Our Little Secret (Finding Forever Book 1)

by Rebecca Raine

  She nodded, accepting the finality in his tone. “Well, I hear Derek’s family adores you,” she said, hoping to lighten the mood. “Sounds to me like you have everything you need.”

  A smile curled the corners of his mouth. “I do now.”

  That darkness still lingered in his eyes when he added, “I’m telling you all this because I want you to understand what you’re doing if you choose to be with us,” he said, holding her hand. “You could lose people you love. Your family, your friends. People you believed would support you through anything. It could destroy your life. Just like it almost destroyed mine.

  “I want you to understand why I insist on keeping our private life and our business life separate. The way we live our lives is no one else’s business. People can be narrow-minded, Julia. If everyone knew the truth we could lose clients, employees.” He met her gaze, and she saw the echo of pain in his eyes. “I don’t want anyone to look at Derek the way they looked at me. I don’t want them to look at you like that either.”

  She could read between the lines. It wasn’t difficult. He wanted to convince her what he’d been doing all these years, keeping people in the dark about their real relationship, was in everyone’s best interests. If they were going to go further with this, he wanted her to agree to keep it a secret from everyone except family and close personal friends, just like Derek did.

  She understood his concerns. She wasn’t ready for anyone at all to find out about their relationship. She wasn’t sure she would ever be ready. Still, she had seen the way keeping their relationship a secret hurt Derek.

  When he’d explained, during their weeks together, why no one at work knew the true nature of his and Scott’s relationship, she’d seen how uncomfortable it made him. He’d even admitted to her once that he hated hiding from everyone, but continued to do so for Scott’s sake. In the face of that, she just wasn’t sure she could rationalise away such behaviour by claiming it was a business decision.

  They were still sitting in silence when they heard pounding on the door. Without a word, Julia rose from her chair and went to let Derek in.

  Chapter 23

  Derek groaned dramatically as he staggered out of Julia’s bedroom and into the living area a few weeks later, rubbing at his lower back.

  “I’ve had it,” he growled. “I cannot take another night in that tiny arse thing you call a bed. I vote we go home tonight.”

  Scott made a derisive sound from where he sat at the dining table, not bothering to look up from the screen of his tablet. “You didn’t seem to mind last night when I had you bent backward over the edge of it.”

  “I wasn’t trying to sleep then,” Derek grumbled.

  Julia listened to their banter from the kitchen as she sipped her coffee from the mug in one hand while flipping pancakes with the spatula she held in the other. “We were at your place all week,” she called out. “I have to come home sometimes. All my stuff is here.”

  “Why is that again?” Derek dropped into an armchair and curled his legs up in front of him.

  Scott appeared in the kitchen, muttering something about spoilt princesses as he opened and closed cupboard doors. A few minutes later he plonked a steaming mug of coffee on the table in front of Derek. “Drink,” he commanded. “It’ll shut you up.”

  Julia grinned at Scott’s gruff manner. They had been back together for nearly a month now and she’d never been this happy in her life. She had no idea where this was going and wasn’t even close to being ready to think about it, but for once in her life she just wanted to enjoy each moment as it happened and not worry about the future. She’d done enough worrying to last her a lifetime.

  She was putting pancake-laden plates on the dining table when there was a knock at the door. She frowned, having no idea who would show up on her doorstep this early on a Saturday morning. She cracked opened the door and gasped in horror when she found her mother standing on the other side. “Mum!” she cried loudly. “What are you doing here?”

  “Morning, darling.” Her mother greeted her with a cheerful smile. “I know I wasn’t supposed to be here until ten but your father’s in a bad mood this morning so I left early. I figured we could have a cup of coffee before we head out.”

  “Mum, we were supposed to go shopping tomorrow. Not today.” She knew her voice sounded shrill, but she couldn’t help it. Her mother was standing on her doorstep and her two boyfriends were about to have breakfast at her dining table. This was not a situation she’d prepared for.

