Astrosaurs Vs Cows In Action

by Steve Cole

  “It’s a fleapit,” said Bo. “They should install some disco lights and a pumping sound system.”

  “I’d sooner they added a dozen or so emergency exits,” said McMoo.

  A strong, familiar smell spread through the air.

  “What a whiff!” Teggs spluttered. “It’s worse than a mammoth’s armpits.”

  Gipsy covered her nose. “I’ve never smelled anything like it before.”

  “I have,” said Bo. “It’s like that horrible twenty-sixth-century tea you were swilling, Professor!”

  “Plurge!” McMoo agreed, licking his lips. “Yes, of course. Made with a special herb from the Amazon rainforest in Toro’s time, remember?”

  “And that herb is the key to our power!”

  Teggs, Gipsy, Bo and McMoo turned at the sound of the harsh, bragging voice. There, posing on the steps of the rocky stadium in front of a mini control room, stood Toro, in all his big-horned buffalo glory.

  But it was not Toro who had spoken. Standing beside him was a grisly sight: a bloated grey velociraptor with yellow eyes and rows of pointed teeth to match. He wore a blood-stained cloak with fangs sewn into the hem, and a crown carved from dinosaur bones.

  “I don’t believe it,” breathed Gipsy. “That’s … that’s …”

  “The Raptor Royal.” Teggs put his tail around Gipsy protectively. “Warrior King of Raptos. The strongest, most bloodthirsty carnivore ruler in space!”

  “A velociraptor,” McMoo mused. “Hmmm. I’m guessing they haven’t evolved into sweet, lovely creatures with a passion for pressing wild flowers?”

  Teggs shook his head. “They’re one of the cruellest, cleverest carnivore races of all. They’ve started dozens of wars and conquered untold planets.”

  Bo shivered. “If these raptor scumbags are helping Toro, no wonder he wasn’t bothered by their border patrol.”

  “Greetings, astrosaurs,” wheezed the revolting raptor. “Welcome, cattle. You were fools to think you could ssssurprise us.” He waved a claw at the control centre behind him. “I built thisss place myself. Its early warning ssssystem detected your approach – and its sssspace magnet drew you down here.”

  McMoo beamed. “Just in time for a friendly chat!”

  “Of course.” The Raptor Royal grinned grotesquely. “I like to get to know my food before I eat it.”

  Bo snorted. “I can tell you now, ugly – we’re not going to get on!”

  “Just tell us one thing, your revoltingness,” said Teggs. “Why in space are you helping that buffalo beside you, instead of eating him?”

  “He has given me the means to destroy the likes of you,” rasped the raptor.

  “Indeed I have,” said Toro smugly.

  “And we can see you’re dying to tell us about it,” said Gipsy. “So – how is some whiffy tea going to give you anything besides bad breath?”

  “That special herb is the key ingredient in my moo-tant transformation,” said Toro. “When boiled together with special chemicals, it gives me swift and precise powers to transform bodies and minds to whatever purpose I decide …”

  “Boiled?” McMoo frowned in concentration. “Then that yellow gas one of your C. rexes told us about was actually yellow steam …”

  “Yes, blabbing too much was one of the things we had to fix in the mark-one dinosaur moo-tants,” Toro admitted. “As time passes, they grow far too kind and gentle – too much like normal cows.”

  “Yes, us do!” piped up one of the C. rexes standing guard behind them. “Sorry, your bull-ness.”

  “Ssssilence, dolt!” roared the Raptor Royal. The C. rex cringed and fell silent.

  Toro glared at Teggs and Gipsy. “T-5 lured you to Planet Sixty to test a moo-tant in combat against you. That battle revealed other things that required improvement.”

  Teggs remembered, “The C. rex was a rubbish aim. He tried to whack me with the gun instead of firing it.”

  “Not only that, but his udder-acid was not powerful enough,” said Toro.

  “Ow!” said Bo, holding her own udder in sympathy.

  “We have made the mark-two moo-tants much more powerful,” Toro went on. “Sharper. More aggressive. And much, much hungrier.”

  “Huh,” said Gipsy. “As if carnivores needed bigger appetites.”

  “But they do,” rasped the Raptor Royal. “Because the new moo-tantssss will eat nothing but plantssss! Fernssss, grassssss, trees, bushes – they will devour them all …”

  Suddenly, Teggs groaned. “I just remembered! After our first battle with the moo-tant, Admiral Rosso told us that one thousand tons of long grass had been stolen from Mossmunch II.”

