Dreamspinner Press Year Six Greatest Hits

by JD Ruskin

  “Good,” he said. Finally, he took a long drink from his own glass.

  “I’m sorry Dane left. Sorry for both of you. I don’t think he’s as sure of himself as he wants us to think.”

  He was quiet a minute before he added, “We can hope he comes back.”

  I nodded.

  “You get some sleep now, Josh. Then come have breakfast with your aunt and me tomorrow, and we’ll go see Hurricane.”

  I nodded again.

  He stood up. “I know you don’t believe me and this doesn’t help at all right now, but things will get better. You believe that, son.”

  I nodded and got up. I didn’t believe him, but I didn’t want him to know. He’d been so understanding about everything, I couldn’t let on that I doubted him again. I ducked my head. He settled his hand on my neck and pulled me into an embrace. He held me for several minutes.

  “We’ll get through this together, Josh.”

  I nodded. When I finally let him go, he reached for the empty bowl.

  “I’ll wash that and bring it in the morning.”

  “Oh no,” he said, holding it away from me. “You can’t deny me the happy look your aunt is going to give me when she sees you emptied it. See you in the morning.”

  I DIDN’T leave the ranch for days after that, except to visit Hurricane. Then he came home, and I didn’t leave the ranch for another week. I spent most of my time with him, caring for him or simply talking to him. Uncle Karl had one of the hands take care of the rest of the horses for me.

  I didn’t see Jesse the whole time. I ate most of my meals with my aunt and uncle, and he didn’t join us. To be fair, he was moving cattle part of that time, from the mountains to winter pastures closer to the big house.

  I made it through the days, but the nights were long, full of bad thoughts and painful memories. My bed felt too empty. I missed Guy and my brother. But mostly, I ached for Dane.

  Sarah came over one afternoon to see me. We went for a walk past the cabins, around the swim pond, and through the woods. It was cool, and a stiff wind signaled winter’s approach. But the sun was bright and warm and healing.

  I filled her in about Guy and Dane, and she stopped walking and hugged me close.

  “I’m sorry, Josh. Do you think they’ll come around?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t even know where Dane is or how to get in touch with him. But Guy… I hurt him bad, Sarah, and I didn’t even know it. I wish I could do it over.”

  She laid her head on my shoulder. “Guy is overly emotional. It makes him a good artist, but it can be hard for the rest of us. Give him some time, maybe?”

  “I hope, but I’m not so sure.” I changed the subject. “So how are your classes this year?”

  She smiled and took my hand and steered us back toward the pond. It was her favorite spot on the ranch. “Like always. A couple really good. A so-so one. There are some great kids in my writing class, including one boy I know is gay.”

  She looked up at me, shading her eyes against the sun. “Do you think I should tell him it’s okay to write about it, and I won’t tell anyone?”

  I smiled. Sarah’s gaydar was good, and she always wanted to help her students. “You probably ought to wait to see if he knows it himself. Some of us don’t have friends who point it out to us in grade school, you know. And some guys don’t figure it out until long after high school.”

  “Okay.” She was quiet a long time.

  “Have you talked to him?”

  “Who?”

  I chuckled. “My brother. Mr. ‘He’s So Romantic’.”

  “Was romantic,” she corrected, venom in her voice. We had reached the pond, and she headed for a bench under the trees and plunked down. I sat beside her.

  “Sarah, he’s a good man. Don’t let what’s between him and me get between you two.”

  “Always so forgiving. Never angry, Josh?”

  “I try.”

  “How do you do that?”

  “Aw, Sarah….”

  Folks had asked me that question before. She knew that, and that I didn’t like talking about the subject. I just wouldn’t. But I had to do what I could to make sure she didn’t stay mad at Jesse because of me.

  She was studying my face now, like she could hear my inner debate.

  “Come on, Josh.”

  “You remember the day my parents died?”

  “Of course.”

