Three Plays: The Last Carnival; Beef, No Chicken; and A Branch of the Blue Nile

by Derek Walcott

  CEDRIC

  Terrific!

  FRANCO

  No, Otto. Like this! [Moves to spot, reads script, waves at camera] Hello, folks. Helllllllllooooooh!

  DRUSILLA

  Mr. Franco, wait! He has to say “Action!”

  FRANCO

  I know, I know, I’m just having a run-through, that’s all. Suppose I keep this on like a detective and suddenly discover this … roti … you know … like Columbus …

  CEDRIC

  Columbo. We have to focus. Wait!

  FRANCO

  I don’t think you follow, nuh. This is not the Mysterious Stranger; this is marriage or jail. We got to do this fast and do it now. Okay, I cross … [Rehearsing] right to this roti. And I say, like those gumshoes on the tube: “Yes. Yes. I guess it’s all over. Yeah. I guess he had it coming to him.” … And then, you know, here’s the shock, a sort of mistaken-identity thing, everybody think is … Let me just show you … [Acting] “Yeah. He had it coming to him all right. [Lifting a corner of the roti. American accent] Everybody thinks it’s chicken. He was no chicken. He was one tough customer. But don’t mind the chicken shortage, folks. It’s beef. And whose beef? Otto’s!” Then the music, baradama, bradabam ping-ping and so on, Radio sings that stupid calypso, and so on … Well??? Overdone, eh?

  CEDRIC

  It’s not your best work. Let the camera do the acting. It’s not … life. It’s television.

  FRANCO

  But why can’t I …

  [SUMINTRA enters]

  SUMINTRA

  [Singing]

  Because!…

  OTTO

  Because?

  SUMINTRA

  [Striding into spotlight] Because is right! Because is right here. Today Saturday, and I come for my salary! Oho! You all making a film? [Clears her throat. Sings] Be …

  CEDRIC

  Cut! Stay right there, behind the roti, and when I drop my hand, you start.

  EUPHONY

  [Enters] I don’t want this woman in my picture.

  SUMINTRA

  You still here? You ain’t married yet? [Goes near the roti] What is that? Poor thing. Is your sister make it, nuh? Begin with “Because”? Let Singh sing and you can forget what you owe me …

  CEDRIC

  Why not? And Mr. Franco, your cue will be Have a roti, authentic at Otto’s. Then the Indian lady …

  SUMINTRA

  [Sings]

  Because …

  FRANCO

  [Acting] Because Otto’s the place, etc. I get it, I get it. I’m no amateur, you know. I played South Pacific in San Fernando.

  CEDRIC

  Was it rough? I want that quality, so let’s keep it raw, all right. Raw.

  FRANCO

  [Roars] Aarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhh …

  CEDRIC

  What de arse you doing, excuse me? [Goes to FRANCO] Indian lady!

  [SUMINTRA grabs roti, lifting it up]

  CEDRIC

  Franco! Zip it in! Fast! Zip it in, Franco!

  SUMINTRA

  [Long high note]

  Because …

  CEDRIC

  [Shouting] Hold the can up, Mr. Hogan, Hold the can up, Mr. Hogan, and smile. Lie! Lie! Smile. Go, Franco, zip it in!

  FRANCO

  [Reading rapidly. Taking roti from SUMINTRA, who is holding the long note] Ehh? Oh! No kidding, folks: Because it’s Otto’s for the best road on the snack. Oh shucks. No folksing, kid, or, blast! Because no kidding snacks, no joking, folks … [Pause] Because— [Faster] Because no joking, folks, it’s Otto’s for the road best on the snacks … [Deep breath, his hand up, then intimately into the camera] Because. No kidding, folks. It’s Otto’s for the best snack on the road!

  [All congratulate FRANCO. SUMINTRA is still singing]

  CEDRIC

  Fantastic! Cut! Print. Wonderful! Congrats, Auntie Euphony!

  [Hugs a stunned EUPHONY]

  SCENE 2

  Late afternoon. The café is empty. The MAYOR and the LIMER enter, both in suits.

  MAYOR

  So he was making a film about Couva? How come he didn’t ask me?

  LIMER

  You was busy taking bribe.

  MAYOR

  Ay! You in it, Radio?

  LIMER

  The video? O’viously.

  MAYOR

  Who else?

