by C. A. Harms
“Please.” Her lower lip trembled, and I closed my eyes tightly, trying to clear it from my mind. “I know you’re hurting, Corbin, I know the last thing you want is to be forced to talk about it. So, we won’t talk, we’ll just drive. I’ll sit silently, letting you scream and say hurtful things, and all I will do is be there.”
“What if I don’t want you there?”
“I’m sorry but that’s just not an option, because whether you want to admit it or not, you can’t get through this alone.”
“You can’t fix me, Palmer.”
“I don’t want to fix you.” Opening my eyes, I watched this beautiful girl. Her eyes were reddened from the tears she’d shed, her lips swollen. “Let’s go for a drive, and at the end of that drive if you still want me to leave you alone, I will.”
She took in one deep calming breath after another. Two weeks before I was doing all I could to gain this woman’s attention, and there we were with the tables turned.
Chapter Fifteen
Palmer
My hands shook as I gripped the steering wheel tighter. Corbin sat in the passenger seat next to me, softly snoring. The chair was reclined back, he was curled toward me, and the seatbelt was pressed to his cheek.
I hadn’t really thought this thing out very well. All I knew was the minute Corbin willingly climbed in my car, I had to think fast. Three hours in and I was driving toward the one place I felt might actually be able to give him some peace.
My phone buzzed where it lay next to my leg and I grabbed it in a hurry, fearful it would wake him.
“Hello.”
“How is he?” Immediately my heart hurt for Clayton. He was so lost on how to help his brother, that connection they’ve always had, the one where they practically know what the other is thinking, has been stressed.
“He’s asleep and from the sounds of his snoring, I’d say he was in desperate need of it.”
“So, what’s your plan, Palmer? You gonna drive around Florida all night?”
This was where things got tricky. I wasn’t sure if I was doing the worst thing possible or seeking the peace I hoped he’d find. “I’m taking him home, Clay,” I whispered, glancing to the lost man at my side. “When we went to Kentucky, he told me about how you all used to camp up at the top of the hill you took us to, the one that had that amazing view that overlooked everything.”
“Yeah, we’d camp up there with our dad.”
“It was one of the few times during that trip when he actually dropped the act and became serious. When he talked about those times I could see how they gave him peace. It was almost like he got lost again in those moments when you two were kids. Like he found peace in those memories and I just got to thinking that maybe he needs that. Peace, a reminder of what life is, and how at times we all feel lost there is still hope that we’ll be okay again.”
My vision clouded with tears when I heard Clayton sniffle. These two guys were so lost and so devastated and all I wanted to do was make them both better. Even if it was just a small fraction of peace, I wanted them to have that.
“Thank you,” Clayton finally whispered, and it eased the worry inside me that I had made a mistake. “I’ll give you a few days and then I think Em, Ethan, and I will head that way. I’d like to camp out with my brother, too.”
I blinked away the tears and nodded even though I knew he couldn’t see me.
“Do you think that you can call ahead and talk to your dad? It might be easier to convince him if the gear and everything was already set up when we get there.” I still wasn’t sure he wouldn’t be pissed at me for making this choice without talking to him first, but I was willing to take that chance.
After ending the call with Clay, I still felt so unbelievably uneasy with my choice. What if this was the worst mistake and me pushing just managed to shove Corbin over the ledge? How would he deal with that? I glanced over at him, feeling my chest constrict at the thought. He looked so peaceful now, but I knew there was a war going on inside his head and his heart.
Looking back toward the road, I blinked away the tears that had filled my eyes and hit the speed dial on my phone. Besides Emelie there was only one other person I knew who would reassure me and tell me the truth.
“Hey, pretty lady.” Dalton’s voice made those emotions I was trying to hide reappear and my throat instantly burned. “How are you?”
“I did it,” I told him, knowing he’d know exactly what I was referring to. “But now I’m terrified it was the wrong move.”
“Do you care about him?”
“More than I’ve ever admitted out loud, until now.” Again I fought my tears.
“Then it’s not the wrong move, Palmer,” Dalton assured me. “Sometimes the right choices are still painful. It won’t be easy, and most likely he’ll fight you on it, but stand behind your decision. Most of all, help him understand that he’s not alone. Maybe it’s time you open up too and stop hiding behind your own fear.”
It was pointless to battle the tears, so instead I let them fall. Dalton was right, if I wanted to reach that space inside Corbin that I knew still existed, I had to let him in too.
***
“Where are we?” I was startled by his gruff tone in the darkness of the night. We’d been on the road for close to five hours and honestly, all I’d heard in that time was him grumbling and snoring.
“Road trip,” I said in explanation as I continued to stare ahead. I could see him moving around in my peripheral vision, and I held my breath waiting for him to pinpoint our location, then our destination.
“I may be hungover, tweeking on the aftermath of whatever shit I decided to take to ease the ache, but I know the way to Kentucky.” And that took less than thirty seconds. “You mind telling me why we’re going in that direction?”
“Do you promise not to get angry and jump out of the moving car when I answer your question?”
