Guitar Freak

by Candy J. Starr

  Fuck. I’d totally screwed up that bit of the song. I’d fucked the chords up. Sung the wrong vocals. Crow and Elijah exchanged glances, and Matty wouldn’t look at me. I never screwed up, but that had been a royal mess. I kept playing, hoping not too many of the crowd had noticed. My playing felt flat, though. Everything felt flat.

  The past few nights, I’d ignored my feelings. I had a show to put on, and people were paying money to see me, so I put on the image and focused all my energy on the shows. Tonight, though, I couldn’t muster that energy. I’d given it all. There was nothing left of me. I’d become a husk.

  Where had it gone? The magic? Even going through the motions seemed like more than I could handle.

  The others stepped in, filling the gap I’d left on that stage. Elijah toyed with the audience, almost flirting with his bass. Matty took over some of my parts. I still sang, I still played, but all the energy and tension I put into each show had disappeared.

  It was one show. Maybe I was coming down with a cold. I’d rest. I’d be better tomorrow. It wasn’t like this was going to happen forever.

  As I walked offstage, I grabbed a towel and wiped my face.

  “What the hell was going on out there?” Elijah said.

  “Huh?”

  “That nothingness. That dead heart.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  I couldn’t bullshit Elijah. I didn’t even know why I was trying. I sounded like a pathetic kid.

  Elijah grabbed me and threw me against the wall, his face almost touching mine.

  “Listen, buddy. If that had been me or Crow or Matty, you be going ballistic now. Telling us to get our shit sorted out so it doesn’t affect the band. You need to live by your own words, Damo. This thing is bleeding over into your performance, and you need to sort it out. I don’t want to be the merciless bastard here. I’ll leave that up to you. But you have issues, Damo, and you need to deal with them.”

  He let go of me and walked backstage.

  I stared at him as he walked off, not sure if I wanted to punch him or not. Not a word he’d said had been wrong.

  Fartstard came up as I walked backstage and put his arm around my shoulders.

  “Nice show,” he said.

  I shook him off. Man hugs from Fartstard weren’t something I wanted to deal with at the best of times.

  Screw it. I had to go back to the hotel. I’d go back, and I’d tell Polly she could stay on the tour, no matter what. No audition, no conditions. I’d been a dick. I knew that.

  “Organize the van. I’m going straight back to the hotel,” I told Fartstard.

  “That might not be the best idea,” he said. “There’s a lot of groupies gathered around.”

  I glared at him to let him know I didn’t care.

  “Okay, just warning you.”

  It’d take more than a pack of groupies to keep me away from Polly. I needed to see her, and I needed to see her tonight. I had to make this right, regardless of what it took.

  Chapter 34: Damo

  “Ready to go,” Fartstard said.

  As we drove out, a bunch of girls rushed the van. Idiots. Did they think we’d stop? Did they think they were achieving anything? All I cared about was getting to Polly.

  But when I got back to the hotel, she wasn’t there. I knocked on her door and got no answer. I paced the hallway and knocked again. After half an hour of pacing and knocking, I went to the reception desk and asked if she was in her room.

  “It seems not,” the clerk said.

  What could I do? I sat in the lobby, hoping she’d just gone out to get something to eat and would be back soon. But maybe she was at the rehearsal studio. She could be there all night. I had no idea what hours she kept now. All I knew was that I wanted to see her. I wanted that more than anything else in this world. Sure, I could wait until tomorrow. I’d see her for sure then, but tomorrow was so far away, and I wanted her now. I wanted... Hell, I had no idea what I wanted. But I did want her.

  I’d barely laughed for the last few years. I never had fun or relaxed. I’d been so wrapped up in my music. The drive for success had blazed inside of me, not letting anything else in. Then she’d knocked that all down. She made me laugh. With her, life might not be easy and it might not be calm, but when she was by my side, it’d been infinitely better.

  Something inside me knew I had to tell her that, and I had to tell her before I made her go through a stupid audition.

