Guitar Freak

by Candy J. Starr

  “Not with Damo. He’s a jerk. There’ll be other tours, Jax. If we were good enough to get on this one, we’ll be good enough for those others. We can go home, audition a new front man, rehearse with them. Be even stronger. I don’t know who you think will take Miles’ place, but they can’t be good enough in four days.”

  He clicked his tongue like he had to do that to hold the words back. I knew he had a lot to say. I wasn’t ringing true even to myself. I did want to stay on the tour, but I never wanted to see Damo again. Almost. And I couldn’t believe Jax had any kind of sensible plan for us.

  “Fay.”

  That was all Jax said, but he got me to sit bolt upright.

  “Nope. Never. She can’t. She’s, like, eleven years old. She probably doesn’t even have a passport.”

  What the hell was he thinking? Fay? My cousin, Fay?

  Jax leaned back. That flimsy desk creaked.

  “She’s nineteen. Remember, you went to her birthday party just before the tour? And she knows all our songs. When she was staying with you over the summer, she could sing our stuff as good as Miles. Some of them, even better. And, if she can’t, you can.”

  “She’s way too young.”

  He sighed. “She could play bass, you play guitar. We could do it. Get her on the next plane. Book a rehearsal space, and we’ll work our guts out for the next few days. It’s not that difficult. We might have to change the set around a bit to accommodate her, but she’s the ideal fill-in.”

  My young cousin, Fay, often stayed with me over the summer holidays. She loved hanging around our rehearsal studio, and she was every bit as talented as Jax had said. She’d been learning all our songs on bass, too. She wanted to join our band. Not just wanted to; she’d pleaded with me. If she was a few years older, it might work out, but she was far too young. Nineteen was way too young to be on a European tour.

  “I don’t even know if she’d agree.”

  “She’ll agree.”

  “Aunty Pam mightn’t let her.”

  “Aunty Pam couldn’t stop her. You’re making up excuses, and you’re ruining our future. All because you’re too piss-weak to apologize to Damo.”

  I glared at him. He looked away, tapping against his denim-clad legs. He’d stay here forever, doing just that, unless I agreed. But I couldn’t go begging to Damo. Maybe if I’d kept things on a professional level, I’d be able to do it, but not now, not after the sex and the other stuff. Stuff that had meant nothing to him.

  “You said you’d do anything for this band, anything to get us to the top.” Jax stopped drumming his jeans for a minute.

  “I didn’t mean this.”

  “Jesus, Polly, you’re going to agree in the end, so let’s stop talking around it and go talk to Damo. The sooner you do it, the sooner we can get Fay on a plane and start rehearsing.”

  I threw my pillow at him. “Why’s he even asking me to do this? He wants me to humiliate myself. He could’ve just said yes to you, but instead, he’s being a sadistic bastard.”

  “I think he wants to make sure you’re serious, Polly.”

  He tossed the pillow back on the bed, and I hugged it to my chest.

  “It’s bullshit. Pure bullshit. I have my pride.”

  Jax sat down beside me. “Pride is all well and good. I’m all about pride, but pride doesn’t pay the bills, and pride doesn’t get you on the cover of Rolling Stone. In the end, pride is just a consolation prize. Go, talk to him. Then, when we’re outselling The Freaks, you can thumb your nose at him.”

  “Yeah, that’s easy for you to say. You aren’t the one who has to grovel to him.”

  Jax sighed. I knew he was right, but knowing that and actually getting off this bed and walking down the hallway to Damo’s room were two different things. It wasn’t just a case of saying I was sorry. He’d gone from red-hot in the afternoon to ice cold tonight. I didn’t want special treatment because we’d screwed, but some acknowledgment that he had feelings beyond his career would’ve been nice.

  I didn’t want to tell Jax that, though. I didn’t want to look like some pathetic loser, falling for a guy because he’d paid me some attention. Screw Damo. If he could be all business, so could I. I’d go apologize. I’d say the words I needed to say and ignore those feelings.

