After Midnight

by Lacy Hart

  “So why did you give it up?” Dr. Weber asked me. “I’m sure you could have stayed in if you wanted to. You’re still a young man, still, fit and capable. What made you want to leave that behind?”

  “There were a lot of reasons, I think. I knew Adam was in his last year of high school and that this might be my last chance to spend any time with him. He’ll be going to college, forging a life of his own, and I have hardly played a part in his life up to now at all. Another part of it was that I think my concentration wasn’t what it needed to be anymore. After Ella died, I threw myself into work, giving it my all, focusing on what we were doing stronger than ever because… because I didn’t want to think about all the other stuff in my life. After doing that for two years, I think my commitment started to wane. Also, we were no longer in Afghanistan. We had gone back to Northern Africa and were still doing important work, but it wasn’t the same for me anymore. I knew if I wasn’t concentrating the way I should be that I didn’t want to chance making a mistake that could cost lives. When the time came and my twenty years rolled around, I put in my papers, and that was it.”

  “Do you miss it?”

  “I miss the camaraderie, the men I worked with, and yes, there are parts of the job I do miss. But there are a lot of things about it that I don’t miss, too.”

  “Like what?”

  “Watching people you care about die comes to mind. Killing other people is something I don’t miss either.”

  “I imagine that is a difficult thing to resolve for you,” Dr. Weber said as he sat back, removed his glasses, and wiped them on his shirt.

  “That’s being mild about it, Doc,” I told him. “Too many people today are so anesthetized to things like that. You see video games, and movies and TV shows all the time with people getting shot, blown up, stabbed or whatever, and they don’t think about what it’s really like when you experience a situation like that. You can’t take a second to decide whether it’s the right thing, to hit the pause button on the game or reset it. You just have to do it, or the people you care about get hurt or die.”

  “It sounds like you dealt with situations like that a lot.”

  “Are you asking me if I killed many people?”

  “Did you?’

  I took a deep breath. I could feel my hands gripping the sides of the chair tightly.

  “More than I probably know of directly over the years. There were times when I knew directly, and others where I fired long-range weapons that likely killed people as well. It was my job to do that. What I was doing was saving more lives and keeping my men, my country safe.”

  “No one is questioning that, Caleb,” Dr. Weber reassured. “You were among the chosen elite to do that job and protect everyone – your men, other soldiers and civilians in the area, me, your family, your country, and yourself. That doesn’t mean you don’t feel anything about having to do that. It’s perfectly natural to feel the emotion in that situation, whether it is anger, guilt, or sorrow. And it’s okay for you to deal with those feelings.”

  “It doesn’t feel like it should be okay,” I said. “I think that is one of the things I have struggled with the most since I have been home. That and…” I cut myself off again.

  “And what, Caleb?”

  “And the fact that I feel like I have no direction here,” I said abruptly. “I don’t know who I am at home. In the Army, I knew exactly who I was, what I was doing, what my purpose was. For the last six weeks, I haven’t had any sense of who I am or what my purpose is here. I mean, I know I’m here to be a father to Adam, but outside of that, I can’t seem to find any meaning for what I am supposed to be doing here. I feel like a big part of my identity has been stripped away, and I don’t know how to find out what I should be doing. In a few months, Adam will be away at school, and that scares me because I feel like I’ll really have nothing here anymore. The goal was always to retire and spend time with Ella, find what makes me happy, and grow old together. Once that got all fucked up, the rest fell apart, and it seems even harder to figure things out now.”

  “What you’re going through isn’t uncommon for veterans, Caleb,” Dr. Weber stated. “You spent twenty years with the Army, with them telling you that everything you did had a purpose and was meaningful, and it was. Now, without anyone telling you that or giving you direction, you aren’t sure where to go. Feeling that way affects all the avenues of your life – your relationships with your sister and son, with making friends, connecting with anyone, your behavior and more.”

  “So, what do I do to fix this?” I asked. “I don’t want to go through life this way anymore.”

  “I think you’re making strides already, even if you don’t see it,” Dr. Weber said to me. “Your growing relationship with Sarah is an important first step for you. Working on the importance of your relationships with Linda and Adam are big too. How do we fix this? I wish I could tell you there was an easy answer to it but coming here to talk with me is one way to help yourself. I think through our talks you can understand more about the difficulties you’re facing, how to manage them, and manage your relationships.”

  I sat silently for a moment and then nodded my head in agreement with Dr. Weber.

  “Yes,” I said with affirmation. “That’s what I want.”

  “I do have another suggestion that I want you to consider,” Dr. Weber said to me. “Have you consider looking for a support group for veterans? A group that may address some of the issues you face?”

  “All those groups deal with PTSD, and I don’t…”

  Dr. Weber cut me off.

