Secrets of My Hollywood Life #1: Secrets of My Hollywood Life

by Jen Calonita

  "I was wondering where you scooted off to, sweetie," Sky coos after planting a long wet kiss on Trevor's surprised face. Sky's wearing a black satin strapless dress with a corseted waist. "I told you to wait for me outside the ladies room."

  What is she doing here?

  Before I can say anything, Liz runs over and grabs my shoulders.

  "Adam Brody is sitting two rows behind us!" she screeches, then looks at my blank face and turns around to see why I'm so pale. "Oh, hi, Sky," Liz coolly greets her, smoothing out a crease in her white linen dress. Liz accessorized it with a purple-and-yellow Pucci scarf that only she could pull off. "Who invited you?"

  "Trev, of course," Sky answers flatly, turning her bony bare back to us to plant another kiss on Trev's beet red face. Poor guy. Give Sky two weeks and she'll have moved on to someone else, like she always does.

  "When Trev told me he was coming to K's premiere, I asked who his date was." She flashes her trademark smirk. "When he said he didn't have one, I told him there was no way I was letting him do the red carpet alone. Everyone knows that's premiere suicide!" She looks from Liz to me. "Speaking of dates, who are you with, K?"

  "ME," Liz states, taking a confident step forward.

  I'm speechless. Suddenly I have comeback-itis. I can't form a single zinger. I can't believe Sky is crashing my movie premiere! Well, it's actually Mac's movie premiere, but I'm in the film too.

  "Figures you would be here, Liz," Sky purrs. She takes Trevor's buttery popcorn from his hands and takes a step towards Liz and me. "You're always Kaitlin's date. I'm surprised the Star hasn't done a story on that yet. People are probably wondering why you two are always together." Sky grabs a fistful of the greasy popcorn. "Want some, K?" She holds the dripping kernels in front of my face. I move to swat her hand away, but they drop right down the front of my dress. "Oops!" she exclaims in mock horror.

  I want to throw something, or yell that Sky is pulling yet another childish antic, but before I can freak out, Trevor swoops in with a packet of pre-moistened wipes. "Here." He offers them quickly. "I always carry these in my pocket in case of an emergency."

  I pull the kernels out and dab the dress gingerly. Thankfully, there doesn't seem to be a stain. "Trev, you're a life-saver." I breathe a sigh of relief and shoot daggers at Sky. Where is Rodney when I need him?

  "Funny how that happened though, isn't it, Kates," Liz comments, moving closer to Sky. Her face is wrinkled up in disgust. "When Sky is around, there's always a problem."

  "It was just an accident," Trev protests, stepping between them.

  "That's right, sweetie," Sky agrees innocently, looking up at him wide-eyed. "Maybe we should find our seats though before there's another one." Sky turns Trev around, slips one bejeweled hand into his back pocket, and steers him away.

  "Can you believe her?" I whisper incredulously to Liz. I check my dress again. I have to remember to tell Nadine to buy thoses wipes.

  "Kaitlin, the movie is going to start," Laney informs me, reappearing suddenly. She looks at my shell-shocked face. "What happened?"

  "You missed the fireworks," Liz responds dryly. She quickly fills Laney in on the popcorn debacle as Rodney, carrying an assortment of snacks, helps us find our seats in the large auditorium.

  "The nerve," Laney seethes as we walk past the beautiful Asian vases and statues that decorate the 2,000-seat theater. Even though the lights are dimmed, I recognize many industry folks seated nearby. Behind me I hear a fan call out, "HI, KAITLIN!" "Looking, good Samantha!" someone else screams.

  "... showing up at your movie premiere," Laney is fuming in an undertone, spitting out her words in disgust. "She's unbelievable."

  "I gave Trevor two tickets," I explain sheepishly, wiping my arm from Laney's wet rant, and take a seat next to Liz. Mom, Dad, and Matt are already seated and busy greeting everyone around us.

  "Is Trevor a moron?" Laney asks, and then shakes her head. "Never mind, you just enjoy yourself. I'm going to find Barry Weinberg and tell him that we don't expect to see Sky at the after-party."

  "I don't want to cause a scene," I protest. "I'll stay clear of her."

  "I'll make sure she does," Liz promises. Liz hates Sky. Their dads are partners at the same entertainment law firm and Liz says Sky's father is always trying to steal Mr. Mendes's clients.