  But this was probably all a waste of time. Damo wanted us to audition for him, of all the insulting ideas, and who even knew if we’d be good enough for him. We’d have the expense and the trouble of flying Fay out here with no guarantee it wouldn’t all be over at the end of the week.

  I hated the part of me that wanted those extra four days with Damo. Four days of not talking and maybe not even seeing him, but four days in the same city and the same hotel. I really was a desperate loser.

  “Fine, then. Call Fay.”

  Jax grinned and clapped his hands. “You call her. She’s your cousin.”

  “Hell, Jax, do I have to do everything?”

  “Hey, you’re the one who punched Miles.”

  “Are you saying this is all my fault?”

  “I’m saying you got the fun bit, so you can do some of the shit work. Did it feel good? I bet it did. God, I wish I’d gotten a punch in myself before he left the tour.”

  “He’s left already?”

  “Yep. Damo told him to pack his bags and get out of here. He’s on the plane right now.”

  I guessed that was something. I didn’t have to worry about running into him in the hallway or any of that other stuff.

  I peeled myself off the bed. I’d do this. I’d go to Damo’s room.

  I got to the door, then turned back. This might be all business but I could fix my hair and makeup first.

  Chapter 28: Damo

  This time when I heard the knock, I knew it was Polly. Why the hell was my pulse racing so hard? She meant nothing to me.

  I wanted to rush to the door, but I made myself take it slowly. I had to be calm about this. We weren’t a couple, not even an estranged couple. A few days, that was all it’d been, so why did I feel like I now had a huge hole in my life? I had to get over this thing and get over it fast.

  She stepped into the room without even looking at me. She looked like she was walking to her own execution. Hell, was it that hard for her to apologize to me? I wasn’t asking that much.

  She stood just inside the doorway, her arms folded over her chest.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean to embarrass you onstage.”

  I nodded. I wasn’t sure if she saw that, though. She stared at the carpet as though those green swirls were the answer to all life’s problems. I wanted her to look up. If she looked at me, if she gave me one sign, I’d tell her it was all okay. Just one tiny sign. But she didn’t look up.

  “Jax said you wanted me to ask you for another chance. If we can get my cousin out here to fill in for Miles, I’d really appreciate it if you let us stay on the tour.”

  So formal. There was nothing there. Nothing at all. Just this stiff formality. I couldn’t do a damn thing. Everything about her was calling to me, despite her stiffness. Her soft skin, her silky hair, even the way she’d folded her arms.

  “If you can do that, I’ll listen to you play. If I think she’s good enough, you can stay on the tour. You can pay for her flight out here. If she works out, we’ll reimburse you. If not, then we’ll pay for you and Jax to fly home.”

  I sounded like a cold bastard even to myself, but I wasn’t sure how else I could play this. I’d thought everything was good between us, but that fragile thing had shattered so easily. I couldn’t even meet her halfway. I wasn’t prepared to make a fool of myself just to have her reject me. She was the one who’d screwed things up. She should be making the first step. But she obviously didn’t want to do that.

  “That works for me,” she said.

  With that, she moved to the door, then she hesitated for a moment. I wanted her to turn, to look at me. I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted after that, but there had to be something. She
was being all business, and that was what I wanted, surely. All along, I’d wanted her to act more professionally. I’d gotten my wish, and now it hurt like hell.

  She inhaled, then turned the doorknob. Without even a goodbye, she left.

  After she’d gone, this suite seemed way too big for me. What the hell was I meant to do? I was too worked up to sleep. I couldn’t work. I wanted to race after her and make this right, but if she had no feelings for me, there was nothing to make right.

  It made me wish I was Elijah. He’d punch a hole in the wall, or go out and get into a fight. That kind of primal release. It must feel good.

  I thought about punching that wall, but instead, I sighed and headed to the sofa. Maybe I could lose myself in some crappy movie. I wasn’t the punching walls type. I wasn’t usually the wallowing type, either, but it seemed that wallowing was all I had left. It seemed a bit piss-weak, but I couldn’t make a poor wall suffer for my pain.

  Before I could turn on the TV, Elijah came into my room.