  LIMER

  [Counting on his fingers] It have me … Franco …

  MAYOR

  Franco in it? He make a picture with all that, and he couldn’t ask the Mayor? To say just a few words in his civic capacity? You think they would make a picture about New York and leave out the Mayor? He put Franco in it, eh? Franco can’t act better than me.

  LIMER

  Than I.

  MAYOR

  Or than you exactly. Who, after all, is Hernando Cadiz? Just a half-Portuguee man from the cocoa country. [Blows his nose]

  LIMER

  Your Honour?

  MAYOR

  [Irascibly] What?

  LIMER

  I ain’t want to interrupt you, but you came here on important business. Very important. A matter of life and death.

  MAYOR

  Life and death. Is one or the other. Life or death … [Puts away his handkerchief]

  LIMER

  The bomb. Blow your nose again. It have a little … [Points]

  MAYOR

  Thank you. [Wipes his nose] Which bomb, boy? [Blows his nose louder, wipes it carefully] Okay now?

  LIMER

  The bomb threat? The letter you still have in your pocket?

  MAYOR

  [Absently] Oho! The bomb … [Leaps up] Oh shit, yes! The bomb threat! How you could let me forget?

  [CARDIFF JOE, in a miner’s overalls, hat with lamp, grimy, rises from behind the bar and passes between the MAYOR and the LIMER]

  CARDIFF JOE

  [Nods] Your Honour. [Exits]

  MAYOR

  Who was that?

  LIMER

  Is either an electrician or a coal miner.

  MAYOR

  It ain’t have no coal in Couva.

  LIMER

  It ain’t have much electricity, either.

  MAYOR

  No, no! Is the miner. He was laying wire. Come over here. Look. [Holds up a length of wire] All the time we talking, he was back here. Where this lead to? [He follows the wire to the cash register] You think I should pull it out?

  LIMER

  And blow up this place?

  [OTTO enters in suit, tie, vest, boutonniere, carrying a cake, which he sets on a table]

  OTTO

  Good afternoon, Radio. Good afternoon, Mr. Mayor, Mr. Betrayer.

  MAYOR

  Why you always keep calling me that? What is it I betray? [Tastes the cake icing] Nice cake, boy. You like Couva this way? You like cows lying down in the middle of the road, and cars waiting till they feel to get up? You like children bathing under the stand-pipe? You like a post office so small two people can’t turn round to post a letter? You like all that? You like nature? And you, a mechanic?

  OTTO

  I like things the way they was.

  MAYOR

  You like mosquitoes? You like things simple because you’re a simpleton. You know is I who eradicate mosquitoes from Couva? You put that in your film? Tell us what you want. Tell us where the bomb is.

  OTTO

  Bomb? What bomb?

  MAYOR

  My purpose here is disarmament talks. We could call the bomb squad, but if is a hoax, investigation next, and Lai-Fook and Mongroo not quite ready to dead for their country.

  OTTO

  That comes with the job. You took such an oath.

  MAYOR

  Such an oath, my backside. You go make us look like trembling jackasses on the platform. Call off the threat. Defuse and disarm. You remember Albert Ross? The poem we learn in school? Well, I may be the Honourable Hernando Cadiz, but … [Removing mayoral chain] this chain is an Albert Ros
s round my neck. A coal-miner test just pass through here. You know why? I resign. You’re mayor now.

  OTTO

  I can’t accept, sorry.

  MAYOR

  Why you dress up so?

  OTTO

  I can’t put on a suit? My sister getting married.

  MAYOR

  A nice gold chain would go well with the suit. Here. You wear it. [Removes the mayoral chain] Listen: Four o’clock this morning, before cock drag on his drawers, I get a phone call from a voice with a hat. I could tell the voice had a hat on. “Hernando Cadiz, Thy Kingdom Come.” People watching too much TV. In the good old days they’d a’ just throw a rock. Now they going in phone booths with a hat and hattacking you. Then, next thing, this note: [Reads] “Members of the Couva Borough Council, congratulations. The Day of Judgment is here. When my bomb goes off, you will be launched into the future like rockets from your platform.” [The MAYOR ambles over to the register] What is this? What will happen if I pull it? [He holds up a wire extension attached to the cash register]

  OTTO

  What is it? A piece of wire. Why you forever asking me questions? You hold up a hat and ask me what it is. I tell you a hat. You hold up a piece of wire, you ask me to identify it. That is piece of wire.

