“How could you do this to me? How could you?” Her hands shoved against my chest and I took a step back but made no move to stop her. I deserved everything she wanted to say or do.
When she didn’t get a response, it only made her more upset. Her mother grabbed her arm but she shrugged her off, determined to make sure I knew how much I’d hurt her.
“Were you just sick of me? Is that it? Huh?” Tears began to slide down the apples of her cheeks. “What was the point of all this, Kaden?” she yelled before her voice fell. “Did you even care about me at all?”
“More than anything,” I confessed as her eyes narrowed.
“Well guess what, Kaden. I hate you.” I struggled not to pull her against my chest and tell her how much she means to me. It was better this way. It was better that she hated me, even if it killed me inside. The bright light I’d seen in her eyes when we were together was gone now. I’d snuffed it out.
Her thin fingers gripped the faux pearl necklace on her chest and she tugged, ripping free from her neck. “I hate you,” she said quietly through clenched teeth as her eyes locked onto mine. “I will never forgive you for this.”
“That’s enough,” her mother put her arm around her shoulder and pulled her back from me, walking her to her father.
“Remember what I said, Kaden,” her father said as he put his arm around his daughter and they all walked to the other side of the lot and got into his car. How could I forget? But it was easy to promise that I’d never see his daughter again because I knew she would hate me when she found out I’d called them. No matter what I thought about her dad when I’d called him from her phone, I could hear the relief in his voice when he found out his daughter was okay. I knew I’d made the right choice.
I watched as the car pulled out and disappeared down the street before I glanced to Daven, who was leaning against my car, rubbing his palm along his stubbled jaw. I tossed the butt of my cigarette to the ground and bent over, picking up the broken necklace, sliding it into my pocket.
“I know why you came down her, T. Den. A lot of memories.”
“Lot of bad ones,” I mumbled. But now I’d made a lot of new ones and even if Lila hated me, nothing could take back that time we’d spent together. I hoped one day she would understand why I’d done what I did and hopefully forgive me. But I knew I’d never be able to forgive myself for hurting her. The only thing I’d gotten right was my cause of death because my heart was now irreparably broken.
TWENTY
LILA JANE
September 1, 2015
My eyes went unfocused as I stared down at the pages of my book. It was hard not to wonder what Kaden was doing. I wondered if he thought of me or if the moment I left, he pushed me to that place in his subconscious where he used to lock away all of his bad memories. I hoped that wasn’t what I was to him, but the pain of his betrayal was still too fresh in my mind to think that he really ever cared.
I knew we were young, but it didn’t feel like I would ever be able to forget the boy who stole my heart and the beaded necklace that I’d discarded at his feet as if it meant nothing at all.
I took three days for me to even get out of bed, barely eating a bite of toast before my stomach felt like it was revolting against me.
My mother was by my side constantly and although all I wanted was to be left alone. I realized how much she had really cared about me. I’d put her through hell and it had taken its toll on her. But somehow, we’d been brought closer together. I think she was also scared I might run again, but she didn’t have anything to worry about. I’d learned my lesson the hard way.
My father wasn’t as quick to forgive but I could see that it hurt him to know my heart was broken. He blamed himself for what I did. He thought if he hadn’t been so strict maybe none of this would have happened. But I knew better. I was drawn to Kaden the moment his car pulled into Daven’s driveway.
Time drug on so slowly now and as I ran my brush through my hair, I cringed at the reflection that stared back at me. I looked pale and there was dark purple under my eyes from my lack of sleep.
“Did you empty your bookbag?” My mother asked as she stuck her head into the bathroom.
I dropped the brush into the sink and it clattered loudly against the porcelain. “I’ll be down soon.”
She nodded and I could tell she wanted to say something else to me but she left me alone to get ready for school. It was my first day back and I was dreading having to be around other people.
I walked back into my room, glancing out of the window at Daven’s empty driveway. Kaden never came back. I thought he’d stay in New Orleans a few more days but as each sleepless night turned into a tired morning, I lost all hope.
Sinking down on my knees, I grabbed my bag and began to pull out my clothing from the trip. I flipped over the stained tank top from the first time I thought Kaden might kiss me and I had to swallow against the lump forming in my throat.
I tossed it to the floor and gasped when I stuck my hand back in the bag and pulled out Kaden’s notebook. I flipped open the cover and ran my fingers over the indentations where his pen had marked the pages.
The first few pages had been torn out leaving a shredded edging. My eyes scanned the first page that simply read The Death of Lila Jane. A wet circle spread out on the paper, smudging the ink as a tear fell. I swiped at my cheek and turned the page, reading a song he’d written about me. I continued to flip through the pages that were filled with notes and poems he’d written, my eyes dancing over the pages in shock as I read his confessions. He really did care about me. Everything he’d done while we were together was for me and somehow, it had helped to heal him too.
I flipped back to the inside cover where he had written a note addressed to me and it simply said –
This book chronicles your fictional death. It is up to you if you get your happy ending. Now go out and really live.