  I waited. I sat on one of the sofas where I could see the doors. She couldn’t get into this hotel without me spotting her.

  An hour passed. The desk clerk eyed me as though I was under suspicion, but I sat and waited. I didn’t even get out my phone or pick up a magazine. I watched that door with a fiery intensity, willing her to walk through it.

  Every time it opened, I half-jumped up, wanting to rush to her. But it was never her. There was a stack of tourists and businessmen coming in and out, but not one single Polly.

  Two hours passed. I was a fool for waiting, but I had no other option.

  A couple of girls came over and asked for autographs. They wanted a picture with me. I had nothing else to do, so I agreed. I signed their tickets and let them take a few selfies. Polly hung out with her fans, I remembered. She made friends with them. I couldn’t go that far, but a few photos wouldn’t hurt.

  Before three hours had passed, the rest of the guys had returned to the hotel. I could hear them even before I saw them. Damn bands making a commotion. As he walked through the lobby, Elijah shot me a look, but I just shrugged. Elijah kept walking.

  I could ask Crow the address of their rehearsal space, but I refused to stoop that low. I had to maintain some pride. Anyway, if I rushed there, I might cross them on the way back. Or they could be somewhere else. Anywhere in this city. Waiting in the lobby was the best option. She had to return sometime.

  I was pretty sure the autograph girls had walked through the lobby more times than necessary. They had other people with them, too. I didn’t pay them much attention, and even though they kept glancing in my direction, they didn’t bother me again.

  My head got heavy, and, despite my determination to watch that damn door, I must’ve dozed off. One of the staff shook me awake.

  “I’m afraid you can’t sleep here,” he said. “You’ll have to go to your room.”

  I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts, not sure where I was at first. The hotel lobby? Yep. Still no Polly, though. Unless she’d slipped by while I was sleeping.

  “Sorry, sir, but we need to get you to leave the lobby. We’ve been trying to ensure your privacy, but it’s becoming a bit difficult.”

  As the befuddlement left my brain, I followed his gaze. A group of about 20 girls on the other side of the lobby, a rope barrier had been erected around them. The two autograph girls stood in the middle of the group.

  When my gaze hit them, a couple of the girls screamed. That was bullshit. I could see why the staff were concerned. Those girls were causing a nuisance for the other guests.

  I apologized.

  “No problem. It’s just that the group is getting larger, and we were worried they might do something...”

  I nodded and stood up. More screams from those girls.

  “Damo, marry me!” one of them screamed as I walked to the elevator.

  I wondered if, ever in the history of the world, a proposal like that had had any effect. It seemed unlikely.

  “Where’s Polly?” one of them shouted.

  That was the question. Where was she? Those groupies knew as much as I did.

  “Are you dating her? Please don’t date her.”

  “She’s a bitch.”

  I’d been so wrapped up in my own problems, I had no idea what’d been going on with social media since Miles had dropped his bombshell. It made sense that people thought we were dating. We hadn’t denied it, and Polly hadn’t officially left the tour. I pressed the button for the elevator, thinking the fangirls would
soon get bored and leave.

  Then I heard screams. Ear-piercing screams, like the world was ending.

  “There she is!” someone shrieked.

  I turned to see Polly entering the lobby. Then all hell broke loose.

  Chapter 35: Polly

  We had to be perfect before we left the rehearsal space. It was now or never, with the audition in the morning. Preferably not “never”.

  “Once more,” I said.

  “I’m getting my scarf,” Fay said. “Otherwise, I’ll die of hypothermia before we ever get to play.”

  The heating had stopped working in the rehearsal studio, and it felt like an icebox, but I wasn’t leaving until we’d done one last run-through.

  The thought of seeing Damo again tomorrow made my belly feel like lead. How would he respond? Would he be angry or cold? I’d put good money on cold. At least his coldness would be fair. He wouldn’t let his emotions sway him. Still, he’d be judging us. Our future was in his hands. If it’d been like that at the start, before we’d ever joined the tour, I’d have been more than happy to audition for him, but this audition was different. It seemed to me that it wasn’t just our music being judged, but me, as a person.