  The theater lights start flickering to signal the movie starting. Laney mouths "stay put" and walks away to find her seat.

  "We're so proud of you, honey," my dad leans over and whispers as the credits roll. Mac's name appears on the screen, and the audience cheers loudly. My name follows, and our whole row hollers along with the auditorium. It's an amazing feeling.

  "Kates, did you see who's sitting in front of us?" Mom looks like she's going to have a conniption. "Hamilton Wein-berg." He's the head honcho at the hot new indie company, Famous Films. Everyone wants to work with him -- including me. "Make sure you go over and introduce yourself after this."

  I smile weakly in the dark. It's going to be a long night.

  Six: The After-Party

  I'm not sure if I should laugh right now or cry.

  When the Off-Key closing credits begin to roll 136 minutes after the opening credits, and Mac Murdock's and my entourages are escorted out a side exit of the theater to thunderous applause, I start to hyperventilate. It's not because I could hear Sky's high-pitched cackle during the whole movie (she was a few rows behind me), or because I had just spent over two hours watching myself onscreen. The real reason for my freak-out is that I can't stop thinking about what's next on tonight's agenda -- the big talk about hiatus.

  "Take deep breaths." Liz puts a firm hand on my shoulder as we're ushered inside the after-party. I exhale slowly. Okay, I think I'm ready to do this....

  I lied. I want to throw up.

  Well, at least I'll be sick somewhere fabulous. The LAX hangar where the Off-Key party is being held is lit almost entirely with tall white beeswax candles, and the fake-palm tree-bedecked dance floor is packed with people swaying to a Kanye West tune mixed by DJ-AM. Waiters are milling about the room dressed in Russian military uniforms, just like the one Mac steals to sneak onto the base where Kather-ine is being held captive. In a separate area is a piano bar where musicians are playing the same tunes Bo and Kather-ine practice during a scene in their Brooklyn loft.

  Smack dab in the middle of the hangar, Liz and I are escorted to a reserved booth and given virgin "Macho Mac Margaritas."(Party planners think it's cute to come up with custom drinks named after the movie's stars. Tonight there's even a "Kaitlin Kola," which is vanilla-, raspberry-, and cherry-flavored Coke. It's actually pretty good.)

  Nadine slides in the booth next to me. "Okay, I just saw your parents and Matt talking to Sandra Bullock," she murmurs, glancing around the room. "They should be making their way over here shortly. That is, unless Matt begs her to make Miss Congeniality 3 with him as her costar."

  I take another deep breath. "I can do this," I reassure Nadine and Liz. "What's the worst thing that can happen anyway?" An annoying laugh pierces my eardrum. The three of us turn to see where the noise is coming from and spot Sky and Trevor holding court with a reporter and camera crew from Celeb Insider.

  "Um, that Sky overhears you and sets out to singlehand-edly destroy your career?" Nadine offers brightly.

  Liz nudges her. "That's not going to happen," she instructs us both.

  "Of course not." I pluck the lime from my Macho Mac Margarita. "Sky's already got her tabloid story for the night." Liz and Nadine look confused. "Guys, how could you forget so quickly? Didn't you see me spill my popcorn all over her in the lobby? It's a good thing Trev was there to save her from my evil greasy clutches."

  Liz giggles.

  "I'm glad you two think this is funny." Nadine shakes her head. She stops suddenly and sits straight up in her seat. "Parental units, twelve o'clock," she whispers sharply. I look up and see my parents and Matt headed straight towards us.

  "We just had the lovelie
st talk with Sandy Bullock," Mom announces as she slides into the booth. "She's a huge fan of FA. She said she hates summer Sunday nights because FA is in reruns. Sandy thinks you should have new episodes year-round."

  "Maybe then Kaitlin could get me a part," Matt grumbles under his breath.

  "Year-round?" Nadine repeats. "When would Kates have time to rest?" She steps on my foot a little too hard, considering she's wearing white Nine West stilettos. There's my segue.

  "Time off is for people who don't have a hot career," Laney admonishes as she appears from behind a plastic palm tree. "Guess who I was just talking to?" We look at her dumbfounded. "Hutch Adams's agent," she shrills.

  Hutch Adams. He's my absolute favorite director (not counting George Lucas, of course). All the big stars want to work with him. He does everything from smart dramas known for their witty dialogue to action-packed sci-fi fare with cyborgs and aliens -- done the right way. I especially like Seeing Is Believing and Rock On. (I've forgiven him for doing High Stakes Part Deux.)

