by Sarah Bailey
How had we come to this?
My day was well and truly ruined. The one day he promised me would be about me and him. Nothing else.
We’d both fucked it up royally.
I fingered the A on the necklace he’d given me. No matter what, I wouldn’t take it off. It reminded me that despite what he’d done, Aiden felt something for me. Even if he hadn’t wanted to. I knew it was stupid, but I couldn’t let it go.
I had to get up. Had to move. I wasn’t going back to Aiden, but I needed somewhere to go that wasn’t my own flat. The police were still looking for me. I wasn’t ready to face any of that yet.
I felt my pockets. Shit. I hadn’t bought the burner phone with me. How the hell was I going to get anywhere? I had nothing. Literally nothing but the clothes on my back. And it was Christmas Day.
Who would I even contact anyway?
James.
The only person who knew where I was. And shit, did I need my best friend right at that moment. I hauled myself to my feet. Somehow, I’d find a way to get in contact with him.
I trudged over to the lift and rode down to the ground floor. Every step I took away from Aiden made me feel worse. I really thought I’d suffered enough pain, but my heart had other ideas. Loving him was physically painful. The sensation burnt in my chest, almost crippling me. I had to keep putting one foot in front of the other or I’d collapse and sob all over again.
When I got out on the street, there were a few people milling about. I really didn’t want anyone to recognise me, but I had to call James somehow. I approached an older couple.
“Sorry, excuse me… I don’t normally do this, but I’m in a serious bind.”
The woman looked at me with distaste, but the man stopped and spoke to me.
“All alone on Christmas?”
“I guess. I just left my phone in a taxi and I really need to get in touch with my family. Could you by any chance let me borrow a phone at all, please?”
A blatant lie, but it was the first thing that came to mind. The woman continued to stare at me with annoyance. Not quite sure what her problem was considering I wasn’t trying to hit on her partner or anything.
“Oh, sure.” He pulled a phone out from his coat pocket. “Here. Sorry to hear you lost your phone.”
I nodded at him in thanks and took it. Quickly dialling James number, I smiled at them as best I could. I took a step back so they wouldn’t overhear my conversation. He picked up after the fifth ring.
“Hello?”
“James, it’s Avery.”
“Ave! Having a good Christmas with lover boy? Wait, why are you calling me off a different number?”
The mention of lover boy almost broke me. I could feel my chest constrict, the pain burning through me.
Aiden.
I took a deep breath, shoving those feelings back down.
“Um, I borrowed a stranger’s phone. Listen, I know you’re with your family, but can you come get me, please? I really hate to ask.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I’ll tell you when you’re here. Please, don’t ask me now. I can’t start crying in front of these people.”
“Okay… I’ll be as quick as I can. To be honest, I’ll be fucking glad to get away. Dad is Dad. Dante is brooding. Jen and Fi keep wanting to play fucking charades. And don’t get me started on the rest.”
Jennifer and Fiona were James’ twin sisters who were three years older than him.
“See you in a bit.”
He hung up and I handed the phone back to the nice man.
“Thank you so much. I really appreciate this.”
He smiled at me.
“Never hurts to help out a young girl on Christmas.”
The woman huffed. I’d be glad to get away from her and her death stares.
“Okay, okay. Sorry, I promised her our little Christmas walk wouldn’t be long.”
I smiled at them and stepped away. He tipped an imaginary hat at me and they ambled off. Thankfully neither of them recognised me. I’d be well and truly screwed otherwise.
I stood outside Aiden’s building, feeling awkward and cold. Daylight had faded and it was a cloudless sky. I wish I could’ve waited inside but there was no way I was ringing his doorbell. Doing that would tempt me into going back upstairs and letting him hold me. Letting him kiss me. Letting him fuck me so I could forget again. Shit. My back ached from him pounding me into the floor. The sex had been so raw. So brutal. All our feelings poured out and laid bare.
Stop thinking about it.