  Gipsy glared at the Raptor Royal. “That was down to you?”

  “Of course,” said Toro. “We had to develop our moo-tants’ appetites …”

  Bo was puzzled. “But if the moo-tants don’t want to eat other animals, that makes your army less dangerous … doesn’t it?”

  “Savagery alone is not the answer,” said Toro. “Not only will the new moo-tants invade the Vegetarian Sector with awesome power, they will eat every single plant they come across …”

  Teggs was appalled. “That means that as they spread through our side of space, all plant-eating dinos will starve to death!”

  “Exactly,” hissed the Raptor Royal. “Instead of fighting to the end, your kind will be forced to leave the Jurassic Quadrant just to feed themselves – so we meat-eaters can move in and take over your territory.”

  “That’s monstrous!” shouted Teggs. McMoo and Gipsy nodded angrily.

  Bo was so angry she shot a super-sized jet of milk from her udder at Toro. He ducked, and the milk splashed over the controls instead; they steamed and fizzled.

  The Raptor Royal hissed angrily. “Do that again, cow, and you will die at once.”

  “Why did you come so far to cause this carnage, Toro?” Gipsy demanded. “Just what exactly will the Raptor Royal do for you in return?”

  The Raptor Royal grinned and held up a round silver disc.

  The Cows In Action groaned loudly.

  “An F.B.I. time machine,” said McMoo. “You’re going to bring that monster back to Earth with you?”

  “Not alone. I shall attach time machines to a whole fleet of flying saucers.” Toro smiled, staring into the distance, imagining the chaos to come. “Soon, an army of carnivore dinosaurs, led by me, will travel back one million years through space and time to drop in on the prehistoric planet Earth. Early humans will feed my hungry, hunting hordes. Then the dinosaurs will depart and I shall take my rightful place as ruler of all cattle … We will build a cow civilization that will stretch around the globe. Humankind will never have existed – cows will rule the Earth!”

  “Except they won’t,” said the Raptor Royal gruffly. “Because we dinosaurs will not sssstop at eating humans. We will eat all other animals on Earth too – even COWS!”

  Toro whirled round to stare at him. “Huh?”

  “Earth was our planet, fool,” the Raptor Royal went on. “We will devour every living thing – what exotic ssssnacksss to enjoy! Not just in prehistoric times, but in all times …” With a swipe of his battle-scarred tail, he pushed Toro down the steps. The buffalo landed flat on his snout in the arena.

  Teggs hauled Toro back to his hooves. “You crazy idiot! You’ve handed the most ruthless meat-eating monster in the universe the secret of time travel and safe passage to Earth.”

  “Indeed he has.” Chuckling, the Raptor Royal carefully put down the time disc. “And now I shall hand you all over to the new, improved dinosaur moo-tantsss.”

  “More kidnapped T. rex miners?” sneered Gipsy.

  “Of course not! I only used those T. rexes because I did not wish to risk raptor warriors in an untested experiment.” The regal monster crossed to a control panel that had escaped Bo’s milk-attack. “Now the processss is perfected, we have mootated an entire army of prime raptors here in my underground labs! And what better time to test them out than right now
?”

  The Raptor Royal pressed a button, and a cavernous split opened up in the far wall of the arena. A wave of heat warmed the subterranean space, and stinking yellow steam floated out of the gap.

  The shuffle and stomp of heavy feet signalled the coming of at least fifty super-scary-looking raptors! Their scaly bodies were lumpy with muscles. Sharp horns curled out of their heads. Vast udders bulged from their bellies. Grass and hay spilled from their sharp jaws, and they clutched diabolical dairy-weapons in their claws. ZZAP! Ka-SQUELCH! The moo-tant raptors ruthlessly gunned down the C. rex guards with torrents of killer cream-cheese and yoghurt, then kept on coming …

  Toro sank to his knees at the sight of his creations coming to get him, while Teggs, Gipsy, Bo and McMoo huddled together as the creatures fanned out, advancing on their prey.

  Gipsy struck a dino-judo pose. “It looks like we’re going down.”

  “Yes, it does.” Teggs raised his spiky tail. “But let’s go down fighting.”

  “To the last breath, Captain.” Professor McMoo lowered his head, ready to lock horns with the monsters. “It’s been an honour to know you all.”