  I’d play it cool. I could be as cool and emotionless as he was. I’d been working on it as hard as I’d worked on the music. My heart might be breaking on the inside, but on the outside with Jax and Fay, I’d been all sunshine and smiles. There’d been one morning in the shower when I’d let myself cry, but my tears had washed away with the shower water and no one had seen them, so that didn’t count.

  I’d timed leaving and returning to the hotel so we’d have little chance of running into Damo. I tried not to look for him. I tried not to think of him. Every time he entered my mind, I pushed those thoughts away. I had to focus on my playing.

  I’d only played guitar on our songs before, in rehearsal or mucking around. Miles hated me doing it. But it hadn’t taken that long to pick up the basics. Trouble was, I wanted to be way, way beyond the basics.

  “Okay, let’s be perfect,” I said when Fay came back.

  “Did you hear about Damo?” she asked.

  My chest tightened. What the hell had happened? My mind raced through every possible scenario, the worst possible things.

  She had that look on her face like she was bursting with the news she was holding in, but at her age, she was like that about everything. A broken nail, a bad score in her game.

  “Tell me.”

  “The show tonight—it was a disaster,” she said, all wide-eyed. “He couldn’t play. He fucked up onstage. Man, even someone like him can bum out.”

  “Says who?” I asked her. I hoped she was exaggerating. Damo never fucked up.

  She held out her phone and showed me the report. Hell, it was true. It wasn’t a totally bad review, but it did mention Damo not being with it.

  Jax exchanged looks with me. I knew what he was thinking. This was my fault. Damo never made mistakes. He was the consummate performer. Always focused, always working it. I’d screwed that.

  I put down the guitar. I was still using the loaner one because I’d had no time to go out and buy one. Good thing I hadn’t wasted my money.

  “Let’s go back to the hotel,” I said. I sounded grim even to myself.

  “Huh? We were doing another run-through.”

  I hated to voice my feelings, but I had to be fair to Jax and Fay. “I’m pulling out of the tour.”

  I’d said it. I might be the world’s biggest bitch doing that to them, but I had to. I couldn’t go on pretending I should be here when I’d just caused pain for Damo. Everything I’d done had hurt him. He’d have never screwed up onstage unless he was in a whole world of pain. I’d been the reason the rumors had started. I’d punched Miles, and I’d been the one who’d turned the whole tour into a media circus, and that would never stop while I was around.

  I waited for both of them to scream at me—punch me, even. But nothing.

  “If that’s the way you feel,” Jax said. “I know I tried to talk you out of quitting before, but you’ve had time to think things through. I don’t agree, but I’ll respect your decision.”

  Fay pouted. “I hate your decision, but I’m still in the band, right? I get to play with you guys even if it’s not a European tour?”

  I nodded.

  “And I got to come to Berlin. It’s been a fun adventure. You do what you need to do, Polly. I haven’t even been around to have a vote in this. So, can we leave soon? This freezing hell, I mean, not Berlin, ‘cause I need get a hot drink.”

  I rushed over and hugged them both close to me, my decision to be unemotional be damned. These two were the best. I loved having this band with no egos and no bitchiness.

  “God, Polly, your hands are like icicles,” Jax said. “We need to get out of here. And screw it, get a real cab. I’m not waiting outside in the freezing cold for hours for a damn Uber.”

  Now that I’d made the decision, all I wanted to do was tell Damo. Even though sending him a text was tempting as hell, I knew I had to do it face-to-face. I couldn’t be pathetic enough to not face him. He’d be asleep by now, though, so it’d have to wait until morning. I’d never sleep tonight, even though my body was drooping with exhaustion. My mind would never stop.

  Luckily, the cab came fast. Now that I’d stopped playing, the cold really hit me.

  “God, there’s a crowd at the hotel,” Jax said as we pulled up. “Something going on in town that we don’t know about?”