  I knew she did. I was called out of class to hear it from the principal. Sarah told me later that the secretary who sent me to his office whispered the news to my teacher as soon as I left the room. Sarah heard, and the next thing anybody knew she was running down the hall right behind me. She slipped her hand in mine and went in that office with me and heard it too. Held my hand the whole time until Uncle Karl arrived to pick me up. Held my hand a lot during all the time I didn’t talk to anyone after, even though I didn’t talk to her either.

  “I got real angry at my mom that morning, Sarah, and look what happened.”

  She stared at me a long time, like she was remembering back and trying to figure out what I meant.

  “You know those two events weren’t connected, right?”

  “I do now, I guess.”

  “That’s why you quit talking.”

  I nodded.

  “What do you mean when you say, ‘I guess’?”

  I smiled. “Is this Teacher Sarah about to lecture me?”

  She took my hand and grimaced back, but her eyes were smiling. “No.”

  “I know what you’re going to say,” I began, hoping to make myself clear and end this conversation fast. “And I agree with you. My anger did not cause the accident. But the last time I saw my mom, I was angry at her. And she knew it. Yeah, I was little then, but I was nasty. I said ugly things that I can’t ever take back. Now I’m grown up, and I understand cause and effect. But I don’t ever want to have anything like those feelings again. I don’t ever want my last conversation with anybody to be an angry one if I can help it.”

  My last words to Dane came back to me in a painful flash, and I buried them fast and deep, along with the shame stabbing at my heart. They rang through my head every night in the middle of the night, for a long time, always followed by a smartass voice telling me it was too bad I hadn’t learned anything from that mistake after all. I was living again with a lot of feelings I thought I’d left behind in childhood, feelings of regrets you couldn’t make up for and self-hatred that didn’t fade in the morning light.

  I gripped Sarah’s hand hard. “I don’t want that for you with Jesse, ever. Do you understand? And I don’t want to be the reason for it either.”

  “But I am angry with him about how he’s treated you and what he’s said.”

  I swear, if she’d been standing right then, she’d have stomped her foot like she used to when she was little. “Jesse and I will get past this, Sarah. We’re still brothers. But it may take a long time.”

  I knew that in my heart. Or maybe I just couldn’t bear to think we wouldn’t be close again.

  “But this division right now between you and Jesse is really about me, not something related to the two of you. And it’s not right or fair to him that this should end your relationship.”

  “We were hardly together long enough to be a relationship,” she scoffed.

  “He’s loved you for a while. He’s known you long enough, and himself long enough, for the words to be true. Don’t be quick to throw that away.”

  “But what if he’s an antigay bigot?” she demanded.

  “We both know he’s not.” I realized I knew that was true. “A lot of his anger is about him believing all that time that you and I would get married, Sarah, and that I’d been dishonest with you too. Does that make sense?”

  “I suppose.”

  “I swear, if you were five again, you’d be sticking out your tongue right now.”

  She punched me and wiggled into my side so I’d put my arm around her. “When’d you get so wise?” s
he asked.

  “Please, give him another chance.”

  “Just for you.”

  “That’ll do. But don’t tell him that’s the reason, okay?”

  She smiled and slugged me hard.

  A few minutes later, we both got up. She took my hand, and we headed toward my place. As we got close to Jesse’s house, she slipped her hand out of mine and walked toward it.

  I went home and stood behind the curtain framing the front window, where I could see out without being seen.

  About twenty minutes later, they came out of the house together. He was smiling. He walked her to her car and opened the door for her. They didn’t kiss, but she touched his arm before he closed her in, and she waved to him as the car started down the driveway. He waved back and stood there looking after her long after her car disappeared.

  I slipped away from the window.

  A COUPLE of days later, my aunt came looking for me in the big horse barn. In a panic, I dropped the tack I was checking.

  “What’s the matter? Is Uncle Karl hurt?”

  She laughed. “It’s nothing like that. I’ve decided that today is your big day to reappear in society.”

