This Old Heart of Mine

by A. J. Compton

  “You told me I was normal for being clueless and overwhelmed at this age. Now it’s my turn to say the same to you. I hate to break it to you, Huckleberry Finn, but you’re not special. Just a typical, lazy young man. That’s your silver lining in this messed up situation.”

  “Lazy?”

  I giggle at his expression and nod. “Yep.”

  “I’ll show you lazy.” Before I can see it coming, he swoops down and lifts me by the legs, tossing me over his shoulder. My new glossy hair swings down over my face, flying into my mouth with my wild laughter. I squirm and kick my legs, but Finn is too strong. I beat my fists on his back, but my blows don’t contain any power. His laughter mingles with mine and is absorbed by the stars.

  It’s a moment granted to us by two people I hope are in the sky above us now, laughing as they look down.

  I’m sure others on the ground are staring at the scene we’re making, casting their judgments. But they don’t know us; not like we know us.

  They don’t understand the hope in our eyes or the alchemy of our blood.

  They don’t know our truth. Our hearts. Our lives.

  Lives that we now have the freedom to live or waste.

  Once. Twice. Or as many damn times as we like.

  Two hours later, and I’m lost in the music and the moment.

  My eyes are closed, my hands raised in the air as I sway in time to the thumping beat. My heart thuds in time with it, letting the bass pulse through my bloodstream and rattle my bones.

  This evening has been a revelation. I thought you gained life through a healthy body. But now, I realize you also need a healthy soul. In this moment right here, music flowing through my veins, I’m alive in all ways.

  Finn cheers from behind me where he’s dancing with Gia. Unlike me, she’s a great dancer. But I don’t care at all. I’ve jumped and thrown my body around like a puppet being pulled by the guitar strings. I probably look like a disaster, but I have the biggest smile on my face.

  As the song ends, I’m reluctant to open my eyes. When I do, a cold shiver of unease creeps up my spine when I lock eyes with a thin, blond man standing several feet away behind a pillar. I rub my hands over my aching arms to dispel the sudden chill. The man is quick to break eye contact before retreating further into the crowd.

  Frowning, I glance back at Finn to see if he noticed that guy watching me, but he’s now busy dancing with a random girl. Well, if you can call that dancing. I’m pretty sure there’s another word for what they’re doing. Gia catches my eyes and smiles, motioning with her hand for a drink. I answer the question in her eyes with a nod.

  Turning back around, I search for the man again, but can’t see him anywhere. I shrug it off, not wanting anything to ruin my buzz. I still have the sensation of eyes on me as I walk toward the bar, though. My mom’s lessons on stranger danger have me in an almost-constant state of paranoia and anxiety. I’ve never been around this many people before, let alone strangers. I’m surprised at how much I’m enjoying it.

  “Are you having fun?” Gia asks as we prop up on the barstool.

  “Yes! This is amazing.”

  She beams. “I’m glad. What do you think of the band?”

  “They’re great. So talented.”

  “Aren’t they? Hot, too.” She twists on her stool and tries to catch a glimpse of her boyfriend, Justin, who I met briefly earlier. He seemed nice. “I don’t know why I bother. I’m so short.” We both laugh as the waiter comes over to take our order.

  “Boo! You’ve stuck to tap water all night. How are you able to have such a good time and be completely sober? I’m jealous.”

  I shift on my stool and shrug. “I don’t drink, so I guess I don’t know any other way to have fun than without alcohol.”

  “Ugh, you’re smart, too. Wait. You’ve never had alcohol? Ever?”

  I snort at her expression. “No. There’s not much opportunity to get drunk in a hospital.”

  “But not even the times you were out? You and Finn never snuck into your parents’ liquor cabinet? Or went to house parties with spiked punch?”

  “Um, no.”

  “Well, now you’re making me feel like I need to go to church and confess a few sins. You’re not even tempted to try it and take a sip?”