  MAYOR

  This piece of wire must lead straight across the road to the reviewing stand.

  OTTO

  Try it. Go ahead.

  MAYOR

  For them to find my hat in Tunapuna and my balls in Port of Spain?

  [OTTO presses the register. The MAYOR ducks. It rings. The LIMER goes to the window, looks out …]

  LIMER

  I tape the minutes of the last meeting, Mr. Mayor. So you better do what Mr. Hogan ask.

  [Sings, rap style]

  You got pol-ice coming and the CID.

  You got Franco talking like the BBC.

  You got the Mayor sweating and the council scared,

  so come on, Hernando, just use your head.

  Gotta find the fuse and I mean pretty soon,

  or they’ll blow up the platform this afternoon,

  but you can’t get the bomb squad in this situation

  ’cause it’s gonna mean an investigation,

  and either you cats give back every cent

  or you tell them where the money for the highway went.

  When you …

  MAYOR

  [Screams] Shut up, Radio! What gibberish is that?

  MONGROO

  [Enters with LAI-FOOK] What happen? The disarmament talk break down?

  OTTO

  Eh-heh?

  MONGROO

  May I speak to you privately? Councillor Lai-Fook, Mr. Mayor, will you excuse us for one second!

  LAI-FOOK

  One second. [Pause] Two second. [Pause] You on overtime.

  [MONGROO goes downstage near a corner, waits; then OTTO joins him]

  MONGROO

  Sit down at this table, keep your voice low, keep nodding your head, and as I talking, listen. Okay, my gestures will not match what I’m saying, because I don’t want them to guess that I’m making a deal with you to share in the Mongroo complex, but don’t pay attention to my hands, they not going to coordinate with my offer. For instance, I’ll cough a lot, as if I’m nervous. [Coughs] Tomorrow, after they bulldoze this shop.

  MAYOR

  Hurry it up, hurry it up, two of all you.

  MONGROO

  [Gesturing and whispering] Those two jackasses in the corner, the Chinese jackass and the half-Spanish jackass, they ain’t in our class, Otto, le’ we face it. From the small bribe they accept, I have no respect for them. [Coughs]

  OTTO

  Excuse me.

  MONGROO

  What? [Grips OTTO’s hand] Where you going?

  OTTO

  Say “Excuse me.” You coughed.

  MONGROO

  Excuse me. Pardon me, God forgive me, okay? Everybody so polite! Bend your head a little closer. Thank you; look down at the table, while I draw something as I talking … Look, look here. You and I in a partnership. Sign.

  LAI-FOOK

  Mongroo. Time up!

  OTTO

  Listen, trust me, I don’t think there’s a bomb.

  MONGROO

  I got to catch this flight to Fort Lauderdale.

  [They are huddled, whispering]

  OTTO

  That’s where the bomb is. The Fort Lauderdale flight. We keeping up with the outside world. I’d join you all on the platform but I have this wedding. Soon. I’m giving away the bride.

  MONGROO

  I hope is to the proper authorities. The Spirit that stop the work on the highway, the big hat with her name, the fact that because my cousin the Bank Manager refuse you credit she hire two gunmen to rob my payroll, the big film all you making with my money now, and the bomb threat to crown it all? I wish she was working for me, I’ll tell you. Like any good Christian woman she have a sound sense of crime. You tell her she win, on her wedding day. I ain’t pressing charges, the payroll was insured, I can’t use the hat, and Jesu, look at the time! [Checks his watch] You signing? HOGAN-MONGROO MALL, HOGAN-MONGROO ENTERPRISES. We go both drop charges. And let the future proceed.

  LIMER

  The Minister like he sending some police. To ask if the councillors ain’t coming. Everything ready. Police Band, the Couva Secondary Cadet Force, and a whole line of traffic waiting like racehorses at the tape. Best go, or it go look very strange.

  MONGROO

  Shake? Deal? You does use up my kerchiefs, boy.

