by Paige Toon
As soon as the thought occurs to me, I feel poisonous. And then I realise that I’m kidding myself, anyway. I’ll never be able to forget that he should be with her.
Will it ever stop hurting, though?
‘What are you thinking?’ Angus asks quietly, with that uncanny knack of his.
‘Do you still cry about her?’ I don’t know why, but this is the question that spills from my lips and I feel his flat stomach contract under my palm as a result.
‘Sometimes,’ he admits.
‘Do you feel guilty being with me?’
‘A little.’ Again with honesty.
I break our contact, edging away from him.
‘Don’t go,’ he says sadly.
The side of my body feels cold, where before it was warm.
‘She would hate this,’ I say, my voice wavering.
He shakes his head. ‘I disagree. I think she’d want us to be happy.’
‘Come on! She would hate us being together,’ I say fervently.
‘Liza, please don’t,’ he begs, reaching for my hand.
I let him take it, but it’s limp.
My head is spinning with questions. I know the answers will drive me crazy and will only drum up more questions, but I need to ask them nonetheless.
‘How many children did you want to have?’
Angus stares at me with dismay and, after a moment, his beautiful eyes fill with tears.
‘She always wanted two when we were younger,’ I tell him, not waiting any longer for his reply. ‘A boy first and then a girl, three years later. Is that what she told you?’
He averts his gaze and nods.
I continue. ‘She didn’t want three. She wanted the boy to get her full attention and then she’d have a baby girl around the time her son went to nursery, so the new baby would have her at least some of the time. She had it all mapped out.’
To my surprise, he smiles slightly. ‘She did,’ he agrees, brushing away a tear. ‘But you can’t plan that sort of stuff.’
‘No.’ I nod, returning his shaky smile. ‘You could have ended up with triplets, for all she knew.’
‘Or two sets of twins.’
I laugh. ‘When were you going to start trying for a baby?’
His smile drops from his face.
‘Straight away,’ I answer for him, sensing the truth.
He nods once and I feel a wave of nausea.
‘Was that why she agreed to move back here? She was going to leave her job soon anyway?’ I knew she wanted to write a book, so getting pregnant would have fallen in nicely with those plans.
He nods again. I let go of his hand.
‘Why are you doing this to us?’ he asks gravely.
‘I can’t help it,’ I whisper. ‘I need to know.’
‘It’s going to consume you.’
‘But I need to know,’ I reiterate. ‘I need to know what your plans were, where you’d be. If we hadn’t lost her, she could be expecting your son right now.’
‘Stop it,’ he begs.
I fall silent, but it’s a momentary respite, because ‘They’ by Jem starts to play over the pub’s sound system.
‘Phoebe loved this song. She played this album relentlessly the year she met you.’ My tone takes on a flippant edge.
‘I remember,’ he says, staring ahead in a daze.
‘She used to be into dreamy, girlie stuff. Who did she like towards the end?’
‘Mumford and Sons,’ he replies dully. ‘She played their second album on repeat.’
‘I didn’t even know she liked their first album,’ I say. Phoebe and I had different taste in music. ‘I really didn’t know her that well, did I?’
‘She still liked dreamy, girlie stuff, too,’ he says.
But I’m not even listening. ‘We’d grown apart over the years.’
He looks absolutely miserable as he hunches over the table and wraps his hands around his pint. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says.
‘Yes, it was because of you,’ I reply. ‘And I was going to leave Manchester because of you, too.’
He doesn’t even ask me to stop. He knows that I won’t.
‘If I could choose between having Phoebe here or being with you, I would choose Phoebe.’
‘I know that!’ Now he sounds angry as he stares at me, his eyes flashing. ‘But for fuck’s sake,’ he hisses, ‘she’s not here. So why are you ruining this for us? You think that I wouldn’t have found someone else eventually?’
I gawp at him, but he’s not done.