  She holds her vodka and tonic up to me. The harsh, anti-septic smell of alcohol stings my nose and reminds me of the hospital. “No, thanks. Alcohol is at the top of the list of things I’m supposed to avoid in order to give the transplant the best chance of success. Technically, I can have it, just in moderation. But I’d rather not start at all, you know? Why break the habit of a lifetime?”

  “Oh, no. I’m so sorry, Ava. I never would have offered if I knew—”

  “Gia, relax. It’s fine. Even if I could have as much alcohol as I wanted, I know I wouldn’t be a big drinker. It just doesn’t appeal to me. But live and let live.”

  “Ugh. My parents will be so fricking happy.”

  “Your parents? Why?”

  “Because I’m finally friends with a smart, sensible girl. Their prayers have been answered. I can tell you’re going to be a good influence on me.”

  I grin. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I have a feeling you’re going to be a bad influence on me, in a good way.” I look around the dancing crowd. I’ve known Gia less than twenty-four hours and she’s already taken me further outside my comfort zone than I’ve been in twenty-two years.

  “Hell yeah, I will be! I’ve finally found the yin to my yang.”

  I warm at her words. “Plus, not drinking alcohol means I can be the designated driver, when I learn to drive.”

  She smiles around her straw and lifts her little finger toward me. I loop mine through it. “Deal.”

  Still a bit unsettled, I jump when hands land on my shoulder. Twisting my head back, I relax when I see Finn. “Hey, how’s it going?” He takes the water from my hand and gulps it down in one go.

  “Please, help yourself,” I say in a dry tone.

  He smirks and kisses the top of my head, placing the empty glass on the bar. “Thanks.”

  Gia watches our interaction. I tried to explain our relationship to her earlier, but she didn’t understand the concept of men and women just being friends. Instead, she asked if I had an eye transplant as well as a heart transplant, because of how attractive Finn was, which made me laugh. Their sense of humor is so similar it’s crazy. They’ve been trading jokes and quick insults all night.

  “Okay. I’m going back out there. You coming?” Finn massages my shoulders.

  “Yes,” Gia and I say in unison.

  Gia finishes her drink, and we slide off the stools. Holding hands in a chain, we all head back out into the crowd.

  The rest of the evening is spent living our hearts and lungs out, dancing the night all the way into the dawn.

  Even though I’m exhausted, I’ve never been happier.

  I’ve just finished my first week at my first job, and I can barely believe how amazing my life is now.

  Waving good-bye to Jen at the front desk, I resist the urge to skip out of the office. I think I’ve worn a permanent smile since I received the call two weeks ago from my new boss, Alice, telling me I was hired.

  My new role as a Fundraising Assistant for The United States Transplant Foundation is a dream come true. Not only am I gaining more financial and emotional independence, but I’m able to give back and help others to have a chance at life, which means so much to me.

  Walking home, I have a smile for everyone I pass on the sidewalk, even the miserable ones. Especially the miserable ones. My mom always told me that you never know what people are going through; a smile could save a life.

  I race up the steps of my apartment, eager to share my day with Finn. His job as a freelance web designer means he works from home most days. Sometimes he goes into the offices of whoever has contracted his services, which is how he met his other friends. He’s so talented, and the fact he’s self-taught makes me even p
rouder.

  “Honey, I’m home,” I joke as my key turns in the lock.

  “Surprise!”

  Placing a hand over my racing heart, my smile widens. “You guys. What’s all of this?” I ask, looking at all the food and objects littering our living room. My eyes drift up to a banner that reads “CONGRATULATIONS, AVA!”

  “What does it look like?” Gia asks. “We’re throwing you a party to celebrate your first week as a working girl.” I ignore the innuendo, knowing Gia can’t help herself.

  “We’re so proud of you, doll face,” Finn says walking up to me and bringing me into a hug. I squeal and start to laugh when he swings me around. My purse drops to the floor and something breaks, but I’m too touched to care. Material things can be replaced, but friends and moments like these can’t.

  “Thank you so much. This means everything to me,” I say when Finn puts me back down. The room sways in front of my eyes. “What’s with all this food? Are we expecting other people?” I ask when I’ve recovered my balance.