Again I was met with silence, and I felt my stomach begin to churn with unease. Before I would have considered Corbin harmless, but lately he was a ticking time bomb and I was terrified I’d be the one responsible for detonating that bomb.
“I don’t know if it’s possible to be truly angry with you, Palmer.” I chanced another look at him only to find him staring straight ahead too, calmly, which was surprising. “Not even after all the times you dismissed me was I ever angry. And as far as the jumping from a moving car thing, I can guarantee you I’m not that big of a dumbass, sober or wrecked.”
Guilt hit me, though I did my best to hide it.
“Can I share something with you?” I felt my heart begin to race. “Something I’ve never told anyone, besides those that knew me during that time.”
“Sure.”
I took in a deep breath and flipped my blinker toward the right lane. A rest stop sign came into view and I knew that to share what I had to, I didn’t need to be behind the wheel. As I veered off and began traveling up the lane that led toward the small, lit building ahead, Corbin remained quiet at my side. Even when I parked at the very edge of the parking lot, far away from the lights and people who mulled about, he still waited quietly.
“I had my license for less than a month,” I began as I leaned back and crossed my arms over my chest. It was an action I performed often when I felt vulnerable. “My best friend, Anna, and I decided that we were going to take a drive to the beach, even after our parents told us that we weren’t allowed to drive that far. I was still a new driver and she was a few weeks shy of passing driver’s ed herself. They felt our experience was limited and that we should remain in town only.” I blew out a slow calming breath. “But we were two teenage girls that believed we knew everything and decided the punishment should we get caught was worth a day by the ocean. Everyone we knew was going and we’d be so lame if we decided to skip because of some crazy parental nonsense.”
Corbin turned in the seat, leaning his head against the headrest, and just watched me in silence.
“We made it there, spent the wh
ole day with our friends, flirting with the guys and planning when the next time we’d come would be. It was almost perfect.” I could already feel my chest tightening with what came next. “The sun was already starting to set when we left, and I remember us rolling down the windows, turning up the stereo, singing along to some boy band. We laughed, talked about the day, and I think we even made fun of the fact that our parents were completely oblivious to what we’d been up to all day.”
My voice cracked, and Corbin reached out to rub my arm soothingly. “You don’t have to tell me this, Palmer,” he assured me. “Let’s just get back on the road.”
“No.” It was my turn to look at him. “I need to tell you. I need you to understand that what you’re feeling inside is something I can sympathize with. I know you think that it’s easy for everyone around you to tell you that you need to move on, that you need to accept when they don’t know how you feel. But Corbin, I need you to see that I do understand, that I know how much it hurts, and how you feel like you’re drowning inside.”
He closed his eyes and for a second, I debated whether to continue, then his eyes opened, his gaze connected with mine, and he nodded.
“It happened so fast,” I whispered. “Just a split second when the truck coming at us crossed the line and it was too late to correct that mistake. Anna took the brunt of the hit and they said that due to the fact she’d loosened her seatbelt and unclipped the shoulder belt, she had very little restraint. I was told over and over that it wasn’t my fault, that there was nothing I did that caused her death, but they were all wrong. I’m the one that was behind the wheel. I could have said no to the trip. I could have chosen to listen to our parents and stayed home like I should have.”
“She would have gone with someone else.”
“Maybe,” I agreed. “The thing is I spent months after that blaming myself. I went through counseling and I failed all my classes. I refused to drive for two years because I was terrified that I’d be responsible for another person’s life. I even went so far as to not allow myself to make any friends and lost all those I had. I actually believed that if I isolated myself from everyone that the pain would go away, and I’d somehow be able to cope with the visions in my mind. The ones where I screamed out for my friend to wake up as I remained trapped by the steering wheel against my legs.”
“I know what you’re feeling, Corbin, and it’s an agonizing, terrible emptiness that overpowers everything inside of you. It makes you question life, its purpose, and every move you make. Makes you wonder why you made it and they didn’t.” He only nodded his head, looking so fragile it crushed me. I reached out and placed my hand on his cheek. “It’s a dark place and I just want you to know that you aren’t there alone. Because I still feel the effects of that day and I think I will for the rest of my life.”
“‘Kay.”
I understood that at that point he was unable to say anything more. But I didn’t need more, I knew he got it.
“You know those stories that you shared with me about your camping trips up in the hills behind your house?” He nodded, with his eyes still closed tightly. “I was hoping that maybe you and I could spend a couple of days up there like you used to. We don’t have to talk unless you want to, but maybe we could watch the sun come up together.”
“Are you proposing a sleepover with me, Palmer?” For the first time since Brent’s death I saw a trace of a smile on Corbin’s lips. “Because you should know that I didn’t pack any extra clothes, and I like to sleep in the buff.”
I realized in that moment just how weakened a simple grin from Corbin could make me feel. I didn’t deny it or blame it on the isolation of the country life, I only accepted it.
“I did pack clothes, but,” I shrugged, letting my head fall back toward the seat behind me and watched his eyes for the reaction I suspected would come next, “I prefer to sleep in the buff too.”
