Irresistible Refrain

by Michelle Mankin

  We sat silently together. I could hear the steady hum of the traffic from the nearby freeway. I continued to stare blankly at my mother’s name on the tombstone. His warm hand covered my own. Nothing in my entire life felt more right than that hand on mine.

  “Did you ever go back to University House to see her?” Bryan’s soft question broke the silence.

  “Once,” I admitted, with a sigh. “She didn’t even know who I was.”

  “I’m sorry, Lace.” He squeezed my hand.

  “Don’t be. I knew how she was. I was stupid to think she would ever change. You ever try to see your father?”

  “No. Last I saw of him was in middle school. Good riddance if you ask me.”

  I nodded. Having a shitty parent was a bond we shared. “She can rot in hell for all I care.”

  “You’re not her, Lace Lowell,” he surprised me by saying.

  “No, I’m not,” I agreed. “I’m getting out of here. I’m going to make something out of my life.”

  “I know you will.” Bryan’s voice resonated with sincerity. His faith in me had never wavered. “You ever hear back from the counselor about your scholarship application to U of W?”

  I shook my head. “That’s a long shot. They have over two thousand applicants for that one spot.” I pulled my hand free, smoothing both palms over my jeans as he continued to watch me. “Anyway, it only covered books and tuition, not living expenses.”

  “Your uncle hasn’t changed his mind about you staying on after you graduate?”

  “No. He’s getting remarried and his fiancée has kids of her own. They’re gonna have a full house as it is.”

  “You could stay with us.”

  My eyebrows lifted, I gave him a measured look. “I don’t think that would be such a good idea, do you?”

  “I guess not.”

  We both got quiet. Something way beyond friendship had been building between us lately that neither one of us was ready to address.

  I pulled my knees up and dropped my chin to them. I could feel him watching me. “I’m not going to cry for her,” I whispered.

  “I don’t expect you to.”

  “I lost track of how many times she told me I was a burden to her. Mostly she ignored me. But there were a few times, usually when she was really wasted that she would let me crawl into her lap.” I pressed my lips together. “She’d stroke my back and sing to me.”

  I risked a glance at him. He returned my look, the light of empathy shining in those beautiful eyes.

  “It’s those few times with my old man that were really good that made me hate him. It’s so unexpected. It almost felt like a betrayal.”

  I looked away, nodding. That’s exactly how I’d felt with her. “Why didn’t she love me, Bry?” That was it really, the part that bothered me the most about her passing. She might have been the world’s worst mother, but there was a part of me, a part that I despised, that still longed for her approval.

  His arms went around me. His chin rested on the top of my head. I leaned back into him, my throat constricting so tightly it burned like fire.

  “If only we could choose our parents, huh.” He kissed the top of my head and my knotted muscles loosened. “She was your mom, Lace,” he said softly. “But she was a wretched human being. She didn’t deserve someone as wonderful as you.”

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  The incessant buzzing sound in my ears grew louder.

  Stop.

  I wanted to stay back there in that memory.

  Safe.

  Cherished.

  Comforted.

  In Bryan’s arms.

  The noise in my ears wouldn’t go away, though. It solidified into voices, strong assertive male voices.

  “She’s coming around,” one of them said.

  Hunched over in the uncomfortable plastic ICU chair, I slowly lifted my head from my hands as War returned with a cup of coffee.

  “Any news?” he grunted, taking the chair opposite me.

  I shook my head. War and I had formed an uneasy truce as we waited. I glanced at the ICU door for the umpteenth time. This had been our basic routine for the past twenty-four hours. Monosyllabic communication punctuated by visits from King and Sager and periodic updates from Dizzy. As a family member, he was the only one actually allowed back there with her.

  My stomach was a massive churning burning ball, despite the most recent reassurance from Dizzy that she remained stable. Sure she was, for now…maybe, but what about the next time? Heroin sucked people into the vortex and more often than not, spit them back out in a pine box. I shouldn’t have let it matter whose girl she was. I should have dragged her off that bus right to the nearest rehab facility the moment I’d discovered that she was using.