  “You said it, Prof!” Bo blew a gum bubble and shoved out her udder. “Now, if these creeps want a final battle, I say … BRING IT ON!”

  With an ear-splitting roar, the dinosaur moo-tants crowded forward to attack …

  Chapter Twelve

  THE BREW OF FREEDOM

  Suddenly, an enormous wave of blazing butter burst across the arena with ferocious force. It broke over the raptor moo-tants and drove them back, slipping and sliding, falling and squalling …

  Teggs blinked. “Where did all that butter come from?” Like McMoo, Bo and Gipsy, he turned in the direction of the blast – to see Pat and Iggy standing by the exit, each cradling an enormous smoking butter-bazooka!

  “Excuse me,” said Pat, beaming. “Are we in the right place for a last-minute rescue?”

  “What is thisss?” screeched the Raptor Royal. “Curse you, milk-cow. Your milk blew up my early warning ssssystem!”

  “Yay, me!” Bo cheered. “And, yay, Pat and Jiggy!”

  “Iggy beefed up the butter-bazookas,” Pat explained. The cow-dinos in the steaming sludge were starting to get up, so he fired another extreme stream in their direction. “Sixteen times the firepower!”

  “Fancy a closer look?” Iggy turned his own bazooka on the Raptor Royal and let rip with a whopping butter-barrage that swept the king off his clawed feet. The raptor’s crown fell off as he went sloshing over the steps, and he slid about desperately trying to grab it.

  “Fantastic work, Ig!” cheered Teggs. “You too, Pat!” He rushed over to join them in the mouth of the tunnel, Gipsy and Bo close behind him.

  “Wait for me,” said McMoo, forcing Toro ahead of him.

  Bo frowned. “What are you bothering with him for?”

  “Toro and those monsters deserve each other,” Iggy agreed.

  “He created the moo-tants,” McMoo reminded them. “We need him to help us un-create them.”

  “Never!” snarled Toro.

  “Really?” Teggs stretched out his tail and lifted the buffalo into the air. “Then maybe we should throw you back to those things?”

  Toro stared at the mass of scaly, scrabbling moo-tant monsters in the pool of yellow slime – and then his eyes rolled back into his head and he went limp in Teggs’s grip.

  “He fainted!” Bo groaned. “So much for the leader of the F.B.I.”

  Gipsy snorted. “What a mega-wuss!”

  Teggs turned to Iggy and Pat. “Is Arx minding the Sauropod?”

  “No, Alass is,” said Pat. “Arx is waiting outside. Sprite brought us all down in the shuttle.”

  “You’re DOWN your last five minutesss of life, you plant-gobbling guppies!” The Raptor Royal had reclaimed his crown, but it was dripping goo all down his face. “Up, dino moo-tantsss!” he raged. “Get up and crunch our enemies! Sssscrunch them!”

  Rallied by their raptor lord, the moo-tants got messily to their feet.

  “Quick,” said McMoo. “Give them another butter-blast!”

  “Er …” Iggy squeezed the trigger, but only a small splurge fell sizzling from the nozzle. “The only trouble with sixteen times the firepower is that you run out of butter sixteen times as quickly.”

  “You mean there’s no more ammo?” cried Bo in dismay.

  “Then it’s time to go,” said Teggs as the moo-tants began splashing towards them. “Come on!”

  The six friends ran for their lives through the dark, dank tunnels, Teggs dragging Toro behind him. The clatter of angry monster raptors echoed scarily behind them.

  Finally, they emerged into daylight, where the roar of the wild sea was almost drowned out by the throaty jets of the Sauropod’s Shuttle Alpha, high overhead. The cold air was salty and sharp.

  “Bracing, isn’t it?” said McMoo. “Great spot for a picnic – if it wasn’t for all the killer moo-tant monsters about the place.” He frowned when he saw Arx waiting for them with the big box of Plurge tea bags balanced on his horns. “Hey, big fella! Did you read my mind? A brew would be heaven right now.”

  “I’m afraid we can’t use them yet” said Arx. “Are there moo-tants close behind you?”

  “Too close!” Gipsy ran up and hugged him. “Oh, it’s good to see you, Arx!”

  “It certainly is,” Teggs agreed. “Now, let’s get out of here.”

  Arx shook his head. “We can’t, Captain. First, we have to lure those moo-tants into the sea” Balancing the box, he galloped over to the cliff edge, high above the stormy ocean. “We must all stand here, so that they charge straight at us”

  Teggs stared at him. “Have you gone space crazy, Arx?”

