“That tickles,” he smirked before his smile fell. “I had a rough time, even after my mom left my dad. I spent a lot of years learning to defend myself.”
“Now, you start the fights?” I asked, cocking my eyebrow.
“Some days you’re the predator, and sometimes you’re the prey. But don’t worry. I won’t let anyone hurt you. You’re safe.”
Kaden pulled back from me and searched my face. I gave him a small smile to let him know I was alright but instantly regretted it as his arms left my body.
“What brought that on?”
“I dunno. I was having this dream about being late for school and… it was so stupid.”
Brushing the hair back from my forehead, he gave me a weak smile. “It’s not stupid. You’re fifteen. Those are the things that are supposed to make scared, not worrying where we are going to stay or how we will make money.”
“I haven’t changed my mind, Kaden.”
“I know you haven’t.” He pushed to his feet and held out his hand to me. I slid my fingers in his and let him pull me to my feet with little effort. “Go splash some cold water on your face. It will make you feel better.”
I went into the small, dimly lit bathroom and ran the water in the sink as I looked over myself. Exhaustion was written all over my face nad my brain felt like it was zapping itself, a not so subtle reminder that I’d missed taking my medications.
My thoughts went to my mother and how mad she would be when she noticed I hadn’t taken them with me. I laughed to myself at how stupid that was but my smile faded when I thought about my brother. I hated that my parents couldn’t see that he was hurting and needed help. He was probably laying in a hospital bed right now all alone.
“You okay?” Kaden was leaning against the doorframe, his arms crossed over his chest. He had pulled on a pair of jeans now and they hung low on his hips, exposing a thick band of blue from his boxers.
“I’m fine now. Thanks.”
His nodded but his expression still showed how concerned he was. “The sun is up. You want to go for a walk?”
“Yeah. I don’t think I’ll be able to go back to sleep anyway.” I shrugged before splashing some cold water on my face.
His gaze had dipped to my legs before he took a step back. “I’ll give you some privacy.” He disappeared. Leaving me alone with my guilt.
Pulling his shirt over my head, I inhaled deeply as the cotton slid against my face. The scent of Kaden was growing addicting and I wondered if he noticed the way he was making me feel.
***
August 16, 2015
I rushed through a lukewarm shower, hating the tiny bar of soap that the hotel provided for washing. I missed my loofa and creamy scented washes.
The towel was well worn and had a lingering smell of bleach. I wrapped it carefully around myself, holding it tight to my chest so I wouldn’t accidentally give Kaden a show.
He was perched on the end of the bed, his eyes glued to the news on the small television. He did a double take when he saw me, standing quickly as if he wasn’t sure what to do. My skin was covered in goosebumps from the chilly air of the room and water dripped from my hair to the dingy carpet.
“I could have brought you some clothes,” he stammered.
“I should have remembered to take them with me.” I held my towel with one hand as I bent down, sifting through my belongings.
I settled on a tank top and jean shorts. Kaden disappeared into the bathroom and I quickly wrapped the towel around my long hair before pulling on my clothing. The fabric stuck to my still damp skin but it would feel nice when we stepped out into the muggy midmorning heat.
When he stepped out of the bathroom, he had a towel wrapped around his waist but it was barely large enough to cover him. My eyes instantly when to the muscles near his hips that formed a V and disappeared below the swath of fabric.
“Do you mind? I’m not a piece of meat,” he joked and I stiffened before spinning around to face the door to the outside.
“Shit! I’m sorry.” But I couldn’t wipe the grin off my face. Just that site alone had made this entire trip worth it though I’d never tell him that. He didn’t need any more girls to stroke his ego.
“Don’t worry. I don’t blame you,” he whispered next to my ear, and I jumped as his hands came down on my shoulders. “Jesus, Lila, calm down. I’m just messing with you.”
“Yeah,” I spun around to face him before putting some distance between us. He was wearing his jeans now but he still hadn’t put a shirt on. “I know. It’s just annoying,” I fumbled over my words, wishing I had said something more clever. But my mind instantly went back to the kisses we’d shared. I hadn’t been able to think about much else.
All of this constant inner turmoil was beginning to get to me. I found myself missing the simpler times when all I needed to worry about was keeping my room clean. Being what I perceived as a typical teenager, was exhausting.
Kaden was consistently hot and cold and just when I’d think we are getting closer, he’d push me away. I wished I could talk to Bridget about how I was feeling, or even my mother. I never realized how much I relied on her guidance until I didn’t have it anymore.
“I thought we could venture a little further than the Quarter today if you’re up to it.” He pulled his gray shirt over his head before slipping on his socks and sneakers.
“Isn’t it kind of sketchy? You’re always telling me how dangerous it is.”
“I’ll be with you.” He smiled. “And I think most of the bad guys sleep until at least noon,” he joked, flashing me a lopsided grin.
“Let’s do it.” I grabbed my oversized sunglasses and slipped them onto my face as he shook his head.
He held out his hand and I intertwined my fingers with his as we stepped out into the already too warm sun. If I could wake up every day like this, I’d die a happy woman.
