by Caldon Mull
“ G’night stud, great work…”
“Hey, Andy…” Michel’s voice stopped me at the door. “Hmmmm…?”
“You all right…?” Michel’s voice drifted to me among the shuffling papers he was rolling up and stacking.
“Yeah Mano, fine… why?”
“You look… different, somehow.”
“How so, buddy?” I turned to face him.
“Dunno…” he peered at me. “Different… No, that’s not it…” I smiled at him and waited for his scrutiny to end. “Y’know, you had all these ‘keep-away-from-me’ lines on your face, and your smile just now… something… Nah! I’m just tired… Go to bed already!”
“Sure, sleep tight buddy.” I grinned at him, he was being silly.
“Nope!” he still stared at me intently “That’s definitely new. It’s the smile. I can see all the way into you.”
“You bein’ a girl…” I chortled, amused “You can’t have an x-ray smile, dumbass…”
“Not that!” Michel flushed, impatient with me “It’s like… you… you’re showing everything you were hiding before, right out there, all of a sudden… it’s… beautiful…”
“Nice try…” I laughed easily “But my ass is goin’ to bed tonight, alone.”
“Fool!” Michel blushed, then laughed “I’m too tired anyway.” Michel frowned and then said quietly, “But I’m sure, now… you changed, somehow. It looks like you doin’ something for yourself that’s good for you. Ever since the Sweat Lodge, you been changin’, like a caterpillar… You showing more and more of yourself… your real self, an’ you making more decisions that help you, without taking away anything from anyone else.”
“Maybe…” I shrugged, embarrassed.
“My ass, maybe!” Michel grinned “I’m telling you. Your skin fits you now, Andy. You look at me like that and I see right into your soul, looking back at me. It’s all innocent an’ loving an’ maybe just a little bit shy… but not afraid anymore. You got purpose from somewhere, an’ it looks like you startin’ to flex that jus’ a little bit.”
“Hmmm…” I nodded watching him, watching me “P’raps.”
“I think it’s good.” Michel whispered “No one who’s ever known you can hurt you, not like that. Nothin’ you change inside you can ever hurt us, not like that. You change what you need to, we’ll always be here for you…” Michel yawned hugely, suddenly “… An’ you better keep that smile, it’ll melt hearts at fifty yards.”
“Heh!” I smiled gently at him “Maybe you right, I ain’t sayin’… sweet dreams, Mano.”
“You too.” Michel turned and started to shut down the computer cluster.
I tucked in next to Bobby, suddenly crushed by fatigue, everything checked off my list, everything right in the world. I closed my eyes on a perfect day, and drifted off. Bobby sighed quietly in his sleep and melted into my arms. I fell asleep with his warmth next to me and with Cat at my feet, kneading the covers and purring, curling to sleep in a nest he had made beside my ankles.
I felt a faint singing feeling inside of me, and couldn’t figure out where it was coming from or why it would be there. My last thought was suddenly very clear in the brief moment before there is no thought at all, who ever said that people can’t purr as well as well as Cat…
Chapter Nineteen
I guess this journal is starting to get quite big. I’ve been reading it quite a lot lately, making sure I remember myself from those times. It seems to be working, I have memories of those events, I feel those incidents as well. The shrinks insist that this was a part of my therapy, and I must admit that I didn’t quite believe it. Dad used to do it, and I never could quite work out why until I remembered that he was in the Great War and probably had some demons of his own to excise. When I have the time, I will find that journal of his and read it through. If I really wanted to know him, I guess I’ll find it in there. I think I should do it.
By now you will have heard that we did win our League, everyone in the State would have heard the cheers from the Stadium at Charlotte as the final whistle blew. The finals between Storyville and Dry County had nearly filled the stadium, the first time a League final had so many supporters for almost twenty years.
The Dry County boys put up a huge game and Will played like a star. There were turnarounds all the way through the game, and the pressure was there constantly. Will panicked in the last quarter and tried to punt a field goal, but it shouldn’t come as a surprise that it missed. Close, but no cigar. If my memory serves, only two of those calls have ever been made in the history of all the Leagues, and Will’s wasn’t one of them.