  “No, it’s just the three of us. Your mom and Aidan are taking us all out to dinner tomorrow,” Finn tells me.

  “They are? She hasn’t called me yet.” I pull out my phone and frown.

  “She said she’d call you later.”

  “When did you speak to her?”

  “This morning. I had to fight her for today. She wanted to do dinner this evening, but we figured that after eating this spread, you wouldn’t feel up to a three-course meal.”

  “You’d be right. You know I love my food as much as the next girl, but I can’t eat all of this.”

  “We knew you’d say that,” Gia says, hugging me. “But I think you’re forgetting Finley is like a human trash can.” My best friend smiles at the insult as if it’s a compliment. I love the friendship Gia and Finn have built up since they met two months ago. “He’ll eat anything we don’t.”

  “Good point.” I relax, but some unease remains. “If there’s anything left over though, can we drop it off at the homeless shelter on Mayberry? There’s more than enough here.”

  I frown at Finn and Gia’s knowing smiles. “What?”

  Finn kisses my head. “Nothing. That’s a great idea. Speaking of great ideas, we should explain ours.”

  I glance between their smug expressions. “The two of you plotting together is a dangerous thing.”

  Finn chuckles. “Ordinarily, I’d agree, but I think you’ll like this.”

  “Like what?”

  “This isn’t just a party to celebrate your new job.”

  I look up at the banner then back at Gia. “It’s not?”

  “Nope, it’s also a taste ‘n’ try party,” she says.

  “A what? I love you both, but what the hell are you talking about?”

  After squabbling like children over who should explain, Finn wins. “Remember when you tried pizza for the first time a few months ago?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, there are so many other things you haven’t tried. Me, too. So we thought it was time we corrected that. How can we live life to the fullest if we don’t know what we’re missing out on? How can we decide who we are when we don’t know what we like and dislike? That’s where all this stuff comes in.” He extends his arm and waves it around the room.

  It all begins to make sense. My frown spreads into a face-splitting smile. “We’re going to try all of this? Just because?”

  He grins. “Yep. Obviously, it’s not everything we’ve missed out on, not even close, but it’s a start. Over here is the food and drink station. In my room is the music and TV zone. And in your room is a huge pile of girly stuff that Gia’s going to go through with you so you can work out the things you like. Needless to say, I’ll be sitting that part out.”

  “You mean you don’t want to choose which nail polish colors you like best, Finley?” Gia teases him.

  “No.”

  “You sure? I think a sparkly green would work well with your skin tone.” His eyes narrow at her, making us both laugh. She lifts her palms. “Okay, your loss. You know where we’ll be if you change your mind. I have a Berry Kiss lipstick with your name on it.”

  She cackles and runs into the kitchen when he throws a cushion from the couch at her.

  “You guys, I can’t believe you did all of this for me. It’s so thoughtful. So—” I choke on the rising water.

  “Come here.” I rush into Finn’s open arms and hug him tight, hoping he can feel my gratitude. “Stop being a sap. The ice cream is melting.”

  That stops my tears in their tracks. Leaning back, I sniff. “Ice cream?”

  He laughs. “If I knew that’s all it took to stop you crying, I’d have filled this apartment with ice cream a long time ago.”

  “Shut up.” I pause. “What kind of ice cream?”

  “We have ten different flavors for us to try.”

  I gasp. “Ten?”

  He laughs at the wonder in my voice. “Oh, this is going to be so much fun.”

  He was right. It wasn’t just fun, it was incredible. I lie comatose on the couch, staring up at the ceiling as I rub my balloon of a stomach. After my third slice of pizza, each triangle with a different topping, I had to admit defeat and change into my baggiest top and loosest sweatpants. My other hand hangs off the side of the couch, each fingernail painted in a different color. I don’t even want to imagine what my face looks like after testing out so many different makeup items.

