by Croft, Rose
“Rose,” I basically groaned. “Why can’t you let go and trust me?” I placed my hands on her cheeks. “What is going on in your head that makes you so distrustful?” I kissed her lightly on the lips. “I’m going to get through this barrier. I’m not giving up, so you better deal with it.” I could sense her defenses falling because she kept her mouth hovered near mine. “You’re mine, always.” I kissed her with all of the expertise that I had. With all the passion and love for her I felt. It was working because she moaned, and her hands crept up my neck wrapping around me.
Before the mouth play turned R-rated, I pulled back breathing hard because I’d missed her so damn much. I felt wetness on my thumbs as tears slipped down her cheeks. “Oh, baby, don’t do that. Why are you crying?” It nearly broke me seeing her upset.
She wouldn’t answer and leaned her forehead on my chest as she exhaled shakily. I gripped her head, holding her to me. Team members were beginning to file out on their way to the bus. “I have to fly back to Chicago, and I know it will be too late to call when I get back. Can I call you tomorrow?”
I felt her head move giving me consent.
“Will you take my call?”
Her body shook indicating she found that funny.
“Is that a yes?” I asked smiling kissing the top of her head.
“Yes.” Her voice vibrated against me.
Ten minutes later, we were making our way to the bus. I was holding Rose’s hand surrounded by our families. I could tell my mom and Ana had hit it off. Of course, my mother could make a stranger feel like a dear friend. She was one of the most outgoing people in the world. My dad and Robert, Rose’s dad, were talking about football now both being huge fans of the Cowboys who were in first place with a rookie quarterback. Andrew and Loren were in their own world, which always seemed that way with them.
After I hugged and said goodbye to everyone, I held Rose. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay.”
“I have to pack and make some arrangements, but I should be back in Dallas by Friday.”
She nodded. “Have a safe flight.”
“I love you,” I whispered and kissed her again. I stopped her from saying anything because she seemed uncomfortable. “You don’t have to respond. I’m not trying to guilt you into saying something. I’m just telling you how I feel. Don’t say anything until you’re ready.”
She laid her hand on my cheek. I finally backed away towards the charter. Again, I had to do another painful goodbye, but this would be the last since the season was over. Hopefully, in the future we would be together and next season would be different. I knew I was getting ahead of myself. I needed to stay in the present for now.
I didn’t make it back to my condo in Chicago until almost five in the morning. I was still down about the loss but seeing Rose again, touching her and speaking to her eased the hurt quite a bit. I wished she were with me right now, so I could hold her as I slept. And, do some other things with her.
I was still a little wired about being able to see her in the following days. I wasn’t really tired, and damn sure didn’t want to beat myself over the head with the highlights of the game that would undoubtedly keep replaying on the sports channels and local news. I decided to get a few rounds in of PS4. After another hour, my body had finally reached a wall as I turned off the game and went to my bedroom.
When I woke up, it was almost two in the afternoon. I showered, dressed, and made my way to the stadium. I called Rose, knowing she was still in class but left a voicemail telling her what I was doing and to call me as soon as she had a chance.
After meeting with the general manager and coaches which was basically me self-reflecting on the season, and what we could do better, I went to the clubhouse to clean out my locker. Ultimately, the season was a failure because the end goal is winning the World Series, and I had a part to play in that. However, I had one year left on my four-year contract, and management seemed pleased with my performance overall.
I was joking around with some of the guys that were strolling in and out. I would definitely miss the camaraderie since we were basically together for eight months out of the year practically every day. And, I knew some of them would not be with us next year.
I checked my phone, but it was only three-thirty. Rose was still in class. I set it down and tackled clearing my locker. A few minutes later, I felt a light slap on the back.
“You cleaning out your locker, son?” Mr. Griffin, the owner asked as I turned to him.
“Yes sir.”
He shook my hand. “I know last night was a disappointment, but you played your ass off out there. I expect to see better things from you next year.” As he spoke, Lisa walked up.
“I’ll do my best not to let you down.” He knew as well as I that next year we’d be negotiating a contract. Unless, he decided to trade me.
“I know you will.” He gave another arm pat before heading off to interact with other players.
Lisa stayed where she was eying me with a half smile. “You were a beast last night.”
“Thanks.” I uncomfortably stood there. “But we lost.”
“That loss wasn’t your fault. You were basically the only one getting hits. And, the error at the end happened because Joey overthrew the ball.”
I shrugged and went back to grabbing things, stuffing them in my bag. Hopefully, she would take a hint. She didn’t and leaned into the frame next to me.
“Why don’t we go have a drink?” She suggested laying her hand on my arm.
Of all the idiotic things that I’d ever done, sleeping with her after one of my teammates wild parties last year ranked up there for stupid ass of the year. She was very pretty, no doubt, and seemed really cool, but I had no idea she was Mr. Griffin’s granddaughter at the time. When I found out later, I felt like the guy from Old School who had unknowingly slept with his boss’s daughter. At least Lisa wasn’t underage. However, I had to handle this situation in a diplomatic manner. I didn’t need to fuck up any future contract negotiations. However, I would never, ever touch Lisa with a thousand foot pole much less a ten. Again. In my life. Or the after life.