I fingered the necklace again. My heart burnt. I wanted him so much even though he’d hurt me. I craved Aiden with every breath I took. I wanted his smile. His touch. The way he smelt of cedarwood and pine. I missed him already. The only constant I had for the past few months.
Stop. You have to stop.
I couldn’t. Aiden took up a permanent place in my mind. My heart. My soul. The screwed up, tattooed, avenging angel who’d completely ripped my life apart. He’d broken me and tried to put the pieces back together. Except those pieces were all muddled up. I no longer really knew who I was, but I did know I’d fallen for Aiden. Fallen so hard, I could no longer breathe air into my lungs properly because I wasn’t right there with him. Now I had to find some semblance of who I was so I could move on. But moving on from Aiden would be impossible.
A fresh set of tears fell down my face.
Great. Now I’m crying in the street.
How long I stood there, I don’t know. My fingers froze no matter how I tried to keep them warm. I shivered and kept moving back and forth. A few people gave me strange looks, but I stopped caring. I felt so lost and alone, nothing seemed to matter anymore.
James turned up in his black Mini Cooper. I dashed across the pavement, jumped inside and immediately whacked up the heating without saying hello.
“Cold?” he asked.
“Just a tad.”
He set off. I glanced up at Aiden’s floor. I could still see the Christmas tree lights twinkling in the window. It made my heart lurch and my chest ache. I fingered the necklace again.
Aiden.
I wanted to tell James to stop the car so I could run back to him. To be back in his arms where I felt safe. To let him kiss away my pain. To be with the man I loved so desperately. It took every ounce of self-control I had to keep my mouth shut.
“So… you want to tell me why you dragged me away from my super fun family Christmas?”
I turned to James, shaking myself out of my thoughts of Aiden.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Hey, Ave… you know what they’re like. It’s bullshit. Back to mine?”
“Please.”
“You got it.”
He reached out, took my hand and gave it a squeeze.
“Shit, your fingers are like ice.”
“I forgot to put gloves on.”
“No shit.”
He concentrated on navigating a roundabout before turning back to me. The look in his eyes said ‘spill’.
“We had a fight. A huge fight.”
“About…?”
I tried hard not to think about what he’d said to cause it, but the words rang in my ears.
“I need you to get engaged to Tristan Shaw. I need you to make his family trust you. And I need you to find all the evidence of your family’s dirty dealings. There’s more and I know Frazier has it. He has to. He would never destroy what he could use. I need you to get it for me so we can expose them for who they really are.
“We can’t go to the police. We’ll use public outcry against them. One by one, they’ll fall and all that’ll be left is a shell of a company for you to do what you want with. I need you to do this for me even though I hate the thought of you being near Tristan. Please, Avery. I hate it, but it’s the only way. Please trust me. Please don’t say no.”
The only way? He was crazy. I hated Tristan. I’d known him since I was a kid. He was s
eriously messed up in the head. I once caught him trying to drown kittens the family cat had in the bath when I was around their house with my parents. When I pulled them out, I found he’d mutilated them already. Horrific.
I stayed away from him as much as possible. And now I knew how psycho Frazier really was, I hoped never to see either of them again.
How could Aiden think I would agree to such an idiotic plan? Tristan was well aware of my dislike and I can’t say he’s a fan of me either. It would never work. Never work in a million fucking years.
When my father told me they wanted us to get married and carry on the family business together, I just about lost it. Under no circumstances was I ever agreeing to it. He’d found another solution. One of my cousins would help me instead from behind the scenes. Only now I was realising it probably had everything to do with the other side of the business. Did everyone know about this except me? I felt sick all over again.
“Ave?”
I looked over at James, startled.
“Sorry… You asked what we fought about. Right. It’s really hard to explain. There’s so much fucked up shit I haven’t told you about.”
I crossed my arms over my chest, feeling as though it might explode at that moment. So conflicted.
Should I tell him or not?
“Between you and him?”