  Should’ve.

  Shouldn’t.

  Shit.

  I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, but the memory of that terrifying chaotic scene was something I couldn’t force out of my mind.

  Beautiful vibrant Lace.

  Gone.

  Her body completely still as a corpse.

  “Shane, I can’t find a vein. She’s used ‘em all up,” the older paramedic stated in a clipped voice.

  “Go for the intraosseous, then,” the other one directed, continuing to breath for her through a tube they’d put down her throat.

  I felt as helpless as I’d been as a twelve year old boy when that drug dealer had hurt her. I stood in the doorway and watched them work on her.

  Beside me, Dizzy breathed desperate bargains with God.

  There was a pop and a crackly sound as they punched a large needle into Lace’s shin bone. Body in shock, muscles tensed tight, and hands fisted, I offered my own silent prayer.

  C’mon, Lace.

  Suddenly, her body jolted. Her eyes blinked open and her chest rose as she took in a loud shuddering breath that sounded more like a gurgle.

  “Narcan’s working,” Shane stated matter of factly. He turned Lace’s head to the side. And then she spewed vomit all over the hotel carpet.

  “Glad we had the ET tube in already.” The EMT wiped her face clean and reattached an oxygen bag. Together the two men lifted her onto the stretcher and tightened down the straps. “Let’s get her in.

  Shane’s partner nodded and spoke into a receiver tacked to his shoulder, “We have a code three. Heading to the truck. ETA twelve minutes.”

  “Stand back,” Shane barked when they reached the door.

  I blinked rapidly, my eyes burning as I stared down at hers. They were totally unfocused. She was incoherent and thrashing violently but ineffectively against the restraints.

  “Tighten the straps, man,” Shane ordered. “Narcan’s making her agitated.”

  As they wheeled her past, Dizzy and I hurried after them. We had to take a different elevator and caught up with them in the lobby. I felt a ton of eyes tracking our progress. By then it registered that War had joined us, looking as freaked as we were.

  Out on the circular drive, someone flashed a cell phone camera.

  Beth Tate suddenly materialized as if out of thin air. She held up her hands. “No pictures, please. Show a little respect.”

  I stood with Dizzy and War as the paramedics loaded Lace into the back of the ambulance.

  “I’m her brother.” Dizzy jumped in the moment Shane’s partner clipped the stretcher into place. At the same time, War and I both reached for the handle to climb inside.

  “Sorry, guys.” Shane’s partner shook his head. “Only one’s allowed in the back. We’re taking her over to Celebration Health. You can meet us there.”

  Shane slammed the ambulance doors shut, and I’d felt like my heart had stopped as we watched the ambulance drive away.

  Suddenly, the automatic ICU doors whooshed open.

  “The breathing tube is out.” Dizzy gave us a strained smile. “The doctors say she’s gonna be ok. She’s awake. They’re moving her to a private room on the sixth floor.”

  I let out a pent up sigh. Finally, I coul
d see her. Talk to her. Touch her.

  “She’s asking for you,” Dizzy announced.

  Yes. I took a step forward.

  “But War,” he continued. “I gotta warn you, she’s totally coherent. She knows all about the Morris deal and she’s pissed.”

  Dizzy shot me an apologetic look before he moved off with him. I shoved my hands into my pockets, fingers clenched around the pack of cigarettes that I couldn’t smoke in the hospital. But I wasn’t about to go outside, not until I saw her.

  I pressed my lips tight together. Deal with it, I told myself. You just have to wait a little longer.

  I stood alone in the empty ICU waiting area that was cold and quiet except for the television droning in the background. I eliminated any other options. I didn’t want to upset her, but we had to talk. I was past done with letting War run the show. His method of “taking care of her” had almost gotten her killed. No way was I going to let them pick right back up where they’d left off.

