(As STEVE abruptly turns and hurries Off stage, hoofers shrug their shoulders and start into dressing room. TERRILL strolls nonchalantly on from stage. PARADISE confronts him. THEY glare at each other. RANDALL who has been consoling and petting Dolores, after having finished his make-up, answers the door as ARNOLD knocks and is seen standing outside door with gelatins in his hand.)
Bradley Mr. Randall, some gelatins have just come for you.
Randall I’ll be right with you.
(Turns to DOLORES.)
Sweetheart, lie down and take a little rest. We have three-quarters of an hour, yet. And I’ll be busy with Arnold that long. Bill hasn’t shown up at all. (He embraces her affectionately and exits.)
Paradise Say you—(Crosses to Terrill.)
At last I’ve got you just where I want you. I always knew you were a rotter.
Terrill I suppose you told everything you think you know. (Contemptuous smile.)
You don’t think they’d believe you in preference to me.
Paradise Oh, they’ll believe me all right, in preference to you. I’ve taken care of that.
Terrill What are you trying to do? Blackmail me?
Paradise Now don’t call names and don’t try to scare me, for I don’t care—What I know, I know, and that’s that.
Terrill Well, let me tell you this—If I hear you have told anything I’ll beat your head off!
Paradise No, you won’t beat my head off because I’ve got it on you and if I open my mouth—why you haven’t got guts enough to hit anything but a poor, little, weak woman. Only a dirty louse would do the vile thing I know you’ve done and if you’re going to do any punching of my head, you better begin right now, but I know you’re nothing but a false alarm. And if you’re a man, thank God, I’m a female impersonator. Why, you yellow pup—you couldn’t even lick a lollypop!
Terrill Just a little bitch.
(PARADISE continues to dressing room. TERRILL pulls himself together and urriedly enters dressing room. In a braggadoccio manner he poses before OTTO and STANLEY.)
Terrill Boys, I tell you, it’s a gift—I had that audience in the palm of my hand—they laughed and cried right with me.
Stanley You mean right at you.
Terrill You see, they don’t get acts like mine in this house, often—with my ability and art, my style, my magnetism, my appearance. Why, you’d have thought those young flappers were going to jump up on the stage and kiss me.
Otto Yah, yah! Kiss you goot-pye!
Terrill (Taking A Handful Of Mash Notes From His Pocket) And as for mash notes—Listen to this one. And this is only one of thousands I get. Why look, a handful—a handful—just given to me as I came Off stage.
Stanley Yes—a handful of bologny!
Terrill (Reading Letter As Though He Hadn’T Been Interrupted) Listen and learn, “Adorable Man … I have been entranced and thrilled by the grandeur of your personality, poise and magnetism. For such a man the greatest sacrifice would be too small a price. You seem to be the affinity of my soul—my dream man“—The balance is too personal …I’ll read this one …
Stanley I don’t want to hear any of ‘em. I know ‘em by heart. I found one on de floor and stuck it in your mirror.
(TERRILL goes to his mirror and reads note.)
Paradise (Who Has Been Relating In Dumb Show The Details Of Business Downstairs) Yes, and I just laid him out stinkin’, the shopworn mess. I can’t see what a girl can see in a pushover like that. I felt like smacking his face. It takes me a long time to get started, but when I do, I fly higher than Lindbergh ever dared to, and I haven’t got a plane either. If I’d have stayed one minute longer, it would have taken him at least two weeks to dig the heels of my slippers out of his anatomy. The only thing he hasn’t made is one of the lions in front of the public library.
Bunny Oh, Paradise, sweetheart, don’t be so upset, you won’t be worth a thing for Toto’s party.
Maybelle I wish those Molls next door would cut out that bragging. I don’t know how you girls feel, but I feel all upset with that woman screaming and the excitement around here.
Jane Oh, do you feel that way too? Gee, it makes me think of home. There was always somebody screamin’ in our house.
Jewel Just ‘tend to your knittin’ kids, and be thankful it wasn’t some one in our act doin’ the screamin’.
Flo Oh, Jewel, you make me tired, they ought to call you Calamity Jane, you’re always carryin’ a wet blanket around with you.
(TERRILL, after reading over his note a couple of times, turns to STANLEY.)
Terrill What do you mean by reading my note?