“Lila! Your ride is here!”
“Coming,” I called back as I shoved the notebook back into my bookbag, not bothering to pack any other supplies. I hurried down the steps and out of the front door.
Silas was waiting for me at the curb in his red Jeep, a smile on his face.
“I thought you were going to bail on me,” he called out as I pulled open the passenger door.
“You are entirely too happy for this early in the morning,” I teased with a smile. Silas had come by every day and when I refused to talk he would simply drone on and on about the stars and our solar system until I would fall asleep.
It was nice not to feel alone and I was thankful my parents let him come around. Bridget, however, was told to keep her distance because her mother worried that I would want to run away again and that I might take her with me. I knew it would take some time for everyone to be able to trust me again. I was okay with taking life one day at a time but I wasn’t going to let it pass me by.
TWENTY ONE
KADEN
November 6, 2015
I didn’t know if Lila would ever talk to me again after what I’d done, but I hoped one day she could see that I did it for her.
I was a work in progress and I couldn’t drag her down my path of destruction that later became my redemption. I needed to walk it alone. I needed to know that if she ever did want me back in her life, that I was in the right place to give her everything that she needed, not drain her as I had already done.
Wiping away the sweat that had beaded on my forehead, my eyes danced over the freshly hung drywall in the previously gutted house. It was therapeutic to demolish things and I learned that I really enjoyed taking the time to rebuild and make things whole again. I was, after all, doing that to myself as well.
I spent long hours during the day working with hammer and nails, and in the evening, I sang about what I’d been through as I played my guitar, earning me some extra cash. I didn’t spend it, though, not unless it was necessary.
I used to save my money because I knew one day I would run, I would have
to leave everything behind to really find myself. Now I saved for a future I hoped to build and possibly repair my past.
As the sun sank down behind the buildings, the curtainless windows, I quit for the night, my mind flooded with thoughts of Lila. I often imagined what it would be like if she were still here with me and if she could have been happy. My eighteenth birthday had come and gone and I wondered if she’d thought of me that day and if it made her sad or if she was finally able to smile at the memory.
I knew from speaking to Daven her parents didn’t make her return easy on her. But I also knew that she had been spending a lot of time with Silas and I hoped that he was making her smile.
He said that she asked about me but he told her I was fine like I’d asked him, and nothing else. I didn’t want her to think about me, but I didn’t want her to worry either.
It killed me that I had caused that to happen but I will never forget helping Lila learn to live, even if only for a short time. She had made me realize that I didn’t want to just get by.
I climbed into the Impala, my eyes going to the pearl necklace knotted and hanging around my rearview mirror. I smiled as I backed out of the driveway and headed across town to hit a drive thru for dinner before going to The Mission, a local shelter, and seeing if anyone there was looking for a few hours of work in exchange for a little bit of money and a hot meal. I could always use some extra help and there was never a shortage of people who needed a hand.
I was trying this new thing now. Instead of living like every day was my last, I began to live like every day was the first day of the rest of my life. It was all about perspective.
EPILOGUE
LILA JANE
March 1, 2019
I shoved my freshly washed and folded clothing into my duffle bag, pausing to run my fingers over the lacy white dress I hadn’t worn in nearly four years. I would be able to fill it out more now and I could say I was finally happy when I looked in the mirror. It took me nearly all of high school to learn that how I felt about myself was up to me. When I learned to let go, things began to fall into place. Silas had been a vital part of that process.
During those first few years, not a day had passed since I’d returned from my escape with Kaden that he didn’t stop in to check on me and give me someone to talk to. At first, it bothered him when I would talk about Kaden, but he let me do it anyway, so I could finally get over my first crush. That didn’t last very long because I was soon too preoccupied with him to think about my past.
Under the advisement of my counselor, I’d stopped taking my medications last year and I never felt better. I welcomed the gloomy days and let my tears flow, without trying to mask them or chemically alter myself.
I’d realized that I’d become dependent on their help. Much like my brother’s addiction, it was easier to take something to mask the pain instead of living in the moment. I was just lucky I’d learned how to cope before it took a tragic turn.
We’d buried my brother only six months ago, but there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think of him and I still found myself signing from time to time when I talked to others. It made me feel like a part of him still lived on.
I’d had a lot more firsts since Kaden. Silas had told me he was in love with me, and that he had been since we first met when we were ten years old. We began dating a few months after I started ninth grade, much to my father’s delight. But when I started eleventh grade, I had to say goodbye to him again.
Silas went off to college to earn his engineering degree, even though he spent months trying to convince me he could take a year off to stay at home in DeRidder and look after me. But I couldn’t let him do that. The world needed people like Silas Walker and I didn’t want to hold him back. One day he was going to change the world, but for me, he already had.
“Lila, are you leaving soon? I don’t like you driving all the way out there at night.”
I rolled my eyes before turning to face my mother.
“I’m going to be fine, mom. I promise. Bridget is going with me and we will be at the college most of the time.”
