Nothing to Lose

by Clare Lydon

  Scarlet couldn’t go there — she simply couldn’t.

  Yet, all the while, despite the ticker-tape of doubt playing in her brain, there were also rays of hope sliding through. Hope, laced with fear and excitement. The usual feelings when it came to meeting new women. Would Joy even entertain the idea of her and Scarlet? The town mayor with the town misfit?

  Scarlet shook her head, then covered it with her pillow.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Joy woke up the next day raring to go; it was amazing what a full night’s sleep could do for you. She lay under her heavy winter duvet, phone in hand, checking Twitter to see what damage the overnight rain had done. It didn’t seem as bad as they’d expected, which was something. However, there was more rain forecast for today, and the extra water meant the floods hadn’t receded as swiftly as anticipated. It was going to be touch and go whether Scarlet would be able to get back into her flat today, and Joy could only imagine how she’d take that news. She hoped she’d had a good night’s sleep, too, and woken up refreshed after last night’s meltdown.

  And what would Scarlet make of Joy, now she knew the truth? Of course, she wasn’t going to judge Joy for being a lesbian: Joy wasn’t worried about that. But Joy had been married to a man — how did that sit with Scarlet? She hadn’t reacted adversely, so Joy hoped she was fine with it; she had to believe she was.

  Scarlet was the first person outside her close circle Joy had come out to. Her gran knew, Steve knew, her friend Wendy knew, but it wasn’t out in the wider world. Joy had meant to do it gradually, but it’d been harder than she thought, with 38 years of denial to unpick. Then, when she’d been selected as town mayor, Joy had been scared to go public fully.

  Scarlet was the first new person she’d felt comfortable enough to share with.

  Scarlet was significant.

  Joy threw back her covers and hopped into her ultra-fluffy dressing gown, a Christmas present to herself. Without a husband or girlfriend to buy for her now, Joy put extra effort into buying for herself on big occasions these days, especially now she had a public image to maintain. She worked hard so she deserved it, and this dressing gown was perfect. Because the other plus point about buying gifts for yourself was that you got exactly what you wanted every single time.

  Joy was just about to turn the handle on her door when she heard movement on the landing. Scarlet was up. She hesitated. Was this the best presentation of herself, pyjamas and a dressing gown?

  She stepped back and checked herself in the mirror. Her hair was flat, not sticking up, and she’d already cleaned the sleep from her eyes. Natural, that was the look she was going for. If she suddenly began getting dressed and putting on make-up to go to breakfast, that would be even weirder. It was Scarlet, not the queen.

  Joy gave herself a pep-up wink in her bedroom mirror, before heading down the stairs and into the kitchen. Grey clouds were still looming, visible via the skylight overhead. But crucially, they didn’t look quite as foreboding as they had the day before. Perhaps today would be a better day in the town. She was crossing her fingers, her toes, her eyes — whatever could be crossed, Joy was crossing it.

  “Morning,” Scarlet said from behind her, making Joy jump. She replaced the kettle in its holder and twisted around. Scarlet was fully dressed; Joy guessed she hadn’t had time to pack a dressing gown.

  “Morning,” Joy replied. “How you feeling?” Scarlet appeared refreshed, her skin less taut than it had been when she ran out of the kitchen the previous evening.

  Scarlet plonked herself down on one of the breakfast bar stools, reprising her position from last night. “Loads better after a proper night’s sleep,” she said, yawning. “You shouldn’t have such comfortable guest beds: rule number one, my mum used to say.” Scarlet shifted her position on the stool.

  “I shouldn’t?”

  Scarlet shook her head. “Nope. Makes guests stay longer and come back more often. My mum would have had them sleeping on barbed wire camp beds if she’d had her way. Luckily, my dad was a bit kinder.”

  Joy smiled. “Your mum sounds like a right character.”

  Scarlet smiled right back, beaming at the thought of her mum. “She really was.” Then she paused. “But I also feel like I made a right tit of myself last night.” Scarlet winced, before meeting Joy’s eyeline. “Sorry I was rude, it’d just been a long day.”