Stanley I didn’t know it was your note. I only guessed that. It had no name on it. And when I read it, it was addressed to my beloved Adanoids—an’ I knew it wasn’t for me ‘cause I had mine cut out.
Terrill You’re with the right thing—a dumb act. It’s addressed to my “beloved Adonis“—Adonis was a Greek god …
Stanley Gee, I thought it was for you, ‘cause you remind me of a grease-ball. And when I got down to the second line and it says: “the glorious thrill you gave me, in our long, lingering kiss” … Den I knew it wasn’t fer me. … So I just stuck it on your mirror. I didn’t know which one of your flames it come from.
Terrill Did you say you found it… or some one give it to you. How did you get it?
(HOOFERS join MAYBELLE and JANE on Balcony. Dance steps.)
Stanley Oh, it was slid in under that door. Somebody was behind it pushin’ it. Maybe it was the old man Randall, I don’t know.
Terrill Oh, don’t be ridiculous. I know who it is. It’s Flo. I have so many of them. All the girls in that act are crazy about me. Flo must have been with Dolores and sneaked this in under the door.
Otto (To Terrill) Ach, you talk girls—piffle, piffle, piffle!
(To STANLEY.)
You want ve should rehoise dat last part again? Perfect makes practice. No?
(Opens door; looks out in corridor.)
Dere iss room oudt here—plendy!
(STANLEY and OTTO exit into corridor. As they do, TERRILL closes door; goes to door between rooms and listens, taps signal. DOLORES who switches off her light and stretches herself out for a rest on her couch. TERRILL leaves his room, watches rehearsal of OTTO and STANLEY for a moment or two and then exits into corridor leading to stage.)
Paradise I tell you, boys, I don’t know anymore than I’ve already told you, but I have a sneaking suspicion that Terrill has had something to do with some sort of a past that poor girl had suffered.
Bunny But, Paradise, weren’t you able to find out who the girl is?
Paradise No, and down here it may be God’s country, but I’m taking no chances on getting my hips in a sling by asking questions. I’ll get the dirt from Toto, but what I hear I’ll keep to myself, because I’m not going to get mixed up in any scandal.
(TERRILL enters DOLORES’ dressing room quickly; gives quick sign of caution to DOLORES—a furtive glance out the door up and down corridor—closes door, comes to DOLORES, embraces her, passionate kiss.)
Terrill Your note thrilled me so, sweetheart, I just had to come.
Dolores But he may come back any minute.
Terrill No. He’s busy with the new electrician, he won’t come back. You’re secondary to him, you know that. His act comes first and then you. But you’re everything to me—first, last and always. Ever since the first time I laid eyes on you, I’ve been mad about you. All I could do was eat, drink, sleep, think nothing but you.
Dolores Oh, you’re wonderful, marvelous—
Terrill I love you, I need you, I want you.
Dolores But not here, not now—I’ll try and see you tonight after the show.
(RANDALL enters, unseen by DOLORES and TERRILL.)
But please go—now.
Terrill I can’t, I can’t—To hold you in my arms, to kiss you, love you, to have you—oh, my marvelous, glorious—
(Wrapped in each other’s arms.)
Dolores You must go, you have gone crazy, and think nothing of my safety or of your own. Tom would kill you if he found you here. Go, I tell you. Go, for God’s sake go.
(As they struggle during her pleading with him to go, RANDALL petrified by what he looks upon. DOLORES sees him, screams and swoons. TERRILL looks quickly as RANDALL advances.)
Randall You dirty, sneaking skunk—
(RANDALL plants a blow on TERRILL’s jaw. THEY fight. RANDALL beats TERRILL and knocks him through the door between the dressing rooms. They fight until they are separated by STANLEY. OTTO and STEVE rush on and drag the two of them out into the corridor; where the GIRLS and PARADISE are looking on from the stairs and the balcony. RANDALL tries to tear himself loose, shouting.)
You rotten, lousy bastard—I’ll kill you as soon as I lay my hands on you—You goddamn son of a bitch!
QUICK CURTAIN
ACT THREE
SCENEONE
(The drawing room of TOTO’s apartment At rise of curtain, all the guests are dancing to a jazz orchestra. At the conclusion of the first number several new arrivals are announced by the master of affairs. As each enters, a few bars of music are played.)
First Boy I hear you’re working in a millinery shop.
Second Boy Yes, I trim rough sailors.
