by Paige Toon
‘Nope.’ I smile at him. ‘Can I grab a cappuccino? I’ll wait for her.’
‘Take a seat.’
He’s not very friendly, is he?
It’s quite late in the day so there’s no one sitting at the tables in the rear. It’s a good set-up, I muse as I wander back there, but I don’t imagine there’s much scope for tips. I wonder how Rose gets by. But then I doubt Angus charges her much in rent.
After a few moments, the guy comes over. It dawns on me who he might be.
‘Are you Toby?’ I ask.
‘Yep,’ he confirms, placing my coffee cup on the table.
Aha! Now I understand why Rose wanted to hang out with him after hours. But hold on, didn’t Angus say he was practically a teenager?
The door opens and we’re both distracted by the sight of Rose bustling in, struggling to carry what looks like a heavy bag of soil. This is getting curiouser and curiouser.
She halts in her tracks, her eyes darting between Toby and me.
‘What are you doing here?’ she splutters, her grip on the bag slipping. Toby rushes forward and takes it from her.
‘She came in looking for you,’ I hear him say and they seem to exchange a meaningful glance.
I have a feeling he knows more about me than I’m comfortable with.
‘I’ll put this out the back.’ He heaves the enormous bag over his shoulder, much like I imagine he would a sack of flour. He doesn’t look at me again as he goes through the door behind the counter.
Rose dusts her hands off and hesitantly approaches, but after a couple of steps, her chin juts out and she holds her head higher.
I think Angus might’ve read this wrong. She doesn’t look to me like someone who wants bygones to be bygones.
‘What do you want?’ she asks.
‘I wanted to see you,’ I reply.
‘Why?’
‘Bloody hell, Rose, don’t you think we need to sort this out, for Mum’s sake if not our own?’
‘I thought I wanted to see you, too, but your timing sucks.’
I’m baffled. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I know about you and Angus.’
My stomach is instantly overcome with nausea.
‘Did he tell you?’ I ask.
‘Did he fuck,’ she snaps and I balk because Rose rarely swears.
‘Hey.’
We both start at the sound of Toby’s voice. He pushes the door behind the counter open again and jerks his head towards it. Okay, so I agree that we shouldn’t be having this conversation in a public place, even if it is currently deserted.
‘Come with me,’ Rose mutters, leading me past Toby and out through the bakery to a back door. A moment later we’re standing in a small courtyard, enclosed by a high brick wall, the back face of which has been painted a vibrant mauve. It’s the exact same shade as the colour of our rear garden wall at home, but this thought distracts me for only a second.
‘How did you find out?’ I ask as Rose closes the door behind us.
She gives me a look of disgust. ‘I could smell your perfume on him when he hugged me the night before last.’
My head spins. ‘Does he know you know?’
‘No.’ She shakes her head. ‘What you get up to is your own dirty business. I’ll be gone soon and the two of you can shack up and shag each other to death, for all I care.’
‘Not likely at this rate,’ I say unhappily. ‘Listen, we were going to tell you. He wanted to tell you on Wednesday night—’
‘How long has it been going on?’ she interrupts.
‘God, only a few days.’
Now it’s her turn to balk. ‘Days?’
‘Since Sunday.’ I feel suddenly very deflated. ‘You thought we’d been together longer.’
She nods.
‘I bumped into him around the same time as you moved in with him.’
She looks mildly shifty. ‘You knew about that.’
‘Yeah.’ I nod ruefully.
She sighs. ‘I thought you’d be angry.’
‘I was,’ I admit before waving her away. That’s not the most important issue at hand here. ‘Listen, I didn’t tell you about Angus because I knew you’d say it was too soon. And it was too soon.’ My voice trembles. ‘I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Phoebe and how upset she’d be. It will probably always be too soon, for you and for us. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but Angus and I didn’t leave each other on good terms on Wednesday night. We might be over before we’ve even started.’
Rose takes a deep breath and lets out a long sigh. I’m not sure if it’s with relief.
‘I don’t even want to be in the same room with him at the moment,’ she murmurs.