  Joy waved a hand through the air to demonstrate how little it mattered. “You weren’t rude at all. If anything, you’re holding up remarkably well.” Then she busied herself making tea, before setting it down in front of Scarlet. “So what are your plans today? Apart from letting me make you a slap-up breakfast, in celebration of your first Sunday here.”

  Joy leaned against the counter, folding her arms across her chest. She wanted to spoil Scarlet, to support her, to show her that the whole world wasn’t out to get her. She had her fingers crossed Scarlet would let her, but she was aware it’d be a hard sell.

  Scarlet stared up at the skylight, furrowing her forehead as she did.

  “Depends on that,” she said, pointing upwards. “If it decides to chuck another load of water on us today, I still might not be able to get into my flat. But if the weather gods are smiling on us, who knows?” She sighed. “Failing that, I thought I’d go back to see Dan, the one I mentioned who has cancer, see if he needs any more help.” Scarlet paused. “How about you?”

  Joy pursed her lips. “More emergency meetings after lunch, and when I’m not at those, I’ll be helping out where I can.”

  “If you make it back in time, do you fancy watching a film later? I feel like I need a shot of normality in my day.”

  “I like the sound of that a lot,” Joy said, burying her head in the fridge, before emerging with bacon, sausage, eggs, and tomatoes. “Feels like we’ve been running around chasing our tails forever, and today I’ve been summoned to the town hall again. I’m sure we can find something suitably trashy on Netflix. Maybe even dredge up an old lesbian film from my limited collection. I went on a spree and bought a ton when I left Steve.” Joy flashed Scarlet a grin.

  Scarlet raised an eyebrow at her. “Oh really?” she said. “I hope you’ve watched all the classics.”

  “Let’s see,” Joy said, beginning to count on her fingers. “I bought High Art, and that was a barrel of laughs,” she began.

  Scarlet snorted. “You should have checked the reviews before you bought that one. That was from an era when all lesbian movies had to end with someone dying. Luckily, we’ve gone beyond that now. Well, sort of.”

  “Thank goodness!” Joy said. “It was beautifully shot, but I was utterly depressed by the end. Heroin chic to the hilt, mind.”

  “Absolutely.”

  Joy continued counting on her fingers. “Then there was Imagine Me & You, which I loved, and Better Than Chocolate, which I believe falls into the so-bad-it’s-good category. But I’m A Cheerleader was fab, but then I watched The Kids Are Alright and wanted to slap Julianne Moore, even though I love her. What was she doing sleeping with that bloke?”

  Scarlet laughed. “That’s something else that had to happen in lesbian films of yore, the woman runs off with a guy. I know it does happen, but not as often as Hollywood would have you believe.” Scarlet paused. “Have you watched the L Word yet?”

  Joy shook her head; she knew she should have, but she just hadn’t had the time. Her friend Wendy had even bought her the first series, but it was still sitting on her shelf, waiting to be watched. “I haven’t yet, but it’s on my list.”

  Scarlet let her mouth hang open in mock-shock. “Well there’s our evening sorted — we can watch the entire first series, the best by a country mile. And you get to have an education on how impossibly glamorous and rich lesbians live in LA. It’s very close to how we all live here, obviously.”

  Joy let out a bark of laughter. “I’m sure it’s exactly like living in Lancashire,” she laughed. “I take it you want a full English, by the way?”

  Scarlet no
dded, a smile slowly spreading across her face. “I really like this hotel, have I mentioned that?” She blew on her tea before taking a sip.

  “Make the most of it,” Joy said. “I’ve cooked for two days in a row now — unheard of.” She sliced open the packet of bacon with a knife. “I’m also planning on going up and visiting my gran today, if you fancy a change of scene,” Joy added, glancing up at Scarlet. She hadn’t planned on inviting her, but now she’d said it, it seemed to make sense. Scarlet didn’t know many people in the town, and the Grasspoint residents were a friendly bunch who always made her smile, so she assumed they’d do the same for her guest.

  She couldn’t gauge Scarlet’s reaction as her face stayed blank.

  “Just to check and see how everyone is,” Joy continued. “I worry about them more when something like this happens. But if you don’t fancy it, no problem at all.”

