots of grandchildren to love – because you have so much love to give. Please know that as you celebrate each moment of your life, and of their lives, that I’ll be right there with you, holding your hand and loving you through every moment of it.

  I suspect that times will be rough for you, darling, as I leave you alone with so many burdens to bear. But I know you’ll raise our boys to be as strong and loving as you are. Lean on them, depend on them – their shoulders are already broad and I know they can bear whatever weight you need them to shoulder. Trust that Radford will find his way home again. Kyle will keep our family together. Boyd will teach you all how to laugh even when your heart aches. And our levelheaded Duke will keep the boys from killing each other.

  Nancy laughed through her tears and had to wipe her eyes before she could continue reading.

  My sweet, beautiful bride… being loved by you is the single most important and wonderful thing to happen in my life. But you are young, Nancy, and you have so many years ahead of you. If love should cross your path again, I want you to grab it with both hands because you deserve to be happy. It pains me deeply to think of you alone and hurting. I will always love you, and I know, regardless of where life takes you, darling, that you’ll always love me. When you are ready, please don’t be afraid to love again. Anything that makes you happy, my love, makes me happy. Know that the sight of you and the boys will be the last image I see, and that “I love you all” will be the last words on my lips.

  With all my love—always and forever,

  Hal

  Tears streamed from her eyes, but her sons just stood quietly around her, the four of them providing great comfort to Nancy as she re-read the heartfelt words from her husband. She had to stop twice and lower the letter as she sobbed silently into her handkerchief, unable to continue. Her sons just waited for her, silently supporting her until she was ready to continue. She knew in her heart that each of them understood the kind of love she and Hal shared, because they each shared that same consuming love with their wives.

  When she finished the letter a second time, she folded the paper and pressed it to her heart. Tears continued to fall unheeded, but they were cleansing tears, as if during all these years Nancy had been seeking closure that she’d only found in Hal’s letter.

  Finally, she passed the box and letter to Kyle so she could wipe her face and blow her nose. “Your father was right. The two of us raised four amazing sons. I’m sorry you all had to carry the burden of adulthood too soon, but I’m incredibly proud of each of you. Especially now, as you stand here supporting me while I confess my love for another man.” Nancy shook her head, amazed by her boys, by the men who were so like their father. “Thank you for your understanding and your blessing.” She turned to Kyle. “This task your father gave you must have weighed heavily on you, Kyle. I’m sorry you’ve had to carry so much of this and that you’ve had the burden of holding onto this letter all these years. I’m not sure how you knew, but I wouldn’t have been ready to read this before now.”

  He lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “You made it easy to know. There has never been another man between Dad and Dawson. That’s twenty-four years that I didn’t have to think about this. I’m happy that today is that day, Mother. Loving Dawson isn’t a betrayal of your love for Dad. We know you love him. It’s in every word you speak. Dad asked me to help him write this letter because he said he knew you’d go to your grave clinging to your wedding vows, and that someday that promise might break your own heart. He truly wanted you to be happy, Mother, and so do we. You’ve been taking care of us our entire lives. But we can take care of our families now,” he said. “You have Dad’s blessing, and you have our blessing to live your remaining years in whatever way makes you happiest.”

  Nancy glanced at Radford and Duke and Boyd to see if they agreed with Kyle.

  Boyd shook his head. “You know, Mom, the four of us have talked about this day numerous times over the years, but we were beginning to think this day would never come. Kyle’s been like a guard dog over that box and letter, growling if we as much as opened his desk drawer. I, for one, am glad he can no longer use it as an excuse to keep us out of his desk. He’s been stashing beef jerky in there for years.” He grinned at Kyle. “Good luck keeping us out now.”

  Kyle snorted, but they all grinned because Boyd was still heckling Kyle and because everything he said about Kyle protecting his jerky by stashing it in the desk was true. Nancy had seen him do it, but had never realized what was really going on or how important the contents of that drawer would one day prove to be.

  A half-smile tilted Duke’s mouth. “Dawson is a man of his word, Mother. I know he’ll live up to his promise and make sure you live a good part of the year in Fredonia. And it’s not like Crane Landing is at the end of the world. We’ll visit you there as well.” Duke’s opinion of Dawson was especially important to her, as Duke had always been her voice of reason and her conscience when she needed him. If he approved, then perhaps there really wasn’t a reason to feel guilty anymore.

  And in that moment, an enormous burden lifted from her shoulders and she felt a hundred pounds lighter.

  “You’ve earned this second chance at love,” Kyle said. “I agree with Dad and my brothers that you should embrace your relationship with Dawson with a clear conscience and a light heart,” he added. Always the one to internalize everything and to mull over his feelings, Kyle had shouldered the most because of Hal’s death.

  Radford nodded. “When Evelyn’s father was dying, William made me promise to conquer my fear and face each battle like a man, to embrace each moment of my life with passion because we don’t know if we’ll live beyond that moment. He told me to trust in the caliber of my own character, Mother. And I think that’s good advice for you too. Go home and pack a bag and I’ll take you to Crane Landing tomorrow.”