‘My life isn’t over because Phoebe’s gone. And neither is yours. I don’t for a minute think that you wouldn’t have gone off with some other guy sooner or later. And yeah, maybe you wouldn’t have had this guilt with him, but if you think you could be happier with someone else, then what the hell are you doing here with me?’
It’s a moment before I can speak. ‘But isn’t your guilt worse because you’re with me rather than someone who never knew Phoebe?’
‘No,’ he snaps. ‘Not really.’ He shoves his hair back, still angry and frustrated. ‘Most people want to know about their partner’s past. And any girl I went out with might have been upset to hear I’d be married right now if my fiancée hadn’t been killed doing Christ knows what up a mountain with some other guy!’
A cold flush comes over me. ‘What are you talking about?’ I ask.
‘Phoebe!’ he exclaims, not even bothering to lower his voice any more. ‘What was she doing going rock climbing with someone who she used to be in love with?’
‘Who?’ I don’t understand.
‘Remy!’
‘Phoebe was up the mountain with Remy? The same Remy from when she was eighteen?’
‘Yes.’ He looks anguished.
‘I had no idea she was still in touch with him.’
‘She wasn’t.’ He looks downcast. ‘She bumped into him the night before she died and decided to go up the mountain on a whim. She hadn’t climbed in years! Why would she do that?’ He shakes his head, bewildered. ‘She obviously still had feelings for him.’
‘God,’ I murmur.
‘Was she having doubts?’ I can see how confused he is. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be talking to you about this.’ He shakes his head again, but it doesn’t hurt as much as it should, witnessing his anguish over my sister. It’s just as well, because he hasn’t finished. ‘I wanted to tell Rose about us tonight. I was going to convince you it was the right thing to do. But now I don’t know. If you and I can’t...’
My blood runs cold and his eyes well up again as he continues.
‘Well, what would be the point of upsetting everyone for nothing?’
Chapter 32
Rose
‘ROSE.’
Angus’s voice rouses me from sleep and I’m disoriented as I come to.
‘What the hell have you been doing?’ His face is white with rage.
I realise with horror that I’ve fallen asleep on my bed, in amongst some of Phoebe’s clothes. In fact, I’m still wearing one of her favourite going-out outfits: a navy shift dress and black high heels.
‘I wanted to feel closer to her,’ I whimper, getting down from the bed. His eyes rake over me from head to toe and his mouth drops open.
‘Have you been playing dress up?’ he asks with disbelief, backing out of the room.
‘Gus, I’m sorry!’ I call after him, stumbling in the heels.
I chase after him as he storms into his bedroom where everything is exactly as I left it. Jesus.
‘I’m really sorry,’ I say as he swoops down and scoops up a bundle of clothes.
‘Get her things!’ He points out of the door in the direction of my bedroom. I’ve never seen him so angry.
‘I’ll do it,’ I start to say. ‘I’ll tidy up. Just go into the living room and wait.’
‘Get them now!’ he bellows at me.
I run out of his room and grab Phoebe’s clothes from my bed, hurrying back in time to see him roughly shoving her po
ssessions into the boxes.
‘Gus, please,’ I beg. ‘I’ll fold them up again.’
He storms over to me and I flinch as he snatches the items from my arms, turning to stuff them into the nearest box. He yelps suddenly, and I freeze. I tentatively step forward and place my hand on his back, and then he loses it completely.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I murmur. We’re both sitting on the sofa in the living room, nursing cups of tea, but the last hour has been hell.
I’ve never seen Angus like that before. He’d already moved to this apartment in Manchester when Phoebe died and I was still in London, so I wasn’t on-hand to witness his immediate grief. Now he is utterly distraught and he hasn’t wanted me to touch him so I haven’t known what to do with myself. I’ve had to watch while he’s sobbed his heart out like a baby, all the while keeping me at bay.
He’s no longer crying and he accepted my offer of tea, but asked me to get changed back into my own clothes first.
‘I shouldn’t have gone into your room,’ I say.