I close my eyes briefly in resignation. ‘I’m sorry we hurt you.’
She doesn’t speak. This is not an easy conversation to have, but I need to be honest with her.
‘What you read about in my diary,’ I start. ‘That night with Angus in the tree house was the beginning and also the end. It was the first time we’d ever kissed. Sunday night just gone was the second. He was never unfaithful to Phoebe. They were on a break ten years ago and he wanted it to be permanent. I pretty much pushed them back together.’ I swallow. ‘Angus loved Phoebe, and he would have married her and they would have been very happy together. But I knew he had feelings for me, too, and it hurt too much to watch him move forward with Feebs. I missed you both badly when you were living in London together. Yes, you too,’ I say when I see the look on her face. ‘But I couldn’t be around Phoebe and Angus. I still loved him and no other guy ever stood a chance while he was in the picture. I know you cared for him, too,’ I say carefully. ‘I know you still do. But you never loved him, Rose.’
‘How would you know how I felt?’ she snaps.
But I continue, and I’m not trying to hurt her, it just needs to be said. ‘And he has never loved you, either. Not the way he loved – loves – me.’
Her eyes well up with tears. ‘Well, I hope it all works out for you both, then,’ she says.
I’m not at all convinced she means it.
Chapter 34
Rose
‘Are you okay?’
I’m still standing in the courtyard, staring at the space recently vacated by Eliza.
I turn to look at Toby. ‘Yeah. I’ll be back in shortly,’ I reply.
‘I’ve locked up,’ he tells me. ‘You want to talk about it?’
‘No. I’m still trying to get my head around it myself.’
He nods.
‘She and Angus really seem to love each other,’ I find myself blurting, despite what I’ve just said about not wanting to talk. ‘I used to believe I loved him too, but Eliza thinks what I felt wasn’t even on the same page, let alone the same book.’
‘She doesn’t know how you felt.’
‘No, she’s right. I don’t think I’ve ever really loved anyone. I’m twenty-eight and I’ve never been in love. How sad is that?’
He sits down on the wrought-iron bench seat and stares up at me with those dark eyes of his. He pats the space beside him.
I go and sit down.
‘Why does it bother you so much?’ he asks. ‘You’ve still got the rest of your life ahead of you.’
‘Phoebe didn’t,’ I point out sadly. ‘But by the time she’d died, she’d already been in love twice.’ With Angus and Remy. ‘I always used to think that Eliza went after men who were bad for her, but her heart was with Angus all along, so she had a reason for doing that. The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe I’m the one with the problem.’
He doesn’t say anything for ages and I sit there, my mind ticking over.
‘If you sort things out with Eliza, will you still leave?’ he asks eventually.
‘Yes. I want to go to Chamonix and around Europe generally, maybe even Australia. I never took a year out between school and university so I think it would do me good. And Mum likes the idea of me seeing the world. She’s healthy a
nd relatively happy right now. If I leave it too long, I might not feel able to go.’
He leans forwards, resting his elbows on his knees.
‘Can I meet your mum before I go?’ I ask tentatively.
He swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. ‘What’s the point?’
‘I will come back eventually, you know,’ I say gently. ‘And we can keep in touch, right? We can still be friends?’
He turns and stares at me directly. As the seconds tick by and he doesn’t speak, butterflies take over my stomach.
He shouldn’t be looking at me like this. I’m too old for him.
‘Toby?’ I ask warily. ‘Friends?’
He abruptly averts his gaze and gets to his feet. ‘Yeah, of course,’ he says.
I’m still avoiding Angus so I stay on at Jennifer’s again that night and Gavin and I cross paths once more.
‘Working late?’ he asks with surprise as I wash my hands at the bakery sink.
‘I wanted to finish off the outdoor space before the weekend. It’s done now,’ I add.
‘Let’s have a look, then.’
