Steve None at all, providing you see to it that you are not in the crew’s way. (RANDALL nods his thanks and crosses to DOLORES. STANLEY exits.)
Randall That electrician relative of yours almost got us in a jam in this house. I thought you said he had a travelling card.
Dolores Why, darling, what’s wrong? We haven’t had trouble so far, and besides, I thought he had a card.
Randall Whether he is a relation of yours or not, I just had to make a change. He has managed to bluff his way through this last two weeks, but this time they called his bluff and that bluff is costing the act one hundred and fifteen dollars.
Dolores Why worry me about it? If you’re letting him out that’s all there is to it. We can’t afford two electricians though we should have them. You girls run up and get dressed. We must have a rehearsal of the new number.
Randall That is an indifferent attitude, and I don’t like it, any more than I like certain other things—
Dolores (Flippantly Interrupting) For instance? (Continues with rehearsal.)
Randall For instance, young Miss don’t-give-a-damn, why were you so anxious to take this particular engagement? I wanted to lay off and build the new numbers. But you insisted on taking this particu lar engagement. Just what was your object?
Dolores (Turning To Leader, Purposely Ignoring Randall) That’s right, professor, up to the last two bars; but from that point on—adagio with three repeats of those two bars and then with the tempo increasing for the finish.
Randall (Angrily And Impatiently Seizing Her By The Arm) What the hell is the idea of trying to evade and answer? (Severely.) Just why were you so anxious to play this engagement? That’s what I want to know.
Dolores (Flippantly) Just what am I supposed to say?
Randall You’ve kept your nose buried pretty close in the routing sheet of the “Billboard” and I want to know what the hell you were looking for in that route list. What kind of a fool do you think I am? I’m way ahead of you, and I give you fair warning: cut it out!
(TED ARNOLD enters and crosses to STANLEY.)
Dolores Say, what are you talking about?—Are you trying to pick a fight with me?—Just what are you driving at?
Randall You knew damn well that louse Terrill was on this bill.
(STANLEY crosses to STEVE with ARNOLD—they talk.)
Dolores He is?
Randall Yes—he is!
Dolores I didn’t know that.
Randall Oh, so you didn’t know that.
Dolores (Turning Angrily) However, I thought we had that out two weeks ago, and if you keep up this damned jealous imagination of yours, you’re going to have a new partner as far as I am concerned—
(Several GIRLS enter and begin practicing.)
Randall (Turns and crosses to McALLISTER.) Now you and your elec trician explain to Mr. Arnold, our electrician, exactly what you want.
(RANDALL shows ARNOLD what’s needed.)
(OTTO BROTHERS enter; talking in German—DOLORES turns her attention to rehearsal with LEADER—STANLEY crosses on stage business and there is a mutual recognition between him and the OTTO BROTHERS.)
Hermann (Surprised) Ach du lieber Gott! Fritz, choost look who vas diss!
Stanley Ah, the Otto brothers!
(They hug each other in genuine affection.)
Hermann Ach, how long iss it since I seen you, aindt it?
Stanley The Flying Dutchmen, Hermann, Fritz and Carl. I haven’t seen you since my Robinson Circus days.
Fritz Yah, yah, yah—das iss recht—dass iss ein, zwei, drei—ach, das iss seven years! Are you playin’ on der bill, Stanley?
Stanley I should say not. I own the theatre. I’m the property man of this theatre. No more fallin’ around and breaking my neck.
Hermann Pye Golly, Fritz, didn’t I always told you Stanley was alvays too smart for a dumb act?
Stanley Where’s the rest of the troupe? Ain’t Carl witcha no more?
Hermann Sure—Carl—he’s vidt us, only he aindt vid us—dot’s der trouble—vy ve can’t play diss date.
Stanley What do you mean yer can’t play this date? He’s witcha only he ain’t? Gee, yer billed here—yer gotta play it. Whatsa matter wit’ Carl?
Fritz Oh, he hast gefalien und busted by der collar-button—der wertabress.
Stanley What’s he mean?
Hermann No choost dots it. I vired by der house manatcher, und den I didn’t send dot vire. Ve came ofer tinkin’ maype ve could vork a routine by Fritz und me—Ach, Gott, maype Stanley—No I guess not.