Third Boy My, what a low-cut gown you’ve got!
Fourth Boy Why, Beulah, a woman with a back like mine can be as low as she wants to be.
First Boy I hear you’re studying to be an opera singer.
Third Boy Oh, Yes, and I knows so many songs.
First Boy You must have a large repertoire.
Third Boy Must I have that, too?
Fourth Boy Oh, look, I can almost do the split.
Second Boy Be careful, dearie, you’ll wear out your welcome.
First Boy I’ve had so many operations since I last saw you, I’ve been cut up, so, I look like a slot machine.
Fourth Boy That’s nothing, I have a gash from here to here. (Illustrates.)
Stanley (Looking About) Hello fellers! Hello boys! Say, what a party this is—band and everything—some party!
Chuck (Looking The Place Over. To Stanley) Oh boy! What a swell dump this is!
Stanley (Crossing To Chuck) Don’t be calling this joint a dump! (All guests laugh and ad lib.)
Bill (Crossing From Lester To Stanley) Dey oughten’t ter have unions in this town. Dis is a capitalist joint. (Smelling the air.)
I smell whiskey.
(Howls from guests.)
Stanley Yeah, you’ve got a great nose for whiskey. It took more than just smelling it to put that shade of henna on your beezer. (Laughter.)
Toto (Coming Toward The Three Of Them) I’m so glad you came—I’m so glad you came.
Bill (Turning To Toto) Say, what kind of a party is dis? Where’s the giggle water?
Toto (Assuringly) Just rest your hips a moment. You’ll get yours.
(LESTER takes the arm of CHUCK and BILL and leads them toward the table with punch bowl. The noise of the guests increases as they mill about. TOTO and STANLEY chat. Enter TERRILL and DOLORES, laughing as though at some very funny story. They pause just inside of the door; still laughing. STANLEY seeing them, shouts in a kidding manner.)
Stanley Oh, the Pleasure Man is here—
(DOLORES turns toward him. TERRILL looks him over smilingly.)
Dolores Good evening, Stan.
Stanley Oh, hello, Miss Dolores. Where is your husband?
Terrill (Condescendingly Crossing To Stanley) Well, how is the Beau Brummell tonight?
Stanley (Imitating Terrill’S Manner) Oh, everything’s very Algonquin, very Algonquin. In fact it is quite the bologny. You are here ahead of me. I’d have got here sooner, but I stopped to see Ted Arnold. He’s the new man on the lights of the dancing act—his sister is pretty sick—poor kid—nice kid too. I tried to bring Ted with me, but he wouldn’t leave his sister alone.
Terrill (Taking Cigarette From Case, Looking At Stanley Searchingly As He Lights) Awfully sorry about his sister. I’ve heard she’s a nice little thing.
(Abruptly Turning To Dolores) Will you have a highball, Dolores? (Crosses to her and takes her arm.)
Dolores (Upset At Stanley’S Remark) No, I don’t think—
Terrill (Coaxingly) Oh, come on, join the spirit of the festivities, Dolores.
Dolores (Smiling Half-Heartedly, As Terrill Leads Her Toward Punch Bowl) Perhaps I will. I feel that I need something. I really don’t feel well at all.
Terrill (As They Cross) Oh, come on, Dolores. You just imagine it.
Stanley (Turning Toward Them) Imagine it? Say, can’t a lady feel sick if she wants to?
Chuck (Taking From Pocket A Bottle Of Gin) Where shall I put this gin? (Guests all laugh and ad lib.)
Bill (Leaving Crowd At Table—Half Lit—Crosses To Stanley Unsteadily) A few more o’ dem mint tulips an’ I won’t care for no unions. (Taking STANLEY by the elbow.)
C’mon, lemme squirt you a glassful.
(They cross to table. Ad lib from guests.)
Stanley (Looking About Room For Otto Brothers) Where’s the Otto Brothers? Ain’t they here yet? I guess they stopped off at Moe’s to get their pants pressed.
Lester (Crossing To Center Downstage) Why didn’t they tell me? I would have pressed their pants gorgeously—and gladly—(Laughter and ad lib.) (Looking off as OTTO BROTHERS are heard Off stage arguing in German.) The Otto Brothers have arrived.