On the next play, I picked up an interception and threw a long pass to Alex who ran it through to touchdown. Bobby kicked on the extra point in his conversion and there we were sitting, seven points clear instead of three points down if Will had made the punt. Will kicked a set field goal in the last seconds and when the whistle blew we had won by four points. I don’t know who was happier, the crowd or the scouts. When we got back to the lockers, there were contracts waiting for us.
We met up later at a swank bar and compared notes, Will and me and the boys. We had offers for Alex and me, Bobby and Will, Flash, Shane and Dean to join University and State Teams from all over the Leagues.
“That’s seven offers for our ‘bush league’ guys… Oh, man… I got such a hard-on!” Alex grinned blurrily as he drained his brewski.
“Well, I’m not signing. I’m too old now. This was gonna be my last League year, I was gonna finish it on a high, y’know winning the cup…” Will paused dramatically.
“Naaaaaahhhhhhh…” we all jeered and burst out laughing. Will shrugged sheepishly, slapped Alex on the shoulder heartily “But well done Blunt, you the man!”
“You know I’m not going, either.” Shane planted a smooch on Alex’s ruffled hair “I got me too many other things to do. ‘Sides, I’m getting my head ready for another year in League. That’s my speed. Jase and I got a business to run.”
“Well, I’m going.” Dean sighed deeply. “I really thought about it, an’ Alex needs someone to keep him sane, like we promised.”
“Wolfpack! Wolfpack! Wolfpack!” we hooted out, the club laughed with us.
“And you, Andy?” Flash beamed at me. I held my breath. Bobby and I talked about this and I knew what he had decided to do.
“No.” I sipped my Millers slowly. “I ain’t never been interested, Flash. I love the game, I love the play but it ain’t never gonna be any full-time with me. I got other things I gotta do.”
“Heh!” Will grinned “Like that’s a surprise, Big Guy. I reckon the only ones who are gonna be surprised are the scouts.”
“I ain’t going.” Bobby said simply, swigging on a root beer. For five seconds, you could have heard a pin drop in the space around us. “I gotta Lodge to run, train up a full squad for next year’s league and I gotta spend some time with my folks now that Pop’s been told its terminal, and its jes’ weeks left.”
“You sure now, Cappy?” I held his gaze, steady… like there was no-one else around us. “Yeah, no regrets for me… I’m sure, Big Guy. I’m sure.” Bobby nodded, smiled.
“Sorry to hear that, man.” Alex said softly “You OK?”
“Yeah, I’m good. I gotta plane down to Miami Friday evening an’ I’ll be there for a few weeks… until… it’s time…” Bobby grinned sadly “I’ll take the cup to him too, he’d like that. Pictures of the Lodge, I also got. The whole ‘goodbye-dad’ kit.”
Mark cleared his throat, said thickly “You… you need someone to tag along? I… uh… I c’n spare a few days.”
“Nah, buddy.” Bobby ruffled his hair “I already got lotsa offers fer company. I jes’ gotta do it alone… me’n him. But… thanks, Meat… I appreciate it.”
“That jes’ leaves you, Flash.” Shane leaned forward on the table “What you think you gonna do?”
“Ah… I dunno, Tank.” Paul shrugged. “I’m all set to git hitched, and this co
mes along. I gotta speak it out, see what it means to us.”
“Ain’t that a thing.” Dean grinned “The record amount of offers in our league, an’ no-one thinks it’s a good deal.”
“I reckon the scouts gonna follow us around fer jes’ awhile.” Mark chortled and slapped Dean and Alex on the back “So none a’yas get too plastered an’ wake up in a strange hotel room with a strange dame and a signed-up contract fer five years, y’hear?”
“Loud and clear, Meat, loud and clear…” Will grinned and chugged his beer. “So where you boys gonna party hard?”
“Roof-wetting at my Lodge, next Thursday.” Bobby grinned “I got me some football stars I’m gonna invite!”
The boys cheered and then broke apart to do some dancing. Dean and I hung back and watched them celebrate their high spirits from a quiet spot near the bar.
I cleared my throat. “Before you leave, do you think Cain and you could make a stop over my place this week?”