Stanley (Anticipating Hermann’S Thought) Gee, I was tinkin’ de same thing.
Fritz Vot’s dot?
Stanley Are you still as sure of your holds as you used to be?
Hermann Yah, yah, I’m sure of my holds—almost—only shlip vunce in a vile. Vy choost look, Carl hass peen vorkin’ top on comedy shlip hold—You know vat he does Stan, you know you used to do dot. Und only two times I drop him in all dese years.
Arnold (To Randall) You really need three electricians to handle an act like this. Who handles the moon while I handle the olivettes?
Randall You won’t have to worry about that. The house man handles the switch. You’re working in unison off two spider-boxes and the moon has a mechanical riser.
(He demonstrates what he means.)
(STEVE crosses to STANLEY and OTTO BROTHERS and addresses himself to HERMANN.)
Steve Are you the acrobats?
Hermann Yah, yah, Herr direktor—but vun partner iss—er—iss—er.
Steve Well, you close the bill.
Stanley Hey Steve. Wait a minute—let him explain.
Fritz Herr, direktor, choost vat Hermann mean, iss choost like diss—
Hermann Dot’s not der vay it vas. Dot’s not der vay it vas.
Stanley Let Hermann tell it. He knows more than the two of you.
Hermann You see it was choost like diss. Carl he vass up dere, und it was shloppy und shlippery, und it vas so varm—und—er—und—er.
Stanley (Interrupts) He’s trying to tell yer Steve dat yer got no tumblin’ act. Unless they can get a routine put together for two people.
But if they do that, they got no comedy in the act. I know because I used to do the stuff that Carl was doin’, back in the old circus days with the Robinson show.
Steve Stan, we can hardly get an act here to take their place now. (To HERMANN.)
Why didn’t you let me know this?
Hermann Vy, vy—I made for you a telegram vire.
Steve I didn’t get your wire.
Hermann I know dot. I didn’t send dot vire. I come myself—choost because maype Fritz und me—somehow might be able to vork der date und—und—
Stanley Say, listen—have you any money? Hey, Steve, I’d like to help the boys out. I know all the stuff and with an hour’s practice I can be up in it. I got everything set on stage and so rather than get a new act in time for tonight, I can help them out—and if you like it, all right—if you don’t—it’s up to you—What d’ya say?
Hermann Ach Gott, Stanley, you do dot for me? Choost like oldt time. You know dot, Stan. You vas better den Carl anyvay!
Steve If you think you can do it, Stan, and the props of all the other acts are taken care of, it’ll be all right with me, but I hope you don’t break your foolish neck.
Stanley There’s nothin’ to it, Steve, it’s an easy pipe for this baby—
Hermann Yah, yah, dot vas chust like off der log fallin’ for Schtan.
Fritz He’s good.
Steve I hope his falling will be no harder than that. (Turns away then back to STANLEY.)
Say, Stan, who is this fellow Arnold, the electrician on the dancing act? He acts strange. Do you know him?
Stanley Sure I know him—he’s a pal of mine. He’s a crossword puzzle to most of the bunch at the Union. You see, he don’t say much. Seems to have something on his mind all the time. He comes from Boulder Creek—worked at nearly all the theatres in these parts, but
won’t take a steady job in any of them. He went to college and is an electrical engineer. He knows his stuff, Steve, and minds his own business. This is the first time we pulled him off the list—The Orpheum gets him every couple of weeks.
(ARNOLD getting cables and lamps in position for light rehearsals. DOLORES and the GIRLS dressed for rehearsal enter. RANDALL crosses to LEADER. Gives instruction on music tempo. OTTO BROTHERS and STANLEY talk in dumb show. RANDALL turns to girls.)
Randall Ready Dolores—Ready girls—come on snap into it—Position—Right from the beginning.
(Signals LEADER. Dance starts, continues with occasional directions from RANDALL.)
CURTAIN
ACT TWO
SCENEONE
(Double-deck dressing rooms and corridor leading to the stage. At rise of curtain, TERRILL discovered in his dressing room partly made up and rehearsing a song number before a mirror. To his entire satisfaction, he has a dauber in his one hand retouching his makeup during rehearsal. The other dressing rooms are unoccupied and dark. Applause and music heard Off stage. Enter through corridor from stage, four BOYS, in female attire. They are sent to their dressing rooms, an ad lib running conversation being carried on as they go up steps.)