(Enter OTTO BROTHERS to the strains of music from the jazz band. OTTO BROTHERS come down, arguing in German about the address. STANLEY crosses to them and greets them heartily. TOTO crosses and greets them. FRITZ gesticulating, hits him in face. TOTO screams. Guests ad lib.)
Stanley Hey, where have you been? We thought the tailor burned up your pants.
Hermann No—No—Ve vent by de wrong place—Fritz said dar number vas 102 und it was 201—
Fritz Dots not right—der number vas 201—you know dot—
Hermann (Pushing Fritz) Dat’s not right—you vas wrong—dot’s right.
Fritz I vas not wrong—dat’s right—you vas wrong.
(Laughter from guests.)
Stanley Don’t it say on the card?
Hermann Onde card ve don’t got.
Fritz Sure, it says on dat card.
Stanley Well?
Hermann But ve didn’t got dat card mit us.
Fritz Ve left it in der mirror-glass by der dressing room.
Stanley Take your hats off—this ain’t no coffee pot. (Ad lib and laughter. TOTO comes to them again.)
Fritz Have you got any good beer?
Toto Oceans of it—Go right over there and give your tonsils a treat.
(FRITZ lifts hat with both hands and whoops. They cross with STANLEY to table. Band strikes up a number.)
Lester Who is feeling gay enough to start the show? (Ad lib from all.) (Music supplemented by ad lib remarks and general noise made by the guests.)
(Bell is heard ringing—Several of the guests run to door—They come back excited.)
Peaches It’s Randall—He’s drunk and he’s looking for his wife—What shall I tell him? (TERRILL and DOLORES exit.)
Paradise Tell him she’s not here—Do you want him to come in and make an arena out of this place?
Lester Oh, let him in. There’ll be a grand fight—and all the gorgeous cops in town will be here.
Paradise Yes, you’d love that. The last time the wagon backed up you almost broke your legs slipping down the fire-escape.
(As Waltz strain dies, RANDALL enters slowly obviously drunk and in savage mood. Dancing couples are gradually aware of his presence as he moves in to center and they fall away to each side and music stops.)
Randall Where is she?
(No one answers.)
Where is she?
Bunny Your wife isn’t here, Mr. Randall. (Goes to him.)
Randall Don’t tell me she isn’t here—I know she is and I want her.
(Pushes BUNNY away.)
The Cobra (Guest In Drag) My God, isn’t he rough!
Randall My wife and Terrill left the theatre together and I have damn good reasons to believe they’re here.
Paradise Why act like that, Mr. Randall? You may be mistaken about your wife—why not give her a chance? None of us are perfect …We all make mistakes, you know.
Stanley (Crossing To Randall, Putting His Arm Around Him While Hermann Does Likewise At His Right) That’s right, Mr. Randall, you’re all wrong—your wife isn’t here.
Randall Is that right, Stan?
Stanley Of course.
Toto Why, Mr. Randall, you ought to be ashamed of yourself breaking into our party and frightening us all in this manner. It will take me three hours to relax—my heart is beating like a tom-tom.
Stanley Come on, Mr. Randall, we’ll put you into a taxi—Maybe your wife is back at the hotel waiting for you now.
Randall I’m sorry I interrupted your party—I apologize—I’ll go but I’ll get that rat—I’ll get him—if it’s the last thing I ever do.
(STANLEY, RANDALL and HERMANN exit, with RANDALL building up an ‘Til get him” exit.)
CURTAIN
SCENE TWO
(The same. At rise of curtain, STANLEY, TOTO, DOLORES and RANDALL. PARADISE, STEVE, CHIEF of POLICE with two ASSISTANT OFFICERS in plain clothes all onstage.)
Chief Mr. McALLISTER, the murdered man was a performer at your theatre, was he not?
Steve Yes—he was a headliner on the bill and frequently played this town.
Chief Was Rodney Terrill a man who had enemies in this town?
Steve Sir, he had enemies in every town he every played in. I don’t believe he had one true friend in this world.
Chief I see. Now was there to your knowledge, any performer on your bill who was particularly hostile to Terrill?
Steve He was disliked by all of them, Chief, with the probably exception of some of the girls. He had a great deal of charm for the ladies, Chief.
Chief Hmm. Was there any one person that you know of, who might have been glad to see him out of the way?
Steve (Hesitating) Well—he attempted to assault a woman in her dressing room, and was discovered by her husband, who gave him a sound thrashing.
Three Plays by Mae West Page 18