Love is Fear

by Caroline Hanson

  For a moment she was speechless, couldn’t think beyond breathing. “You say these things to me…just throw them at me. Do you know how much they hurt? Do you care? I catch glimpses of you, Jack. Of the boy I grew up with and…he’s not you. You’re harder, colder. You’ve built up a huge wall around yourself and I thought I could get through it. That it would be me who you loved…. I thought maybe sex would get us there. Form that final connection where you would let me in and maybe want something else. But you don’t. You’re with me, you look me in the eyes, and yet…I know, know, that I’m not enough. ”

  She took a step back from him, ready to turn and flee.

  “Don’t put all these fucking words in my mouth. How dare you talk like you know me. You are in my heart. I would die for you. You know that!”

  She threw her hands up in the air. “I’m not asking you to die for me! I’m asking you to compromise for me. And you can’t. I know you don’t respect me and the decisions that I have made.”

  His hands fisted in his hair and he looked up at the ceiling. “There is nothing else for me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I did this. Sorry I brought you here…I thought I was doing the right thing. Being with you so you wouldn’t be with him.”

  Her throat was choked with tears and she had to wipe her nose on her hand, she was crying so hard. People passed by them, staring and then looking away the moment they got close.

  “Oh God, Jack. Really? The only reason you’re here with me is to keep me from him?” she said and felt like she was choking. She backed away and left him behind.

  Chapter 12

  She’d left him two days ago. Jack could feel himself sneer in self-loathing. Self-hate that reached into his gut, grabbed a hold of his nuts and left him feeling like, shit, who knew what the hell he felt like, he just needed another fucking drink.

  No, he was a shit. He glared down the bar at the bartender, who squinted back at him, leaving Jack to wonder if he might get cut off soon if he wasn’t careful.

  There were always more bars. Always more drinks. Always more vampires. But only one Val. And one person left in his family. Unfortunately, it was the same one person.

  Jack wasn’t quite sure how things had gotten so messed up. One moment they’d been having a conversation and while he wasn’t happy about it, he knew he was keeping his cool. Being methodical and practical.

  And then…then he told Val to keep her legs closed.

  California was six hours away by plane, but it felt like another lifetime. He wished he could go back in time and change things. The bartender finally came down and gave him a refill. Whisky. He didn’t care what kind. Whether it was cheap or expensive. Single or double. He just wanted it to burn. And to keep on coming.

  She might never forgive him. And why should she? He’d been an asshole. In fact, he’d probably accomplished the one thing he didn’t want to. His whole agenda for coming here had been to keep her out of that fanger’s bed. One goal. And she was probably fucking him right now.

  How could she make such a piss-poor decision?

  “Buy a girl a drink?” He exhaled sharply.

  “You know, I didn’t think this night could get any worse,” Jack said.

  He heard her make a noise, like a petulant growl, before saying, “Don’t be that way, Jackie. You may have girl problems, but it’s not me that’s the trouble.”

  He turned on the seat, arm on the bar and hunched over slightly, looking at Rachel over his glass as he swallowed his drink. “Am I dead? Are you the welcoming committee from hell?”

  She waved her fingers at the bartender and he hurried over. “I want what he’s having—” she flashed Jack an inscrutable look, “—and so does he, his glass is empty.”

  The bartender scowled at Jack. “He’s had plenty.”

  Rachel leaned forward and Jack saw the moment it happened, when the barkeep looked into her eyes and got trapped in her gaze.

  “Give him a drink,” she said in her husky voice and the man filled up Jack’s glass without complaining.

  The bartender walked away and Jack grabbed her arm, fingers biting into her cool flesh. “Don’t fucking do that. You hurt anyone else and I’ll kill you.”