“Not exactly. More stuff about my family. The truth is awful. So fucking awful. I can’t even… I don’t know where to start.”
It all felt too crazy. Too much to talk about. There were things I’d never reveal to anyone, but James was the only person in my life who might understand what I was going through. His own family was pretty fucked up. I could tell him a little of it, just enough so he’d understand what happened between Aiden and me.
James didn’t reply. We sat in silence for the rest of the drive, almost as if he knew I needed time to work out how to tell him.
When we got in the flat, I stripped out of my coat, scarf and shoes.
“You’re welcome to steal my clothes as usual,” he said.
I smiled, giving him a nod.
“Well, you know where the bedroom is.”
“Can we just go curl up?”
We’d slept in the same bed together so many times before. It was our thing. Curling up under the covers to talk when the world got too much. Aiden would hate it if he knew.
Enough. He needs to get out of my head.
“I’ll fix us a drink then I’ll be in.”
I trudged into James’ bedroom and went through his cupboards. I found a pair of jogging bottoms, a t-shirt and one of his jumpers. I stripped out of my own clothes, dressed and got under the covers. The sheets smelt like his Calvin Klein cologne. A scent I associated with him.
This felt so familiar. It reminded me of how much I missed the way Aiden smelt. Shit. I needed to get a grip. It’d been maybe a few hours since I’d seen him, yet thoughts of him consumed me. He’d etched himself on my heart. Permanently. Deep down, I knew I’d never be free of him. The kind of connection we shared wouldn’t fade with time. It would remain. A bond forged for life.
When James came in, he was carrying two mugs. He gave one to me and set the other one down on the bedside table. He started stripping out of his own clothes, throwing them in his wash basket before pulling on a pair of shorts and a plain t-shirt.
We’d seen each other naked, so this wasn’t weird, but it reminded me of how different James and Aiden were. My best friend was reasonably toned, but Aiden was ripped. He worked out daily and whenever he’d had a session with his boxing bag, he had me practically drooling over him.
Again. Stop. Just stop. You and Aiden are over. It’s done.
Except it wasn’t done at all.
“Mulled cider?” I asked.
“Yeah, didn’t think you’d want wine.”
I sipped at it. The spices warmed me. I smiled at him as he jumped into the bed and huddled under the covers next to me.
“So, now you’re all wrapped up warm and comfortable, feel like spilling the beans?”
I sighed, taking another sip of the cider. There were things I couldn’t say, but most of it I could. So I started at the beginning. Went right back to the night my parents were murdered. I didn’t tell James I was there nor that Aiden kidnapped me and locked me up. I cried a few times. Talking about my family’s dealings to someone other than Aiden made me feel worse about them. The shame tore at my soul.
He sat silently listening to me, not interjecting once.
“What he wants is impossible. I can’t. You know Tristan isn’t right in the head. No one would believe it, least of all Frazier.”
He sat back against the headboard and took a sip of his own cider. He shook his head, his blue eyes meeting mine. I could see the shock and confusion in them.
“Holy fuck.”
“Yeah, holy fuck is probably right.”
“Ave, that shit is so fucked up, I don’t even know where to start.”
“And you think I did?”
He nudged his shoulder into mine.
“No. I was not expecting you to unload a whole can of ‘what the fuck’ on me though.”
I half smiled.
“Least it wasn’t a can of whoop-ass.”
I mimicked the motion of whipping with my hand. He barked with laughter.
“Idiot.”
I sighed. Whilst it was all very well for us to make jokes, it really wasn’t a laughing matter. What my family had done was sick. And what Aiden asked me to do was completely unreasonable.
“I’m sorry, Ave. All of that sucks. I mean the shit with your family and the company, don’t have any clue how you’re going to deal with it. You can’t just do nothing, not when it’s basically your company now. And the stuff with Aiden… I don’t know him, but it sounds like he’s got issues.”