“I can’t. I already have plans. Sorry.” I quickly finished clearing out the final things.
“Okay. Maybe another time.”
I zipped up my bag and nodded as polite as I could. Then, I slung my bag over my shoulder and strode out trying to get the hell away from her. Reaching my car outside, I dropped my duffle bag in the back and slid into the driver’s seat. I reached for my phone in my pocket and couldn’t find it.
“Shit.” I opened the car door and returned to the clubhouse.
Inside, I found it on the bench in front of my locker where I’d obviously set it down. There was still no call from Rose. Of course, it was only four-fifteen. She was probably meeting with students. I would give her more time.
As the last bell sounded, I watched my students gathering their materials quickly, eager to leave. I didn’t blame them. I had been silently counting the minutes, too. For the first time in a month, normalcy was rearing its beautiful head and my heart didn’t feel like it’d been squeezed unmercifully with a twist tie.
When the last person was out the door, I checked the message on my voice mail. I called John anxious to hear his voice. However, it wasn’t him.
“Hello?” It was a female voice.
“Is John there?” I questioned puzzled.
“No.”
“I’m sorry. I must have the wrong number.” I hung up. Stared at the phone and clicked on his name again.
Again, the same woman answered the phone.
“I guess I dialed the wrong number again.” I was stunned and sounded like an idiot. It was his number and my hand began to tremble.
This time she throatily laughed and said, “No. It’s his number, but he’s indisposed at the moment with me.”
In a daze, I clicked the red button and laid the phone down as my body shook and tears threatened to fall. Why
was he doing this? How could he tell me he loved me and then do this? What kind of sick game was he playing? He could have anyone he wanted. Why did he feel the need to carelessly play with my heart? I felt the tie twisting tighter again. I was struggling to inhale oxygen.
I wanted to go home, but I knew I needed to calm down. After several minutes when the awful adrenaline rush ebbed, I stood up to work on my lessons for tomorrow. Thirty minutes later, I heard my phone ring. Angrily, I picked it up and clicked, hanging it up. I clicked on his contact and blocked him.
I was done. I knew I couldn’t deal with this anymore. I’d tried to get out knowing my emotional limitations, but John had been so convincing and seemed sincere. And, up to that point, he hadn’t done anything wrong. Then, Loren had also added her input too as if she was the “John Whisperer” and knew exactly how he felt.
After finishing my work, I felt calm enough to drive home. When I was home I changed into shorts and a tank, I walked to the kitchen to get a drink. I was really tempted to imbibe in something that would numb my body, but I knew that would probably end badly for me. I opted for water.
As I took a swig, I glanced at the roses displayed on the center of my table. I angrily grabbed the vase and dropped it in the trash. Tomorrow I would grab a box and put all of the other crap that I’d received from him in it and give it to Loren. I could still see the roses peeking out of the bin since it was such a large arrangement. If I stared at the roses then they would be a reminder of John. I bundled up the trash and took it outside tossing it in the huge green bin.
Back inside, I plopped down on the couch and stared at the TV hoping to find some show to take my mind off of what had happened. Unfortunately, John’s face was the first thing I saw as the channel had been on SportsCenter. They were replaying the locker room interview after last night’s loss.
I tried to change the channel, but couldn’t. I sat, mesmerized as he appeared so gorgeously deflated answering questions about the final inning implosion. That was probably fifteen or twenty minutes before he’d told me he loved me. When I thought of the impact of his words and what happened today, I felt something uncontrollable bubbling up inside of me. And, just like that, the waterworks commenced as I cried like I’d done the day Carlos died.
Several hours later, when I had nothing left to cry out, I fell into my bed exhausted. My eyes were puffy and burning. And, my nose was rubbed raw along with my throat from basically sob/screaming.
I told myself I was done making myself sick over him. This was definitely not healthy for me. Tomorrow, I would move on or at least try. I rolled over and felt something fluffy and furry wedged in between my cleavage. Dammit—the freaking bear I’d been sleeping with the past two nights. He seemed to like my boobs too, and then another round of wetness streamed down my face.
“Hi Rose.” Loren hugged me as she entered my apartment Friday evening. She was picking up the box of things from John, which really wasn’t much, mainly the PS4, Chanel items, his jersey, and the bear (which I debated keeping, but he had to go too).
“Thanks for coming by.”
“What’s he going to do with a Chanel hand bag and dress?”
“I guess he can give them to the next girl he proclaims that he loves or sell them online.”
She shook her head but didn’t say anything more. I’d already told her what happened when I called him, and said I did not want to hear any more interpretations of what might have happened.
“How’s Andrew?” I knew he went to Austin for a few days for production meetings on a new screenplay he wrote. He already had several critically acclaimed indie films under his belt. Loren told me he was taking more control over his projects by being one of the producers. They were also looking for their own place together in Dallas. When they weren’t staying at his place in Austin.
“So far, everything is going as planned. They have the financial backing.” Her phone hummed, and she checked it. A look of worry passed over her face.