  “That train has sailed, my friend.” She took a sip. “I was killable by you and your—”she looked at him insolently, gaze raking him from head to foot, lingering on the center of his body before she made eye contact again, “—little stick, but now, let’s just say I got promoted. You can try to get it in me, but—”

  Jack stood, pulled out his wallet and found his cash, throwing fifty dollars down on the bar before walking out the door. He remembered meeting Rachel at the elevator and didn’t want to go that way, so he pushed out a side door instead, heard the pounding of the ocean, could feel the spray on his cheeks as he stalked out into the night.

  He looked at the sky. No stars. Too many clouds. The night was warm and he was glad, happy to be alone. After a few minutes he hit the dark of the beach, all the lights fading behind him. A woman was sitting out there all alone.

  “Jesus fucking Christ! Take a god damned hint!A guy ditches you at the bar, it means he’s not interested. Leave now, or else.”

  She snorted. “Or else what? You punch like a girl.”

  “Don’t. Don’t push me.”

  There was a huge, empty moment where she didn’t say anything and the only sounds were the ocean waves crashing against the rocks. It was almost like he heard her though, promising to push him. As if he had spoken a dare, and all she wanted was to push every button he had.

  Rachel stood, dusted the sand from her palms. “Yeah, the surliness just won’t work with me. I know you’ve had a rough few days, but I’m not your bitch. Not your whipping boy. Not your girlfriend. Geez, you didn’t even buy me a drink. Ask me what I want and then I’ll leave you to sulk. Or is it a pout. What’s the status of your lower lip? If it’s jutting out, then you’re pouting.”

  His fist flashed out of the night, close to her jaw. She turned her head a little. As if meeting him for a kiss on the cheek. She let me hit her. Why? She pushed back, lightly, using just enough force to make him lose ground.

  Her low laugh washed over him. She was happy. Pleased that he had lost control and punched her. God. How could I do that? She’s a woman. No, you fucking moron she’s a vampire bitch who deserves to die. One he seemed unable to kill. No. Once the timing is right, I’ll do it.

  “Punch me again and we’ll have this out Jack. Is that what you’re looking for?”

  Jack stopped. His breathing was harsh, and she could feel the warm puffs of his breath on her face, smell the alcohol on his—blood.

  She could smell his blood.

  He must have caught his knuckle on her earring. The physical reaction to the smell of his blood was worse than any punch. His scent. The vitality of him. Her desire for him assaulted her, ripped her defenses down, stripped her bare.

  If he told her to kneel, she’d do it.

  If he told her to lick it off of him and suck him dry she would.

  She didn’t breathe. Didn’t dare. Didn’t look down at his hand, either because she couldn’t bear to see his shiny essence glinting at her in the night.

  So fucking weak. Don’t step back. Don’t give him a clue. Stay still. She took a step back.

  He didn’t seem to notice.

  “I need a favor,” Rachel said, and stood a little straighter. She sounded calm, collected.

  Good.

  Jack laughed, like he’d found out he’d won the lottery and been diagnosed with incurable cancer in the same breath. “Oh God. That can’t be good.”

  “You’ll probably get to kill something,” she said.

  “Who? What? Why me? Shit, let’s just go for all five—who, what, where, when, why?” He sat down on a nearby rock, moving carefully like the truly inebriated do.

  “Some evil people. Monsters. San Jose. Soon. Because.”

  He gave her a look of disgust. She could see it even in the dark, might have
felt it even without her heightened senses.

  “Why me?” Jack asked, extending one leg out and leaning back on both arms.

  “I need backup.”

  “Get Lucas to help you.”

  “No. I owe him enough. I don’t want him involved.”

  “Real friends wouldn’t use it as leverage later,” he said snidely.

  She chuckled. “Lucas isn’t a real friend. He is my Lord and Maker. Big difference.”

  “Lord and Maker. Creepy. He’s your best chance at success if you need firepower. Ask him.”

  She looked down, kicking her foot on the ground. Her words were quiet. “He can’t know. It’s too important and I want to keep her away from him.”

  “Her? New girlfriend?” He asked and couldn’t stop the unhappy laugh that came out.

  “No. Niece, actually.”

  He grunted. “Niece? How is that possible?”