A simple almost undetected widening of his eyes was followed by a tug at the corner of his lips, making my heart feel as though it lurched in my chest. More than anything I wanted him to heal from his loss, accept that the life he’d been gifted should be lived to the fullest and not wasted. Yet this playfulness between us felt pretty amazing too.
“Would you like me to drive now?” Corbin attempted to hide his smile by quickly changing the subject.
“Are you sober?” His head tilted slightly in regard to my question. “You were pretty messed up earlier and I’m positive it was more than just alcohol.”
For what felt like forever he only stared back at me. My chest ached at the thought of thrusting him straight back to the dark world of depression.
Chapter Sixteen
Corbin
“Light pink, with a darker pink trim.” I watched as confusion etched Palmer’s features. I knew I should ease her mind and tell her what I was referring to, but I was momentarily lost in the way her hair fell over her shoulder and rested just above her chest. Lost to the pouting look on her lips and the way my heart thumped so loud and defined, making the blood rush and the echo of it all swoosh in my ear.
“Okay, you are most definitely not clear-minded enough to drive,” she stated, turning in the driver’s seat and reaching for the gear shift.
“If I wasn’t sober and clear minded, would I be able to remember exactly what your panties looked like from the day in the woods?”
I watched Palmer’s throat bob, I’m sure from her nervous swallow. She didn’t look back at me, but I could practically visualize her mind racing.
“I remember everything about that day,” I continued. “I remember the way you argued with me all the way up that hill, even when we reached the top. So damn stubborn, fighting against the attraction you felt for me.” She now looked toward me, narrowing her eyes at me. “I remember how you felt in my arms, the way you wrapped your legs around my waist and threw your head back.” Again she swallowed hard. “Your bra was the same light pink as your panties.”
“What does any of this have to do with you being clear-headed?” she asked, trying her best to hide the way my words affected her. She failed miserably.
“If I wasn’t sober and my mind wasn’t unaffected by the aftereffects of the alcohol, then I wouldn’t be able to picture in my mind exactly, detail for detail, what took place between us that day.” I paused, letting the information sink in and taking satisfaction in seeing the way it faulted her confidence, even if just slightly. “But I should tell you that even drunk, I remember the way your whimpers and moans sounded in my ear.”
I tried not to smile when she bowed her head for just a second or maybe three to regain her composure.
“I’ll let you drive on two conditions.” Palmer took in a deep breath before lifting her chin from her chest and looking toward me once more. “One, you continue to drive in the direction of Morehead, Kentucky.” I nodded in agreement without saying a word. “Two,” she swallowed again, making her throat bob with the nervous energy I could sense was running through her, “we forget about all the morbid details of our time in the woods.”
A few seconds passed as we stared at one another in the darkness of the car, with only the tall lights surrounding the rest stop highlighting the area around us. It had been days, weeks even, since I felt the ping of excitement within me. If I’m being honest, I’ve felt lifeless, emotionless, and plain lost since the day of the accident. But as I sat in Palmer’s small car, feeling the energy that ran between us, I felt that part of me that I’d thought was lost ignite inside.
I wanted to challenge her, throw out some comment that would only make her fumble and lose her resolve even further. But instead I leaned a little closer, and she leaned back, making me smile. “I won’t talk about it,” I said, watching her shoulders visibly relax, “but I should make you fully aware that I will, in fact, be thinking about it. Playing it over and over again in my mind. It was too good of a time to forget.”
Seeing a trace of a smile tug at the corner of her mouth was satisfying.
/> “See, you know it too.”
“Are you done yet?” There was that tough demeanor, that sassiness of hers that drove me to seek out more flares.
“Not even close.” I moved toward the passenger door, knowing that I’d left her with her mouth hanging open. From the moment I first met Palmer I was intrigued. It didn’t matter that she did everything she could to act repulsed by me, I could sense she was lying. I may have annoyed her, but the tension outweighed it all. In fact, I think the aggravation she attempted to show was just a way to hide the interest she truly held.
Rounding the front of the car I approached the driver’s side and pulled open the door. She still remained in the seat, staring ahead, her chest moving up and down in deep, calming breaths. I tried not to laugh, but the fact of the matter was she made me feel lighter, she made me feel like me. I won’t lie and say there wasn’t a part of me that felt guilty for being given that chance. For being blessed with more days to feel the things Palmer inflicted in me. Life wasn’t fair, and the dark part of me still battled to resurface. I knew there were most definitely rougher times ahead, especially those times when I found myself alone. But here and now, looking back at the gorgeous girl who had turned her body in the seat and was looking up at me, made me do nothing but smile.
A smile that felt foreign, but also so damn good.
***
I’d been driving for hours with only the sound of the radio to break the silence. Palmer had fallen asleep long ago and the sounds of her soft snore rang out and filled the space between songs or during the lower tones of the music.
Leaning over for the knob, I turned the music down and focused only on her. I chuckled at the rumble when she took in air, a grumbling sound that almost reminded me of a snorting pig. Then when she’d let out her breath, her lips made that small slapping sound, the same sound one would make when blowing raspberries against someone’s skin. It was annoying as shit, but also in the strangest way, soothing. The humor of it gave me something else to focus on and lately, I had needed every distraction I could find.