  “Crow and I are going for a drink, and you’re going with us. No arguments. Just get your ass out to the van.”

  I raised my eyebrows, preparing to argue with him. But then, why? Maybe going out drinking with the boys would be a lot better than sulking in my room. I had a lot of sorrows to drown.

  I grabbed my jacket and followed him.

  Chapter 29: Polly

  I was going to wait until morning to call Fay, then I realized that with the time difference, it wasn’t so late there. Better to call her straightaway. The sooner she got here, the sooner we could get this thing started.

  “Hey, kiddo,” I said. “How do you feel about flying to Berlin to take over from Miles as front man?”

  I had to hold the phone away from my ear so her screams wouldn’t deafen me. God, she had a set of lungs on her. I was pretty sure I could’ve heard her without the phone.

  “That’s a yes, I take it.”

  “Yes, yes, a million times yes! Oh, man, this is—words not good. Oh, what do I pack? When do I leave?”

  I laughed. Even though I felt as miserable as hell, Fay’s excitement was contagious. If she got to tour with us, it’d be one bright spot in the misery. She’d keep my spirits up and give me a buffer zone. She could really be a lot of fun if you were in the mood.

  I told her about the audition thing.

  “No worries,” she said. “I’ll knock his jocks off.”

  “It’s socks, not jocks.”

  “Why would you want to knock socks off someone?” she said, giggling.

  “Do you have a passport?” I asked her.

  It’d be a huge setback if she didn’t. How long did it take to get a passport? Weeks? Hell.

  “Der, yeah. I went to the Bahamas last winter, remember?”

  Now that she’d mentioned it, I had a vague memory of her talking about it. A lot of the time, when Fay talked, it ended up a huge blur. She would talk as if she were underwater with a mouthful of marbles. Thinking of that gave me another concern. How would The Freaks guys cope with such a bundle of energy on tour with them? As sweet as Fay was, it could be like having an untrained kitten around.

  “Okay, I’ll get you booked on a flight. You need to get here asap. Miles has left the band.”

  “Because you punched him?”

  “Yeah, partly. Hey, how do you know about that?”

  My heart sank. These things got out so fast.

  “The Internet.”

  “Shiiiiiit. Not already.”

  “The peeps love that shit, Polly. You know it. Don’t worry—any publicity is good publicity. Are you really dating Damo? I guess not, or you wouldn’t have punched Miles. Hey, I have to go. I need to pack, and I need to Instagram myself packing. This is an historical moment that needs to be recorded.”

  “Cool. I’ll send you through the flight details. And, Fay—”

  “Yeah?”

  “Maybe you could cool the enthusiasm when you’re around the guys here. Not too much, but maybe take the edge off a little.”

  I didn’t want to repress Fay’s natural bubbliness, but she could be a bit over the top, especially when she got excited. I didn’t want her annoying anyone or being too perky. Mostly, I didn’t want to give Damo any more reasons to criticize me.

  “Sure. Okay, got to go.”

  After I’d hung up, I checked flights. Then I called her back.

  “There’s a flight, but you’d need to be at the airport in an hour. Can you do that?”

  “Shit, Polly, with driving time, I’ll have to leave, like, now. I can do it. I can definitely do it. MOM! Can you drive me to the airport, like, now?”

  I rubbed my ear. That yelling.

  “Don’t worry about packing too much,” I told you. “We can buy you stuff here, or you can borrow mine. Just make that flight.”

  “Yep, sure. Wow, Polly, see you in a few hours.”

  With everything organized, I went to Jax’s room.

  “She’ll be here in the morning,” I told him. “Are you sure this is a good idea? I’m exhausted just from being on the phone with her. I’d forgotten how on she always is.”

  “Yeah, not everyone can be as chill as you.” He laughed. “It’ll be fine. What would you rather? Fay’s energy or Miles’ negativity?”

  “Point. Let’s go out and get drunk. I need something after all this shit.”

  Jax sat up and grinned. He was always up for a drinking session, even if it meant dealing with my misery.