  Scarlet shook her head. “I’d love to come,” she said. “I’d give anything to still have my grandma here, so I’d love to meet yours. She sounds important to you.”

  “She is.” Joy smiled, a warmth flowing through her. Somehow, it was important to her that Scarlet meet her gran, even though Joy was well aware that introducing Scarlet to Clementine was going to send her grandma’s eyebrow-raising into orbit.

  ***

  After breakfast, Joy and Scarlet sat at the breakfast bar with two fresh mugs of tea, getting in an extra shot of caffeine before facing the day. Joy was semi-smart today in black trousers and a green shirt paired with a silk scarf: she was being mayor later, after all.

  “You know, I really do feel like I owe you an apology about last night,” Scarlet said, after taking her first sip of her new tea. She clasped her hands before continuing, as if wrestling the words, moulding them between her fingers. “We were having a laugh and you’d cooked me a lovely dinner, but then I went a bit weird and wandered off, so I’m sorry. I’m still a bit touchy when it comes to talking about my family. Plus, you were just being really lovely to me, and I didn’t want to break down. Not again.” She risked a glance at Joy, who was listening intently, her face a portrait of compassion.

  Scarlet ploughed on. “It’s just hard when something like this happens and you don’t have the normal support systems in place. It’s been a bit overwhelming and made my barriers come down, which is unnerving.” She took a large gulp of air before continuing. “Barriers haven’t been kind to me in the past few days, have they?”

  Joy smiled. “You might say that.”

  “But this is too big to face alone, so I know I shouldn’t try to…” Scarlet looked away, composing herself, trying to fight back the tears, but it was impossible. Since the flood, tears seemed to have moved into the spot in her make-up where cynicism and pessimism used to live.

  Joy reached over and gave her a tissue, before squeezing Scarlet’s knee to comfort her.

  Scarlet wobbled on her stool, the contact taking her by surprise. Now she knew Joy was a lesbian, every bit of contact had taken on new meaning. She took another deep breath before carrying on. Her brain was even more scrambled now than it had been before. Adrenaline fizzed round her body and all she could focus on was Joy’s hand. On her knee.

  Contact.

  With another woman.

  Who she was attracted to — she had no doubt about that now.

  “I really do appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I don’t know what I would have done otherwise.” Scarlet blew her nose as she finished, taking in Joy’s open, honest face. And now, for the first time, her soft, pink lips. It would be so easy to lean forward and kiss them now, but also slightly inappropriate when she still had snot and tears dripping from her eyes and nose. She had a feeling she wasn’t at her prettiest.

  “You have to stop thanking me, you know,” Joy said. “It’s been great having you, and I plan to help you get through this in any way I can, I mean it.” Joy leaned forward and took Scarlet’s hand.

  Scarlet forgot to breathe.

  “You’re not alone in this. I’m here for you 100 per cent, okay?” Joy ran her thumb lightly over Scarlet’s knuckles, but the gesture was so intimate, she might as well have just slipped her fingers inside her. Scarlet’s body went into high alert mode, all systems blaring. She concentrated on not hyperventilating or collapsing on the floor, which could be construed as a slight over-reaction.

  All that stuff she’d said about not wanting to get involved with Joy, not acting on what she was feeling? She was ready to chuck it aside at any moment, she knew that now. One move made by Joy and her resolve would crumble like a shortbread biscuit.

  Scarlet was pulled out of her reverie by a sudden knocking at the front door. She blinked and shuddered, and Joy did the same. They both locked eyes on their intertwined hands at the same moment, staring at them as if they were a bomb. Then Joy let go of Scarlet’s hand, before jumping up and running to get the door.

  Scarlet stared at her red hot hand. She clung to the breakfast bar to steady herself, then took a hefty slug of tea. She had to concentrate and remember to breathe.

  In, out; in, out.

  Scarlet heard the door open, then muffled voices, then the door shut. She turned on her stool, not quite sure what to say to Joy after their brief moment had been interrupted, but any words that had been forming fell away when Joy returned.

  She wasn’t alone. Standing beside her was a man in running gear, breathing heavily. He’d clearly just been out for a run, even in this dismal weather. That was commitment for you. Or madness.