  I strode purposefully to the bank of elevators, raking my hand impatiently through my hair as I waited for it. Fortunately, it was fast. When I reached the sixth floor, the nurses lifted their eyes and threw speculative glances my way. I was quite a sight I’m sure as I clomped past the nursing station like Black Sabbath’s vengeful iron man in my heavy boots and leather pants. I found Dizzy waiting out in the hall outside her room.

  “Hold up, Bryan. She’s still talking to War.”

  The door was open and I peered over Dizzy’s shoulder. Looking extremely pale and fragile, Lace lay in the hospital bed with an IV pole beside her and her blond hair spread out around her face like a puddle of melted gold.

  She didn’t see me. She was totally focused on War. One of her hands was in his. My eyes narrowed to jealous slits as I watched War sift a strand of her hair through his fingers. Lace’s lids drifted closed. Every single muscle in my body tensed. That was my cue. I should have left before it got worse.

  But I didn’t.

  “No.” Lace’s voice was as raspy as a two pack a day smoker. “But I will.” I watched a tear slide down her cheek and roll into her hair. “Dizzy said you know everything…about Bryan and me.”

  Whatever War said in response was too low for me to hear.

  “I’m sorry, War.” She nodded. “I’ve made a mess of it all. But I’m alive and for some reason God’s giving me a second chance. I’m going to take that chance and I’m going to do better. I’m tired of the roller coaster I’ve been on. I’m tired of all the lies, especially the ones I’ve been telling myself. I really thought I could quit whenever I decided. I realize now that’s not true.” She closed her eyes. “I had a really long conversation with the hospital social worker before I left the ICU. She asked if the overdose was a suicide attempt.”

  “Was it, Lacey?” War asked softly.

  “No, of course not.” She shook her head. “Though she helped me see that in a way that’s what I’ve been doing all along with the drugs. The end result is still the same. I know that self-medication is not the answer. I’ve got to face my problems.”

  “It’s all my fault,” War admitted his voice deepened. “You being here. I should never have given you the drugs in the first place. I never imagined something like this would happen.”

  “Neither of us did.” She reached a hand up and touched War’s face.

  “I love you, Lacey.”

  “I love you, too, War.”

  War leaned his head into her hand. Her declaration sliced through the stitches of hope that had been holding my heart together this past twenty four hours. Rubbing my hand against my chest, I turned away. A dark shroud descended on my thoughts. I forced my feet to move down the hall as my heart turned to stone.

  “A part of me will always love you.” I slid my hand away from War’s face. Our gazes tangled together for one long last moment. “You’ve been a huge part of my life for so long, Warren Jinkins. But I don’t feel like I really know you anymore.” My fingers twisted in the hospital sheet and I forced myself not to soften, though the regret that was so evident in his familiar features had me wavering. I stared down at the IV in my hand for a couple of monitor beeps before I continued. A clean break was the best for all of us. “You’ve changed, Warren, and not for the better. You’re not the guy I fell in love with.” If I hadn’t been so desperate, so drugged out I probably would have realized that sooner. “That guy didn’t keep secrets from me.”

  He frowned. “Lace.” My name sounded like a plea on his lips.

  “When were you planning to tell me about the Morris deal?”

  “Nothing has been finalized,” he said defensively. “I was just putting out feelers. We’ve all talked about how totally undervalued we are by Black Cat.”

  “That’s not what I heard from the others.” My eyes burned. I forced my heart to harden. “It’s really scary to me how quickly you would leave those loyal to you behind.”

  “It’s not like that, Lacey.” A tiny flicker of something I hoped was shame flashed in his eyes.

  “Bullshit. It’s exactly like that,” I cut in letting go of my anger. “I don’t know how you can stand there and look me in the eye and say that.”

  “Because you don’t know everything.” I could see a muscle in his jaw twitching from the tight hold he had on himself. “You need to give me a chance to explain before you push me away. Don’t make the same mistake you did after the offer from RCA. Just like back then, it was never part of the plan to abandon you. If you’d stuck around instead of hooking up with Martin you would’ve found that out and things would’ve turned out differently.”