  Mom squeals. "What did he say?"

  "We were talking about Nobu," Laney starts off. "I said I had been there the other day with Sarah Jessica. We had her son James Wilkie with us, so we wanted something quiet for lunch. Asiade Cuba is just too loud. Anyway, Keith says he was just there with Hutchie and he's officially signed on to direct a sci-fi film for Wagman Brothers Studio. Are you ready for the best part?" Laney's French manicured fingernails tap the table dramatically. "The movie is shooting during hiatus and the lead is going to be a teenage girl! Kaitlin will definitely get an audition!"

  "Oh my God," I whisper. My head spins. I've wanted to work with Hutch forever, but this hiatus? No, I can't audition ... I need a break ... Oh God I'm confused. This wasn't how my conversation was supposed to go at all....

  "What's the movie about?" Dad asks eagerly. "Do they need a producer?" He scratches the shiny bald spot on his head.

  "The movie takes place in the distant future," Laney explains breathlessly, ignoring Dad's second question, "and it's about a young man and a woman who suddenly realize they're part of a government experiment. They're being bred to form a super-human race!"

  "Have they cast the man, Laney?" Matt interjects. "I love sci-fi." Everyone starts talking at once.

  "When does it start filming?" I ask quietly.

  "June," Laney exclaims. "Perfect timing. Your press commitments will be done by then."

  "A Hutch Adams project would be perfect for us, Kaitie-Kat," Dad says. "We need a strong vehicle this summer."

  Hmm ... I could still go to Clark all of March and April and be free to do pre-production work in May. My schedule would be clear if Hutch wants me.... Who am I kidding? I don't even have an audition! Hutch Adams probably doesn't know who I am. "Speaking of my press commitments"-- I clear my throat, gripping my chair under the table -- "I wanted to talk about the hectic schedule."

  "What about it, Kate-kins?" Dad bites into a juicy crab cake. "Laney makes it and you do it. She's a machine, this girl." Dad pats me on the back. "The more work, the better!"

  "Actually, Kaitlin was just telling me how tired she is," Liz says, nudging me.

  "Did you?" Mom asks me impatiently. "Now's not the time to be tired. We're talking about Hutch Adams here. What we've wanted for a long time."

  "Liz, that's crazy!" Laney chuckles. "It's not like Kaitlin's working twenty-four-seven. She's on a soap series, for God's sake."

  Everyone laughs. Even Matt, who has no clue what he's laughing about.

  "I do work hard," I try to speak up, but not so loudly that people in nearby booths will hear me. "And I'll keep working hard. But I need some time off." I sit up straight. "And I'm going to take some this hiatus."

  It's so quiet I can hear the 50 Cent tune that's being mixed in the background.

  "We shouldn't be talking about this in public," Dad grunts. He loosens the blue-checkered Armani tie around his neck. "The competition could be listening."

  "No one can hear us over 50 Cent, Dad," I remind him. "Now's the perfect time to talk."

  "Sweetie, you're just tired," Mom says. "You don't need to change your hiatus plans. We gave you a week off before your press starts. That's plenty of time!"

  "It's not, Mom." I look her in the eye. I pause and glance at Laney and Dad. "I need some time to do what I want to do this hiatus; otherwise I'll get burnt out --"

  "You're not getting burnt out." Laney cuts me off. "Are you?" Did a shadow of doubt just cross her sun-kissed face?

  "I will be if you keep pushing me like this." I'm surprised at the confident sound of my own voice. I glance at Nadine. She nods her red head for me to keep going. "You guys can't decide everything for me. This is my career and I think the best thing for it right now, with all this tabloid garbage and the stuff with Sky, is to take a breather."

  "A breather is code for retirement!" Mom gasps, clutching her chest. "You're not thinking of retiring, are you? Because you have a three-year contract with Family Affair. You can't break that, Kaitlin, you just can't!" Matty rolls his eyes and fans her with his white linen napkin.

  I want to remind Mom about Hollywood Secret Number Seven, but I think better of it. The word "retirement" doesn't exist in this town. Stars can be washed up, or overworked, or claim they want to spend the rest of their life sipping margaritas on St. Vincent -- but they always have a shot at returning to the bright lights if they want it enough. Look at John Travolta. After a string of movies about talking babies, the guy did Pulp Fiction for peanuts and totally revived his career. I'm not worried about mine though. Two months off is not going to kill it.