  “Were we?” Her mother’s eyebrows crinkled in confusion before she shrugged. “I must have written on the wrong day in my calendar. Oh well, if you don’t have time to shop I’ll just stop for the coffee and head home.” Her mother wasn’t going to leave without coming inside. Of course, she wouldn’t. Why would she? What reason could Julia possibly have for refusing to let her mother into her house? Other than the half-naked men in the next room of course.

  She let her mother inside and closed the door quietly behind her, dreading the moment she turned and saw the confusion on her face. How would she even approach this conversation? Mum, I want you to meet my boyfriends. Yes, there’s two of them and we all have hot, sweaty sex with each other. Isn’t that great? Aren’t you proud of your little girl?

  “Oh, hello there. I didn’t realise Julia had company.”

  She cringed at the surprise she sensed in her mother’s voice, though it was still polite as ever. Julia turned around just as the two men came forward to introduce themselves. Her mouth dropped open. They were both dressed, all the way down to their shoes. How the hell did they manage it so fast? She never even heard them get up from the table.

  “Good morning, Mrs Hearst.” Scott held out his hand in greeting, he sounded slightly winded but otherwise completely normal. “I’m Scott and this is my partner, Derek.” Derek gave a tight-lipped smile and nodded his head. A lock of brown hair, still mussed from sleep, fell over his eyes and he raked a quick hand through the unruly waves.

  “Oh, I see.” Her mother’s tone made it clear Scott’s use of the word ‘partner’ had clued her in to the fact the two men were together. “Well, it’s lovely to meet you gentlemen.” She looked Julia up and down with a pleasant smile that clearly asked why she was still in her pyjamas while entertaining guests.

  “Derek and Scott just dropped in for a late breakfast catch up,” Julia blurted out, adjusting her robe to ensure she had appropriate coverage. “It was a total surprise. I had no idea they were coming.” She forced a laugh, as if it had all been outrageously funny, but it came out more as a high-pitched squeal than actual mirth. Scott snorted at the odd sound, but Derek and her mother just looked at her as if she’d come down with a sudden case of insanity. “Would you like some pancakes, Mum?” She dashed into the kitchen to grab another coffee mug.

  “No, thank you, darling. I’ve already eaten.” She sat herself down at the table, settling in for a nice chat. “How do you all know each other?” she asked, her gaze flitting between Derek and Scott.

  “We used to work together, at my last job,” Julia said as she set a steaming cup in front of her mother. She didn’t bother to point out the two men were actually the ones paying her salary at the time.

  “Well, I do hope you don’t mind me interrupting your surprise breakfast. I’ve barely seen my daughter in the last few months.” The slight tinge of reprimand in her tone made Julia feel guilty. She hadn’t been hiding from her parents or anything, but she hadn’t been in as close contact as usual for a while. She hadn’t meant to avoid them, but she’d felt bad knowing she would be lying by omission when she failed to tell them about her new relationship. Kind of like what Scott did, and Derek was forced to do, whenever they were at work or in public, she realised.

  “No problem at all, Mrs Hearst,” Scott said. “Now we have two beautiful ladies to enjoy breakfast with.”

  “Aren’t you the flatterer.” Her mother all but beamed with delight at the compliment. “Please, call me Edith
.”

  Scott beamed right back. “Thank you, Edith.”

  Julia excused herself to get dressed, dread sitting like a lump in her stomach. She’d never seen Scott so chatty, or Derek so quiet. Had they switched personalities for the morning or something? She didn’t like it. It seemed unnatural.

  Once she was in her room she threw off her robe and pulled on the first clothes she laid hands on. An old pair of jeans and a t-shirt. The t-shirt was wrinkled but she didn’t care. Her mother and her boyfriends were sitting alone in a room. A wrinkled shirt was the least of her worries.

  A few moments later she dropped into a chair back at the dining table. Her pancakes sat on the plate in front of her, all buttery and covered in maple syrup, but her appetite had vanished.