  “You know Fay will be much harder to deal with if you have a hangover.”

  “Yeah, don’t care. Tomorrow can look after itself. Anyway, a good case of jet lag might calm her down.”

  Chapter 30: Damo

  I was supposed to be drowning my sorrows, but it looked like they’d followed me here. We’d just settled into the bar when I saw her. Even though it was one of those dark, womb-like bars, you couldn’t help but notice her. She sat on the other side of the room with Jax, the two of them laughing over something. In the darkness of the room, she glowed like a candle, the vibrancy of her not suppressed but enhanced by the gloom.

  She looked way too happy. Every tinkle of her laughter was a punch to my chest. Sure, she could be happy. Nothing that had happened meant one little thing to her. She’d moved on already. But I couldn’t. Since I’d met her, there’d been a seismic shift inside me. I didn’t know what that meant, and I didn’t know exactly what it was; I just knew that the way the bits of me had always fit together no longer worked.

  “Let’s go somewhere else,” I said.

  “Nah,” Elijah said. “I’ve been here a few times. It’s a cool place.”

  Crow just sat in the corner, sipping his beer. He looked like he had no fucks to give either way.

  “I said I wanted to go somewhere else,” I said. “There are hundreds of bars in this city. Why do we need to drink at this one?”

  Elijah turned in his seat and followed my gaze.

  “Aha, I see your problem. But, really, Damo, if she’s staying on the tour, you have to get used to being around her. You can’t spend the entire European tour avoiding her. That’d be straight-up redonk. Just deal. Hell, if I avoided every chick I’ve ever slept with, I’d be a hermit.”

  He had a point. A stupid point, but a point nonetheless. I couldn’t avoid her, but I didn’t want to look like I was stalking her, either. I had my pride. Maybe I should just go chat up some chick at the bar, show her that I’d moved on too. It wasn’t like I couldn’t find someone else, even if the thought of being with anyone else filled me with an infinite misery.

  “Don’t look now, but she’s spotted you,” Crow said.

  Now I’d be consciously trying not to look. It’d been bad enough before, my gaze being drawn to her no matter what I did. It wasn’t like there was much else to look at in this bar.

  “Swap seats with me,” I said to Elijah.

  From where he was sitting, he couldn’t see Polly without purposely turning. It’d be much ea
sier for me sitting there.

  He sighed but got up.

  “We should just invite them to join us,” Elijah said. “It’d be a lot more mature than this seat-swapping.”

  “No!” That was the last thing I wanted.

  Elijah and Crow swapped glances, both smirking. That just made me angrier.

  “I don’t think the two of you are taking this seriously enough. She’s screwed things up. There’s shit all over the Internet about it.”

  Elijah patted my arm. Condescendingly.

  “It’s okay, Damo. It’ll blow over in a few days. I think this goes much deeper. It’s not the publicity shitting you, it’s because you like her. For fuck’s sake, man, just go over and tell her. No, don’t even tell her. Pull her into your arms and kiss the words into her. You only get one shot at this life, and you’re going to end up a lonely old man curled up with your guitar at night. That’s not what you really want.”

  “Just shut up, okay?”

  Elijah shut up, but then the three of us sat in silence. He could say shit like that because no woman ever meant a thing to him for longer than it took him to blow.

  Techno music played a little too loud in the background, and a hum of German voices surrounded us, all unintelligible to my ears. Did people find all that noise enjoyable?

  I ached to turn, but I wouldn’t give in to that temptation. No matter what, I wouldn’t turn around. I wouldn’t acknowledge that she was here.

  “Who’s she getting in to replace Miles?” Crow asked. “I hope he’s not another tosser.”

  “Dunno. She didn’t say. Her cousin, that’s all I know.”

  “Do you think he’ll cut it?” he asked.

  “I don’t know. I know nothing about the replacement or the band or anything else. All I know is that she has someone flying in.”

  I might’ve snapped, but I didn’t want to discuss it.

  “They can’t be great, or they’d have replaced that shithead already, especially if there was some talented cousin just sitting around twirling their thumbs. I don’t think—”