  I didn’t like the sound of that one bit. “What do you mean?”

  “I need to go shopping in Livingston, and you’re coming along to help.”

  “Since when do you need help shopping?”

  “I’m stocking up for winter, and I need muscle to push the cart.”

  “You are making this up.”

  “Nope,” she said with a wicked twinkle in her eye. “Now go up to the big house and wash up. We’re going to town.”

  “Aunt Kate….”

  “You cannot hide on this ranch forever. And I’m still as able to put folks in their proper place as I was when you quit talking.” A broad smile spread across her face, making her fine wrinkles disappear.

  “I really need to get this tack fixed, Aunt Kate.”

  “And I really need your help in town. Now go clean up.”

  “Oh, no! It’s Killer Kate!” I teased, like I had when she’d pushed me right after I started talking again. Back then she was so happy she let me call her that.

  “You know I paddled Jesse’s behind the one time he said that to me.”

  “You’re kidding?”

  “Nope. And he never forgot it. Was the last time he sassed me. Now get moving.” She smacked my butt as I walked past her and out the barn door.

  ONCE THE truck got closer to Livingston, I started thinking the whole idea was a bad one, especially when we drove by the grocery.

  “There’s a couple things your uncle wants from the hardware store. Thought you could help me get them,” she explained.

  “Sure.”

  The grocery, I figured, would be loaded with women this time of day, and they’d likely limit their disapproval to nasty looks. Those I could handle. But the hardware store would be full of guys, especially old guys. My stomach soured.

  Aunt Kate patted my thigh. “It’s going to be okay, Josh, no matter what happens, I promise you. I’ve been reading about this on the PFLAG website. We are going to be surprised at who is supportive and who isn’t, but we’re going to get support. You believe that.”

  I kept my mouth shut. The only thing I believed was that I’d become her new project, and I wasn’t pleased.

  We walked into the hardware store and faced our first test at the door. Behind the counter was Bob Granger, and he was talking to Mr. Campbell. A retired rancher, Bob was a valley old-timer. But he still had the lean frame of the rodeo competitor he’d once been.

  Mr. Campbell was an old friend of my uncle’s. He took one look at us and turned his back. Mr. Granger frowned at him and looked up at me.

  “Hey there, Josh,” he said, friendly like always. I nodded.

  “I was really sorry to hear what happened to your horse, son,” he said. “Glad you weren’t hurt.”

  “Thanks, Mr. Granger. Hurricane’s getting better every day now.”

  “I’m glad,” he said sincerely.

  “Hello, Art,” my aunt said to Mr. Campbell.

  He didn’t say a word. Didn’t turn around. My aunt frowned.

  “Hello, Kate,” Mr. Granger answered.

  “Bob.” She smiled. “Guess us Brookses are going to learn who our true friends are.”

  Mr. Granger eyed Campbell sternly, like he was giving him a second chance. But Campbell ignored him too and fiddled with his purchases.

  “I’m real sorry, Kate,” Mr. Granger said. Maybe he thought being in charge of the store meant he needed to apologize for rude customers. “You’d think people who’d known you their whole lives would just take everything in stride,” he added.

  “Some people can’t help it, I suppose,” my aunt answered.

  That was it for Mr. Campbell. He grabbed his things and stomped out of the store. I guess we won that one.

  My aunt handed me her shopping list and pushed a cart in my direction. “Will you go find these things for your uncle, Josh?”

  I bumped into Carson Mason in the car supplies aisle and steeled myself. He and I had been in the same grade all through school and friendly, but he was Mr. Campbell’s nephew.

  “Carson.”

  “Josh,” he nodded. “I can’t believe there’s nothing anyone can do to Hanson. He could’ve shot you. That’s fucking unbelievable.”

  I let out the breath I’d been holding. “Thanks, Carson.”

  “He’s getting his due, though. Don’t worry about that. He’s lost the contract for training the resort ranch horses.”

  “Really?”