I hadn’t told him everything about Aiden. I’d left out a lot. Mostly I spoke about how we’d spent weeks pussyfooting around our attraction to each other until we’d given in. I kept Aiden’s not so vanilla desires to myself, as well as his real connection to my family.
“He does, but he’s been through a lot of shit. I know he cares for me. We’re more than just two people sleeping together.”
“What do you mean?”
I’d left out something else. Something pretty important.
“I have feelings for him. It’s real. It’s like we’re connected. And I know he has feelings too even if he’s unwilling to admit them.”
His eyes narrowed.
“Feelings… Are you…? Do you love him?”
I nodded. Hearing the words out loud made me feel weird. I’d told Aiden, but whether it really registered with him or not, I had no idea. I hadn’t dared to look at him afterwards. Too worried it would ruin my resolve.
“Does he know?”
“I told him before I left. I don’t know what he thought about it. It’s so complicated, James. I feel like I’m breaking inside.”
He took my mug from me, placing both on the bedside table. He shuffled down into the covers and pulled me with him, wrapping his arms around me. It didn’t feel like when Aiden held me, but I was grateful.
“I don’t want to cry anymore,” I whispered.
“I know.” He stroked my hair. “We’re just going to lie here together until you fall asleep.”
I didn’t want to tell him I had no idea how I was going to sleep. All I could think about was how much I wanted Aiden. My soul called to his. And being away from him was so much worse than any of the things he’d done to hurt me.
Such an idiot. Stupid idiot.
Hours might have passed, I had no idea, but sleep eluded me. James was conked out next to me, his hair ruffled. He looked peaceful. I sat up and crawled out of the bed, careful not to wake him. I picked up his phone from the bedside table and went through into the living room.
I pulled off a blanket from the sofa and sat on the floor with my
back to it. I pressed the button to illuminate the screen. Two in the morning. What I was about to do was incredibly stupid.
I unlocked the phone. James and I had always known each other’s passcode. I scrolled through his contacts. My finger hovered over the name. I pressed down, putting the phone to my ear. It rang four times. Then he picked up.
“Hello?”
The rich, deep note of his voice broke me. I stifled a sob.
“Avery… Is that you?”
I put a hand over my mouth. Tears fell down my cheeks.
“Please tell me it’s you. Fuck. Avery, please.”
My hand dropped. Hearing his voice soothed me. It pieced together my broken heart.
You’re so fucked up.
“It’s me,” I whispered.
“Fuck. Are you okay? Where are you?”
The relief mixed with concern in his voice crushed me. What the hell was I doing? Calling him was the stupidest idea I’d had all evening.
“I’m with James. And no, I’m not okay.”
“I’m so sorry. Fuck. I’ve been worried sick since you left. Fucking hell. I hate this. I hate what I’ve done to you.”
I took a breath, tears still cascading down my face.
“I can’t sleep. I… I miss you, Aiden. I miss you so much.” The words came tumbling out without me wanting them to.
It’d barely been six or seven hours since I’d left. Being away from him killed me.
“I miss you too. Let me come get you.”
“No. I left for a reason and nothing has changed.”
“Avery…”
“No, I shouldn’t have called. This was stupid. I just… I needed to hear your voice. I hate that I still need you. I hate you so much.”
And I loved him too. Such a fine line between the two warring emotions.
“Please don’t say that. I’m sorry. Please, I need you. I fucking need you so much. I can’t breathe without you.”
“I have to go.”
If I spoke to him any longer, I’d give in.
“Avery, please.”
The agony in his voice destroyed me.
“I meant what I said. I can’t keep letting you hurt me no matter how I feel about you.”
“Avery—”
I hung up.
I felt worse and somehow better for hearing his voice. I wiped away the tears from my cheeks. Such an idiot. Was I so obsessed with him that I couldn’t stay away? Had leaving even been the best idea? Couldn’t I have worked it out with him? But Aiden wasn’t the type to talk things through. Our relationship wasn’t equal. He owned me.