  “I know you don’t think it’s PTSD, Caleb, and to be honest, I don’t think that’s the issue with you either. Do I think you’ve been through trauma and experience stress? Absolutely. But I think you’re dealing more with transition stress than PTSD. Dealing with the grief of losing your wife is an added issue for you, but you are struggling more with finding your way after your military life. I think speaking with a group of vets that have that same experience can be helpful to you, help you reintegrate yourself to civilian life better and talk to people facing the same challenges you do. Just consider it, okay?”

  What Dr. Weber was saying did make sense, and maybe talking with other vets might help me see with some clarity what’s going on with me and how I can deal with it better.

  “I’ll consider it.”

  “Fair enough,” Dr. Weber said as he rose from his chair. “I think we had a good session today, Caleb. Can you come back on Thursday so we can talk some more? Same time?”

  “Yeah, I’ll be here,” I told him as I got up. “Thanks, Doc. I appreciate your help.”

  “I’m glad you see it as help, Caleb.”

  We walked out into the front office, and he opened the door for me.

  “Enjoy your date tonight,” Dr. Weber told me. “I am anxious to hear how things go for you.”

  “Me, too,” I told him with a smile. “See you Thursday.”

  I walked out of the office and the building and into the dusk. Streetlights were on as I made my way up the street, taking a deep breath and exhaling as I went. The talk with Dr. Weber was stressful, painful in some ways, but it did make me feel like some of the weight was lifting from me. I felt like I was headed in the right direction for the first time not just since I had been home, but for the first time since before Ella died.

  I made my way up the street, looking at my watch to see it was already 7:30 and I was running late. I hadn’t realized we had been talking so long in our session, but I had gotten caught up in everything and didn’t really want to stop.

  I picked up my pace walking up Oak Street, knowing I still had at least five minutes before I would get to Peter’s. I was walking past the local florist and saw they were just getting ready to close shop, but I jumped in quickly.

  “I’m sorry to catch you before you are closing,” I said apologetically to the woman behind the counter. “I was hoping I could just get a single red rose from you. I’m on my way t
o a date, and I thought… well, I thought she might like it.”

  “Aww, that’s so sweet,” the woman said to me with a smile. “Sure, I can fix something up for you.”

  She went behind the counter to the case where she had the roses, selected a single rose that looked perfect, and surrounded it with some baby’s breath. She wrapped it nicely for me and put a cap of water on the end of the stem to help keep it fresh.

  “Here you go,” she said to me, handing me the flower in its floral paper.

  “Thank you so much,” I said to her, handing her the money for the flower and then heading towards the door.

  “I hope your date goes well!” she shouted to me as I walked outside, the bells of the door jingling behind me as they closed.

  I hope so too, I thought to myself as I continued my walk up the street towards where Sarah was waiting for me.

  22

  Sarah

  In a way, I couldn’t wait for Caleb to leave for his appointment. I was enrapt in every moment we have had to spend together over the last day, but the time before we would go on our first official “date” gave me a chance to treat myself a bit. I had so few occasions where I got the chance to dress up and wear something nice that this was special for me. I had made sure to grab what I thought my best dress was out of my closet when I had packed quickly when Caleb took me home, and I even grabbed my favorite heels to match the dress.

  Being alone in Caleb’s apartment felt a little weird to me at first. It was almost like it was a place of my own, something I had never experienced before. Before I took the time to get dressed, I found myself going around and straightening up the apartment, making things look neat. When I went into the bathroom to take my shower, I even made sure to fix things up in there, so they looked their best when I was done.

  After my shower, I pulled out the clothes I wanted to wear for the night. I took some time in the mirror first, drying my hair and brushing it, so I had some nice body to it. I even put some makeup on, something rarely did at all, but I figured if I was going all out tonight I might as well give it a shot. It had been such a long time since I had put on anything like blush or mascara that I had to try to remember how to do it correctly, but I was happy with the results and used just a little bit to give me a look I wanted.

  I had plucked a black bra and matching panties from my drawer and remembered to snatch the only pair of black stockings I had in my dresser, hoping they didn’t have a run in them so I could wear them tonight. After getting the undergarments on, I slid into the black dress, a sleeveless, A-line dress with a little bit of flare that came down to just above my knees. The dress had just the slightest v-neck so that it showed just a bit of cleavage. I had bought the dress a few years ago, thinking I might never wear it since it showed more leg and cleavage than I ever did in my life. I loved the dress though, and it made me feel good to know I had something like in the closet that I could pull out for a special occasion, and this was the perfect opportunity.

  I slid into my black heels, making me just a bit taller so I would be even with Caleb. I reached into my handbag and pulled out my perfume, giving myself just a quick spritz so I would have that faint smell of flowers around me. I had a black shawl I grabbed to throw over my shoulders, put it on, and I looked in the mirror. I felt I was at my best, picked up my purse and the keys to Caleb’s car, and headed out the door.

