“You know what the worst part is?” I ask absently.
“What?”
“That had he just talked to me, told me what he was feeling, we could’ve tried. Instead, he closed himself off. He was having nightmares and still wouldn’t open up to me. I would’ve given whatever he needed to get his head straight. I thought the pain of his past was starting to ebb.”
“You think this is about his past?”
I purse my lips, considering that. “I don’t know. Maybe not. Maybe this new loss just pushed him over the edge.”
She reaches out and takes my hand. “The Parkersons aren’t exactly known for their exceptional skills in communication. Look at what happened when Grayson found out about his dad and his ex. He lashed out, pushed me away, and I almost died.”
“I’d like that not to be the case here.”
“It’s why I’m at your house to make sure of it,” she says with a soft smile. “My point is that these guys were taught to hide their pain at all costs and never show weakness. They do that by letting it all build up until they break.”
“It’s not an excuse.”
She shakes her head. “No, it’s not. It’s not okay, and it’s not healthy, but it’s the reason behind it. I’m not saying to accept that behavior, but you should know where it’s coming from. I loved the saying that anger is the outward expression of sadness. Dr. Warvel tried to explain to me that I was angry because I was so sad after the plane crash. I just didn’t know how to feel the sadness because it was too much.”
“You think he’s sad?”
She nods. “I think he’s devastated. I think he loved that baby you were going to have every bit as you did. He loves you, and he doesn’t know how to handle that. I think he’s also afraid. Stella told Grayson and I about the girl in New Orleans.”
I jerk my head up at that. “She did?”
“I know she probably wasn’t supposed to, but she had to tell his siblings so they could do whatever to help. My point is that he is still struggling with how he felt about her and that baby’s death and now this. It’s a lot easier to be angry than it is to be sad, but until he deals with that, really deals with it, I don’t know that he’s going to get his shit straight.”
I lean my head on Jess’s shoulder and sigh. “I love him.”
“I know.”
“I think he loves me too.”
“I think he does too.”
“But I can’t watch him fall apart and live in this place where he’s convinced that because he loves me, I’m going to die.”
Jess squeezes my hand. “I know.”
And then the tears come because the reality is . . . I can’t help the man I love and get myself through this right now.
I upheld my part of the bargain with Josh, not that I felt I owed it to him, but I waited the length of time he asked me to, and today is going to be my first day back to work. I’ve spoken with Ronyelle, who I think is even more strict about what I’m allowed to do than Josh was.
She’s set up my office so I can be comfortable, and everyone on the floor has been made aware that they are to come to me if they need anything. I’m not allowed to get up unless the building is on fire. Even then, I think she assigned people to come carry me from the building.
I head inside, waving to everyone as I pass, and enter my office to find Ronyelle already waiting.
“Are you feeling okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“Yes, but you walked a lot.”
My eyes narrow. “I walked from the parking lot. It wasn’t a lot.”
“I don’t like this.”
“Like what?” I ask.
“You being out of the house.”
“Well, unless you want me to go crazy being trapped in a house, staring at all the things that Josh left, you won’t fight me and you’ll be understanding.”
“I can be understanding without liking the situation. Speaking of that man, have you heard from him?”
I sigh. “He’s called or texted me each day. I just haven’t replied. He knows I’m fine because his siblings keep stopping by.”
“Oh?”
“Jess came, then Stella was yesterday.”
“And you don’t want to talk to him?”
I want to talk to him more than anything. I miss him so much it freaking hurts, but I can’t cave in and leave my heart exposed more than it is. We should be dealing with our grief as a couple, but we’re not. I’m doing it on my own, and if I’m going to be a single mother, I should get used to it.
“What’s the point?” I say with defeat. “Unless he suddenly got his ten years’ worth of baggage under control, we’re at the same point.”
She gives me a sad smile. “I was really rooting for you guys.”
“Me too.”
“I think he loves you.”
“Well, he sucks at showing it.”
Ronyelle shifts her weight and chews on her lower lip.
“Say it,” I encourage. We both know she’s going to anyway.
“All right. I don’t know what his deal is, but I do know you. You aren’t a quitter. You fight for the people you love, and I’m going out on a limb saying that whatever the eldest Parkerson’s issue is, it’s not you. There’s clearly something he needs to resolve, and, well, I can’t think of anyone more capable of making him want it than you.”
“That may be, but Josh has to want me more than his regret, and until that happens, we’re never going to be together.”
“I hope it changes.” Ronyelle’s soft voice trembles.
“Me too.”
More than anyone will ever know.
Chapter 41
Joshua
“Just do what I say, Oliver!” I snap.
Oliver turns slowly, and the calm façade is a precursor to him unleashing his inner rage.
“I’m going to wait for the apology I deserve.”
I close my eyes, wanting to fight him. It would be so much easier if he would’ve just punched me.
“Anytime, Josh,” Oliver prompts.
“I’m . . . I’m . . .”
“Sorry. That’s the word you’re looking for, asshole.”
