by Sarah Bailey
Except I’d seen the look in his eyes when he realised I intended to leave him.
Despair.
Was he mine?
He had to be mine.
I had to know.
I looked down at the phone. If he could answer me that one question then maybe we could work it out.
Maybe.
So I rang him again.
“Princess.”
His new nickname for me. Shit. It tore at me, but I had to stay focused.
“Just answer me one thing.”
“Okay…”
“Are you mine?”
“What?”
“I’m yours, but are you mine?”
Silence. Seconds ticked by. They felt like hours, but it could’ve only been a minute.
“Who else’s would I be?”
It wasn’t exactly a yes, but it was more than I’d expected him to say.
“How am I supposed to know?”
“I told you, I never lied to you about how I feel. There is no one else. There has never been anyone else. I don’t have relationships. I rarely even sleep with the same woman twice. You want honesty? I can’t get enough of you. Every part of you. You are the only person I’ve ever wanted full stop. I know I’ve fucked things up between us. You have no idea how sorry I am. Please, let me come get you. I need you. I need you here. You belong with me. You said you’re still mine. You said…”
I said I love him. His confession made my soul split in two.
“I’m not coming back tonight.”
“Do you really… What you said when you left, is that how you feel about me?”
“I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it.”
I didn’t regret telling him I loved him. It was something I couldn’t hold back any longer. I’d never been in love before. It was the only thing that made any sense in this fucked up situation. My heart belonged to Aiden and I knew on some level his belonged to me.
“Are you ever going to come back?”
“I don’t know. I won’t do what you need so how can I?”
“I don’t fucking care about that. I can’t live without you. Every fucking moment since you left has been agony. I know I’ve hurt you so much, but please, don’t say this is over.”
Was it over? My heart said no. I could hear the anguish in his voice. He’d suffered just as much as me. And right now, I couldn’t hate him anymore. I was upset and angry, but that didn’t change how much I cared. How much it broke me because he was hurting too.
“You know it’ll never be over,” I whispered. “I love you.”
I hung up. The phone dropped onto the carpet and I buried my face in my knees.
Idiotic, naïve girl. How could you give him hope you’d return?
Because I knew I’d go back to him.
Because the stupid girl I was loved the broken, fucked up man who’d destroyed her world.
Chapter Two
Aiden
I hadn’t slept all night. I couldn’t. Everything hurt. Her words on the phone rang in my ears.
“It’ll never be over. I love you.”
I didn’t deserve her love, but I fucking hoped she meant it about us not being over. I couldn’t stand the thought of it. Fuck all my plans. Fuck the shit with her family. I still wanted to tear them to pieces, but not at the expense of her and me. It wasn’t until she walked out the door and didn’t come back that it hit me.
I love her.
My heart belongs to her.
I am hers.
And I would fight with my dying breath to get her back. Just to have her here with me. There had to be another way. There always was.
I could still feel the phantom of her body against mine as I took her roughly against the floor. The way she’d cried and told me to fuck her. Fuck. Avery. I’d totally screwed up. Could she ever forgive me? Could she ever look at me the same way again? I didn’t deserve it, but I loved her. I couldn’t fucking live without her.
The buzzer for the door went. Fuck. I crawled out of bed and went into the hall. I didn’t bother with the intercom, I pressed the button for the door. I went back into the bedroom and put some shorts and a t-shirt on.
When the knock on the door came, I went through and opened it.
“Merry Christmas…” Tina faltered. “Aiden, you look like shit.”
I said nothing, stepping back so she could enter the flat. I closed the door behind her as she walked through into the kitchen. I followed her. It wasn’t like she didn’t know her way around. She flipped the kettle on.
“Where’s Avery?”
Hearing her name tore at my fucking soul.
“Not here.”
Tina turned to me.
“What do you mean she’s not here?”
“She… she left me.”
“What did you do?”
Tina knew it was my fault instantly. Knew me too fucking well. I couldn’t take the look in her eyes. I walked away and threw myself into one of the kitchen table chairs, running a hand through my hair.
“I fucked it up.”
She sighed and began pulling things out of my cupboards. When she’d made me a shake and herself a cup of tea, she sat down opposite me.
“Are you ready to admit you’re in love with her?”
I nodded, taking a huge gulp of the shake she’d made me. I couldn’t starve myself even though I had zero appetite.
“Have you told her?”
“No.”
She shook her head, rolling her eyes.
“Why did she leave?”
“I told her what I wanted her to do. She unsurprisingly refused and told me she couldn’t stay because I kept hurting her.”
“And what exactly is this grand plan of yours?”
I looked away. Saying it out loud the first time made me realise how insane it sounded. Now I just felt ashamed. Telling Tina would only make it fucking worse.
“If she can get close to Frazier through Tristan, then I can get the evidence I need to take him down too.”
“What exactly did you tell her she had to do?”
“Get engaged to him.”