  “Witches are long lived. It’s my sister’s daughter. I want to get her out of the coven.”

  “Why?” He shifted, resting his hands on the rock behind him.

  “People don’t know witches. They are not like their image. None of this granola-eating, white-magic, love-the-earth, blessed-be, crap. They’re evil. Like Wicked Witch of the West after she ate Toto for breakfast, evil.”

  “Hmm,” he said, brows drawn together. “And you want to save one of them? And you think I’ll help?” He looked at her oddly, like he couldn’t believe he was hearing her correctly.

  “She’s still little. Her powers have not manifested yet. But the witches, if she stays with them, they’ll have her start doing magic early, trying to bring her powers on. And that would turn her evil. Like serial killer, evil.”

  He visibly recoiled. “How old is she?”

  “Ten.”

  “And they’d have her…killing people?”

  She nodded, looking at the ocean and away from him. he didn’t answer. She’d have to say something else. She could feel him staring at her in the dark. Shit, she didn’t have anything else to say that might convince him.

  “Is that what you did?” he asked, too calmly.

  “For a little while. Witches have to use their power. And it’s dark. You can’t do it without causing a certain amount of pain. But that doesn’t mean she has to be a killer. Lucas got me out at twelve, and by then, I’d done a lot.”

  “Why did he save you?”

  She smiled at him a little oddly. “I’m a witch.”

  “Yeah, but…. Why didn’t he take someone else or—”

  “What are you fishing for?” she said, sounding impatient.

  “What does Lucas say about why he saved you and what he wants from you?”

  “I haven’t asked him.”

  “Why?” He burst out, “How could you not want to know?”

  “Because it’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me, and I don’t think he did it out of the kindness of his heart. He’s of the heart-two-sizes-too-small-variety. I don’t want to know that the best thing that’s ever happened to me wasn’t done because he—” she swallowed hard, “—okay, you know what, I didn’t come here for therapy. I’m going to go in and kill some bitches. They are murderers and fucking evil. I need help getting my niece out and you can do that.”

  He leaned forward. “What is your plan, exactly, and why me?”

  “Any other vampire would use it as blackmail. Witches are supposed to be extinct. She’s valuable. I need someone who’d be willing to protect her…someone good.”

  He shook his head and blew out a huge breath. “Good. I’m the good guy.” He laughed.

  “Have you seen the crowd I run around with? You’re totally a good guy. Always will be.”

  He looked at her for a long moment, his hands going up to his hair, raking through it in agitation. “What will you do with her?”

  “I’ve got a home for her. And assuming I survive this fucking quest for the Fey, I’ll help her out, ”

  “You?”

  She chuckled and it was so…pretty that it made him want to smile. “Yeah, me. Maternal instincts. No, seriously, she’s a witch. Witches need to do evil things. Need to harm and hurt to give their magic an outlet. You can’t take energy, use it for gain, without paying a price. But that doesn’t mean she needs to kill kittens and toddlers.”

  The enormity of what she was saying and asking finally hit him. His voice was quiet. “Wait. So she really is evil. Why would I want to save her at all?”

  “She’s powerful. She can kill vampires. What if we find the Fey? They’re scared ofwitches. You want a balance where evil is encouraged to play by the rules. And they only do that if they have something to fear. They’ll fear her.”

  “But she’s evil. You just told me that! I’ll fucking fear her. It’s like getting Kujo because you’re afraid of a German Shepard.”

  “She is not inherently evil. Her magic is dark, that doesn’t mean she’s evil. We can make her be good. If she’s involved in the human world, goes to school, grows up with someone who loves her, she’ll want to protect people. She’ll know the value of life.”

  “That’s a pretty speech. What, she’ll be like you? What’s your kill count?”

  “Are you going to help me or not?” she asked heavily.

  “No,” he said without hesitation and stood up, ready to go back to the hotel.