  This evening has been eye-opening. I now know that I’m obsessed with Rocky Road ice cream, but am not a fan of Mint Chocolate Chip. I’ve found out that bright colors work well with my skin tone, while pastel shades wash me out. And I’ve discovered that I enjoy ketchup and barbeque sauce on my French fries, but can’t stand mayonnaise. These things may be small to others, but to me, they’re huge. I have a much clearer sense of who I am. And who I’m not.

  To my left, Finn lets out the groan of a dying animal. With great effort, I turn my head to see him lying on the floor in a similar position to me. Gia is curled up on the couch opposite, suffering just as much.

  “So, so bad. But so, so good,” she murmurs, echoing all of our thoughts.

  “You doing okay over there, Ave?” Finn asks.

  I struggle to lift my arm and give him the thumbs up.

  “How can you be in both heaven and hell at the same time?” I ask the room. No one has an answer for me.

  “That was…” Gia trails off.

  “Yeah,” Finn and I answer at the same time, sighing.

  “I’m going to have to be rolled out of here.”

  “Stay the night,” I offer.

  “Thanks, Bambi. Not sure I could move without exploding.”

  “Like that girl in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. What’s her name?” I ask.

  “Verruca Salt,” Finn answers with a snort.

  It’s a big effort to shake my head. “No, I think it was Violet Beauregarde. The one who chewed gum.”

  At the image of Gia exploding like a berry, spluttering laughter escapes my painted lips. My amusement sets the others off, and soon all of us are in hysterics over our predicament.

  “Ow, it hurts. Stop making me laugh,” I cry out.

  “You’re the one who started it,” Finn says.

  “No, you guys started it with the taste ‘n’ try party. Thank you so much. Even though I’m paying for it now, I’ve had such a good time. Tonight will stay with me forever.”

  “You’re welcome,” Finn says. “You deserve to have lots of different experiences and adventures.”

  “So do you,” I tell him in a quiet voice.

  We all soak up the silence that follows my words.

  “Hey, Violet? You still alive?” Finn asks after a while.

  Gia opens her eyes and glares daggers at him. “Don’t you dare try and make that a thing, Finley. I will roll over there and suffocate you with my giant stomach.”

  “There are worse ways to go than underneath a woman.”

/>   Finn’s joke launches another round of pained laughter across the room.

  “Stop,” I plead, clutching my stomach in agony. “You’re killing me. I thought you guys were supposed to be helping me live.”

  “Sorry, Bambi,” Gia says. “I’m too busy dying myself. Death by food.”

  I snort. “At least I know what I want on my gravestone now.”

  “What?” Finn asks, his voice becoming soft and serious.

  “Here lies Ava Malone: She lived twice, and tried everything once.”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  My eyes travel around my apartment full of friendship and food. I smile. “It’s becoming a reality.”

  My muscles burn. My body aches. My gasping lungs struggle for air.

  Instead of stopping, I just smile. And keep running.

  It’s been over a year since my transplant and I’m still adjusting to having a body that works. My new daily jogs mean a lot to me because I was never able to exercise.

  I increase my pace when the music playing in my ear changes to an upbeat song. I nod and smile at another early morning jogger as we pass each other. There aren’t many people in the park at this time, so without distractions, I allow myself a moment to reflect on my journey over the past twelve months.

  The first year is the most dangerous for transplant recipients. The risk of organ rejection or catching infections is high. Finn and my mom threw me a party last month to celebrate the milestone. One year since I was almost dead. One year of being truly alive.

  But even though I’m out of the danger zone, I’m not out of the woods. I’ll be on daily medication and a super healthy diet for the rest of my life. Even then, most transplant recipients don’t survive longer than thirteen years post-operation. Just last week, I saw on the news that the oldest living heart transplant recipient had died, thirty-three years after his operation, which made me both hopeful and sad. I try not to think too often about losing the life I’ve only just received. Instead, I focus on living it while I can.

  Reaching the bottom of a hill, I start to slow my pace, recognizing my limits. My local park is special at this time of the morning. Most of the city is just beginning to stir from sleep, making this space calm and tranquil. I take a minute to look at the beauty of my surroundings and breathe in a lungful of crisp air.