“What’s wrong?”
She pursued her lips and her forehead was scrunched together in a frown. “Um.” Long pause. “John texted. He’s on his way here.”
I knew Loren and he were talking because she told me earlier when we were on the phone. “What?”
“You know how he is Rose. He’s been calling and texting me non-stop because you won’t respond to him.”
“Well did you tell him why I haven’t?”
“No, Rose, I was trying not to interfere.”
“But, it’s okay that you are constantly justifying his actions?”
“No, I’m not,” she denied.
Before I could respond, there was loud banging on the door and yelling, “Rose, open the door! I know you’re in there. I can hear you.”
I stared at Loren. “I can’t do this.”
“You need to tell him something because he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong.”
My feet wouldn’t move, my nerves vibrated under my skin and the loud knocking continued. “Unless you’re hoping he’ll be arrested for disturbing the neighbors with all the banging and yelling he’s doing right now.” Loren eyed me with disapproval. She was obviously disappointed with me for not giving John a chance to explain himself. Did she not understand my point of view? Did she forget how fragile I was after what happened with Carlos?
I sighed in frustration. “Stay with me. I can’t be alone with him.” I went to the door and opened it. He seemed angry, maybe furious as he gripped the doorframe.
However, his voice was calm as he spoke. “Why haven’t you called me?”
His eyes were piercing mine and his hair was a mess and he had dark stubble on his face. He looked so ruggedly handsome and wildly unkempt that I wanted to reach out and touch him. Which was exactly why I didn’t want to see him.
I finally drew up the rage and hurt I had. “I did call you, twice. The first time I thought it was a wrong number, but the second time I called, the same girl answered and told me you were indisposed.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” He growled. He was wound tight like a puma ready to strike its prey.
“Why don’t you come in and close the door,” Loren suggested quietly behind me. “We don’t need everyone to hear this conversation.”
I lifted my arms in frustration and backed up allowing him in as he closed the door. “Hey Loren,” he said before turning back to me. “What time did you call because I didn’t see any record of you calling and why in the hell would a girl answer my phone?” Just to validate what he said, he showed me his call log and there was no indication I’d called him.
“I called you Wednesday right after class.” My voice rose regardless of trying to keep myself calm. I stalked over to my purse, yanking out my phone thrusting my call log in his face.
His brows drew together as though he was piecing a puzzle together. “I left the clubhouse around four…Oh wait, I went out to my car and realized that I’d left my phone in the locker room.” He gripped his neck and shook his head in frustration. “I think I know what happened. Lisa was there when I left, and she must’ve answered my phone.”
“Oh, okay,” I said it in a way that meant I clearly wasn’t appeased by his revelation. It sounded like some made up story.
“She was with her grandfather—in the locker room with several players there. She was being vindictive.”
He seemed so aggravated having to explain himself, again. But, in my mind there always seemed to be some kind of monkey story around him, and it was getting harder and harder to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Obviously, he could see my skepticism because he said, “Rose, do you really believe I would be in the clubhouse messing around with her? There were players all around and her grandfather.” His anger seemed to bubble back up as a tic in his jaw kept pulsing. “I told you I would never do that to you.”
I shook my head trying to keep from crying and swept my hand out. “This is just too much, and exactly the reason I wanted to end
this.”
He stepped towards me appearing to try to remain calm although his body radiated heat. “You still can’t trust me,” he stated quietly and ran his hands over my shoulders. “I can’t do anything to convince you can I?”
“I don’t think you can.” I answered honestly, but the words hurt as I said them, and the tears I’d been holding back overcame me, rolling down my cheeks.
Even though I knew it was definitely not the response he wanted, he pulled me into his arms and held me, comforting me as I cried. As if he understood the conflicting emotions I was fighting.
And, I hated crying in front of him, showing my weakness, but I couldn’t fight his hold. I didn’t want to. I clung to him for dear life.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered as my tears flowed. “There’s something wrong with me.”
He gently spoke above my head, “No. There’s not. But there’s something that has happened that makes you scared to trust relationships. And I know it has to do with what happened with Carlos. Right?”
I nodded reluctantly. Questioning myself for resisting him when it felt so right.
“Do you want to talk about it?” His deep low voice reverberated against my ear. I could also hear the hope.
“I-I can’t,” I said and looked up at him. If he ever knew what I’d done after Carlos’ death. He would probably think I was certifiable.
“Okay.” His response was gentle, but I could see the disappointment in his eyes and the drawn down line of his mouth. He pulled back from me. I was losing him.
“You see now why this won’t work?” I stared at him silently begging him to understand, but silently praying he would never leave. I couldn’t have it both ways though.
“No, not really, but I’m going to let you go.” He was calm but solemn as he released my arms and walked to the door. My heart fell to the floor, shattered like crystal. He paused and turned piercing me with his beautiful eyes that were now bloodshot. “I love you Rose and I think you might love me, too. However, it’s going to have to be you that comes to me if you ever decide you can trust me.” Then, he glanced past me to Loren who I’d completely forgotten was standing here witnessing our exchange. “I’m sure I’ll see you soon, Loren.”