  “Mother fucker!” she yelled at him. “Fine. You want the fucking truth? I have never killed anyone who wasn’t scum of the earth bad. If I could stop Marion, I did. I stayed with her for eighty fucking years because she liked what I did to her. With Marion, I couldn’t cut deep enough. There was never enough blood.”

  She crowded in close to him, almost eye to eye she was so tall, her chest heaving, anger so high and close that it was like a pulse in the air. He’d back up if he had to, stake her if had to. “Everything I needed, she gave willingly—no, happily. Do you know what it’s like to be evil, to do monstrous things and then have your victim thank you? To know that you have made their day? It’s beyond fucked up, but I needed her and she gave me peace. I can save Molly, give her a life beyond murder. But I can’t do it alone and if you won’t go with me I can’t ask anyone else.”

  “If I don’t go, you’ll go in alone?” he asked. She jerked back a step, like she was scared of his voice.

  She was breathing hard, quiet for a long while. “Yeah. I think so. I might ask Lucas, after all. He’s in a weird head space anyway. Who knows, maybe he’ll die before he gets a chance to blackmail me.”

  “That’s bullshit.”

  “What? Lucas? He’s on the way out. I’d bet my life on it. He’s tried to die, you know. I think that’s why we’re going for the Fey. If anyone has a weapon to kill him, they’ll be the ones to make it.”

  He blew out a breath. “Okay, one thing at a time. You’re saying that if we rescue this girl now, she won’t hurt anyone for a decade, maybe more?”

  “Yes.”

  “I have something else I want to know.”

  “Yeah. I bet. What?”

  “Marion is gone. Who are you torturing now?” His voice was silky soft and she knew why he wanted to know. Felt the threat in the air.

  “You’d still kill me after this bonding session? You’re a cold cat, Jack. Don’t fash yourself, as my mother would say. The S and M scene in New York is wild these days. I can always find someone. Unless you’re offering?”

  “Don’t fuck with me,” he said flatly and with total disgust. Revulsion clear on his face.

  “So your answer is a ‘no’?” she asked exaggeratedly.

  He came closer to her and all the air seemed to flow towards him. There was nothing left to breathe. No matter how many breaths she took she’d still need air. He’d always have the upper hand with her. It was a fucking problem. And if he figured out the power he had over her—

  “Valerie. If she’s with Lucas I want to know. If she goes with him to the Fey, I want to be there. You tell me what the hell is going on and
if he makes a move on her. She doesn’t even want to be there and…she was worried about being alone with him.”

  “I bet she was. Emotionless vampire and a gal whose got more pleasure in the tip of her little finger than a box full of uppers. Yeah, everyone should be worried.”

  He looked at her murderously. She sneered at him. “You humans never want honesty.”

  “I want to be there. Every step of the way. To keep her from him. You want my help, you have to take me along.”

  She looked at him for an endless moment. “Deal.” She looked up at the sky, hands on her hips and then shook her head. n shookqWhy do I feel like I just made a deal with the devil?” she asked, then turned and sauntered away down the beach. “Well, thanks. I’ll take you out for a burger after.”

  “Let’s be clear,” Jack said, voice caressing her like a lover, “No, you won’t buy me a burger, go anywhere with me….” An endless silence where she waited in dread for what he might say. The thought was there, the words seemed to be stuck in his throat and when he spoke his voice was gruff, “or do anything with me. This is a job. And if I find out you have been killing people—and let me tell you right now, I’m waiting for it—then I’ll kill you. Really easily.”

  Death was in his eyes. He’d kill her and not even think twice about it. He’d do it and be fine with it. Maybe even be proud of it.

  Yeah, I got it.

  Chapter 13

  1602 (16 years after the birth of Virginia Dare)

  Cerdewellyn unbuttoned his jacket, the warm summer air stifling. Virginia threw him a look that was far older than her sixteen years and drew her dress over her head, carelessly tossing it onto the grass before running towards the water in her shift.

  Her hair fanned out behind her, the undergarment’s material almost transparent. He could see the outline of her hips, her smooth back. She turned back and looked at him, beckoning him towards the water.