Sweetheart Deal

by Linda Joffe Hull

“They’ll be fine,” Frank said, reaching for a bottle of hot sauce from the center of the table.

  “That stuff is muy caliente, Mr. Michaels,” Liam said. “I almost couldn’t take it.”

  “Just how I like it,” Frank said, unscrewing the cap and dousing his taco.

  “Check out the souvenir shop down the way and off to the right,” Anastasia suggested, pointing to the intersection of the two streets that made up the town. “They’ve extended locals pricing to all of us for today.”

  “Cool, because I’m totally getting a bunch of those Mexican masks,” Trent said.

  “How in the world did you get a discount arranged in the midst of everything else going on today?” I asked her as the kids headed off.

  Anastasia winked. “Connections.”

  “Connections?” I managed before Frank emitted a sound that could only be described as a hyena choking on a chicken bone. He grabbed the nearest beverage, which happened to be a beer one of the cameramen was bringing to his seat at a nearby table. He took a huge, dramatic gulp and chased it down with a handful of chips.

  “If Liam says something is spicy, you’d better beware,” Face said.

  “Holy mother of …” Frank dabbed his eyes and then his tongue with a napkin. “I didn’t expect that kind of heat.”

  “Unexpected seems to be the theme of this whole shoot, I’d say.” While I needed to be more than a little subtle, I also needed answers to have any hope of figuring out what was going on, and what, if anything, I could do about it. “What are you planning to call this episode? ‘Marriage, Murder, and the Mayans’?”

  “Not bad,” Anastasia said. “Not bad at all.”

  “Seriously,” I said. “How are you planning to feature a simulated sacrifice as part of a bargain-shopping show?”

  “The way I see it, local color and custom is part and parcel of getting married out of the country,” Anastasia said. “Right?”

  Two out of the three sisters nodded in agreement. The third, Body, was mid-smooch.

  “Plus, it adds a kind of bridge between what we originally came to do in terms of the bargain destination wedding and the turn of events that have kept us here,” she said with that unsettling, telltale gleam. “Don’t you think?”

  “Stasia,” I asked, emboldened by her zeal for capitalizing on the unexpected. “How did we end up here in the first place?”

  “The ruins tour was part of the overall package.”

  “I’m not talking about the ruins,” I said. “I’m mean the package overall.”

  She looked at me as though I was asking the most obvious question ever. “We brought the show down to the Hacienda de la Fortuna in return for an all-inclusive wedding, lodging for the crew and select guests, and complimentary attendance to any and all attractions we deemed necessary for the shoot.”

  “Not to mention the timeshare incentives,” Frank said.

  This time, all three sisters managed an enthusiastic nod.

  “Add a bonus murder to investigate as part of the deal and I suppose it was a can’t-lose proposition,” I said.

  “Maddie!” Frank said sternly.

  “I’m just trying to figure out the connection, if there is one, between Alejandro’s murder, whatever it was that happened to Geo in the cave, and why we happen to be here in the middle of it all.”

  “Makes sense,” Anastasia said, but wrinkled her pert little nose.

  “So whose idea was it to come down to Mexico in the first place?” I asked.

  “We wanted to have a destination wedding and it just happened to be a perfect concept for an episode of the show.”

  “We?”

  “Me,” she said with none of the hemming and hawing I might have expected. “And Philip, of course.”

  “So you researched resorts in Mexico and settled on Hacienda de la Fortuna?”

  “I knew almost right away this was the place where I’d be able to have my cake and eat it too.” As she flashed a smile I couldn’t quite call entirely genuine, yet another scream pierced the air.

  An authentic and too-familiar scream.

  “Eloise!” Frank and I shouted in unison, both of us already up from the picnic table and running in the direction where the kids had gone off to shop.

  The screamer was Eloise, and her distress was definitely real.

  Theoretically, anyway.

  We rushed over to the kids, all four of whom were standing in front of the mask display outside the store. Eloise, horror-stricken, pointed at the shoulder of an older man standing far too close to her for comfort. More specifically, the enormous creature perched on the man’s shoulder. “It’s—”

  “Just an iguana,” Trent said.