“Sorry,” I finish.
“You need to get your shit straight, brother. You’re a damn mess, and I’m the only one who isn’t ready to beat your ass.”
“Why is that?”
Oliver puts the papers down. “Because I’ve been where you are. I loved a girl so much that I was ready to marry her, and I lost her.”
He was so sure that Devney was the one for him. He had it all mapped out, and then she realized she was in love with her best friend. Oliver was fucking wrecked. I was able to convince our dad to get someone else to run the Pennsylvania bed and breakfast and send him to Wyoming. It was the only thing that kept him afloat.
“So, you pity me?”
“No, I just have been at that low spot you’re currently sinking in.”
“She won’t respond to my texts or calls.”
Oliver laughs. “Would you?”
I’d like to think I would. Today was her first day back to work, and I’m worried about her. She has a doctor’s appointment in a few days.
“If I knew she was worried, I would.”
He slaps me in the back of the head. “Of course, she knows you’re worried. She is also pissed. For what you did, you deserve to have her cut your balls off.”
“That’s a bit harsh. I was upset and reacted poorly.”
Oliver widens his eyes and blinks a few times. “I swear to God, you ate lead paint or drank out of a few too many hoses when we were kids. Poorly? Dude, you passed poorly seven days ago. You’re now in the shit.”
“And you’re so damn perfect?”
“Hell no, I’m not. I have commitment issues and a broken heart, but I’ve accepted this. What I won’t do is fall in love, get the girl, get her pregnant, and then leave her at the first sign of issues. I don’t get you, Josh.”
He sees what he wants
and doesn’t understand that it’s not that simple. Things never are, and while a part of me wants to yell at him, explain that he’s missing the entire point, it won’t matter. I won’t sway him or get him to see my side.
“No, you don’t, and I pray to God you never do.”
And with that, I walk away and dial her number again.
“You look like you could use a friend.” Jack’s voice causes me to lift my head.
“Wow, it must be really bad.”
“Why is that?”
“My sister sent you.”
Jack laughs and hands me a beer. “She was a little irrational. I volunteered.”
I sit back in the lawn chair outside of what was Alex’s RV but is now mine. “Lucky you.”
“I think it’s more like lucky you. If Stella were here, she would be bashing you over the head with a bottle.”
He’s not wrong. “I probably deserve it.”
“You definitely do.”
I let out a long sigh. “I keep wondering what exactly is going on. I’ve been staring out at the woods, waiting for a fucking answer.”
“Don’t tell Stella that. She seems to think all that’s out there are weird hybrid bears.”
“What?”
He chuckles. “Nothing. Look, I spent years out there, trying to find answers, and it turns out what I’d been looking for was in town the whole time.”
“Stella?”
He nods. “It was always her.”
“It’s always been Delia.”
Jack drinks from the bottle and then puts it down. “If she’s the answer, why the hell are you out here searching for anything? You know where she is.”
Yes, but it’s been three days of radio silence. I’ve called, texted, and even drove to her work today. I didn’t go in, but I stopped two of her co-workers in the parking lot and asked if she was doing okay. I wanted to go to her, beg her to help me, love me, fix me because I’m clearly a goddamn mess, but I won’t. She is already dealing with too much, she doesn’t need me dumping my baggage at her door.
“I fucked up.”
“Is it not fixable?”
I shrug. “I don’t know if it is.”
He bobs his head. “I see. You know, I might just agree with your sister on knocking you upside the head.”
At this point, I might do it myself. “I wish it were that simple, Jack.”
“You think life is supposed to be simple?”
“I know more than anyone that it’s not.”
Jack’s breath comes through his nose. “Dude, you don’t know shit. I lost my mother, and then my father checked out. Your family was my only lifeline and, yeah, Mitchell is an asshole, but he was there. Your mother might have been burying her head in the sand about him, but she was breathing. You had four siblings who were always there. What did I have? Grayson and, by default, you all were my friends.”
“It wasn’t as easy as that,” I tell him.
“No, you didn’t have it easy, but it wasn’t the worst life ever. Then you got to leave and move on with life. I was here, dealing with my choices and having to pretend I didn’t love your sister. You don’t have to do that. You chose that. Just like you’re choosing this.”
That fucking word again. Choosing. As though I want any of this. I didn’t choose to lose our baby girl. I didn’t choose to watch Morgan drown. I didn’t choose to destroy the people and things I love most in life.
“If you think this is what I want, then you should leave before I hit you with this bottle.”
“When we had to give Kinsley back to Samuel, it was literally the worst goddamn thing I’ve ever been through. A million times harder than when she was an infant. I didn’t love her then. I didn’t know her. Then we had her, and God, you see her, she’s amazing. She’s so much like her mother, and I couldn’t keep her. I was breaking from the inside out, and the only thing that kept me together was Stella.”
I look down, hating his words. “I’m what’s breaking Delia.”
“No, you weren’t.”
My eyes lift. “But I am now?”
“I can’t answer that.”