  “That’s ancient history.” So many mistakes by both of us that couldn’t be undone. “Tell me how this time is any different. Now’s your chance. I’m listening.”

  He didn’t speak, so I continued. “I’ll tell you then. This time it’s worse. This time there are three people you’re screwing over. There’s only one person you’re really looking out for, War, and that’s yourself.”

  “That’s not true. I was looking out for you and Bryan, too.”

  I shook my head. He didn’t get it. “War, you go off and do these things, like with RCA and Morris, you make these monumental decisions that will have a drastic effect on people’s lives, and yet you don’t stop to ask for or even to consider their opinion. That’s not normal behavior. That’s manipulative and self-serving.”

  “Oh, so now after your near death experience, you’re an expert on psychology.” His face twisted with cruelty. “You accusing me of being manipulative. That’s a little hypocritical, don’t you think, considering you were screwing around on me with my best friend?”

  I sucked in a sharp breath. The monitor beeped faster with my increased heart rate. “War.” This time my voice was plaintive.

  “I knew he always had a thing for you, Lacey, but fuck, I trusted him, and I trusted you.”

  “I know, War.” Tears stung my eyes. “I’m sorry.”

  He turned his back to me. The line of his shoulders was stiff below the ends of his hair. “How long has it been going on?”

  I sighed, but he deserved the truth. “Only the one time and it was me that’s to blame for it.”

  His shoulders dropped but when he turned around, I powered on. “But it doesn’t really matter, does it?” My gaze slid from his and I looked out the window, watching slivers of orange peek through the gaps in the metal window blinds. The sun was finally setting on this disastrous day. And it was time to end this relationship that had gone on for far too long. I slid the ring off my finger and held it out to him. “Here. You and I both know this isn’t going to work anymore.”

  His expression darkened. He looked away again. “Keep it.” His voice was gruff.

  “No.” I shook my head. “Maybe you can get your money back.”

  “Yeah.” His gaze sling-shotted back to me. “What about my heart that you’re ripping to shreds?” He took a step closer, eyes unmistakably glassy. “How am I gonna get that back?�
�� His lips flattened. “Lacey, you almost died. I realized a lot of things while you were there in the ICU. Mostly how much you mean to me. I’m sorry about the Morris deal, and the way I handled the RCA thing. But I believe we can get past that if you’ll try. Let’s start again. There’s still time to work things out.”

  My bottom lip trembled. This was the sweet side of War. The part of him that had stolen my heart as a teen. “We’re not kids anymore, Warren. It’s too late for do overs.” Warm tears of regret spilled onto my cheeks. What remained of this battered and bruised heart of mine would always belong to another and that wasn’t fair to War. I held out the ring. He reached out and closed my fingers around it.

  “Keep it. To remember the good times.” He held my eyes for a moment shared sadness flowing wordlessly between us. He gave me a tight nod of acceptance before leaning down to kiss my forehead, a strand of his hair trailed through the wetness on my cheek as he straightened.

  He paused in the doorway for a brief moment. “Goodbye, Lacey,” he whispered finally and disappeared.

  When my eyes opened again, the room had fallen into shadow, silent except for the slow quiet beeping of the heart monitor. Scanning the room, I found a familiar figure slumped over in the chair. “Dizzy,” I croaked. My voice was so dry. He shifted, the leather of the lounger groaning beneath his weight, but he continued to snore. I swallowed and tried again. He opened his eyes and blinked the sleep away.

  “You ok?” he asked, rising and crossing to my side.

  The concern in his amber eyes made me determined to reassure him. “Not yet, but I will be,” I said with forced confidence.

  He didn’t speak, but his expression softened and he covered my hand with his own.

  “I really screwed up everything, Diz. You were right the other day about my life being out of control. I’ve been living on the edge for a while. It was only a matter of time before I fell off.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  I took in a fortifying breath. “It’s too deep a hole and too steep a climb to get out of as quickly as I’d like. I’m going to take it one step at a time.” I paused. “First step is rehab.”