Don't Be Cruel

by Mike, Argento,

  "Hot in here, huh?" D'Onofrio said, wiping his own, dry brow. "We can talk tomorrow, maybe the next day. "I'll let you two go now. You make a cute couple."

  The Boss nodded and dragged Papa out of the church.

  "Fucking arrest me! Asshole! Jesus Christ, I'll do whatever you want me to do."

  D'Onofrio turned and studied Smith's face. Kathy had sidled up beside him. "You look familiar," he said.

  Smith shrugged.

  "Just that, I think I've seen you before," D'Onofrio said, rubbing his chin. "Guess not. You just look like someone else."

  Smith said, "I get that a lot."

  "Nice wedding," D'Onofrio said. "This church is something."

  "You got that," Smith said. They paused.

  "Well," D'Onofrio said, "you have a good day."

  And he left with the two cops in tow. Smith and Kathy watched them walk out of the church.

  "What just happened here?" Kathy asked.

  "I wish I knew," Smith said.

  Epilogue

  After a brief honeymoon in the backseat of Papa's Cadillac, Traci With an I and Nunn returned to his house and settled into domestic bliss. She got her breasts repaired and was finally returned to symmetry.

  Nunn sold The Happy Beaver to the investment bankers, who continued on as the star attraction. The sociologist graduated and set up a counseling service for former strippers, funded by a generous grant from Kathy. The doctoral candidate for Hellenic studies stayed on at the club while she struggled to finish her thesis on Herodotus and his fixation with barbaric customs.

  The mayor divorced his wife and lost the next election after he was caught at The Happy Beaver celebrating the dissolution of his marriage with the investment bankers. His wife married the UPS guy and within six weeks, was having an affair with the DHL driver.

  D'Onofrio took early retirement and got a job as security chief at the local college.

  Polamalu and Elvis moved in with Grandma Spew. They watch "Wheel of Fortune" every night at 7. Polamalu quit his job at The Happy Beaver and went back to college to get his teaching certificate. He now teaches American literature at the city high school. His students love him.

  Elvis kept the church open. The wedding business, once properly promoted, earned enough to make a decent living. He never performed another funeral.

  Spew got a job as a demolition expert with a company that implodes buildings. His first job, he blew up a junior high school next door to the public housing complex that was supposed to be demolished. When his boss demanded an explanation, he said, "Oops."

  Kathy finished her legal studies and went to work as a clerk for a federal judge. She was fired after the federal judge touched her ass one too many times and she broke his fucking arm. A firm headed by two women who also used to clerk for the judge hired her immediately. Her first client was Akbar el Hussein, who sued the federal government for false imprisonment, torture and personal injury. He won a multi-million dollar settlement and opened a chain of falafel shops.

  Smith opened a restaurant called the Owl Eyes Pub. Most nights, Kathy manned the bar while Nunn worked in the kitchen. On Wednesdays, Grandma comes in and makes that day's specialty – called "Killer Fried Chicken" on the menu.

  They split the money four ways – Smith, Kathy, Spew and Nunn all getting equal shares. Spew gave his share to Grandma.

  At the time of Papa's disappearance, the city was building a minor league baseball stadium. For months, visiting teams complained of a foul odor in their clubhouse. Maintenance crews were never able to track down its source, believing it had been caused by rats that died in the walls.

  Papa was never seen again.