  All of her sons nodded their agreement, and they were right. They could take care of themselves and their families. She had raised them to do just that. And it was time for her to take care of herself. “Thank you, boys.” She drew each of them into a hard, emotional hug and then stepped back, knowing full well they could stand on their own now. “Radford, I’ll see you in the morning. I need to head home and pack. Will you boys see to the house in my absence. I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone. No more than four weeks, though. I can’t be away from my babies any longer than that.” She clasped her stomach, a fluttering mess of nerves. “Gracious, I don’t know how I’ll manage this.”

  “Deep breath, Mother,” Duke said, guiding her toward the door. “I’ll take you home in the wagon and help you with whatever you need. I’ll take you and Radford to the station in the morning.”

  “All right, but wait a minute. I forgot something.” She turned back and mimed a hug to her chest as if she were hugging each of them in turn. “There are no words big enough to express my love for you boys. You are so precious to me, and I will love you to my last breath.” With that, she arched an eyebrow at Kyle. “Now you make sure you share that jerky with your brothers, young man.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  March 18, 1891

  The train trip to
Crane Landing had been thankfully uneventful. Duke had dropped Nancy and Radford, and Leo and Benny, at the station just in time to catch the train heading east, the four of them literally rushing to climb aboard as the train pulled out of the station. Nancy sat breathless for several moments as the train pulled out of the station, but they all understood the importance of Nancy being on that train.

  They talked and played a board game and even napped on and off until they parted ways at Boston. For Nancy, time passed slowly. It seemed to take much longer than when she’d traveled with Rebecca last spring, but Nancy was sure it was just her nerves, or her imagination, playing with her. Despite the gentle rocking of the train, clicking and clanking as it passed over the railroad ties, Nancy slept little on her journey. Her mind was racing, much like the beat of her heart, and she all but willed the train to travel faster, to take her to Crane Landing… and to Dawson.

  Finally, the train slowed as it approached the station at Crane Landing. After the final jolt signifying their arrival at the station, Nancy straightened her hat and dress and collected her bag. Radford helped her with her coat and escorted out onto the depot platform where Adam was awaiting them.

  With great joy, Nancy rushed into Adam’s arms to give him a hug that only a grandmother can give. “How I’ve missed you, young man!”

  “And we’ve missed you, Grandma. Rebecca is home, baking cinnamon rolls for you. She’s likely pulling them from the oven about now.”

  “That sounds wonderful,” she said. “I can’t wait to see her. Has she been feeling all right?”

  A pleased grin lit up Adam’s face and he nodded. “Her belly is rounding like a loaf of rising bread. She thinks she’s getting fat, but I think she’s never been more beautiful.”

  Laughing and talking with one another, they hustled to the carriage Adam had borrowed from Elias Crane, who lived just down the road from Adam and Rebecca. “Gracious, this looks like Dawson’s carriage,” Nancy said, taking in the stately black carriage that looked familiar and brought back memories of her jaunts with Dawson.”

  “It is his, actually,” Adam said. “He keeps it at his brother Elias’s house and makes it available to anyone in need of a conveyance.”

  “Does he know I’m here?” she asked, both hoping he did and that he didn’t.

  “No, Grandma. Rebecca just said I was picking up her father. We figured you would want to surprise him.”

  That would surely be the case, Nancy knew, but now that she was here she was apprehensive about showing up unannounced.

  The conversation swung to other topics, and Nancy eagerly filled her eyes with the beauty of Crane Landing. The air was chilly, but the sky was blue and the bay sparkled with floating chunks of ice that was breaking down as spring nudged winter aside. The ride to Adam and Rebecca’s home was short, but Nancy enjoyed every moment as she surveyed the pretty coastal town she’d come to love. At the cottage, Adam parked the carriage and helped her out. The first thing Nancy heard was the sound of Crane River babbling behind the cottage. The second thing she heard was Rebecca’s shriek of delight as she rushed out the front door to greet her father and Nancy.

  After Radford set Rebecca back on her feet, Nancy extended her arms and Rebecca stepped into them, grasping her tightly. “I’m so happy to see you, Grandma!” Rebecca leaned back and grinned. “I’m also a little surprised.”

  “So am I,” Nancy said with a laugh. “Adam tells me you’ve made cinnamon rolls, and now I can’t seem to get them off my mind. I don’t know whether to thank you or chastise you. You know how I can’t resist them.”

  “Well, it’s a special occasion,” Rebecca countered. “Come on inside and I’ll put the tea on.”

  While Adam and Radford unloaded their luggage, Nancy helped Rebecca in the kitchen. “Your little one is making his presence known, Rebecca,” Nancy said, gesturing to Rebecca’s rounding belly. How are you feeling?”

  “Happy.” The sparkle in Rebecca’s eyes confirmed her happiness and warmed Nancy’s heart. “We’re setting up a nursery in the room adjoining ours. Adam just finished making a cradle. He says he doesn’t have Grandpa’s talent, but he learned a lot from Uncle Boyd. The cradle is beautiful. I’ll show you later.”