  “Julia tells us both you and your husband are also accountants,” Scott was saying.

  “Yes, we are.”

  “And you encouraged Julia to do the same?”

  “Actually, we were surprised when she decided to following in our footsteps,” Edith replied with a wave of her hand. “We thought she’d do something with a little more pizazz. But she seemed determined so... ”

  “But you and Dad wanted me to be an accountant,” Julia said with a frown. They’d never said those actual words, but it had always seemed to her like the expectation had been there.

  “We were delighted you wanted to join a profession that had been so good to us and we’d enjoyed. Of course we were.” Her mother smiled at her indulgently. “But, honey, we would have been happy with whatever you wanted to do. You know that.”

  “Right.” She stared back down at her untouched pancakes. Somehow she didn’t think ‘whatever you want’ would stretch to a three-way relationship. She’d been putting off thinking about it, but now that her mother sat at the breakfast table with the three of them it was a lot harder to ignore the implications of the situation. She had to make a decision, and soon. Was she serious about her new relationship? Or would she ultimately run from it before she was forced to take any real risks?

  She looked at Derek, saw the strain in his face, and the most important question came to the fore. For how long was she willing to hurt Derek to keep their relationship a secret?

  Chapter 24

  The moment the door closed behind Julia’s mother, Derek went into the bedroom to grab his wallet and phone. He’d held his tongue through breakfast, not wanting to upset Julia, but no more. Now they were alone again, he couldn’t keep up the charade a moment longer.

  He’d been doing this dance for years. Pretending he and Scott were just friends whenever they were in public or at work. Only able to relax and be themselves among his family and the few close friends Scott decided could be trusted. He’d allowed Scott to act as if it was good for the business, or whatever the hell he wanted. All because he loved him and wanted him to feel comfortable.

  Now, he was faced with doing the same dance for Julia’s friends and family and he was sick to death of it. He hated hiding. And it was hiding, no matter what Scott said to the contrary. Derek just wanted to be happy loving the two people who meant everything to him. What was so wrong about that?

  It wouldn’t be easy, he knew. Even among those who welcomed homosexuals, there were people who would still be vigorously opposed to a polyamorous triad. He got that. He just didn’t understand why he was expected to spend his life catering to other people’s way of thinking. He loved Scott and he loved Julia. He wanted to spend his life with them. If other people didn’t like it, he didn’t give a damn.

  “Derek?” Julia spoke so softly he barely heard her over the ranting in his own head.

  He turned to look at her, keeping his face carefully blank. He didn’t want to be angry with her, knew he had no right to be. That didn’t stop the fury flaying his insides.

  “I’m so sorry.” Her bottom lip quivered as she spoke, and her eyes glistened with tears.

  Scott came up behind her and put his hands on her hips, leaning down to drop a kiss on her shoulder. “There’s nothing to be sorry for. You were surprised and you didn’t know how to react. It’s understandable.”

  Derek walked past them, heading for the door. “I have to go out for a while.”

  “Wait, please.” She grabbed his arm to stop him from leaving. “We need to talk about this.”

  He turned back to look at her over his shoulder. “There’s nothing to talk about, Julia. I understand your reluctance to tell your mother about us. I do. I just thought... I guess I thought you’d be different.”

  “What did you expect her to do, Derek?” Scott demanded. “Announce to her mother over morning coffee that we were both in her bed last night? It’s an awkward enough situation when there’s one unexpected man at the breakfast table.”

  Derek’s gaze locked with hers, wanting to see the truth her eyes couldn’t hide. “Except that isn’t what you felt when you opened the door this morning, is it Julia?” The words were ripped from somewhere deep inside him. And it hurt like hell. “You didn’t feel awkward or embarrassed. You felt shame.”

  She shook her head so hard the loose bun she’d pinned her hair up in came free and all those golden strands fell in a tousled heap around her shoulders. She was so beautiful, his throat constricted and he found it hard to breath.