NINETEEN
KADEN
August 16, 2015
My eyes danced over the small, shoebox-shaped building in Tremé[41] that was walking distance from the French Quarter, but it looked as though it was in a different country. The once vibrant blue paint was peeling off the exterior and the screen door seemed to be only hanging on by one hinge.
“Kaden Castille?” Lila looked at the name on the mailbox to me, her eyebrows drawn together. “What are the odds?”
I rubbed my hand roughly along my jaw. It had been a long time since I’d heard that name aloud. “It’s my name,” I admitted as I watched her try to figure out what was going on.
“Your name is Kaden Harken.”
“Harken is my mom’s maiden name. We started going by it when she left my dad,” I nodded to the dilapidated building, “Kaden Castille.”
Her expression fell and the color drained from her face. “Kaden, your dad lives here? The guy who used to beat on you and your mom?” She whisper-yelled as panic began to set in.
“Relax. He can’t hurt me now. He likes to pick on people much smaller and weaker than he is anyway. Besides, this place has been empty since Hurricane Katrina came through.”
“Why are we here?” I could tell she was worried that I was going to do something stupid. I hadn’t decided if that was true yet.
“You wanted to live. This is real life, Lila. This,” I raised my hands at the house, “is what you asked for.” I could see it all so clearly now. The fights and not giving a shit about anyone, myself included, was going to land me in the same shoes as my father. Sure, I would never lay my hands on a woman, but that didn’t mean I was going to end up as anything good. Now that I had someone else to take care of, I realized this wasn’t what I wanted.
Her eyes had scanned the street before she looked down at her toes. I stepped in front of her, my fingers twitching with wanting to touch her. I reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear as she looked up at me, sadness in her eyes.
“You have a good life. And I know you think you need to go out and have fun and do stupid stuff… but you
have forever to do those things.”
“With you?”
Her words caught me off guard and I didn’t know how to respond. I wanted to lie and tell her that I would always be waiting for her because I would, but she deserved something better. I was selfish but I wasn’t stupid. We were only teenagers.
“You’re not going to want me, Trust me. But I will be waiting for an invitation to you and science dork’s wedding,” I laughed sardonically but she didn’t smile.
“Are you… are you taking me back home?” The hurt in her eyes felt like it was connected to a knife in my chest.
“No. Not if you don’t want me to.”
Her face instantly brightened. “Good. Then let’s go get something to eat and figure out what we’re going to do next.”
“Next? Lila, who is going to hire a bunch of teenagers? We are about to be living out of my car, which I will end up having to sell in order to feed us.”
“You’re so pessimistic. Things will work out.”
“Things will work out?”
“Yeah.” Her eyes were wide and innocent and I hoped that her little bit of time she’d spent with me didn’t dull any of that. She deserved every moment of the blissful naivety of childhood.
“Let’s get some food.” I conceded as I slid her hand into mine.
“Thank God. I was worried my new cause of death would be starvation.”
We made our way back to the Quarter. The entire walk, I couldn’t get her stupid book out of my mind. She didn’t think any of this through, not that I can say I thought when I ran off with the neighbor girl. But I, at least, had the sense to bring things that were important. She’d left her medicine and brought her homework.
I was so caught up in showing her how to live, I didn’t think about the dangers I was putting her in. The last thing I wanted was a tragic ending for her like that damn book. Lila didn’t need adventure, she needed safety and that wasn’t something I knew how to provide. Hell, if I turned eighteen while we were gone, I could go to prison. I wasn’t entirely sure I wouldn’t be going already.
***
August 16, 2015
I treated Lila to beignets[42] at Café Du Monde[43] and we spent the rest of the day seeing the sites. It felt like we had a giant clock counting down over our heads and I wanted to make sure that every second we spent here counted. By the time we arrived outside of our hotel room, we were both exhausted.
“I was thinking…” Lila’s smile was a mile wide and I knew that she had enjoyed our day together as much as I had. Taking a girl out and showing her a good time was relatively new to me. If you had asked me a few weeks ago, I would have said there was nothing for me to learn from someone like Lila. I was supposed to be teaching her how to live and I had never felt more alive in my life.
“I thought I smelled smoke,” I joked and she smacked me playfully on the chest.
“Very funny. I was thinking, why do we have to stay here?”
“You’re ready to go home?” I tried not to sound relieved even though I knew what that meant for us.
“No. Kaden, I don’t want to go back. I want to stay with you.” Her smile disappeared. “I was thinking we could go anywhere we want. We can go see Hollywood or go to an amusement park.” Her eyes lit up as she spoke and it was hard not to get caught up in her excitement.
“And how would we pay for it?”
“We’d figure it out.” She bit down on her bottom lip like she did whenever she was nervous. I tucked her hair behind her ear, letting my fingers linger in the soft strands for an extra moment. I couldn’t look her in the eye and tell her no. Not when she was looking at me like that.
“I wish I could give you that,” I confessed. Lila stood up on her toes and pressed her mouth against mine. Catching me off guard and nearly causing me to lose my balance.
My arms circled her waist and I pulled her tight against me as I deepened our kiss.
When we finally broke free, her eyes were still closed, lips still parted and glistening. She was absolutely breathtaking and I knew that I was falling for her. Hard.