I lead the way outside and he stands and stares at the sight before him. As well as the wall, I’ve painted some of the old crates that I used to carry the pot plants. They’re now a dark blue and lined with heavy-duty black polythene, acting as higgledy-piggledy plant boxes. I’ve taken out a few of the paving stones along the back wall to create a small garden bed and filled the space with sizzling orangey-red crocosmias, burnt-orange helianthemums and flaming red dahlias. The exotic colours seem to smoulder in the late afternoon sun and are set off beautifully against the painted wall. I’ve filled the planter box with aromatic herbs like sage, rosemary, thyme and mint. The duck-egg blue outdoor furniture from home complements the colour scheme.
‘Just gorgeous, Rose,’ Gavin says, shaking his head with amazement. ‘Jenny would love it.’
This is the first time he’s mentioned his wife, so I’m honoured to hear it.
‘Make sure you give me your receipts so I can reimburse you,’ he adds.
‘No,’ I tell him. ‘Most of the plants were free, and anyway, I wanted to do this. Plus, it’s not like I ever asked for your permission.’ I meant to check with him, but in the end I cracked on with Toby’s approval.
‘I might not be the most generous of bosses, but I don’t want you being out of pocket. I insist,’ he says.
‘Okay, thank you.’ I sense this is not an argument I’m going to win. ‘I’ve also planted some bulbs,’ I reveal. I dug them up from home, too. ‘You’ll see them in the spring. This space will be bursting with orange and red tulips and yellow daffodils. The flowers I’ve planted are perennials, so provided they don’t get taken out by a harsh winter frost, they should come back year after year.’
I found I remembered a lot from my gardening sessions with Mum all those years ago.
‘Jenny loves fairy lights,’ Gavin reveals with a fond smile. ‘She’d have them all around the walls. I can imagine her sitting out here, decorating her cupcakes.’
‘Do you think she’ll come to see it?’ I ask hopefully.
He shrugs, his smile fading slightly. ‘Who knows? We’re working on it. Thank you for the leaflets, by the way.’
I rang and asked a former colleague to post some.
We wander back into the bakery and I grab my things.
‘I meant to say,’ Gavin says as he ties up his apron. ‘Someone phoned me earlier, asking about the position. Are you sure you want to leave us?’
My stomach squeezes, but I nod. ‘I’m going to take some time out to go travelling,’ I tell him. I’ve already been on the internet researching my route.
‘Is that right? Never understood the lure, personally. I like what I know.’
I smile at him. ‘Toby doesn’t take after you, then.’
‘Toby?’ He scoffs as he pours water into the Hobart’s large silver mixing bowl. ‘You’ve got to be joking, right? He likes what he knows, too.’
This is probably one of those moments where I should keep my nose out of other people’s business and not interfere, but a leopard can’t change its spots overnight.
‘Toby told me he’d love to go to Australia,’ I reveal.
‘Did he?’ Gavin looks surprised as he grabs the flour.
‘But he doesn’t feel like he can leave you with so much on your plate.’
He pauses mid motion, then puts the flour back on the counter with a thump and gives me a hard stare. ‘Is that what he said?’
I stand my ground. ‘Yes.’
‘Hmm. Well, he’d bloody well better start saving, then,’ he mutters, getting on with his task. ‘Flights to Oz cost a bomb.’
Angus’s Land Rover is parked on the road outside the apartment when I get home, but he’s not in the living room and his bedroom door is closed. I’m concerned, so, despite his recent insistence on privacy, I knock on his door. He can have his apartment back to himself when I’m gone.
He doesn’t answer so I cautiously open the door. He’s curled up in a foetal position on the bed, dressed in black jeans and a blue T-shirt.
‘Angus?’ I ask softly, but he doesn’t answer, and while I wait and watch, his chest rises and falls, slowly and evenly.
He’s facing away from me so I tiptoe around to the other side of his bed. He’s out cold and looks peaceful, but even sleep can’t disguise the dark circles under his eyes. I have to fight the urge to reach down and brush his hair away from his face.
I care about him so much, I think to myself. I always have and I always will.
The end wardrobes are slightly ajar and I can’t resist pushing them shut as I pass, but they spring back open again and reveal Phoebe’s possessions spilling haphazardly out of the boxes. Her grey hoodie is on the top, and I feel a wave of guilt as I reach in and take it, leaving Angus’s room and quietly closing the door behind me.