Tina stood up, leant over the table and cuffed me around the ear. I looked up at her, rubbing the side of my head.
“What was that for?”
She sat back down.
“You really don’t understand women at all. How do you think that made her feel? Hmm? Do you think she wanted to hear you tell her to get engaged to another man?”
“Well no.”
“Honestly, I really thought I taught you better than this.”
She took a sip of her tea, looking up at the ceiling. I fiddled with my glass. She probably had taught me better, but I was fucked up and sick in the head. I’d never really spent this much time with a girl before. Never knew what it was like to want someone in the way I wanted Avery. So instead, I’d pushed her away.
“She said she loves me.”
“And you didn’t tell her you feel the same way?”
“She left before I could and when she said it again, she hung up on me. What was I supposed to do? I don’t want to tell her when she’s upset with me. She might think I’m just saying it to get her to come back.”
She didn’t respond for the longest time. I didn’t know how to fix any of it. I no longer wanted Avery to go through with my stupid fucking plan. I just wanted her back. To hear her voice. I missed her scent. Coconut with a hint of vanilla. It wasn’t even about how fucking amazing it felt when I was inside her. I missed her. Her presence in the flat.
“Did you sleep last night?”
“No.”
“Aiden…”
“You know it’s impossible. I really fucked up, Tina. All this time, having her with me made it all stop. And now, I don’t know what will happen if I try to close my eyes.”
Tina’s expression betrayed her concern.
“You need to sleep. I don’t want
you getting into tro—”
“Don’t bring that up. It’s different now. I’ll deal with it.”
She raised an eyebrow.
“Will you? Or are you going to bury everything deep down like you always do?”
I really wished Tina had never seen me grow up sometimes. She saw me too clearly. She knew what I suffered with. How the nightmares drove me fucking crazy. The violent outbursts I’d had when I was younger because I couldn’t deal with any of it. She didn’t make excuses for my behaviour, just tried to help me. I’d rejected that help when I was a teenager. By the time I joined the army at eighteen, I was close to fucking breaking point. It was only the discipline I learnt in the forces that kept me from completely losing my mind. Discipline and control kept me focused.
“Aiden, she gave you peace, didn’t she? I dare say she made you happy. Do you still want her marrying someone else?”
“No, I would’ve never let it get that far.” I ran a hand through my hair. “I don’t know how to fix me and her.”
“Perhaps you might want to try a gesture that tells her you’re serious about the two of you.”
Gesture?
I couldn’t think what she might be alluding to.
“Like what?”
She rolled her eyes and let out a long sigh.
“You’ve never called anyone your girlfriend before so why don’t you start there?”
I stared at her.
Girlfriend?
“You want me to ask her out like we’re teenagers?”
“No, I want you to be an adult and tell the girl you’re in love with you want to have a real relationship with her. Is that too hard for you?”
I looked away, rubbing the back of my neck.
“No, I suppose not.”
“And if you do this, you treat her right, Aiden. She needs to go back to the real world. You can’t keep her hidden any more. Let her decide if she wants to help you deal with her family. Don’t push her. Let her in. Let her help you. I hate seeing you like this. So fix it between you and fix it right. I want the Aiden I know is in there deep down back. The one I saw when he brought around the girl he wanted me to meet because she was special to him.”
I knew she was right. The only way I’d get her back was if I proved I was serious. Whether I could really have a relationship with another person remained to be seen. Was I even capable of it? I’d spent so long alone keeping all my walls and my guard up. Then Avery came along and smashed through it all. Made me feel again.
I had to try, didn’t I? Try for her.
“Okay. I get it.”
“Good. Don’t ruin it again if she gives you a second chance.”
“I’ll try not to.”
And I would. For Avery, I was beginning to realise I’d do anything to keep her.
She’s still mine.
I had to remind myself of that fact even though she wasn’t here right now. I’d been a selfish arsehole to her. Keeping her locked up here where her mental state deteriorated. I had a lot of shit to make up to her. No fucking wonder she’d left me. I had to do better. Do right by her.
“Come on, you’re going to try to get some sleep now and I’m going to sit with you. No excuses.”
I didn’t bother trying to get out of it. I did need sleep. Needed to function properly so I could work out how to get Avery back.
Tina followed me into the bedroom, made me get in bed whilst she pulled out her Kindle and sat with me. Fucking ridiculous really, me needing the woman who’d raised me to make sure I went to sleep.
I lay there for the longest time, trying to get thoughts of the girl I loved out of my head, but it proved fruitless. All I wanted was her here so I could wrap myself around her small frame and keep her safe. Take her pain away. I missed her so much.
And soon, I’d have her back again.
~~~
Tina left late evening after making sure I slept. We’d eaten lunch and dinner together whilst watching films. She reiterated I needed to sort my shit out before she left.