  "I'm not retiring," I say firmly. "I'm just taking two months off to ..." Laney chokes on her Scotch (neat) and coughs explosively. "Go to school," I finish.

  Everyone is quiet. Glasses clink as a waiter brings over a tray with Kaitlin Kolas. Mom grabs the Russian military officer's arm. "I'll have a sour apple martini. Make that two."

  Dad blinks. "School? But... you study already. You have a tutor."

  "No, Dad, I mean a real school," I correct him. "With classrooms and other kids. Not Monique and me perched in my dressing room summarizing evolution. I want a chance to be an ordinary teenager. I want to see what it's like to have homeroom, school dances, and gym class."

  "And what are you going to do?" Matt snorts. "Just walk into the school and say, 'Hi, I'm Kaitlin Burke, I'd like to enroll here for a few months?' E! would be staking out the school in no time." My mother moans.

  "That's right," Dad bellows. "You'd be too much of a distraction to the other students, Kaitie-kins."

  "Shh!" Laney hisses, glancing around suspiciously.

  "I already thought about that." I squeeze Liz's hand for support. "That's why I'm not enrolling as myself."

  "Kaitlin, don't be silly," Mom shakes her platinum-blond head dismissively. "Just because you change your name doesn't mean people won't recognize you."

  I open my mouth to speak and Laney cuts me off.

  "Don't even say it! Don't even think it!" Laney shouts crazily. She seems to have forgotten where we are. And Laney never forgets that she's at an exclusive Hollywood party. "If you're thinking what I think you're thinking, it's suicide!"

  I ignore her -- for the first time ever. "Everyone: I'm going to go to school in disguise."

  "What? What's she talking about?" my Dad asks Matt.

  "Beats me," Matt mutters, and reaches for a mini filet mignon on crispy bread.

  My mom narrows her green eyes at Nadine and Liz. "Did you two put her up to this?"

  "Kaitlin, listen to me." Laney looks around the room again nervously. She grabs my hands in hers and holds my gaze fiercely. "I can't believe we're discussing this here.... Okay, look, I understand you're a teenager and you want to do normal teen stuff once in a while." I nod. "But now is not the time to disappear. You've got tabloid rumors plaguing your every move and a costar out for blood. Now is not the time for games! If someone catches wind that you're disguising yourself to go to
school, they'll think you're doing it because you're unhappy with your work. If people start believing that, Kaitlin, you'll never get another role!"

  "Laney, no one is going to find out." I stare into her eyes, which are wide with horror. "I'm not dropping off the face of the earth. I just want to do what I want for a change this hiatus. I promise I'm going to do my press as well, and be seen, and do everything."

  Laney raises one razor-thin eyebrow doubtfully. "Well, how do you expect to do that?"

  I look at Liz again, and then launch into my foolproof plan. My words tumble out so quickly that they don't even interrupt me, almost. How I'll only be going to class in March and April, all the while keeping my press commitments, which would be scheduled around classes. How I'll be enrolling as a sophomore at Liz's school, so I won't be going alone. How I plan on staying in the public eye and going to select events. Dad gets a little crazy about the security issue, but I reassure him by promising that Rodney will chap-erone my trips to and from school. Laney's big concern is the disguise itself, so I tell her that she can have approval over it. That seems to calm her down. A little.

  "I want Paul and Shelly to come on board and supervise your look," she demands. She runs her long fingers through her hair. "I can't believe I'm even entertaining this."

  "You have to." Liz slurps her kola. "You work for her." I kick her under the table.

  Laney purses her plump lips. The table is silent for a minute. "I'm going to be watching you like a hawk, Kaitlin," Laney finally mutters. "Remember that. But I'll support you as long as you promise you won't tell anyone who you really are."

  "Why would I do that?" I ask. "Liz is the only one who will know."

  "Who can guess why?" Laney says, narrowing her black eyes at Liz. "You could meet some guy and want to spill your life story, but I'm warning you, don't do it."

  "I won't. I'll be too busy for guys anyway." I try to suppress a grin. Once Laney caves, Dad and Matt aren't far behind. I can't believe it. They're all actually listening to me! Everyone looks somewhat placated, except for Mom. "Mom?" I reach for her hand. "Say something."