by Kate L. Mary
Asa’s fingers moved up again, this time to the dots above my eyebrows. “And these?”
“They are given at birth, or in my case, when I was brought to my mother. They signify what family I belong to. Anja has the same markings, as did my father, but my mother wore the markings of her father.”
His fingers moved up again, this time to the symbols on my forehead. He traced them longer, taking his time, the tip of his finger moving over each dot and line as if he were trying to wipe them away. In front of him, I sat perfectly still, totally mesmerized by the expression on his face and how close he was to me.
When he looked down, his gaze captured mine, holding it as he said, “And these are for your husband.”
“We were both given them on our wedding day.”
I whispered this part, as if I found speaking of that day difficult or inappropriate with this man sitting in front of me. Only I was not sure if it was true, especially when I could not make myself even pretend I wanted him to leave. Not when he was so close and so beautiful, and not with the warmth of his skin calling to me the way the songbirds called out to one another in spring.
“And if you marry again?” Asa said after only a beat of silence. “Will the markings change?”
For the first time since I lay down at his side, I was filled with uncertainty. “I will not marry again, Asa,” I said, my voice softer than a whisper. “We do not mix with other villages, and all the men from my tribe have been wiped out. I am a ghost now.”
He nodded as he always did, saying nothing while his gaze once again focused on my face. His fingers moved down to my left temple and then my cheek, tracing the lines on them before cupping my face. He did not meet my gaze again at first, but instead looked me over, his eyes focusing on every dot and line and circle, taking it all in like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. My heart thumped in my chest, harder and harder with each passing second, and by the time his eyes were once again focused on mine, I was holding my breath, waiting to find out what he was going to do. And how I was going to respond.
“And there is no one else you would consider?”
The air I had been holding in whooshed from my lungs. I had expected him to kiss me again, not to say this. Not to ask about something that could never happen.
“Would you marry outside your people?” I said instead of answering his question.
“I don’t think there are any women in my village who would have me.” His hand fell away from my face, and I was instantly sorry for the loss.
Asa looked away for the first time since stepping into my alcove, and something about it made my heart beat faster. Had something happened to him? If so, it no doubt had to do with me. Had I caused trouble in his life?
“Why?” I asked him. “What has happened?”
“Greer has spread stories about me. He’s told the entire village about my relationship with you, the girl who tried to kill Lysander. The other Fortis look at me like I’m a traitor now. Thankfully, word hasn’t reached the Sovereign.” His brown eyes darted my way, but only for a moment before once again moving to the glowing creatures on the ceiling. “We both know what would happen if it did.”
Fear gripped me at the thought of Asa having to face the wrath of the Sovereign, and with it came guilt because it was my fault.
“Helping me has destroyed your life.”
“If it has, I haven’t learned my lesson.” When he shifted his gaze to my face again, the warmth had returned to his brown eyes. “I’m here now, ready to help you yet again.”
“How are you going to help me, Asa? What have you come to tell me?”
“I came to warn you that Lysander hasn’t forgotten about you. He wants to make sure you’re dead.”
“He will have a difficult time killing me from inside the city.”
Despite my confidence, my heart beat faster. I wanted Lysander to come find me, I realized. I wanted to kill him for real this time, to make sure he could never hurt another person.
“He’ll send the Fortis,” Asa said.
“Let him.” I lifted my chin so I was looking down at the man next to me. “I am ready for it.”
Asa let out a sigh, and a wall went up between us. He looked away again, making it impossible for me to read his expression. “You’re talking about my people, Indra.”
“I am talking about people who have done unspeakable things to me, to the people I love. Just as you know you will get wet if you step into the river, you must know your people have committed acts of violence against Outliers for centuries.”
Asa’s head bobbed. He kept his eyes on the ceiling, but this time I could read his thoughts. He was ashamed. Ashamed both by what his people had done, as well as the fact that he could say nothing to defend them.
“I know,” he finally said.
“Then you must understand why.”
Asa did not respond and he did not look at me. I wanted to give him space, so I mimicked his position by rolling onto my back and staring up at the ceiling, at the glowing creatures above. As if sensing I was watching it, one of the bugs lifted its tail, and the light it gave off intensified.
I was still looking at the little bug when Asa’s fingers brushed my arm. I turned my head his way and found him propped up on his one good arm, staring down at me. All the shame and hurt from a few seconds ago was gone, and the expression I had seen in his eyes a hundred times before was back. Only, in the tight space, it seemed so much more intense than it ever had before.
He was close enough that I imagined I could hear the beat of his heart, and I found myself reaching out to touch him. With my hand flat against his chest, his heart thumped against my palm. His body heat was more intense than the sun burning down on the wastelands, only instead of wishing it would go away, I wanted to let it engulf me.
“Indra,” he whispered, and I moved my gaze up to meet his once again. “I want to be with you.”
“I know,” I said.
He paused for a moment as if waiting for me to say more. When I remained quiet, he said, “Do you want me?”