“I just don’t see why you chose now to go see Tulane. Why not wait until you graduate?”
I smiled as I put my bag on my shoulder and pressed a kiss on my mother’s cheek. “I’ll be okay. You can trust me.”
She smiled but it was forced. I knew she was going to worry every minute I was gone, but that was a mother’s job. I’d never realized how what I had seen as controlling was really her being overprotective because she cared.
“Did you pack the pepper spray your father got you?” Her eyes narrowed.
“Yes, mom. And I packed the extra battery he got me for my cell phone. Tulane is only a couple of hours away, you know. When I go there, you guys will be able to visit me whenever you want.”
She sighed dramatically as she stepped to the side so I could exit my room. “We just worry about you.”
“Love you too, Mom.”
I smiled as I took the stairs, two at a time, yanking open the front door to see the back of Bridget’s head. She spun around to face me, grinning from ear to ear.
“You ready for some Mardi Gras?”
“Shh…” I put my finger to my lip and shushed her, hoping my mother wasn’t upstairs sobbing into my pillow. “Keep your voice down,” I scolded her as I pulled my front door closed behind me. “No use rubbing it in. She’s already miserable.”
We hurried off the porch toward my car as Bridget waved to Daven, who was out front of his house, watering the overgrown bush that was planted just off the porch.
“Where you two headed in such a hurry?” He called out, his thick accent garbling his words.
“Mardi Gras,” Bridget called out before yelling, “Woo!”
“Stay out of trouble,” he laughed as he shook his head.
I threw my bag into the backseat of my car, a black ’69 Chevelle as Bridget climbed into the passenger side.
I got in and started the car, ignoring her eyes on me as I backed out of the driveway.
“Are we still pretending like he never existed?”
I rolled my eyes, turning up the volume on the radio. Bridget reached for it and turned it back down.
“Has he said anything about him?” She asked when I didn’t respond.
I groaned shaking my head as I looked left and right, pulling out onto Highway 171. “Not since he said he went back to his mom’s to take care of her. That was eight months ago.”
***
March 1, 2019
The drive down to New Orleans was uneventful but my mind was in turmoil as I went over every minute from my last trip to The Big Easy. It was hard not to get lost in the memory of a time that changed my life so much.
Now, I was setting off on an entirely different adventure. A few years ago, just the idea of going to college would cause mass panic to inflame in my belly like a wildfire. But I was ready to branch out on my own now and take on more responsibility.
I was sad that I wouldn’t have Silas to help me out with assignments but Bridget would be just down the road at LSU and we would spend every moment we could together. That was the plan, anyway.
After checking into our room, we stepped out into the muggy air, into the sea of people looking to let loose and celebrate life.
“First order of business, I need to get me some beads,” Bridget squealed as her eyes danced over the old buildings in awe, much like I had done when I first came here.
“Actually, there is someplace I’d like to go if you don’t mind.” I smiled to myself thinking of the adventures I’d had here with Kaden in what felt like another lifetime ago.
KADEN
March 5, 2019
“Did you get the baby?” my mother asked as I cut into my slice of king cake[44].
I shook my head as I shoveled another bite of cake into my mouth.
It was a tradition for those who found the plastic baby in their slice to host the next King Cake Party. But I had been hosting
it for the last few years, ever since my mother became ill and needed someone to look after her.
At first, it was just the two of us, but recently we’d added a few others to our celebration. My eyes went to Eva, who adjusted the clip in her auburn hair that she’d recently cut to just below her ears.
“That baby is a choking hazard,” Eva warned as she dipped her finger into the creamy center of her cake before sticking it in her mouth.
I rolled my eyes because I knew she just didn’t understand. She wasn’t from Louisiana.
“It’s tradition,” I groaned.
“Just because people have done something for a long time, doesn’t make it right,” she shot back as I pushed from my seat, grabbing both our paper plates to throw in the trash.
My mother held her hand over her plate to keep me from taking it. “I want a second slice,” She laughed.
“Back home we just eat donuts,” Eva continued and my mother rolled her eyes. We’d all heard this story so many times but it didn’t stop Eva from telling it again. She grew up in Pennsylvania and on Fat Tuesday, she’d celebrate Fastnacht Day[45].
The sound of an actual baby crying cut her story short as she pushed from the table. “Speaking of babies.”
“I’ll get him. Relax,” I called out as I headed to the bedroom. Riley was standing up in his playpen, his face red as tears streamed down his cheeks. He had been running a slight fever as his first tooth began to erupt.
“Hey, little man,” I muttered as I lifted him into my arms. Riley laid his head against my chest as he rubbed his chubby fist against his eye, still exhausted. His thin, dark hair sticking up haphazardly.
I carried back to the main living area and he immediately perked up at the sound of Eva’s voice.
“You want your mamma?” I asked as he leaned over, struggling to reach for her. She took him with thanks before she lifted her shirt and began to nurse him, pulling a receiving blanket over his head.
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