  I gingerly made my way down the wooden steps, trying to make sure I had my balance in heels that I almost never wore. The last thing I wanted was to slip down the steps and have an accident and be laying there, splayed out in my dress, calling for help. I made it down the steps with a little work and walked over to Caleb’s Jeep. I saw there was another car in the driveway at this point, figuring it belonged to Caleb’s sister and hoped they wouldn’t think it was too weird that I was coming from Caleb’s apartment and taking his car.

  As I was unlocking the car, I heard a voice come up from behind me.

  “Hi, Sarah,” cut through the air, and I turned around and saw Caleb’s sister standing there, dressed in her business suit and holding her briefcase. I assumed she had just gotten home and out of her car when she saw me there. I could feel myself blushing profusely, trying to figure out in my head what I was going to say.

  “Oh, hello…” my mind raced trying to remember her name.

  It’s Linda! My brain screamed at me.

  “Hello, Linda,” I said to her, feeling more embarrassed now.

  “Wow, you look great,” Linda said to me as she looks over my dress.

  “Thank you,” I said to her, trying not to feel self-conscious.

  “Caleb said to take his car, I hope it’s okay,” I told Linda, though I was not sure why I felt the need to explain it to her.

  “Of course!” she said to me. “You should take his car. Goodness knows he hardly ever drives it. He’s always walking everywhere. I think all those years in the Army convinced him he needs to march to every location.”

  We both let out a little laugh. I took a quick look down at my watch and said to Linda nervously, “I should get going. I don’t want to be late to the restaurant.”

  “Oh sure,” Linda said to me. “I didn’t mean to hold you up.”

  I climbed into the front seat of the car, moving the seat up close enough so my feet could reach the pedals. I started up the car and was getting ready to pull out when Linda startled me by knocking on the window. I found the control to roll down the window and looked out at her.

  “Sarah, I just wanted to let you know… well, to let you know that I think it’s wonderful that you and Caleb are seeing each other. I know it means a lot to him and it has made a big difference, even just in a few days.”

  “Thank you, Linda,” I said to her. “It’s made a big difference to me, too.”

  “Okay, get going,” Linda said. “I already held you up long enough. Have a nice time.” Linda patted the car and stepped back and waved. I gave her a quick wave and backed out of the driveway so I could head out.

  It was funny to drive a car that was not only a lot nicer than what I was accustomed to driving but even to drive at all. I realized I was probably a lot like Caleb in this way. I walked everywhere I had to go, and my car had been out of the driveway as infrequently as it seemed Caleb’s was.

  I made my way over to Peter’s, which was up towards the end of Oak Street that led to the college. I didn’t get up this way very often anymore as I tried to stay away from the campus if I could. I could see some of the college kids that milled about on this side of town, hitting the local bars and cheaper places to eat. Peter’s stood out from all those places, giving the feel of class and expense that none of those other places carried. Peter’s was the place that you find a lot of the professional staff and the wealthy older folks in town that shunned the pizza, beer, and burgers joints.

  I pulled into the parking area and quickly realized that Peter’s had valet parking. I stopped near the podium where a couple of young men in red jackets, black bow ties, and black pants where standing around. As soon as I pulled up, they seemed to snap to attention, and one opened the door for me so I could get out.

  “Thank you,” I said as the young man gave me his hand so I could step down and out of the Jeep without trouble. He smiled and nodded to me and handed me a valet ticket. I walked towards the front door and had it pulled open by another young man in red so I could walk through with ease.

  I had never set foot in Peter’s before, but I had certainly heard about plenty. The restaurant had been around in Swanson for many years, and I knew that James and Denise had come here several times for dinner. The place screamed refinement and class from the moment you stepped inside, with beautiful chandeliers decorating the lobby area, a coat room just inside so you could check your coats, and quiet, classical music playing in the background.

  I walked up to the host area and was greeted by an older gentleman dressed in a black tuxedo. His hair was slicked back, and he bared a friendly smile as soon a
s he saw me.

  “Good evening, miss,” he said to me politely.

  “Good evening,” I answered. “I’m meeting a gentleman here tonight. We have reservations at 7:30.”

  “The name?” the maitre’d asked me.

  I had to think back quickly to what Caleb’s last name was, and finally was able to pull it out of my memory.

  “Oh, Wilson… Caleb Wilson,” I said quickly.

  “Oh, yes, here it is, 7:30,” he said as he checked it off. “Mr. Wilson has not arrived yet. I can seat you at the table, or you can sit in the bar, whichever you prefer.”

  “The table would be fine, thank you,” I said politely. The man nodded to me and led me through the dining room, over to a quiet area that featured several tables for two, along with some small booths. We stopped at one of the tables that looked out over the back garden the restaurant had that featured a small pond and waterfall.