“Yeah.” Dean quirked an eyebrow at me “Any clue what for?”
“Nah. It’s… awkward.” I shrugged “I’m still in mind to jes’ leave it alone.”
“Is it important?” Dean cupped his beer and stared at me.
“I think it is.” I leaned back, uncomfortable.
“Mano and I talked about me going, and its not…” Dean started.
“That’s not it.” I sighed. “Come over please… both of you… and we’ll talk about it then.” “Very mysterious…” Dean grinned, I could see his mind racing.
“Stop right there. Let’s just rest out tonight with the boys and we can pick this up later, ‘kay?”
“Yeah… sure Big Guy.” Dean’s grin faded. “Wanna tell me why the secrecy?”
“It’s personal.” I sighed and reached for another draft out of the ice-bucket. Dean reached in and put it in my hand. “It concerns a very good friend and his brother both, and I don’t want to be seen meddlin’…”
“So you gonna ask us over and get our permission?” Dean blinked.
“Yeah.” I rubbed my scalp, pressed my scar with my fingertips. I wondered when I had picked up this new habit.
“So you…” Dean frowned and licked his lips.
“Let’s grab a girl and dance, how about that?” I stood up and put my beer down.
“Ummm… OK, Andy, I guess there’s no use pressing you now.” Dean shrugged and put his bottle down next to mine. “I got the red-head at four o’clock.”
“I got the brunette at seven o’clock.” I grinned, determined to whoop it up for the first time in a long while. And I did, good clean fun. Later that night Bobby and I celebrated more privately back at the Hotel room, for the first time in a long while.
“Ok, what’s this about?” Cain shrugged as he sauntered past me into the kitchen, Dean grinned at me and put his togbag down on the couch. “Black, no sugar, right?” Cain’s voice came from the kitchen. I could hear him put out the cups and pour from my percolator.
I took a deep sigh and held it for a moment. Cain walked through with three mugs and slumped down next to Dean on the sofa. He’d cut his hair again and they were almost impossible to tell apart. “It’s about your dad.” I sipped my mug and watched them. “Do you wanna know?” The silence dragged on. I saw Dean and Cain exchange looks, and hold them for awhile. Finally Dean put his mug down next to the sofa and looked at me, licking his lips. Cain sipped his brew watching me with hooded eyes.
“Yeah… I… We want to know.
Cain closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Yeah, Big Guy, what you got?”
“You sure?” I locked my gaze with Dean “It ain’t what you probably expect…”
“Yes…” Dean rubbed his top lip with his index finger “I’ve wanted to know for years. I guess whatever it is can’t be worse than not knowing.”
“I ain’t that bothered.” Cain sniffed defensively “Bro’ here’s bin chewin’ on that bone fer years. I’m sure Pops had his reasons fer jes’ not comin’ back.”
“Yeah. I found him.” I shrugged “So, do I tell you, or jes’ him… or both a’ ya?”
“Ah… I see.” Dean nodded, “You figured us out.”
Cain sighed, his bravado sagged. “Both of us, Big Guy… I’ll take it on the chin.”
“That’s somethin’ else, and I must say I’m fairly pissed when I figured what you playin’ at all these months.” I snarled impatiently “But for now that’s somethin’ else. Now, I want you to answer me about your Dad. I want to know if you both wanna hear about where he is and what happened to him!” I waited as the silence stretched, “I wanna simple answer from you… both a’ ya. You both tell me to drop it, I will. You both want me to tell… I will. None a’ this… divide and conquer shit, not now…”
“Please… Andy, please tell both of us about our dad…” Dean looked up, lines showing in his face “I’ve always wanted to know…”
“Yeah…” Cain swallowed “…I ‘bin angry with him for so long, watching my little bro always expectin’ the best… always bin disappointed… I wanna know too.”
“Ok, then…” I sighed and leaned for the folder “… You should know this ain’t bin easy for me… but I hate loose ends an’ I couldn’t figure how someone could jus’ disappear. I figured out what must’ve happened and I sent some guys to check it out, an’ there he was…”
“He’s still….” Cain cleared his throat, “I mean…”
“Nah, buddy, sorry.” I shook my head and watched the hope die in their eyes. “He was killed a week after he sent his last payment through to your mom. Fifteen years ago.”