‘No, you shouldn’t have,’ he agrees in a low voice, blowing on the hot liquid in his cup.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I say again, totally ashamed. ‘I’ll never go in there again,’ I find myself vowing. ‘I just wanted to tidy it.’
‘You don’t have to do that, Rose,’ he says, a little exasperated now.
‘I was just trying to help.’
‘I know, but please don’t.’
My face heats up. There I go again, dishing out help where it’s not wanted.
‘What time is it?’ I ask, stifling a yawn.
He checks his watch. ‘One o’clock.’
‘We’re going to be knackered in the morning. Where were you tonight?’ I ask.
He looks uncomfortable and doesn’t reply instantly. Is this the time for our heart-to-heart? No. I’m not sure either of us can stomach it.
‘Come on, then, we’d better get to sleep,’ I say.
He nods, standing up.
‘Hug?’ I ask cautiously.
He opens up his arms in response. I step forward and they close around me, washing my worries away. My heart constricts as I rest my cheek against his chest. I feel so bad for hurting him. I breathe in deeply, trying to feel better again, but the scent I pick up is not from his usual deodorant. I go rigid and then step backwards, breaking our contact.
‘What is it?’ He cocks his head at the look on my face.
‘Nothing,’ I say. ‘I’ll see you in the morning. Goodnight.’
‘Night,’ he calls after me as I walk into my room, shutting the door and pressing my back against it.
I know who he’s been with tonight. And I feel like I’m going to throw up.
I wait until Angus has left for work the following morning before venturing out of my room. I’m going to be late, but I’m handing in my notice anyway. The sooner I get out of this town, the better.
I can’t believe that Angus has been seeing Eliza. How could they betray me like this? How could they betray Phoebe? Her grave has barely even settled and they’re hopping into bed with one another.
Of everything Eliza has ever done, this is the worst.
A little voice inside my head reasons that whatever is going on between Angus and Eliza has nothing to do with me. But I shut it back down. It feels like a betrayal. So it is a betrayal.
I’m not even upset about it. I’m angry.
‘Where have you been?’ Toby demands to know when I flounce into work forty-five minutes late.
‘I overslept,’ I reply, barely cracking a smile at the customer who walked in the door behind me.
He looks put out at the lack of remorse in my voice, but doesn’t pull me up on it while there are people around.
He corners me later when the lunchtime rush is over.
‘Spill,’ he says.
‘Angus and Eliza are having an affair,’ I hiss furiously, wiping down a table.
He looks stumped. ‘Are they with other people?’
‘No! They’re just together! Together!’
‘Is that technically an affair?’
I straighten up and glare at him. ‘Phoebe only died a year ago.’
He shakes his head, perplexed, and I feel a wave of nausea because he doesn’t understand.
‘I’m handing in my notice,’ I say flatly, reaching down to pick up a stack of plates.
His face falls as I turn towards the bakery.
‘My mum is giving me some money,’ I say over my shoulder. ‘I want to go travelling and I want to go as soon as possible.’
The door swings shut behind him. He’s followed me in here, but he’s speechless.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘I don’t want to let you down. I’ll work up until the end of the month so you’ll have time to find someone else.’
His stare hardens. ‘Whatever you want,’ he mutters, backing out of the bakery.
He barely looks at me for the rest of the day.
I don’t want to go home to Angus. I don’t want to see his face. So I tell Toby I’ll lock up and then head out the back.
I’m wrist-deep in dirt, planting orangey-red crocosmias when Gavin appears. I’m so lost in my thoughts that I nearly jump out of my skin when the back door bursts open.
‘Jesus Christ!’ he erupts. ‘It’s you! I thought it was a burglar scratching around out here.’
‘Sorry, I wanted to finish the garden.’
‘This going to be your legacy, eh?’ he says drily. ‘Toby told me you’re leaving us.’
‘Yeah, I’m afraid so.’ I turn away from him and reach for another plant.
‘We’ll be sorry to see you go,’ he says. ‘Him especially.’
‘He’ll be alright.’
I’m alarmed when Gavin comes outside and perches on the edge of the planter box. I don’t want company.