I swallowed, already knowing how I was going to respond, but unsure of the complications it would bring to my life. Unsure of what the consequences would be.
“In my village, people do not lay together unless they are married,” I began, saying it for my own benefit as much as for his, “but my village is gone now, and I have started a new tribe. We have brought some of our old ways with us, like the passage markings, but we have had to adopt new ways as well. Before my tribe was wiped out, women needed men to protect them, to take care of them, but we have no men now, and so we must be strong on our own.”
I moved my hand up his chest to the back of his neck, and pulled him down until his lips were on mine, doing what I had not done earlier. Kissing him. Letting myself really feel the kiss, opening my mouth to his prompting, and allowing his tongue to trace mine.
The longer it went on, the more forceful it became, and soon I found myself pulling him closer, kissing him deeper. His hand moved over my body, pushing the fur aside so I was bare to him. Heat flared through me, and with it came a need I had not felt in more than a year.
I pulled back, gasping, but I only broke the kiss long enough to say, “My tribe is gone now, and so are the old ways.”
When Asa’s mouth covered mine again, his hands were already pushing the rest of the fur from my body. I helped him, freeing my flesh so I could give it to him. When he ran his hands over me, the feeling was familiar, and yet so different at the same time. Asa’s hands were larger, stronger, and more calloused, but his touch was gentle and almost hesitant.
“You will not hurt me,” I whispered between kisses.
“I don’t want to scare you.”
I pulled away so I could look into his eyes again, marveling at the softness in them. At how different he was from the rest of his people. “You could not scare me, Asa, because you make me feel safer. I want this. I want you.”
He was still star
ing at me when I moved my hands down his body. My fingers undid the button on his pants, and I worked to push them off. Asa helped me then, kissing me as we worked together to remove his clothes.
Then he was free of them and his bare skin was against mine. He was all hard muscle, his body huge compared to mine, but having him against me was not overwhelming or scary. It was freeing. Like I was letting some of the pain from the last year and a half go. Like I was looking toward the future. It made it seem like there was happiness and a future within my grasp, and even though I was not yet ready to acknowledge exactly what my feelings for this man were, I loved this moment with him. Loved that he was helping me feel more whole, and stronger.
Afterward, we stayed in my little alcove, naked and stretched out next to each other. The floor was hard, but the pile of furs helped cushion us from the rocks. Between the fur underneath me and the man at my side, I found a comfort I had not known since before Bodhi was killed and my world fell apart. It was more welcome than I could have thought possible.
Asa was as silent as ever, content to simply stare at me as he ran his fingers up and down my arm. The intensity of his gaze took me back to Saffron’s house, to the weeks following our first interaction. I had stumbled and almost fallen, and Asa, a Fortis guard who by all rights should have hated me, had reached out as if trying to stop my fall. Before that day, I had barely known he existed, but afterward it had seemed like he never stopped watching me. It was not until much later that I realized he had been aware of me long before I noticed him.
“When did you first notice me?” I asked him.
Asa’s fingers stopped moving, and I twisted my body until I was on my side, facing him. For a moment he said nothing while his brown eyes swept down over my naked body before moving back up to my face.
“On your first day,” he finally said. “I noticed you right away.”
“Why?” I asked. “What made you notice me more than all the other Outliers working in Saffron’s house?”
His mouth twitched like he was holding back a smile. “Because you’re beautiful.”
A laugh I could not hold in popped out of me. Of all the things I had expected him to say, this had not been one.
He smiled, a real smile that lit up his eyes. “What’s so funny?”
“You claim you love me, but you did not fall in love with my beauty.”
“No.” He was still smiling when he pulled his gaze from mine so he could watch his hand as it once again began moving up and down my arm. “I noticed your strength. How you always put others before yourself. Mira, especially.” The grin faded, and he shook his head like he was trying to push something from his mind. “I know what happens in the city, and I know what you’ve sacrificed. I saw you protect Mira. I saw you take the girl under your wing—Isa?” His eyes flitted up to mine as if for confirmation, and I nodded. “When she started her job, you worked hard to help her. Then there was the boy whose hand was cut off. You were totally focused on him during his first day, desperate to make sure he did everything right.”
I looked down when sadness gripped me. “It did no good, but I tried.”
“You tried. That’s the important part.” He paused for a moment before saying, “What happened to him?”
“He died when our village was burned down. Just like almost everyone else.”
“I’m sorry,” Asa whispered.
He leaned forward and pressed his lips against my forehead, and I closed my eyes. For a moment, he did not move away, and when he finally took hold of my shoulder and urged me to turn over, I complied, moving so I was on my stomach, my heart beating faster and my eyes still closed. I knew what Asa was looking at, and I had no desire to see his expression when he did. I had never seen the scars decorating my back with my own eyes, but I had felt them. They would not be pretty, but that wasn’t what made me avoid looking at Asa. I did not want to see the pain that would most definitely be shimmering in his eyes.