  “No. That’s not true.” She said the words with force, but he saw the doubt in her eyes.

  “Are you sure?” he asked.

  She bit into her bottom lip and lowered her head. It was answer enough.

  He cupped her cheek in one hand, his thumb stroking her soft skin as he rested his forehead against hers. “It’s all right,” he told her. “I’m used to being one person’s dirty little secret. I’m just gonna need some time to adjust that number to two.”

  “Derek, no,” Scott barked out from across the room. “You’re being ridiculous and you know it. We keep our private life private, nothing more. It’s not a big deal. You’ve never had a problem with it before.”

  “Not a big deal?” Derek yelled, astonished Scott could ever, for one second, have believed that. “Always having to be careful of every word that leaves my mouth and every move I make around you. Constantly aware some unconscious action on my part might give the game away. Knowing if I do, you’ll wonder if I did it on purpose. It’s exhausting!”

  “What do you want to do?” Scott’s voice was quiet now. It had a hard quality to it Derek had rarely heard before. It warned him that Scott was beyond angry. Now he was livid. “Should we print new business cards with Gay House Builders on them? Maybe we should hang a new sign on the door or send out flyers to make the announcement. Would that make you feel better?”

  Derek stood with his arms crossed over his chest. It was past time they had this conversation and he was not about to back away from it just because Scott was being a smart arse. “What do you think would happen if we did?” he asked. “Would all our employees quit? Would the guys at the construction sites walk off the job? Would all our clients run screaming into the distance?”

  “Of course I don’t think that.” Scott scoffed at the notion.

  Julia’s nervous fidgeting caught Derek’s eye. Her gaze darted back and forth between them like she was watching a tennis match. Her brow was drawn down into a worried frown and she was wringing her hands so hard they were turning red. He remembered the love they had all shared in the past few months. It had changed all of their lives for the better. If he had given into Scott’s reluctance and not made the first move, they would have missed out on all of it. What else had they missed out on because of Scott’s fears and Derek’s own willingness to give in to them? What was Scott so afraid of?

  He realised he already knew the answer. He’d always known. “You’re so scared you’ll be rejected again like those lowlifes you call parents rejected you. Like your brother rejected you. You’re terrified of the people who would treat you differently. Aren’t you?”

  “Don’t pretend you understand what it’s like,” Scott ground out, his eyes
wide with fury. “You’ve never had to deal with it and I never want you too.” Coming forward, he grabbed Derek’s face in his hands. “Don’t you get it? I love you. I don’t want you to hurt like that.”

  “I’m already hurting,” Derek told him. He took hold of Scott’s wrists and removed the other man’s hands from his face. “You hurt me, just a little bit, every day.” At first, every denial of their relationship had felt like a paper cut on his skin. Small, inconsequential. Then, over the years, the lies had become knives slicing at his flesh. He didn’t even remember how long ago he’d begun to bleed.

  “You hurt Julia when you lied about our feelings for her.” All his anger and resentment came racing to the fore, demanding release. “You hurt me when you lied about why she wouldn’t return my calls. You kept us apart for weeks, all in the name of protecting us.”

  “I thought it would be easier—” Scott began, but Derek cut him off.

  “I don’t want easy, you bastard,” he yelled. “I’m proud of who I am and the life I’ve chosen. And I’m proud to be with you. It doesn’t matter to me how hard it is, because you’re worth it!”

  The silence that followed was suffocating.

  Derek’s chest heaved as he looked from Scott’s devastation to Julia’s open-mouthed shock. In an instant all the anger drained away, leaving exhaustion in its wake.

  His gaze returned to the man who had been his whole life for so long. “I only wish you felt the same way about me.”

  Turning away from both of them, he strode out the front door and down the driveway to the car. His heart pounded so hard he thought it might burst through his chest and he struggled for every breath. He hadn’t meant for everything to come out like that. He hadn’t meant to be so angry.

  As he drove away only one question raced through his mind: What the hell have I done?