  “Jeez, El,” FJ added. “You didn’t even flinch over any of the geckos we saw around the ruins today.”

  “Ivan was there, and they weren’t so …” she faltered. “Huge.”

  The reptile in question was admittedly quadruple the size of anything I’d ever seen. It was also staring directly at my stepdaughter.

  “It lunged at me.”

  “Lo siento,” the owner of the iguana said with a smile. “Arturo is very friendly, and he does have a weakness for the ladies.”

  Arturo leered.

  Eloise shuddered.

  “Arturo,” Liam said, tickling the wobbly skin under Arturo’s chin. “What a cutie.”

  “You want to hold him?” the man asked.

  “Ugh …” Eloise mumbled, backing away.

  “I’d love to!” Liam said.

  “Fifteen pesos,” the man said.

  “I don’t have any more money,” he said.

  “I’ve got it,” FJ said.

  As he was reaching into his pocket to pay for Liam, Frank rolled his eyes. “This is more than I can take. I’m heading back to the table to finish my food.”

  I quickly paid for all three boys to hold Arturo, warned them to wash their hands after, and caught up with Frank.

  “Ridiculous,” he said, under his breath.

  Unsure whether he was referring to Eloise’s overreaction, Liam’s effusiveness, the man’s shameless hustling, FJ’s attempt to pay for his friend, or some combination of the above, I simply said, “No more ridiculous than anything else that’s going on around here.”

  “I suppose,” he said, looking over his shoulder at FJ and Liam huddled together and fawning over Arturo the iguana.

  “Liam really is a nice kid.”

  Frank shrugged. “I guess.”

  “He’s a lot more clean cut than, say, Ivan.”

  “Ivan’s a hero.”

  “Yes,” I said. “A hero with a nose ring, dreadlocks, and a tattoo, not to mention a penchant for patchouli and your daughter.”

  “Whatever,” he said.

  “You’re not usually so cavalier about suitors with less-than-corporate career paths.”

  “This is different,” he said.

  “Why’s that?” I asked.

  “We’re on vacation,” he finally said.

  “It’s definitely different than any vacation I’ve ever been on,” I said. “You know, Frank. You really need to accept that FJ—”

  “Holy moly, that really scared me,” Anastasia said, catching up to us.

  “I don’t even want to think about it,” Frank said, definitively.

  I shook my head at Frank’s level of denial. “Thank goodness it was nothing to get frightened over.”

  “I’m headed back to finish my lunch,” Frank mumbled.

  “You know,” Anastasia said with a sigh as we followed behind him. “I have to admit I’m all but ready to head out of Mexico.”

  Hell, yes, I almost said, but then thought about the implications of what she was saying for her personally. “You’re ready to leave your own honeymoon?”

  “Not from a director/producer standpoint. But from a newlywed standpoint, and given that Geo’s in a hospital bed, this whole business has been something of a win, lose, and draw.” She blew an uncharacteristically s
tray hair from her eyes. “Not necessarily in that order.”

  With her candor, I almost started to tell her that the bad guys, whoever they were, weren’t after her or Philip, and that they would be perfectly safe to resume their honeymoon as soon as we were gone. I wanted to recount my conversation with Ivan so she was assured that everything could still become a peaceful and bliss-filled memory for the two of them. I wanted to let her know that despite Ivan’s warning otherwise, the fact that she’d contacted the hotel and not vice versa meant that our shoot really did just happen to coincide with a lot of wheeling and dealing of a different variety.

  I almost did.

  That was, until I noticed a cameraman slink out a back door that corresponded to the shop where Anastasia had directed the kids. Where he’d apparently been taping the whole “spontaneous” iguana incident in secret.

  Instead of saying anything, I returned to the picnic table, slid into my spot, stared at my half-eaten taco, and listened to Frank chew.