I felt listless, lying on the sofa with my arm slung over my face. Would she call again? I wasn’t about to try ringing her since James might pick up. I wanted to hear her voice if I couldn’t see her. How the fuck had things come to this? Here I was, pining after a girl. A fucking girl. I felt fucking pussy-whipped. She’d stripped away all my fucking walls and barriers and made me fucking helpless. I hadn’t felt helpless since I was a kid.
Avery.
My whole entire world was that damn girl. Everything shifted. If only she knew the torment she brought on. My soul burnt for hers.
Mine. She’s fucking mine. I fucking need her.
My phone rang. I fumbled for it on the coffee table, dropping my arm from my face. One name appeared on the screen.
James Benson.
It was after midnight so I knew it had to be her.
“Avery?”
“Hi,” she whispered.
“You called.”
The relief I felt at hearing her voice slammed into me with a force that took my breath away.
“Did you think I wouldn’t?”
“I don’t know what you’re thinking or doing any more, princess.”
I’d called her it as a joke that first time yesterday, but now it just fit. She was my princess.
“Well, I haven’t done very much today. It was me, the sofa and the TV.”
Were we just going to have a normal conversation? I supposed I should take what I could get.
“What did you watch?”
“Mostly cooking shows.”
I smiled. She had a thing for those. I’d found her watching them on more than one occasion after I let her start using the TV.
“What about James?”
“He had to go back to his dad’s. I would’ve called earlier, but he only just got back like an hour ago. He got in trouble for leaving yesterday. He didn’t tell them about me obviously. Did Tina come over?”
“Yes, she was sad not to see you and gave me several lectures.”
She giggled. Actually fucking giggled. The sound warmed my bones. Fuck. I wanted her here so badly.
“I can’t imagine anyone giving you a lecture.”
“You don’t know what she’s like.”
Tina could bulldoze over all your arguments and basically make a tit out of you if she wanted. That woman was a force to be reckoned with despite her quiet demeanour.
“Were the lectures about me?”
I smiled again. Fuck. Why did this girl make me feel so… happy?
“Yes. She told me to fix things between us.”
I wasn’t sure why I decided to be honest. I guess I realised Avery needed that from me. Tina had been right. I had to let her in and honesty was the first place I could start.
“I don’t know that we can be fixed, Aiden.”
“Will you let me try?”
“It depends on what you’re proposing to do.”
Tina’s words kept coming back to me. All of them. I knew what I had to do.
“Avery… I don’t want to do this over the phone, but there are things I need to say to you. First and foremost, I’m sorry for everything. Everything I asked of you. Everything I did to you. I meant what I said last night. You are my world. I didn’t give you a proper answer when you asked me if I’m yours, but I have a question of my own. Do you want me to be yours?”
She didn’t immediately reply. I heard her shuffling about for a moment.
“Yes.”
My heart contracted. Fuck. This girl. She made my whole fucking body sing.
“And if I asked you if you wanted to have a real relationship with me, what would your answer be?”
“Is that a real question, Aiden? Like do you actually mean it?”
“I suppose I do.”
I did mean it. What was I saying? Why was this so difficult? Fuck. I wanted to see her face so much. To see her reaction. I hated do
ing this over the fucking phone.
“You suppose or you do?”
“I do mean it.”
Silence. I heard her move again. What was she doing?
“Video call me and ask me again.”
“What?”
“Just do it.”
She hung up on me. What the fuck? Fine. If that’s what she wanted, then I’d do it. Prove to her I was serious. She wasn’t letting me get off lightly and I supposed I deserved it after everything I’d done.
I sat up, put my phone out in front of me and dialled. After a moment, she answered. Fuck. Seeing her face made my heart ache more. Her hair was braided down one side. She wore a blue t-shirt that looked far too big for her. Her doe eyes were bright with unshed tears. Fuck. Was that my doing?
She waved at me.
“Where are you?” I asked.
“On the sofa. James is asleep. I stole his phone again. He knows I spoke to you last night, but he’s not judging. I told him everything, well, except for the whole murder and kidnapping business. I promised you it would stay between us. I don’t intend to break any more of the promises I made to you.”
The only one she’d broken was the promise not to leave me, but really, after what I’d done, that was justified. I couldn’t blame her for it.
Fuck. My cock was rigid just seeing her through the screen. How did this girl manage to be so fucking alluring? Damn it. How could I fucking pay attention when all I wanted was her sweet pussy around my cock? Now was not the time to be thinking about fucking her.
“I miss you.”
She smiled at me.
“I miss you too. I wasn’t quite sure whether I could cope with seeing you, but shit, Aiden, I just… I needed to see your face. I want to know if you mean it.”
“I do. I want you to be in my life. So fucking much. I want… I want a relationship with you.”
I watched a tear fall down her cheek, which she quickly dashed away.
“You don’t want me to get engaged to Tristan?”
“Fuck no. I don’t want you to get engaged to anyone. I’m sorry I ever asked that of you. Honestly, right now, I couldn’t care less about anything to do with the Shaws, your family or the company. The only thing that matters is you and me.”