He doesn’t have to. I already know whatever pain she’s in now is because I’m a fucking asshole.
“I love her, but I keep thinking that it comes with a cost.”
“Nothing in life is free, and love is no different. There are days when you’re in the deficit and others where there’s a surplus. You have to decide to love even stronger on those days when it feels like you can’t fucking breathe because it’s so hard to remember the good days and let that hold you over.”
“Accounting love advice?”
Jack shrugs. “You get the point.”
“I do. I’m a fucking idiot.”
“You were scared.”
“More than that, man, I was terrified.”
“Fear is normal in love. Look at me and Grayson. We were afraid for a long time, but we chose not to live it anymore. I don’t know if the fear will ever totally go away, but I know I’d rather be afraid loving her than without her.”
It’s as though he took the words straight from my heart. “I don’t want to live without her.”
“Then you have ten minutes to figure out what you need to do to fix it. Otherwise, I really will hit you over the head with the bottle.”
“I have to go.”
Jack gets up and smirks. “Me too, brother.”
As soon as he’s gone, I get to work. I don’t need ten minutes to figure it out. I know that I need to grovel, beg, and refuse to give up. I quit on her, and I deserve to stand outside her door for days if that’s what she requires. Whatever it takes to prove to her that I do choose her.
On the ride to her house, I start to make a plan, not a good one, but it’s at least a start. First thing is to get her to talk to me. Since it’s been radio silence since I left, that may be a bigger obstacle than I think.
After I get her to talk to me, I have to convince her that I’m worthy again.
When I get to her door, nerves hit me, but I focus on my goal—prove I love her. Show her that she’s all that matters and I’ll do anything. Life without Delia isn’t worth living.
I ring the doorbell, but instead of opening it, her voice comes through. “What do you want, Josh?”
Maybe installing the additional cameras and stuff wasn’t a great idea. Still, this is going to be opening myself bare to her. The answer to her question is simple. “You.”
She sighs. “I’m tired, and I have to work tomorrow. Please just give me time to get over this.”
“I don’t want you to get over this,” I tell her, my hands braced on each side of the doorbell thing. “I want us. I want you. I want it all.”
“You had it.”
“And I threw it away.”
“Yeah, you kinda did,” Delia says, and I wish I could see her.
“Please let me talk.”
I’m not really sure what the hell to say, but I want to look into her brown eyes and gauge something.
“Talk. I’m listening.”
“Deals—”
“No, if you want to talk, then you can do it through the camera because I’ve learned that I’m weak when it comes to you. I let myself hear only what I want because it’s so much better that way. Joshua Parkerson finally in love with the ugly duckling that was Delia Andrews.” She laughs. “What a crock of shit that was. I’ve been so blinded by love that I’ve ignored the signs.”
“What signs?” I ask.
“The one that said you never wanted this or me. You wanted sex, and you got that. I wanted your fucking heart, and I never got it, even when you told me it was mine. I got this sliver, and I convinced myself it was good enough, but it wasn’t. I should’ve had it all.”
“You do,” I tell her, hating that she feels that way. “You are the only woman who has ever had it.”
“Don’t lie to me, Josh.”
I have to do something quickly before she decides to stop talking.
“I have been telling myself that, if I just gave you time, you’d come around. I bargained that you weren’t just here for the babies. It was me too that you wanted.”
I cut her off. “It is you.”
“You don’t leave the person you love to be alone as they struggle through the loss of a child by herself. You stand by her, and you left me.”
My head drops down, and I hate myself even more. “You weren’t alone. I was here, but I was so stupid and afraid that I was going to lose you. That you’d die because of me. Please, baby, come to the door. Let me try to make this right.” She goes silent for a second, but the red light is still on. I know she’s watching and listening. “We may not have started the way most do, but there was nothing about what I feel for you that is a lie. I have loved you for so damn long, Delia Andrews, and if I thought, even for one second, that I was worthy of you, I would propose now, but I’m not. I’m not good enough, not yet, but I promise, I’m going to try to be.”
The lock clicks and then the door opens. She’s so beautiful. Her long blonde hair is in a braid hanging over her shoulder. She’s wearing a pair of shorts, and her hand rests on her swollen belly.
“How?” It’s the only word she utters.
I lock my muscles, holding my arms at my sides to keep from reaching out for her. “By proving that I won’t leave. I’ll stand outside your door until you’re ready to let me in.”
She glares at me. “Really? You’ll stay out here, in the freezing cold, just to prove you love me?”
“I’ll do anything to win you back. I don’t plan to walk away, Delia. See,” I say as I point to the RV that’s hitched to my truck. “I’ll be right here, whenever you need me. I know I hurt you and broke your trust. I know that I don’t deserve another chance, but I’m begging you for one.”
She leans against the doorframe, chewing on her lip. “You’re really willing to sleep in that thing outside my house?”
“I really am.”
“Good. I’ll see you in the morning.” She closes the door and locks it, and now I’ll show her I mean it.
Chapter 42
A Moment for Us Page 25