  Not only was my appetite gone, so was my ability to believe anything—at least where my current reality was concerned.

  twenty-three

  “Welcome back,” Jorge said upon our return to the hotel. “How did everyone enjoy the ruins?”

  “Cool,” Eloise said, with less enthusiasm than she might have had she not endured a car-ride long reminder from Frank about not crying wolf.

  “Very cool,” added FJ with inflection, having managed to avoid any of Frank’s potentially more controversial opinions.

  Trent flashed the three masks he bought after the chance meet-and-greet with Arturo the iguana. “Super cool.”

  “Good,” Jorge said, “because it’s going to be hot around here all evening.” He pointed to a white board filled with evening activities. “Pool volleyball starts in five minutes.”

  “Already wearing my swim trunks,” FJ said.

  “Me too,” added Trent.

  “I’m supposed to meet Ivan at the swim-up bar,” Eloise said.

  “They’re serving margaritas poolside,” Jorge said to Frank and me.

  “Sounds like a plan,” Frank said.

  “I can’t believe how much is going on,” I said, scanning the board, which looked like a summer camp schedule for adults:

  Pool Volleyball—la grande piscina

  Fajita Fiesta—la terraza

  Salsa Dancing—estudio de baile

  Karaoke—bar junto a la piscina

  Dessert Bar—la terraza

  Moonlight Swim—la grande piscina

  “Ready to put on your dancing shoes?” Jorge said.

  “I don’t know the first thing about salsa dancing,” Frank said.

  “No experience necessary,” Jorge said.

  “I’m exhausted just thinking about it,” I said, feeling exhausted by the prospect of all the thinking I needed to do. “I’m going to have a little rest.”

  “Let’s roll,” Trent said.

  “Enjoy! And you enjoy your siesta, Señora Frugalicious,” Jorge said. “But one thing before you all scatter off …”

  He walked back toward the bell stand and produced a familiar peach-colored envelope.

  My stomach lurched as Frank reached for the note. “Apparently, we’re all going to be doing some dancing tonight,” he said, scanning the note.

  “Seriously?” FJ said.

  “I don’t dance,” Trent added.

  “Ivan said he’s a great dancer,” Eloise said.

  The boys rolled their eyes.

  “Anastasia wants us showered, dressed, and down in the lobby at seven thirty.”

  “I thought we were free for the evening,” FJ said.

  “We basically are, but the hotel wants us to get a few promotional shots of everyone relaxing and enjoying the dancing, karaoke, and the moonlight swim,” he said. “You know—business as usual …”

  Tired as I was, a nap was entirely out of the question. Instead, I pulled my computer out of the safe, powered it on, and proceeded to review, revise, and revamp the information I’d collected since I’d first written it all down a few short days earlier. Aware that I would likely be asked to pull up my spreadsheets, possibly on camera, I began by deleting what was wrong, updating, and adding to what I knew:

  WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO ALEJANDRO?

  Murdered

  Why?

  He was a bad guy?

  Other?

  By whom?

  Angry Hotel Employee?

  Disgruntled Guest?

  Other?

  How?

  Drugged and drowned

  I went into the POTENTIAL SUSPECTS and grouped all the suspects that had been already paraded by us into a master category entitled Family, and then crossed them all off.

  Seeing as I couldn’t add a second category called Mexican Mafia any more than I could add a third entitled The Family Frugalicious and list Geo, Anastasia, Frank, and everyone in the crew, I closed the file, opened EVIDENCE FOR MURDER, and put a line through everything but Sombrero Lady.

  I narrowed PEOPLE TO QUESTION to two potential categories:

  Sombrero Lady

  Other

  Unable to specify that by other, I meant the mob and/or someone(s) on the cast or crew of The Family Frugalicious, I went into to my stealth investigation sheet, SHOPPING TIPS 101, where I reread, crossed out the answered questions, added notes, and jotted down everything I needed to add to my spreadsheet:

  Alejandro’s sudden and prominent appearance at the beginning of the shoot. Coincidence, or by design?

  Alejandro’s unexpected flirtation and notes. Why?