  “It’s the only way we can beat those things,” Pat insisted. He and Iggy dropped in the guns, picked up two enormous jars of pale liquid from beside the saucer, and went to stand beside Arx. “Trust us!”

  “That goes without saying,” McMoo murmured, following them to the precipice. Teggs nodded too, dragging Toro over to join the line.

  “What’s in the jars, boys?” asked Gipsy as she and Bo joined the crowd.

  But before she could get an answer, the dinosaur moo-tants burst out of the tunnel, shrieking and roaring – a seething bundle of buttery belligerence. Within seconds the monsters were racing towards the astrosaurs, udders bubbling, dairy-weapons dripping – an awe-inspiring mass of scaly, destructive doom.

  Bo put her hoof up in the air. “I have a question,” she said. “Now those nightmares are charging straight for us … what are we going to do?”

  “JUMP!” chorused Arx, Pat and Iggy. They turned and leaped off the ledge, landing in the frothing sea with a joint, colossal SPLASH. Their enormous jars quickly sank from sight, the contents washing away into the surrounding water.

  “It’s all right!” spluttered Arx. “The sea’s not too deep this close to shore …”

  Quickly, Teggs threw himself and Toro over the edge. SPLOSH!

  “Geronimoooooooo!” cried Bo, diving into the choppy blood-red ocean with Gipsy and Professor McMoo. SPLASH! SPLUSH! PLOP!

  Unable to stop their charge, the dinosaur moo-tants went blundering over the precipice, crashing into the waves like humongous missiles.

  “Incoming!” McMoo gargled, covering his head as monsters rained down around them.

  “Well done, all!” yelled Arx, watching Iggy and Pat scattering the tea bags from the box all around them.

  “Quickly, everyone,” Teggs spluttered, trying to keep Toro afloat as cow-dinos roared and thrashed in the water around them. “Get to shore!”

  “Good plan,” said McMoo, swimming while trying to hold his glasses in place. “Certainly a better plan than throwing away my lovely tea bags! I don’t know what you’re up to, Arx, but I could murder a cuppa.”

  “Sprite’s on the case, Professor,” Arx replied as Shuttle Alpha began to drop out of the sky. “Here he comes …”

 
“This had better work,” cried Pat, “or we’re sunk!”

  “In more ways than one,” Iggy agreed, paddling for his life.

  The shuttle hovered over the surface of the sea as though trying to land. Its jets flared and belched fire. The sea-water around them began to bubble.

  “Hey!” called Bo, ducking the swipe of a moo-tant’s claws. “It’s getting like a hot tub around here.”

  “A too-hot tub!” Teggs agreed as a familiar smell filled the air.

  “Ugh!” Gipsy tried to hold her nose while wading through the water. “That pondy pong is back.”

  “Hot fresh Plurge!” McMoo realized, helping Teggs drag Toro through the waves. “Pat, Arx, Iggy – you’re using the shuttle’s jets to turn the sea water into tea water!”

  “Right!” Pat agreed, splashing out of the hot, steamy stew. “I guessed that the magic ingredient in the moo-tant transformation was that Amazon herb with the special properties.”

  “It’s a wonder-herb, Professor,” said Arx, smiling in the surf. “When I added some warm tea-bag juice to that cure we concocted, it turned the C. rex back to normal. It works!”

  “And that cure was in the jars we were carrying,” Iggy explained, helping Bo out onto the rocky shore. “With any luck, now that we’ve mixed everything together and warmed it up nicely too—”

  “It’s happening!” Bo bellowed as the shuttle lifted off again, high into the sky. “The moo-tants are turning back to normal. You can see it happening as you watch!”

  It was true. The monsters were losing their horns, their tails and their big bulging udders, returning to their rotten raptor selves. The waves carried them along and crashed them down on the rocky beach.

  Teggs grinned. “Looks like the moo-tants are all washed up!”

  Gipsy still looked worried. “Er, raptors are still kind of dangerous …”

  “These ones won’t be,” Arx assured her. “A side effect of the cure is that the patient falls into a deep sleep.”

  “There you go!” McMoo beamed around at his friends. “Whenever you’ve got problems, a nice cup of tea will always help!”

  “It’ll take more than that to sort out the Raptor Boil,” said Bo, picking up a yoghurt cannon from the surf. “Royal, I mean … Like the right royal pasting I’m going to give him!”