‘I think you underestimate yourself,’ he says. ‘He needs you more than you realise.’
‘Look, I can’t be his mother! He already has one!’
Gavin’s face turns puce and adrenalin makes my pulse race with the knowledge that I’ve overstepped the mark. But his colour fades back to normal almost instantly and he speaks before I can.
‘If that’s how you see it, there’s nothing I can say to change your mind.’ He gets to his feet. ‘I’ll stick a notice up in the window this evening, advertising for a replacement. You can leave as soon as we have one.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I blurt as he turns to go back inside.
‘You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, Rose. I’m glad we had you for as long as we did.’
Then why do I feel so goddamn awful?
I go home soon afterwards, and I find myself hoping that Angus is out, even if that means he’s with Eliza. Unfortunately, I hear the telly on as I come through the door.
‘Hey,’ he calls over his shoulder from his position on the living-room sofa. ‘Where have you been? There’s some pasta on the hob if you want to warm it up.’
‘I’m not hungry,’ I reply, opening the door to my bedroom.
‘Rose?’ he calls after me, confused. ‘Are you okay?’
‘I’m just tired. I’m going to go straight to bed.’ I close my bedroom door behind me and lock it, without waiting for his response. Then I sit on the bed, reaching under the covers and pulling out the navy and yellow journal belonging to my sister.
Of course I still have it.
I may have let Angus take back Phoebe’s clothes last night, but he wasn’t getting this.
There’s no padlock. Phoebe trusted Angus and there was no need to try to keep him out. The same can’t be said for me.
I kick off my shoes and lie back on my pillows, opening it up to the first page.
Another year, another diary! she writes, and I can almost hear her bubbly voice speaking aloud to me.
It’s going to be a crazy twelve months! Marriage, moving back to Manchester and who knows what else?
My eyes mist over and I smile through my tears. She’s no
t gone after all. She’s still here with me.
Chapter 33
Eliza
‘Which one is it, Eliza or Rose?’ Joe asks when I turn up at the bar on Friday at lunchtime.
‘Eliza,’ I reply with a smile.
‘Did your sis give you the mock-up?’ he asks.
‘I haven’t seen her yet,’ I tell him.
‘Never mind. I went ahead and got them printed.’ He reaches under the bar and hands over a small stack of fliers. ‘You can circulate them to your friends.’
‘Great, thank you! Hopefully my boss will let me stick some up at Roxy’s again.’
‘Perfect. Now, what can I do for you? Drink?’
‘Sure. Just water, please. I’ve got to get to work soon.’
I feel nervous as I watch him get a bottle of sparkling water out of the fridge. By the time he’s turned around again, I’ve psyched myself up enough to ask my question.
‘Joe?’
‘Hmm?’ He raises one eyebrow.
‘Do you think there’s any chance you might invite some of your record industry acquaintances to my next gig?’
‘Aah.’ He gives me a knowing look.
I wasn’t planning on asking him for help until we’d got to know each other better, but then I thought, sod it. I can’t keep putting things off. I just have to bite the bullet and go for it. Plus I need something to take my mind off Angus. We haven’t spoken since Wednesday night.
‘Well, I can’t promise anything, but sure, I can ask a couple of old friends to come along. Don’t get your hopes up, though, love. It’s not easy to break in these days.’
‘I know, and I won’t,’ I reply eagerly. ‘Thank you!’
I walk out of there with a spring in my step. Next stop: Rose. I haven’t given up on Angus and me, but there are things I need to sort out first.
The bakery where my sister works is in Sale town centre. Angus told me about it, but I wasn’t expecting it to look this nice. I push open the door and get my second pleasant surprise at the sight of the hottie behind the counter.
‘Hello,’ I say, my eyes widening.
He frowns at me. Not the reaction I was expecting.
‘You’re not Rose,’ he says.
‘I’m Eliza. Is she here?’ I ask.
‘She’s just nipped out. Does she know you’re coming?’