“How… how… why?” Dean swallowed thickly, his eyes misting.
“The short of it was he was on his way to a Halloween party dressed up in his tribal kit. From the reports he saw an old couple being mugged and pushed in to stop the muggers. He got knifed and bled out in the Alley before the old folks could get an ambulance to him. He’s bin lying on ice in the LA Morgue since then. Remember… your tribe has bin officially at war with the US of A until three years ago. They couldn’t bury him and didn’t know who he was. Your mom’s folks had disowned her after you were born, and there is no record of you bein’ dependants… and your Surname ‘Barker’ isn’t on the records any more, your Dad hadn’t got around to changing your name or listing your mom as his wife.”
“We… not on the records…?” Cain looked up, frowning. “What’s that about?”
“I… can only guess, guys…” I shrugged “But after your mom was disowned by her family, you guys were pretty much bastards. I guess by going back to his roots and marryin’ your mom up at the tribe, both you and her would have some sorta home and a place. I guess when the money looked like it was going to be comin’ in steady, he started on this plan…” I sighed, looking at their distressed faces. I guess I felt I should tell them everything I had guessed from the paper-trail. “The reason he was all dressed up was that he’d just got his name changed to ‘Bear Paw’ at the registry office and all his new stuff was in the mail to his last address. That meant that ‘Caleb Barker’ didn’t exist anymore, and no-one knew who ‘Bear Paw’ was… ”
“Ah man… what a mess…” Cain sighed and folded his face into his hands. “No wonder we couldn’t find him.”
“How did you find him?” Dean sniffed, ran a hand over his twin’s shoulders.
“I sent some DNA to the Morgue.” I shrugged “From your comb in the bathroom. It was a positive match to one of the bodies. They just had to trace back the fridge he was in. I got a photo for you to identify… an’ some forms for you to fill in… release forms. We can bring him back.”
“He’s bin in a fridge fer fifteen years…?” Dean gasped. “An… an… we jes’ left him there.”
“Stop that!” I barked at him, alarmed by the rising hysteria in his voice “You were nine years old. You didn’t leave him there. You didn’t know!”
“Is… is that a photo of him?” Cain hovered near the folder.
“Yeah,
you wanna see him? I’ve already made the ID with DNA, you don’t gotta.” I sighed “It’s recent, last month. He looks peaceful, they say when you bleed out there’s no pain.”
“Is… is it… yeah, please Andy… please let me see him.” Dean sobbed, taking the photo from me.
“It does look like he’s sleeping.” Cain said, sliding his arm around Dean’s shoulder.
“Yeah, mom always said we had his nose, lookit that, she was right!” Dean wiped his eyes and stared at the picture.
“His cheek-bones too.” Cain pressed Deans’ hand.
“Hey… our mouth and our chin is all Mom’s, though. You can see Black Bear in him. You said he finally changed his name?” Dean looked up with a sad smile “I remember him sayin’ that he wanted to spend more time up in the Hills with his Dad when he got back. I didn’t think he would take Mom up there with him, so I didn’t think he was meaning to drop his Anglo names.”
“Hmmm?” I nodded, watching the two working their way through years of disappointment and grief. “He did change it, he’d played a stadium game in San Francisco the week before, got the MVP for the game and stopped by the registry office just afterwards. His next game was gonna be as ‘Bear Paw’. He was all dressed up as a chief on his way to the party, with his tribal stuff. The cops investigating the case thought he was one of the ‘village people’ guys at first.”
“That’s funny.” Cain grinned, wiping his eyes.
“Yeah,” I chuckled “they ran circles for six months trying to ID him at the bathhouses.”
“‘Prolly got more cops laid that way…” Dean grinned.
“Yeah, well… two years after that they got an anthropologist to ID his duds as being Souian, probably Waccamaw, and that’s as far as they got. When they figured out where he had come from they kinda lost interest in the rest of it.”
“You think we could make trouble for them?” Cain scowled.