  “Nothing I can think of,” I said. “But I’m as out of the loop as you are.”

  “I’ve checked all the ‘what’s on’ listings,” Fay said. “Nothing much happening except The Freaks’ tour.”

  There’d been a few girls loitering around the hotel while we were there. Not anything to worry about, just a few groupies desperate for a glimpse of the guys. Other than that, the place had been pretty chill.

  We got out of the cab and headed into the hotel. Hopefully, we could get through the crowd and up to our rooms without a fuss.

  “There she is!” someone screamed as I walked in the door.

  Huh? What was happening?

  I didn’t have time to process a damn thing before a mob swooped in on me. They pushed me to the floor. I screamed, but my screams just mixed into the cacophony of screaming all around me. These girls were vicious and bloodthirsty, and they were all gunning for me.

  Someone pulled my hair. Someone else kicked me.

  I called out again. Without meaning to, I called Damo’s name. Not that he’d hear me. He’d be upstairs, asleep in his bed.

  Before they stuck again, I got my hands up to protect my face. All I could see around me were legs and feet. Hands reached out for me, striking blows. Pain pounded through my body.

  I heard Fay scream. I hoped she was okay. I couldn’t do a damn thing to protect her.

  If I could curl into a ball, I’d be safer, but I had no room to move. I couldn’t get to my feet. I couldn’t even fight back. There were a mob, and they wanted my blood.

  I wasn’t sure how long I’d been on the floor, but I heard some authoritative voices, and the blows stopped. Even though the attack had stopped, I didn’t want to get to my feet. I had no idea where they’d come from.

  “Leave Damo alone!” I heard someone yell as they got dragged off.

  Stupid girl. That’s what I’d intended to do. She didn’t need to attack me.

  Then strong arms closed around me, picked me up off the floor and carried me somewhere. I couldn’t open my eyes, but I knew that scent. Maybe I’d gone into some kind of hallucinative coma, but I could swear it was Damo.

  Chapter 36: Damo

  Those crazed groupies had all been corralled into a corner of the lobby until the police could arrive. I lifted Polly up and carried her over to one of the sofas. I wanted to take her to my room, but first I wanted to be sure she was okay, no bones broken, that kind of thing. If need be, I’d take her to the nearest hospi
tal.

  The hotel manager came over to me as I was examining her, and a young girl rushed to her side. I tried to push her away, thinking she was one of the groupies.

  “Let me go. I need to know if she’s hurt,” the girl said.

  Then Jax came over to join us. “It’s okay. She’s Polly’s cousin.”

  I barely took that in. I’d expected Polly’s cousin to be older. And a guy.

  “Fine, but we need to clear some space around her.” I glared at the hotel manager. He seemed the most superfluous one here.

  “We need to know if you want to press charges,” the hotel manager said. “It could get complicated.”

  I hesitated, still more concerned about Polly than anything else. She gave a little groan, and I reached for her hand, then gave it a little squeeze to reassure her.

  “We won’t be pressing charges.” Fartstard had popped up beside me. Another superfluous person.

  “We won’t?” I glared at him. He couldn’t make a decision like that.

  “There’s no way we can make this look good. It’ll be a PR nightmare. It’s easier just to let these girls go. They were a bit high-spirited, but no harm done.”

  I looked down at Polly’s bruised face. If they hadn’t been stopped, God knew what they’d have done to her. That wasn’t high spirits, that was criminal spirits. If they got away this time, they’d be just as violent in the future. Also, screw them. I wanted them charged. I wanted someone to lock them up and throw away the key. They’d tried to destroy the most precious thing in my life.

  “No harm done? You are fucking kidding me.” My voice rose as a weight pressed against my chest. “They could’ve killed her. Nobody’s getting away with that.”

  “Whoa, Damo, steady on,” Fartstard said, putting his hands up.

  The urge to punch something became almost overwhelming, and Fartstard was the nearest thing to me. I couldn’t punch those girls, but if he insisted on letting them leave, he’d be my target.