  “Oh, I didn’t realise you had company,” he said, glancing at Joy.

  Then he looked at Scarlet and his face became a question mark.

  “This is Scarlet, her flat was flooded so she’s staying for a while till it dries out,” Joy said, walking over to the kettle and refilling it. It didn’t escape Scarlet’s notice that Joy wasn’t looking at either of them as she spoke. Plus, Joy’s voice, which had been light and airy, now had a sharp edge to it.

  “Scarlet, this is my ex-husband, Steve.”

  Scarlet accepted Steve’s outstretched hand, before grabbing another tissue from the box and blowing her nose. She must look a state; she hadn’t intended to have an audience for her tears. Especially not Joy’s ex-husband.

  “Sorry to hear about your flat,” Steve said, leaning against the kitchen counter like he belonged there. Which, Scarlet realised, he used to. But he didn’t anymore. In fact, he looked starkly out of place, all hot air and breathlessness in a kitchen where a moment had just been shared.

  “Terrible what’s happened.” He paused, glancing at Joy. “We’re the lucky ones, aren’t we? There but for the grace of god and all that.”

  Joy didn’t respond, just made Steve a cup of tea. Steve had waltzed in at exactly the wrong moment. It had been their moment, and then Steve had gatecrashed. Was this a regular occurrence? Scarlet had no idea.

  “So how much water got into your flat?” Steve was helping himself to biscuits from the tin on the side, like he lived here. “I was just on my way home from my jog and thought I’d check on Joy, see if she was okay. We might not be husband and wife anymore, but I still care,” he said with a smile. “Better to be safe than sorry.” He took a bite into his biscuit and grinned at Joy. “Glad to see you’re still stocking my favourite,” he told Joy through a mouthful of chocolate chip.

  “They’re my favourite, too.” Joy’s voice sliced through the air like a machete.

  Scarlet gave Joy a weak smile, which she hoped portrayed that she understood. Scarlet was picking up the vibes that Steve wasn’t welcome far quicker than Steve himself. Again, Scarlet pondered if this had been a regular occurrence in their marriage. She had a feeling it might have been.

  “In answer to your question,” she told Steve, “all of the water got into my flat. I live in a basement flat on Colville Road. My flat drowned.”

  Telling a stranger was totally different to telling Joy. Telling Steve felt like it was somebody else telling him, like it hadn’
t really happened to her. She was distancing herself from the reality and his reaction. She was going to have to get used to this reaction, she knew. Scarlet wasn’t one to take other people’s sympathy well. She remembered it from when her parents had died. What the hell did anybody else know about the situation she was in? It was her living it, after all.

  “That really sucks,” Steve said, his face contorting into a mask of sympathy. “Good job Joy was around to save the day. She’s like that, though. A model citizen, which is why she was the perfect choice for mayor.” He shot Joy an affectionate smile, before speaking with his mouth full again. Did it bother Joy as much as it bothered Scarlet? Some crumbs fell from his mouth and hit the floor. “So you just met the other night?”

  Scarlet shot Joy a glance, and she spied a fleeting panicked look gloss over Joy’s face. She didn’t blame her — Scarlet was confused by what was going on, too. The answer to Steve’s question was a simple yes, but somehow after the last 48 hours, it wasn’t so simple anymore. The playing field wasn’t level, and their relationship was so much more already than strangers who were being kind to each other.

  Steve looked from one to the other, then stopped chewing, his mouth now hanging open.

  “Oh,” he said. “Are you two… together?” He flicked his index finger towards Joy, then Scarlet, as reality dawned.

  “No!” Scarlet said, at exactly the same time as Joy, and both of them a little too sharply.

  Scarlet might as well have slapped the kitchen counter with her hand to accompany the words, such was their force. All three of them winced at the tone.

  “I mean, we’ve met before,” Scarlet said, blushing like they’d just been caught with their pants down. “I work at the council, so…” She tailed off, leaving Steve to fill in the rest of the blanks.

  Steve finally swallowed the biscuit he’d been chewing extra-slow, his chat now dried up. He shot a questioning glance towards Joy, but when she ignored him, he busied himself by tweaking the waistband of his track pants, then brushing down the front of his fluorescent top.