I’m confused as I get on with preparing vegetables for a stir-fry. I’ll make enough dinner for Angus, too, just in case he wakes up and feels like joining me. I wasn’t sure if he’d be here tonight. I thought he might be with Eliza, but from what she said, they’re keeping their distance from each other. It must be so confusing for them both.
I feel a sudden swell of jealousy at the thought of them together. Why does it bother me so much?
Fragments of Eliza’s diary scribblings come back to me, and when I think about the way she wrote about him, with such longing and such passion, I pause. Did I ever write with that emotion?
I never read my own diary around the time that I rediscovered it in the loft, but I did bring it here with me.
I leave the cooking preparations on the kitchen worktop and go into my bedroom, closing the door behind me. Five minutes later, I’m sitting on my bed with the third and final purple journal in my hands.
Half an hour later, I’m still sitting there, squirming with discomfort.
I sound like a lovesick teenager. I was a lovesick teenager. The first half of the diary sees me go through four different crushes that I had on various boys at school, and when Angus finally comes on the scene, my ridiculousness jumps up a level.
‘I’ve just seen Angus and Phoebe kissing. My heart hurts so much, I know I’m going to cry myself to sleep.
I love him. I love him! Why did he have to fall for her? If only he loved me instead.’
My face is hot with embarrassment as I read. I sound twelve, not eighteen. I thought I was the mature one, heading off to university before my sisters, but I can see now that I was anything but.
Angus doesn’t appear for dinner and, after surfing the net for flights and hotel deals, eventually I retire to my bedroom to read some more of Phoebe’s diary. In this entry, it’s May Bank Holiday and we’d all gone to Primrose Hill for a picnic together – Josie and Craig, included. I remember that day – Gerard got called into work at the last minute, but I still had a lovely time with my sister and friends. I can almost feel the warm sun on my face as
I read about it...
I wake up, sweating and anxious.
I stumble to the bathroom, catching sight of my reflection in the mirror. No wonder I feel so hot; I put on Phoebe’s cashmere hoodie before I went to bed in lieu of PJs, and I’m boiling inside it.
I press a cold, damp flannel to my face before leaving the bathroom, flicking off the light as I go.
I come to a sudden stop. Angus is standing in the doorway of his bedroom, naked except for his boxer shorts. He seems unsteady on his feet, as though he’s still half asleep.
Horror engulfs me as I remember what I’m wearing, and I can’t take it off because I have nothing on underneath. I’m about to ask if he’s alright, but he speaks first.
‘Phoebe?’ he whispers.
My insides turn to ice.
‘Rose.’ I shake my head quickly. ‘Angus, it’s me, it’s Rose.’ My voice doesn’t sound like my own.
‘Why are you doing this to me?’ he asks, anguished. He looks so lost that I can’t bear it. I run over to him and throw my arms around his neck.
‘I’m sorry,’ I cry.
He stands, frozen under my touch, and then his hands slowly slide around my waist.
‘You feel like her,’ he whispers, his grip on me tightening. I tense as he nestles his face against my neck and hair and breathes in deeply. ‘And you smell like her.’
I push him away, stumbling backwards. His eyes are shining in the dark light.
‘Are you trying to make me mistake you for her?’ he asks quietly, almost sinisterly.
‘No.’ I shake my head fervently, unable to believe that we’re having this conversation.
‘Because it wouldn’t be the first time I’d fucked up like that, would it?’
‘Angus, stop it!’ I say with distress, detesting his tone. It’s not like him to be cruel, but I know he’s trying to hurt himself as much as he’s hurting me.
‘Go back to bed,’ he says dully, turning away from me.
‘I know about you and Eliza!’ I call after him. His footsteps falter. ‘I saw her today.’
I hear his fast intake of breath, but he keeps his back to me.
‘She came to see me at the bakery. She and I are going to be okay,’ I tell him weakly. ‘We’ll work out our differences.’