Bunny Peaches dear, did you see that glorious Adonis directing traffic at Broad and Main Street?
Peaches Do you mean the one on the horse, dearie? You know that’s the statue of some General.
Bunny Oh, perhaps it’s General Coxey. They would direct anything around here dearie.
(Enter from dressing room, CHUCK and JOE.)
Joe What a mess you made of that step, you dumbbell. Here’s the way it goes.
(THEY rehearse the dance step.)
Chuck That fool step is too intrik-kate—
Joe (Abruptly Stopping) You tumbled all over it dis show—Boy, what a time I’m having making your feet and your brain work together.
Chuck I don’t wanta use me brain when I use me feet. Besides dat, I’m tired.
(Stops abruptly in his dancing.)
Dis step tires me too much.
Joe If you would cut out runnin’ around with the janes on the bill, a little dance step wouldn’t make you tired.
Chuck Why, yer told me that before and I’m gettin’ tired of you tellin’ me who I can go wit’.
(As JOE exits to his dressing room, CHUCK pauses at bottom of steps.)
(STANLEY enters from upstairs, comes down steps.)
Stanley Hello, Chuck.
Chuck Did yer ketch the show, Stan? What did yer think of it?
Stanley All right. Great.
(Continues walking back stage.)
Chuck (Calls Him) Say, Stan, have you noticed dis partner of mine?
Stanley Yeah—what about him?
Chuck That’s just it—I don’t get him—can’t figger him out.
Stanley What’s strange about him?
Chuck Dat’s what I been tryin’ to find out. Yer see, I only teamed up wit’ him two weeks ago. My old partner was bumped off in a auto wreck. So I gets this bird. Well, he’s been actin’ funny from the start. He don’t seem reg’lar to me. I’m beginnin’ to be suspicious.
Stanley Well, if you’re suspicious of him, he must do something odd.
Chuck He does. The first week he was wit’ me everything was ok, but the second week in his spare time, I found out he makes lampshades. Now that ain’t right. I wouldn’t mind if he got drunk or shot crap in his spare time—but makin’ lampshades—phooey—that’s all wet. Here he is now,—look him over—
(Enter JOE.)
Stanley (Looking Him Up And Down) I guess you’re right. Whoops!
(JOE turns quickly around.)I knew that’d get him.
Joe Did you call me?
Stanley Yeah—I understand you make lovely lampshades?
Joe Yes—want to buy one?
Stanley I’m quite interested.
Joe I’ve got a dozen of them finished—in all the latest colors.
Stanley I’ll get one for my boudoir.
Joe Lovely—I’ll bring some down tomorrow, and you can take your choice. Mr. Stanley’s your name, isn’t it? (Exits.)
Stanley (To Chuck) He’s all right—nearly. There’s no harm in lampshades. He’s just an aesthetic type.
Chuck Oh, yeah?—well maybe I was wrong about him. If he’s as you say, just an elastic type, why I guess I’ll have to overlook his funny actions.—But even so, I’m gonna keep my eye on him.
Stanley Yeah, you better watch him.
(During the last speech DOLORES and RANDALL enter their dressing room, switching on lights as they enter.)
Randall Well, I’m sorry, but that’s the way I feel about it, nevertheless.
Dolores If you don’t stop picking on me because I talked to Terrill last show, you and I are going to have a battle. I’m tired of being bullied all the time.
Randall Well, I’m not going to allow my wife to be so damn loose that she becomes the subject of questionable ridicule among stage-hands and the other actors on the bill.
Dolores Your insane jealousy runs away with you. I’m only trying to be courteous and congenial with other people on the bill. And since you’re picking on me about this monologue artist, I’m going to tell you this. I’m getting tired of the manner in which you maul Flo—and the numerous rehearsals you think you must have with her to perfect her dancing. Do you think that I’m such a fool I can’t see it’s only for the purpose of having her body close to yours in all its ‘ blonde nakedness? And the tenderness with which you caress her and pull her about…
Randall (Interrupts Her Angrily) Now stop that right where you are! Don’t try to cover up a guilty conscience with some pretended show of jealousy on your part. Let me tell you something, if you don’t want the beauty of this male milliner, Terrill, mussed up, don’t let me catch you talking to him again.