After I was whipped, my back had been in ruins, but that had not been the worst part. The injuries had healed much faster than my heart had, and at the time there had been a part of me that was sure it never would. Not completely. With Asa at my side now, I found I no longer believed that.
He said nothing, and I kept my eyes closed as he ran his hand down my back, over the scars. It was not long before he urged me to move again, only this time onto my back. My eyes were still closed when his lips covered mine, and the intensity of the kiss nearly took my breath away. Anxious to feel him, to have him closer, I shoved the furs away.
It was not until he was on top of me that I finally opened my eyes. “Why do you love me?”
Asa’s gaze held mine as he his body hovered over me. “I ask myself that every day. The only answer I’ve been able to come up with is that you’re the best thing I’ve ever seen. In a world where I’m surrounded by darkness and anger and hatred, you’re something that shouldn’t exist. You’re good and pure. You’re everything the world should be.”
The words rang in my ears as he moved closer, kissing me while his body covered mine, and in that moment I acknowledged a truth to myself. Asa was the only thing that could heal the remaining cracks in my heart. More importantly, I could not help thinking he had been made for that exact purpose.
Early the next morning, while most of my people were still safely tucked away in their private spaces, I escorted Asa through the caves. The few women who were up watched him with weary eyes, but I did not lower my head in shame, and I felt none about what had happened between us. In my old tribe, what I had done would have been wrong even if it had been with a Winta man, but this was not my old tribe, and Fortis or not, I wanted Asa.
I was not a fool, though, and there was no doubt in my mind that I would have to answer for what had happened here. Xandra watched us pass in silence, her eyes burning with questions. She had trusted me with her secrets, and I would do the same with her. Before the day was out, she and I would talk about Asa.
We came from two very different worlds, something I was well aware of, but I also knew that the future held no certainty for either of us. A year had gone by between our last meeting and this one, and with the war looming between his people and mine, even more time could pass before we met again. There was also a very good chance the goodbye we shared today would be our last. The thought pained me, but it was reality. Nothing was certain in this world.
Asa and I stopped in the main chamber where he leaned down, allowing me to once again blindfold him. I wrapped the strip of leather around his head and tied it tight, then ran my hands down his face, stopping on his cheeks. He was still bent, and all I had to do was lift myself up on the tips of my toes. The kiss was gentle and sad, and filled with the uncertainty our futures held, but we did not mention any of that.
When I finally broke the kiss, I ran my hand down his arm, entwining my fingers with his before leading him outside.
No more snow had fallen during the night, which I was grateful for. Each time it did, we were forced to leave fresh footprints in the snow, making it more and more likely that someone would be able to follow us back to the caves.
I kept a firm grip on Asa’s hand as I led him through the woods, winding around the area for much longer than necessary before finally taking the blindfold off. We were at the edge of the river by then, more than a mile from the caves, and from here he would easily be able to find his way back to his own village. Back to his own people and his own world, and possibly away from me forever.
“Thank you for coming to warn me,” I said as we stood facing one another.
Pain filled his eyes, and even before he spoke, I knew what he was going to say. “I want to see you again.”
“It is too dangerous,” I said gently, even though inside my heart was aching with the desire to tell him we could make it work. “You must know I cannot risk it.”
Asa took my hand in his, and I stared down at our entwined fingers. My skin was pale against his, snowy where his was dark and warm
, and looking at the contrast made it seem impossible that we should fit together the way we had last night, but we had. We had fit together so perfectly that even if I never saw him again, I would never be able to forget the feeling.
“Is this goodbye, then?” he finally said.
I tore my gaze away from our hands so I could look up into his brown eyes, and the emotion in them made my breath catch in my throat.
“For now,” I somehow managed to whisper.
He pulled me forward, and when he took me in his arms and kissed me, I was able to return the kiss with no shame and no remorse. No matter what happened, I would never regret the night Asa and I had spent together.
After only a moment, he pulled back. “Until we meet again,” he said quietly, his lips close enough that they brushed mine.
“Until we meet again,” I whispered in response.
Asa released me and stepped back. He stared at me for only a beat before turning away, and then he disappeared into the forest, and I was left standing alone. Again.
17
It was not a surprise to find Xandra waiting for me when I returned. She stood just outside the cave opening—bundled in the black jacket of one of the Fortis hunters she had killed—her dark eyes watching me as I approached, but there was very little judgment in them. Only curiosity.
“I thought we had gotten to know one another so well,” she said when I stopped in front of her, “but you have surprised me once again, Indra. A Fortis guard?” She shook her head, but again there was nothing about her body language to indicate she was angry. “I never would have guessed it.”
My fingers tightened around my bow, which was slung over my shoulder. “He is trustworthy.”
“I believe you.” Xandra tilted her head to the side, studying me. “This is the same man who helped you home after your punishment?”
“It is.”
“I heard about it, of course, but at the time no one knew what to make of the situation.” She pulled the jacket tighter around her body. “Having that man lead you into the village, then carry you to your mother’s hut, caused quite an uproar. Mira was with you and she vouched for him, but people still talked.”