  “That’s wonderful. I’m looking forward to seeing it.”

  “I told Adam I need a rocking chair and that I want one like yours.” Rebecca laughed, and set four tea cups on a tray. “Adam adamantly refused to attempt such a task and said he’ll happily purchase one for me.”

  Nancy laughed, too, but mostly because it warmed her heart to see Adam and Rebecca so happy and building a wonderful life together. “Make sure you get a good one, dear. My rocking chair has seen me through four boys and sixteen grandchildren so far. And it’s ready to welcome my first great-grandchild, whenever he or she decides to make their appearance.”

  “We want to ask Uncle Boyd to make one like Grandpa made for you.” As Rebecca placed their tea and a plate of cinnamon rolls on a tray, she asked a question that didn’t need asking. “But I suspect you didn’t come all the way to Crane Landing to talk about rocking chairs. Am I right, Grandma?”

  Nancy nodded. “I’m sure you know by now that Dawson and I had a misunderstanding which caused him to spend his last night of our holiday visit at the Taylor House. I’m not sure how much he’s told you, but he asked me to marry him… and I said no.”

  “Oh, dear, that explains a few things.” But instead of asking for details, Rebecca remained quiet, allowing Nancy to determine what she would share.

  Nancy gave Rebecca a summary of what transpired and then said, “I have something for you.” For the first time in almost forty-seven years, Nancy pulled her wedding band off her left finger. Tears clogged her throat and she kissed the worn gold band. “I want you to have this,” she whispered.

  Rebecca’s jaw dropped and she gazed at the ring in disbelief. “Oh, Grandma…”

  She didn’t have to say anything more. Nancy could see in Rebecca’s eyes that she understood the significance of her removing her wedding band. Nancy rubbed her finger after it was removed, the feeling foreign and unfamiliar. Then she reached in her skirt pocket and retrieved the green ribbon she’d tucked there before leaving Fredonia. Threading the worn ribbon through the ring, she said, “Your grandfather and I started our life together in an unconventional way, but our love blossomed into a deep, forever love. I am giving this ring to you, Rebecca, with all of that love, and more. This ring was a symbol of my life and love with Hal. I wore this ribbon in my hair the day I married your grandfather, and I’ve treasured it ever since. I want you to have these. I want you to pass the ring on to your children and help them to know that they come from deep roots of love.”

  As Nancy finished those words, she felt a flood of warmth encircle her torso, as if she’d been hugged from behind. And she knew then that Hal was with her, just as he’d promised in his letter. He’d been with her all along on this journey of raising their sons and their grandchildren, and even leading Nancy to the place she was today.

  She draped the ribbon over Rebecca’s head so that it hung around her neck.

  Rebecca clasped the band and ribbon in her closed fist, her eyes shimmering with tears. “I will treasure this precious gift as deeply as I treasure your love and being a part of such an inspiring legacy. Thank you, Grandma.”

  Ready to take a step forward with a new man, and new love. Nancy said, “Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to cross this last bridge, literally, and go tell Dawson that I’ve had a change of heart.”

  A pleased smile lit Rebecca’s face. “You can’t know how happy I am to hear this, Grandma. And I’m certain this will be one of the best days of Dawson’s life. Go on up. I’ll save you a cinnamon roll, even if I have to hide it in the pantry so Adam and Daddy don’t eat it.”

  And so Nancy left the cottage with a smile on her face, peace in her heart, and new purpose in her stride. She was raising her sails and embracing the wind, and making herself ready f
or the next part of her journey.

  As Nancy knocked on Dawson’s door, she said goodbye to Hal. She was letting go of him now, but never forgetting him.

  She saw the swing Dawson had bought for his porch, the one he said he wouldn’t sit in until Nancy could share it with him.

  The door opened and Dawson stared in stunned surprise. His hair was mussed, his shirt was untucked and he had paint on his hands. She thought he’d never looked more handsome.

  “I’m returning this to you,” she said, opening her fist to show him the cufflink on her palm.

  He glanced at the gold cufflink and nodded. “So that’s what I left behind.” He snorted. “I thought it was my heart.”

  “Oh, Dawson… May I come in?”

  He stepped back, granting her entry, but not welcoming her with a hug. His normal cheerful demeanor was muted and cautious. Nancy’s stomach fluttered as she entered his cottage and she felt certain Dawson could hear her thudding heart. He closed the door behind him, then leaned against it. He stayed back, as if waiting for Nancy to explain herself and her reason for being here. She hoped it wasn’t too late. He’d made his grand gesture, and it was up to her now. Steeling her resolve, she reached her hand into the pocket. She pulled out the letter he’d written to her. “Your painting was magnificent, Dawson. The words you wrote in this letter are so beautiful. I’m not sure why you chose me, or how you can see me as that beautiful woman you painted, but I want to be that brave again. I want to dare greatly and have more adventures… with you.”