  “Yup. My brother-in-law’s working there now. He told me. Said he thinks they’re going to be giving you a call soon.”

  “That’d be nice. Thanks for the news, Carson.”

  “You bet. And if you ever want to go out, I’m hanging out at the Lonesome Whistle Bar now. Won’t go near Cunningham’s. Call me. We can meet up there.”

  “I’ll do that, Carson.”

  At the grocery store, it was more of the same. The folks I saw that were my age still nodded at me. Most of my aunt’s friends said hello to both of us, or at least to her. I guess that made us let down our guards. Then we ran into Velma Baker in the canned goods aisle.

  “Velma!” my aunt called to her favorite cousin. Velma was about ten years older than my aunt, tall and thin, with long white hair piled high atop her head so she looked even taller and thinner, pinched almost.

  “I’m so glad to see you,” my aunt said. They had been close since they were young. “I was getting worried when I didn’t hear from you these past couple of weeks. Have you been on a trip?”

  “I have not,” she said sharply. Then she pitched her voice loud enough so probably half the store could hear. “I can’t talk to you as long as that sodomite is living at your ranch, Kate, and you know that very well. Why haven’t you and Karl turned him out?”

  “Velma, what are you talking about?”

  “No one else will tell you this, Kate, but I’m family and it’s my duty. That queer is going straight to hell, and you and Karl will too if you don’t force him to change or leave your place.” She looked straight at me, hatefulness oozing out of her like pus.

  “My aunt and uncle don’t have anything to do with it.” How dare this woman go after my aunt.

  “It’s your parents’ fault,” Velma answered, sure as she could be. “But you can change—”

  “You leave my parents out of it too.”

  I was vibrating with barely controlled anger now. “Come on, Aunt Kate. Let’s go.”

  But my aunt had found her own voice.

  “Velma,” she said plenty loud and clear, “I’m truly sorry we won’t be speaking again. I’ll pray for you to change about this.”

  “Pray for me….” the woman sputtered, searching for what to say next. Guess her religious script didn’t have a comeback for that.

  “Come on, Josh,” Aunt Kate said. “We’ve got thi
ngs to do.”

  Aunt Kate gave the cart a shove and was halfway down the aisle before I caught up.

  We headed for checkout after that and didn’t say anything until we reached the truck.

  “I’ll drive,” I said, taking the keys out of her hand. “I think you might be a little too riled up.”

  “You have no idea,” she said as she climbed in. She turned toward the backseat and kept on talking while I loaded the grocery bags into it. “That woman has some nerve. She doesn’t even follow the Gospel when it comes to her own family. Do you realize,” she said as she turned around again so she could see me after I’d climbed into the driver’s seat, “that her oldest son has been in prison for four years, and she has never visited him?”

  “He’s probably grateful.”

  At that, my aunt broke into a laugh that didn’t stop until after I’d pulled out of the grocery parking lot and onto Highway 89.

  “Oh Josh,” she said between gasps for air. “If your sense of humor is that good, I can quit worrying. You are going to get through this just fine.”

  I still wasn’t sure. But I was happy she was laughing.

  I’D JUST finished dinner when the knock came at my door. I figured it was Sarah. I’d heard her car pull up at Jesse’s. She’d been at his place a couple of times since our talk, and I was glad about that, even though my brother still wasn’t talking to me.

  But it wasn’t just Sarah. Jesse was behind her when I opened the door, and he had his hand on her shoulder, and they both looked anxious. I started worrying right away.

  “What’s the matter?”

  Jesse cleared his throat. “Can we come in?”

  I held the door open. Sarah came in first.

  “Hey, Josh,” she whispered as she hugged me, holding on a little longer than usual. Then she sat in my Gran’s favorite leather easy chair.

  Jesse followed behind her without looking at me. There was an alien restlessness about him as he sat on the arm of the same chair. His right leg pulsed up and down, his boot heel clicking loud on the hardwood floor.