(During above conversation DOLORES and RANDALL are beginning their disrobing and laying out their make-up. TERRILL has crossed and been listening at the door. The HOOFERS have been dancing and stopping intermit tently to correct some dance steps. At the conclusion of RANDALL’S speech, there is a knock at the door. He opens it and discovers ARNOLD, the electrician.)
Arnold Mr. Randall, will you come out and give me the change in lighting instructions? Your man hasn’t shown up.
(RANDALL exits with ARNOLD. TERRILL listens as he hears the door close, gets note from dressing table, hurries to door and slips the note under it DOLORES jumps up, goes to door; gets note and reads it. During this business:)
Bunny (Speaks On Raps) Peaches, sweetheart, I think you’re cheating on me.
Peaches Oh, don’t be such a moll. How could I cheat on you?
Bunny Who burned the cigarette hole in your costume?
Peaches (While Peaches Speaks, Dolores’ And Randall’S Girls Enter. Chuck Stops Flo) Oh, damn it—after I pricked my fingers a thousand times in making the beautiful thing. Men are such uncouth things. It must have been that hoofer.
Bunny What were you doing with a hoofer? I thought you promised no mixing on the bill. You’re going to get in a hell of a jam some day.
Chuck Say kid, will you go to dinner with me?
Flo You better save it. You’ll need it tomorrow. (Goes up stairs with BOBBY.)
Chuck Gee, you’re a thoughtful kid. You look good to me—you look like a million dollars.
Flo (Stops On Balcony Looks Over) Yes—and just as hard to make.
Peaches O, I must tell you about it!
(Simultaneous with this conversation the GIRLS in DOLORES’ and RANDALL’S act come in three and then two—the hoofers try to flirt with the first three as they start upstairs to dressing room. The other two tarry a while with the hoofers, chat and giggle and then proceed up stairs and enter dressing room. DOLORES has finished reading her note for the third time, while she has disrobed and put on her makeup kimono. She kisses note and hides it among her effects. TERRILL goes to door and taps signal and DOLORES answers with two taps.
Following the two taps, TERRILL and DOLORES throw kiss to each other through the door. TERRILL continues throwing kisses until OTTO and STANLEY enter room—THEY pause inside, look at TER RILL.)
Stanley A blockhead throwin’ kisses to a wood-pile.
Otto (Grunts And Says) Verriickt! (Starts taking things off at dressing table.)
Terrill (Turns Haughtily Upon Two Intruders) Of course you wouldn’t understand, being so subnormally developed. I was just taking my last bow and throwing my salutations to my audience—a thing which must be very carefully rehearsed. I am an artist, and every move I make must be gauged for its psychological effect …That’s the reason I’m topping the bill here …
STANLEY
(Gives him razzberry with mouth noise—as he starts to disrobe.)
(TERRILL has turned admiringly to his looking-glass as he finishes his speech. He turns suddenly on STANLEY.)
Terrill A person of your mentality would do a thing like that. That’s one of the reasons you’re a dumb act.
Otto I’ll tank you nod to insinuation—Mr. Ter-er-Ter-er …
Stanley Mr. Terrible …
Terrill (Reaching Into Pocket—Produces Card, Hands It To Otto) My card.
Otto (Otto Looks At Card) Ach! Bad luck. Diss iss ace of spades. Himmel, somebody die maype, no?
(As TERRILL exchanges card for one of his name cards.)
Stanley Yes, he’s a lady-killer—
Terrill My real card—the jack of hearts.
(During conversation TERRILL turns to and from his mirror putting on finishing touches. The GIRLS are making up. One is stretching with her leg on make-up table. FLO persistently whistles snatches of song while making up, to the annoyance of the other GIRLS—The BOYS have been laughing and talking in dumb-show while donning their male attire and putting on street make-up. The HOOFERS have been in and out of their dressing room—Backstage across the corridor, stage-hands have been passing to and fro.)
Bobby (Complains Of Whistling. Stops In Stretching Exercise—To Flo) Say, listen, Flo, cut that whistling. I’ve got all the hard luck I want.
Flo The hardest luck you ever had is—you lost Rodney—and I got the dinner.
Three Plays by Mae West Page 16