  OTTO

  Shake, Mongroo. Deal. Leave the contract. I go sign it after my sister’s wedding. Go. There’s no bomb. [MONGROO, LAI-FOOK, MAYOR prepare to leave. Band music] Wait. I have a prophecy: you could call it Hogan’s Law. The more road you build, the more cars you have; the more cars you have, the more highways you build. The more highways you have, the faster you go, but the one question is “Where the hell you going?” So, goodbye, old road. That road used to go wherever it mind take it. Sometimes, in the afternoon, when it had no traffic, the warm road would lie down and roll over on his back, like a pothound warming his belly in the sun. The road was honest, I was like the road. Well, now let the angel go through the city, with a lantern in his hand, looking all through Couva for one honest man, and he shall find none. My father must be spinning like a top in his grave.

  [MONGROO, LAI-FOOK exit]

  MAYOR

  You go feel better. It will pass. You made your bread honestly, by legalized crime. You are now one of the boys. Welcome. And by-the-by, partner, next time you make a picture, I’d appreciate a part. What’s the problem? [Turns on his way out]

  OTTO

  Nothing. I wish I knew where the bomb is, Hernando.

  MAYOR

  What? [Loud, forced laughter] You hear that, Radio? [Embracing OTTO] This man is a killer, yes. You kill me, you know that, you and that sense of humour of yours. He wish he knew where the bomb is! [Sighs] You gave us your word.

  OTTO

  I gave you my word, but is not my bomb. Excuse me. Hasta la vista, Hernando. The wedding guests reach.

  [MITZI and FRANCO enter, he in his cadet officer’s uniform. OTTO places drinks under the counter]

  MAYOR

  Ah, Mrs. Almandoz! And Captain Franco … Everything is fine! Everything is as it should be. How lucky you are to be where you are. Whereas I have to run. Come, Radio.

  [MAYOR and LIMER exit]

  MITZI

  I didn’t know you were in the army, Captain Franco! You look quite dashing.

  [Martial music begins]

  FRANCO

  You’re absolutely correct. But I paid for this uniform and I’m entitled to wear it.

  OTTO

  Captain? With all them medals I thought was Generalissimo Franco.

  FRANCO

  I have lost my fiancée, but ah well! I hope the little monkeys recite beautifully. We rehearsed so much in the hot sun by the
old tree. There’s the police band; the tubas look like allamandas in the sunshine. What a day this is for Couva! Well, now that I’m free, I may must pop down to your flower shop and pick your petals sometime.

  MITZI

  They’re all wax, I’m afraid.

  [FRANCO, MITZI, OTTO applaud as EUPHONY enters in bridal dress. Pauses]

  EUPHONY

  If Alwyn don’t show up in the next ten minutes, I’m marrying you, Eldridge. I waited ten years, but now ten minutes is too much.

  [CARDIFF JOE enters, in miner’s clothes, grimed, dusty, accompanied by a bearded vagrant, the DEACON, in a parson’s collar]

  CARDIFF JOE

  They had their oil boom and they blew it away;

  well, now it’s my boom, I’m going to blow them away!

  Euphony, meet the Reverend Cyril Goodman,

  Apostle of the Gospel of the Church Itinerant,

  as broke and barefooted as our Lord Himself.

  Hit it, Cyril! Action. Let’s start our ceremony!

  EUPHONY

  You getting married in this miner’s thing? Who the hell you think I am? Clementine?

  CARDIFF JOE

  Mr. Goodman, this lady here is my bride-to-be. I’m very glad I met you. Don’t you remember who you are? We went to school together, man. Otto, this is … is … Goodman? Cyril Goodman?… You’re a parson now? Alwyn Davies? We went to school together? What a coincidence! How would you like to marry me, Cyril?

  DEACON

  I’m already spoken for.

  EUPHONY

  Alwyn? You crazy?

  CARDIFF JOE

  This man here’s an ordained preacher, he’s a man of the cloth.

  OTTO

  I go get Daddy’s Bible. The bomb is a joke, right? [Exits]

  EUPHONY

  What bomb?

  CARDIFF JOE

  They’re going to cut the ribbon any second now. Try, try, the wedding ceremony, Cyril. Try, squeeze your eyes, try, try, squeeze, Cyril …

  FRANCO

  [At the window] The Mayor’s mounting the platform, his chain just wink in the sunset. Don’t “dese” and “dose,” Hernando boy. Don’t let me down.

  [OTTO rushes back with the Bible]

  OTTO

  Here is the Bible … Let us face the altar. Or the counter, and count our blessings.

  [They arrange themselves. The DEACON presses the cash register. It rings. Otto opens the Bible at the frontispiece]