“What was that for?” I asked as her eyes fluttered open.
“I had a lot of fun with you today.”
I smiled, genuinely unable to help myself and she did the same, running the pad of her finger over one of my cheeks.
“I’ve been waiting to see that smile since the day we met.”
Taking a step back, she gave me room to unlock the door. We stepped inside and I clicked on the television as she headed to the bathroom.
Sitting down on the edge of the bed, my heart sank as I looked at Lila’s face on the screen with a number to call if anyone knew of her whereabouts.
“Can I wear one of your shirts?” She called from the bathroom and I clicked the remote, turning the channel.
“Y-yeah. Of course.”
I pulled my shirt over my head as she yelled again.
“Can you bring me a hair tie? They’re in the front of my bag.”
I grabbed her bag and unzipped the front pocket, pulling out her cell phone and the battery before finding a hair tie. “Do you care what color?”
“Why would I care what color my hair tie is so I can wash my face?” She asked and I heard her giggling to herself.
I knocked on the bathroom door and she only opened it a crack, sticking her arm out with her hand extended.
“A thank you would be nice,” I joked as I placed the shirt and hair tie in her palm.
“Thank you, Kaden,” she replied in a sing-song voice. “I’ll be out in a minute.” The door closed between us.
***
August 17, 2015
I held Lila against my chest even though the air conditioning wasn’t working well and the room was sweltering hot. It was nearly four in the morning and I still hadn’t gotten any sleep.
I went over every moment of the time I’d spent with her, wondering what I could have done differently so that I would have had a chance at some sort of future with her. But what was done was done. I couldn’t change things, I could only try to do what was right from here on out.
Lila groaned and rolled away from me and I reluctantly let her go, sitting up on the end of the bed, staring at my guitar. I needed to slow my mind down.
Grabbing my notebook, I slipped outside and lit a cigarette as I poured everything I was feeling onto the pages.
When I finished, the paper was smudged with ashes and my conscious felt a little more at ease. I slipped back into the room and put everything before I sank down in front of Lila and brushed her hair from her face. Her eyes blinked open and she smiled.
“Come back to bed. You were keeping me warm.”
“Nah. It’s time to get up.”
“Aww,” she pouted, her eyes closing again.
“Come on,” I pressed my lips against her forehead and her smile brightened. “Please.”
“Fine.” She sat up, bowing her back like a cat as she stretched before throwing the covers off her long, slender legs and hopping out of bed. “You owe me a coffee,” she warned as she grabbed a change of clothing and padded to the bathroom. A few minutes later she was in front of me, her hair pulled up in a ponytail. Here eyes danced over our packed bags on the bed and her eyes widened.
“We’re doing it? We’re going someplace fun?” She asked, her excitement seemed to electrify her. But the three loud knocks on the heavy hotel door felt like a gunshot to my chest.
Lila’s face turned ghost white and I could see the fear in her eyes. “Who do you think it is?” she whispered.
I sank down on the bed and hung my head in my hands, unable to speak.
“Kaden?” Her voice was more alarmed now and it hurt so badly that she was worried and I couldn’t do anything about it.
“Lila Jane? Open this door right now,” Mr, Newman’s voice called from outside.
I turned my head to look at her, my vision blurred with tears.
“Kaden, what are we going to do? We have to do something! Kaden
?”
I stood slowly, feeling like I was walking to my own execution as I placed my hand on the door handle and pulled it open.
Lila’s mother brushed by me and put her hands on Lila’s face as she began to sob. “I didn’t think we’d ever see you again,” she cried but Lila’s eyes looked past her mom to me.
“Kaden,” she whispered.
“Get your things. We are leaving,” her dad glared at me as he spoke to his daughter. I slid by him and lit a cigarette as I paced the sidewalk in front of my car.
“You sure do make things exciting,” Daven called as he made his way across the parking lot.
“Daven,” I began but he shook his head.
“We got plenty of time to talk about it,” he said and I felt relief wash over me. I didn’t want to hash out what I was or wasn’t thinking when I took off with Lila. As her mother stepped out of the room, her arm around Lila’s shoulders, time felt like it slowed. I wished it had done that when it was just the two of us.
“I don’t want to go,” Lila protested and her cheeks were now red and her eyes swollen. It took everything I had not to pull her against my chest and comfort her, even though I knew it was probably the last thing she wanted.
“You don’t have a choice,” her father said between clenched teeth. His eyes went to me and he sneered in disgust. “I guess I should thank you for that.”
Lila’s head spun around and her eyes narrowed as everything clicked into place. “Kaden?”
I swallowed bake the bile that was rising in my throat. I knew I would hurt her eventually but I had no idea how much it would kill me. “I’m sorry.”
“What did you do?” She shrugged free from her mother’s arms and took a few hesitant steps toward me. “Did you… did you call them? Did you plan this?”
I looked at her, wanting to memorize every curve, every freckle. “It’s what’s best for you,” I confessed and I could see the exact moment her heart shattered in her chest. She took a few more steps and was in front of me now, her face contorted in anger.
The Death of Lila Jane Page 13