  Suspicious behavior:

  Anastasia

  Geo

  Crew

  I added Frank to the list. Below the names, I listed all the suspicious incidents I could think of, including the crew proclaiming they’d gotten their money shot as fireworks reflected against Alejandro’s sheet-covered body, Frank’s overzealous protestations of innocence, and Anastasia’s recent hijinks at the ruins.

  The convenient timing of Alejandro’s death—moments before he’d requested we meet, and at the very spot where the final group wedding photos were to be shot.

  The killer knew the security cameras were down in that area. Did he/she/they also know the wedding photos would be shot there?

  Investigation resolved very quickly and determined to be an accident by police despite suspicious circumstances. Why?

  Fear of an organized group more powerful than the Hacienda de la Fortuna family?

  Sombrero Lady. Key to finding killer?

  Funeral scheduled even more quickly. Why?

  The sudden parade of naysayers and people with potential motive.

  I folded the final two spreadsheet items into the Suspicious Behavior by Cast and Crew category:

  Shooting schedule extended and budget increased with a single phone call to execs about an “accidental” death?

  Geo’s initial persons of interest/questions list matching mine.

  As I looked things over, it was clear I needed to simplify. Instead of adding items to the current spreadsheet, I created a new list entitled WHAT I KNOW and jotted down the facts:

  Someone drugged and drowned Alejandro.

  Someone injured Geo.

  Alejandro was a tyrant.

  I created a second list and called it WHAT I THINK I KNOW:

  The killer was part of an organized group?

  The Family Frugalicious is somehow connected to this group?

  Whoever killed Alejandro was trying to either kill/warn Ivan and hurt Geo in the process?

  After adding everything else I knew or thought I did, from my theories on why the family was so forgiving of Alejandro’s various personality deficits, their reticence to question the suspicious nature of his death, and the fact that no one seemed to have any idea how or why Ivan was a target and Geo had been dragged into the fray, I had to believe that Ivan was on to something.

  In order to figure out exactly what that was, I c
reated the most important list of all, WHAT I NEED TO FIND OUT:

  What was it that Alejandro did that resulted in his murder and a threat to everyone in the extended clan?

  Why exactly did he/she/they send a warning/attempt to kill Ivan?

  Why was The Family Frugalicious in the midst of the fray?

  I was about to start figuring out exactly how I was going to go about answering those questions when I heard the door to the suite creak open. With the sound of voices in the living room, I closed the computer, ran to the closet, and placed it back inside the safe. While I made up a new code that wasn’t some combination of our children’s birthdates to keep Frank out, I had to wonder if it would even matter. What if my (ex) husband, as part of the staff of The Family Frugalicious, was already in bed with the hotel management?

  And, perhaps, the mob?

  Frank popped his head into the room. “Anastasia just called an emergency meeting.”

  “About?”

  “Philip showed up with some new development he needs to share with us,” he said, motioning me to stand. “We need to get downstairs ASAP.”

  twenty-four

  “I’m sorry to cut into your free time,” Philip said. “But we’ve uncovered some important information.”

  “That’s why we’re here,” Frank pronounced, as though Alejandro’s murder was the sole reason we were down in Mexico in the first place.

  For all I knew, it had been all along.

  “Whadda ya got?” I asked, sounding like a bad noir detective.

  Seeing as our interchange was already cheesy, and, of course, taking place in front of the cameras, I was sure Anastasia would yell cut.

  Instead, she gave us the thumbs up.

  So did our part-time reverend, full-time police officer, not-quite-attractive-enough-to-be-on-camera, newly minted technical consultant Steve.

  “We’ve spent all day with the local authorities,” Philip said. “And we have a number of new leads.”

  “Fantastic,” Frank said, a bit too enthusiastically.

  Philip reached for some papers Steve had just placed right outside of the camera shot. “Here is a credible list of people who might have had a grudge against Alejandro and/or Ivan.”

  “Ivan?” Eloise asked plaintively.

  “Someone came after him for a reason,” Philip said. “We need to find out what it is.”

  “But—”